Hold Me
Page 60
People who never wanted to deal with the mess of highs and lows did, Destiny thought grimly. Because she knew the price of feeling too much. Only until right now, she’d never considered that there was a price to trying not to feel anything. The price of Starr not knowing she belonged.
“I’m sorry you think I don’t care,” she said quietly. “I do. I care a lot.”
Her sister’s mouth pulled into a straight line. Disbelief radiated from her. “Sure you do.”
Irritation battled with concern and started to win. “You’re going to ignore the truth because it’s not what you want to hear,” Destiny snapped. “Just like you were going to run away without thinking about the consequences. You’re fifteen. You’re not ready to be on your own. Life is complicated. You can’t hide from your problems. They follow you wherever you go.”
“You should have let me figure that out on my own. That would have made it easy for you, and isn’t that what matters?”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“You know what doesn’t make sense?” Starr demanded, glaring at her. “You. You don’t make sense. You tell me not to run away, but you’re doing it every day. You run away from your talent, from who you are. I’ve heard you sing, Destiny, and you’re better than all of us. But you won’t perform. You won’t even admit that you have any ability. What’s up with that? I want to write songs and sing and have music in every part of my life. You want to hide away from it.”
“This isn’t about music,” Destiny told her. She could feel her sister’s pain, her confusion, and didn’t know what to do about it. Kipling had been right. Starr had been delivered to her a nearly grown person. Whatever was going on, Destiny was only part of the problem. But she had to be all-in for the solution. “It’s about us.”
“There’s no us,” Starr snapped.
“I’d like there to be. You’re my sister, and I want us to be a family.”
“Until school starts. Then you want me to go to boarding school. Well, I’m not. Not ever. And you can’t make me. I’ll just run away and live on the streets until I’m old enough to get my trust fund money. I can do it, too. I can go to where you can’t find me.”
Not if today was any indication, Destiny thought with irritation. Starr was fifteen and didn’t know how to take care of herself, let alone survive on the streets. What if she had gotten on the bus and had disappeared? A thousand horrible things could have happened to her.
Images flashed through her brain, each more awful than the one before. Starr could have been beaten or raped. She could have been terrorized by some crazy person. Taken drugs, gotten sick. She could have been hurt and suffered, and she could have died.
Unexpected tears filled Destiny’s eyes. Fear returned and with it determination.
“No,” she said loudly, then repeated the word again. “No. You’re not running away. I will not lose you. Do you hear me? I don’t care what it takes, but by God we are going to make this work. I’m not giving up on you, and I’m not giving up on us. You’re my sister. You’re my family. Our parents are totally screwed up, and that means we’re messed up, too. But so what? We have each other.”
Starr stared at her. Color stained her cheeks and for a second, there was hope in her eyes. Then it bled away.
“You’re just saying that so I won’t run away. You don’t mean it.”
“I love you, child. I have from the day you were born. I was there. Did your mama tell you that? I was the first one to hold you. I’m still holding you, and I’m never letting go.”
The memories came back to her. Of being ten and standing in Grandma Nell’s modest living room. She’d been scared and alone, and she’d had no idea where she belonged. Not with her parents, who had long since moved on with their lives. Not anywhere else.
But Grandma Nell had welcomed her. It was possible the other woman hadn’t wanted a troubled ten-year-old thrust upon her. Even her own granddaughter. But she’d taken her in and had always made her feel special. She’d homeschooled her, loved her, and when it was time, sent her back into the world.
More tears formed. Destiny wiped them away. She knew what she had to do—knew what was right. Maybe she’d always known, but she’d been avoiding the truth. Which was wrong of her.
“I’m sorry,” she said slowly. “So sorry, Starr. I do want us to be a family. You’re right. I assumed you were going to go back to your boarding school in September, but only because I thought you liked it. But if you don’t, then you’re staying with me.”
Green eyes so much like her own widened. “What about your job? You move, like, every three months. You said that was a problem.”
“I know. It is, but we’ll just have to figure it out.” She thought about her job and the moving around and how she never settled anywhere. Maybe because settling meant the risk of belonging. She wanted relationships on her own terms. Starr had just reminded her that didn’t happen very often.
She opened her mouth and shocked herself by saying, “I guess I’m going to have to quit my job and find another one where I don’t have to move around. We’ll have a permanent home. A house. With a yard.”
Just like normal people.
Destiny held her breath and waited for the internal shriek. Only there wasn’t one. There was a bit of apprehension at the unknown but also a sense of maybe it was time. Maybe the reason she hadn’t been able to find the right guy and start her family was because she was never in one place long enough. But her future plans aside, what mattered now was her sister.
