Hemy
Page 2
Setting my helmet down on my seat, I sprint over to the porch and reach for her arm just as she sets down another bag. “It wasn’t what it looked like. Let me explain.”
Her scorching green eyes meet my amber ones and I feel my heart drop to my stomach. There is nothing left in her look but hatred and pain, and it hurts even more knowing where it came from. I did this to her and I’ve been doing it for the last six years.
“It doesn’t matter, Hemy,” she mutters. “You don’t think I know you didn’t sleep with that tramp? I know it . . . but the question is how much did she enjoy getting off on you while you were drunk, high, and passed out? How do you expect me to feel about all of this, huh? The thought of her touching you makes me want to puke. Her hands groping your body, touching your hair; being places mine should be. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t continue to stay in the shadows, tormenting myself mentally over you. I just can’t.”
I swallow and place my hand on her chin, stepping closer to her. I see her eyes dart down to my lips before she pulls her face away and takes a step back. “Don’t,” she whispers. “Just. Don’t. Please, let me go.”
It hurts having her push me away. Not being able to touch my woman is the worst pain ever, but I don’t blame her. “I have no excuse. I’m a mess. I know that. I’m trying to get by the only way I know how, which is to forget sometimes.”
“Well, I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t deal with it. I gave it everything I had, and now there is nothing left to give. Every day that I’m with you I die a little more inside; lose a little more hope. I understand that you had a messed up childhood. I understand that your shitty parents left you. You were a young child, alone, and scared out in the world; I get that, and I can’t tell you that your sister is still out there, or that she is even still alive. I can’t take that all back, but what I can do is show you that love exists, that I’m always here for you. I have tried. I really have, but I can only take so much, Hemy. I understand your reasoning behind your behavior, but at the end of the day . . . I should be your only.” Her voice is broken and it kills me.
She breaks down in tears while moving further away from me as if being close hurts too much. I have the urge to run my hands though her strawberry curls and hold her close, but I don’t. I can’t. I don’t deserve to. “You’re a lost cause, Hemy. I can’t force you to change. You can’t and won’t. I’m only eighteen, dammit . . . and you’re only nineteen. This is all too much to handle. We’re too young for this shit. Can’t you see that?”
“I can change. I just need time. My head is not in a good place and I’m not strong enough to move on just yet. Do you know how hard it is to wake up every morning with these memories?” I point to my head, my hand shaking. “The places I have been. The people I have seen. The things I saw my parents do to Sage. It’s a gaping wound on my brain. Now I don’t even know where the hell she is! She was only nine at the time. I was supposed to protect her. I’m trying my best here, okay?”
“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I tried to help you. I tried, but I can’t continue to immerse myself into this filth and heartache. You may not have touched her this time, but what about next time? What extent will you go to in order to get your way of forgetting, huh? I have to get out of here before I lose myself.” Her eyes meet mine and her bottom lip quivers. “I’ve already lost you, because you were never fully there to begin with. I have known you for six years; for six years, Hemy, and you have only gotten worse. Don’t turn into your parents. Don’t let them win.”
I turn away from her, no longer able to look at the disappointment in her eyes. It hurts too damn much. “Can you just give me one more chance? I promise I would never hurt you on purpose. The things you’ve seen in the past were beyond my control. I may have flirted a little when I was high out of my mind, but I have never taken another woman to bed.”
“From what you know of, Hemy,” she bites out in a clipped tone. “We don’t know that for sure and I’m not sticking around to find out. I have to go. I need to go. You’ve hurt me too many times and I feel as if I can’t breathe anymore. It. Hurts. So. Much.”
She turns around and heads for the door, but then stops. “I just have one question. Have you ever loved me?”
Her words linger in the air as I try to force myself to speak. I want to say yes, but the truth is, I’m not sure I know what love truly is. “Onyx, I-”
“No. No. No. I don’t want to hear any excuses. I get it.” She grips the doorframe, but doesn’t turn to face me. “Tell me you love me, Hemy. Give me some kind of hope, because I’ve lost it all.”
My heart speeds up and it becomes hard to breathe. I’m not worth it and we both know it. She said it earlier when she said I was a lost cause. “I’m sorry,” is all I can manage to get out. Someone of my caliber doesn’t know how to love. It isn’t in my genetic makeup. As bad as I want to keep her here, she deserves so much better. But I’m selfish when it comes to her.
Without turning back she lets out a soft cry and covers her mouth. “Don’t bother contacting me, Hemy. I’m moving away from Chicago and I have already changed my number. There’s nothing more to be said between the two of us.”
“Don’t say that,” I whisper. “I can’t fucking lose you too.”
“It’s too late. You already have.” She bends down and reaches for one of her bags, and that’s when I notice her brother outside tossing her bags into his trunk. “My family has already been instructed not to tell you where I’m going. You won’t be able to change their minds, so don’t try. Goodbye, Hemy. It was fun while it lasted, right?” She laughs sardonically. “Have a nice life.”
I fall against the back wall while letting her harsh words sink in. My hands reach up to cover my face and my heart feels as if it’s been ripped from my chest; I’m no longer breathing.
The longer I stand here without her the more it hurts; the more I feel like dying. What the hell am I doing?