“I’m sorry you think I don’t care,” she said quietly. “I do. I care a lot.”
Her sister’s mouth pulled into a straight line. Disbelief radiated from her. “Sure you do.”
Irritation battled with concern and started to win. “You’re going to ignore the truth because it’s not what you want to hear,” Destiny snapped. “Just like you were going to run away without thinking about the consequences. You’re fifteen. You’re not ready to be on your own. Life is complicated. You can’t hide from your problems. They follow you wherever you go.”
“You should have let me figure that out on my own. That would have made it easy for you, and isn’t that what matters?”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“You know what doesn’t make sense?” Starr demanded, glaring at her. “You. You don’t make sense. You tell me not to run away, but you’re doing it every day. You run away from your talent, from who you are. I’ve heard you sing, Destiny, and you’re better than all of us. But you won’t perform. You won’t even admit that you have any ability. What’s up with that? I want to write songs and sing and have music in every part of my life. You want to hide away from it.”
“This isn’t about music,” Destiny told her. She could feel her sister’s pain, her confusion, and didn’t know what to do about it. Kipling had been right. Starr had been delivered to her a nearly grown person. Whatever was going on, Destiny was only part of the problem. But she had to be all-in for the solution. “It’s about us.”
“There’s no us,” Starr snapped.
“I’d like there to be. You’re my sister, and I want us to be a family.”
“Until school starts. Then you want me to go to boarding school. Well, I’m not. Not ever. And you can’t make me. I’ll just run away and live on the streets until I’m old enough to get my trust fund money. I can do it, too. I can go to where you can’t find me.”
Not if today was any indication, Destiny thought with irritation. Starr was fifteen and didn’t know how to take care of herself, let alone survive on the streets. What if she had gotten on the bus and had disappeared? A thousand horrible things could have happened to her.
Images flashed through her brain, each more awful than the one before. Starr could have been beaten or raped. She could have been terrorized by some crazy person. Taken drugs, gotten sick. She could have been hurt and suffered, and she could have died.
Unexpected tears filled Destiny’s eyes. Fear returned and with it determination.
“No,” she said loudly, then repeated the word again. “No. You’re not running away. I will not lose you. Do you hear me? I don’t care what it takes, but by God we are going to make this work. I’m not giving up on you, and I’m not giving up on us. You’re my sister. You’re my family. Our parents are totally screwed up, and that means we’re messed up, too. But so what? We have each other.”
Starr stared at her. Color stained her cheeks and for a second, there was hope in her eyes. Then it bled away.
“You’re just saying that so I won’t run away. You don’t mean it.”
“I love you, child. I have from the day you were born. I was there. Did your mama tell you that? I was the first one to hold you. I’m still holding you, and I’m never letting go.”
The memories came back to her. Of being ten and standing in Grandma Nell’s modest living room. She’d been scared and alone, and she’d had no idea where she belonged. Not with her parents, who had long since moved on with their lives. Not anywhere else.
But Grandma Nell had welcomed her. It was possible the other woman hadn’t wanted a troubled ten-year-old thrust upon her. Even her own granddaughter. But she’d taken her in and had always made her feel special. She’d homeschooled her, loved her, and when it was time, sent her back into the world.
More tears formed. Destiny wiped them away. She knew what she had to do—knew what was right. Maybe she’d always known, but she’d been avoiding the truth. Which was wrong of her.
“I’m sorry,” she said slowly. “So sorry, Starr. I do want us to be a family. You’re right. I assumed you were going to go back to your boarding school in September, but only because I thought you liked it. But if you don’t, then you’re staying with me.”
Green eyes so much like her own widened. “What about your job? You move, like, every three months. You said that was a problem.”
“I know. It is, but we’ll just have to figure it out.” She thought about her job and the moving around and how she never settled anywhere. Maybe because settling meant the risk of belonging. She wanted relationships on her own terms. Starr had just reminded her that didn’t happen very often.
She opened her mouth and shocked herself by saying, “I guess I’m going to have to quit my job and find another one where I don’t have to move around. We’ll have a permanent home. A house. With a yard.”
Just like normal people.
Destiny held her breath and waited for the internal shriek. Only there wasn’t one. There was a bit of apprehension at the unknown but also a sense of maybe it was time. Maybe the reason she hadn’t been able to find the right guy and start her family was because she was never in one place long enough. But her future plans aside, what mattered now was her sister.