“No, wait!” I run to the door and open it, but I’m too late. She’s already gone. I quickly search for my phone, but of course I am so damn stupid that I must have lost it last night.
Her scorching green eyes meet my amber ones and I feel my heart drop to my stomach. There is nothing left in her look but hatred and pain, and it hurts even more knowing where it came from. I did this to her and I’ve been doing it for the last six years.
“It doesn’t matter, Hemy,” she mutters. “You don’t think I know you didn’t sleep with that tramp? I know it . . . but the question is how much did she enjoy getting off on you while you were drunk, high, and passed out? How do you expect me to feel about all of this, huh? The thought of her touching you makes me want to puke. Her hands groping your body, touching your hair; being places mine should be. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t continue to stay in the shadows, tormenting myself mentally over you. I just can’t.”
I swallow and place my hand on her chin, stepping closer to her. I see her eyes dart down to my lips before she pulls her face away and takes a step back. “Don’t,” she whispers. “Just. Don’t. Please, let me go.”
It hurts having her push me away. Not being able to touch my woman is the worst pain ever, but I don’t blame her. “I have no excuse. I’m a mess. I know that. I’m trying to get by the only way I know how, which is to forget sometimes.”
“Well, I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t deal with it. I gave it everything I had, and now there is nothing left to give. Every day that I’m with you I die a little more inside; lose a little more hope. I understand that you had a messed up childhood. I understand that your shitty parents left you. You were a young child, alone, and scared out in the world; I get that, and I can’t tell you that your sister is still out there, or that she is even still alive. I can’t take that all back, but what I can do is show you that love exists, that I’m always here for you. I have tried. I really have, but I can only take so much, Hemy. I understand your reasoning behind your behavior, but at the end of the day . . . I should be your only.” Her voice is broken and it kills me.
She breaks down in tears while moving further away from me as if being close hurts too much. I have the urge to run my hands though her strawberry curls and hold her close, but I don’t. I can’t. I don’t deserve to. “You’re a lost cause, Hemy. I can’t force you to change. You can’t and won’t. I’m only eighteen, dammit . . . and you’re only nineteen. This is all too much to handle. We’re too young for this shit. Can’t you see that?”
“I can change. I just need time. My head is not in a good place and I’m not strong enough to move on just yet. Do you know how hard it is to wake up every morning with these memories?” I point to my head, my hand shaking. “The places I have been. The people I have seen. The things I saw my parents do to Sage. It’s a gaping wound on my brain. Now I don’t even know where the hell she is! She was only nine at the time. I was supposed to protect her. I’m trying my best here, okay?”
“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I tried to help you. I tried, but I can’t continue to immerse myself into this filth and heartache. You may not have touched her this time, but what about next time? What extent will you go to in order to get your way of forgetting, huh? I have to get out of here before I lose myself.” Her eyes meet mine and her bottom lip quivers. “I’ve already lost you, because you were never fully there to begin with. I have known you for six years; for six years, Hemy, and you have only gotten worse. Don’t turn into your parents. Don’t let them win.”
I turn away from her, no longer able to look at the disappointment in her eyes. It hurts too damn much. “Can you just give me one more chance? I promise I would never hurt you on purpose. The things you’ve seen in the past were beyond my control. I may have flirted a little when I was high out of my mind, but I have never taken another woman to bed.”
“From what you know of, Hemy,” she bites out in a clipped tone. “We don’t know that for sure and I’m not sticking around to find out. I have to go. I need to go. You’ve hurt me too many times and I feel as if I can’t breathe anymore. It. Hurts. So. Much.”
She turns around and heads for the door, but then stops. “I just have one question. Have you ever loved me?”
Her words linger in the air as I try to force myself to speak. I want to say yes, but the truth is, I’m not sure I know what love truly is. “Onyx, I-”
“No. No. No. I don’t want to hear any excuses. I get it.” She grips the doorframe, but doesn’t turn to face me. “Tell me you love me, Hemy. Give me some kind of hope, because I’ve lost it all.”
My heart speeds up and it becomes hard to breathe. I’m not worth it and we both know it. She said it earlier when she said I was a lost cause. “I’m sorry,” is all I can manage to get out. Someone of my caliber doesn’t know how to love. It isn’t in my genetic makeup. As bad as I want to keep her here, she deserves so much better. But I’m selfish when it comes to her.
Without turning back she lets out a soft cry and covers her mouth. “Don’t bother contacting me, Hemy. I’m moving away from Chicago and I have already changed my number. There’s nothing more to be said between the two of us.”
“Don’t say that,” I whisper. “I can’t fucking lose you too.”
“It’s too late. You already have.” She bends down and reaches for one of her bags, and that’s when I notice her brother outside tossing her bags into his trunk. “My family has already been instructed not to tell you where I’m going. You won’t be able to change their minds, so don’t try. Goodbye, Hemy. It was fun while it lasted, right?” She laughs sardonically. “Have a nice life.”
I fall against the back wall while letting her harsh words sink in. My hands reach up to cover my face and my heart feels as if it’s been ripped from my chest; I’m no longer breathing.
The longer I stand here without her the more it hurts; the more I feel like dying. What the hell am I doing?
“No, wait!” I run to the door and open it, but I’m too late. She’s already gone. I quickly search for my phone, but of course I am so damn stupid that I must have lost it last night.
