Hold Me
Page 86
“We’re in this together. Besides, I like hiking.”
“Thanks.”
The last session with the volunteers had shown her there were blank areas in several of the search grids. While she and Miles had mapped as much as they could from the air, there were still several areas she had to cover on foot. She’d thought she’d gotten them all, but apparently not. Which was why she stayed on-site as long as she did.
She logged off her computer and collected her bag.
“You’re working late?” she asked Cassidy.
Her friend shook her head. “Nope. I have a date with Jeff over Skype in an hour. The lighting is better here than at my place.” She grinned. “I know, I know. After nearly twenty years of marriage, why on earth would I care about how I look, and yet I do.”
“Young love,” Destiny teased.
“Exactly.” Cassidy sighed. “I hope you and Kipling stay as in love as Jeff and me. Sure there are ups and downs in every marriage, but I would be lost without that man. And not in a way your fancy program could find me. Have a good night.”
“You, too.”
Destiny left the office and started home. As she walked toward home, she wondered how long she would be in love with Kipling. It had been two days since their last conversation. He’d tried to call her a couple of times, but she’d let him go to voice mail. When he’d texted, she’d asked for time. So far he was giving it to her.
She breathed in the warm air and wondered how she’d made such a mess of things. She’d fallen in love with a man who saw her as a project. Even more of a complication, she was pregnant with his child. It wasn’t as if she and Kipling could simply break up. They were going to be connected for the rest of their lives.
The idea of that was both wonderful and terrifying. If she had to stay in touch with him, how could she ever stop loving him? Because she had to stop. She saw that now.
All her life she’d been running from exactly what she found herself in now. An emotional mess. She’d been so sure she’d made all the right choices, but she hadn’t made any choices at all. She’d been hiding. From life. From herself. From her heart.
She arrived at the house just as Starr was walking up to the front door. They waved at each other.
“How was your day?” Destiny asked.
“Good.”
“Any more kissing?”
Her sister rolled her eyes. “You’re never letting that go, are you?”
“Probably not.”
They stepped into the living room and flopped onto the sofa.
“You’re not the type to kiss just any guy,” Destiny added. “So you must really like Carter.”
Starr blushed. “I do. He’s so great. I know we’re young, and I don’t want things to get serious, but when I’m around him...”
“Magic?”
“Yeah. Just like they talk about in songs. You know, like your feelings for Kipling.”
Destiny really hoped Starr wasn’t experiencing any of those kinds of feelings.
“But we’ve talked,” Starr continued. “There’s not going to be any more kissing. We’re going to hang out with friends and stuff. Be together, but not serious.”
“That’s a really smart decision.”
“You think? I’m trying. I thought a lot about what you said. About my parents and how they reacted instead of thinking things through.”
“You still have to have fun,” Destiny told her. “Be a kid.”
“I know, and I will. Just not so fast with boys. See. I’m learning from you.”
“You are.”
But Destiny wondered how much of the lesson was a good thing. Because it seemed to her, she might have gone too far in the sensible direction. It wasn’t as if her personal life had turned out so great.
Their sensible marriage was no longer so sensible. In fact, in the cold light of day, it was a ridiculous thing to have done. She was intelligent and capable. She could raise a child on her own. Not that she was trying to shut Kipling out or keep him from his baby. But marriage?
“I want to talk to you about something,” she said.
“What?”
“Kipling, mostly.”
Starr leaned her head against the sofa. “I wondered. He hasn’t been around.”
“He’s called but I haven’t wanted to talk to him.”
“Because he hurt your feelings?”
“Yes, and because I was confused. When I was your age...”
Destiny wasn’t sure how to explain something that didn’t quite make sense to her.
“I was determined not to be like my parents. I wanted a stable home. A sure thing. I got that from my Grandma Nell, but when I went out on my own, I was scared. What if I fell crazy in love and ran around the country, singing at honky-tonks and living on a bus?”
Starr laughed. “That sounds fun.”
“Not to me. It would have been a nightmare.” She paused, mentally feeling her way as she went. “I was so afraid of what I could become, that I started to ignore who I actually was. It was safe, but now I’m thinking it might not have been the right decision.”
She smiled at her sister. “I never would have let myself kiss a boy the way you did. I would have been too scared of what would happen. I ran from so many things.”
“Like your music?” Starr asked softly.
“Yes. Like my music.” She drew in a breath. “I guess I’m saying I’m a complete and total mess.”
“Thanks.”
The last session with the volunteers had shown her there were blank areas in several of the search grids. While she and Miles had mapped as much as they could from the air, there were still several areas she had to cover on foot. She’d thought she’d gotten them all, but apparently not. Which was why she stayed on-site as long as she did.
She logged off her computer and collected her bag.
“You’re working late?” she asked Cassidy.
Her friend shook her head. “Nope. I have a date with Jeff over Skype in an hour. The lighting is better here than at my place.” She grinned. “I know, I know. After nearly twenty years of marriage, why on earth would I care about how I look, and yet I do.”
“Young love,” Destiny teased.
“Exactly.” Cassidy sighed. “I hope you and Kipling stay as in love as Jeff and me. Sure there are ups and downs in every marriage, but I would be lost without that man. And not in a way your fancy program could find me. Have a good night.”
“You, too.”
Destiny left the office and started home. As she walked toward home, she wondered how long she would be in love with Kipling. It had been two days since their last conversation. He’d tried to call her a couple of times, but she’d let him go to voice mail. When he’d texted, she’d asked for time. So far he was giving it to her.
She breathed in the warm air and wondered how she’d made such a mess of things. She’d fallen in love with a man who saw her as a project. Even more of a complication, she was pregnant with his child. It wasn’t as if she and Kipling could simply break up. They were going to be connected for the rest of their lives.
The idea of that was both wonderful and terrifying. If she had to stay in touch with him, how could she ever stop loving him? Because she had to stop. She saw that now.
All her life she’d been running from exactly what she found herself in now. An emotional mess. She’d been so sure she’d made all the right choices, but she hadn’t made any choices at all. She’d been hiding. From life. From herself. From her heart.
She arrived at the house just as Starr was walking up to the front door. They waved at each other.
“How was your day?” Destiny asked.
“Good.”
“Any more kissing?”
Her sister rolled her eyes. “You’re never letting that go, are you?”
“Probably not.”
They stepped into the living room and flopped onto the sofa.
“You’re not the type to kiss just any guy,” Destiny added. “So you must really like Carter.”
Starr blushed. “I do. He’s so great. I know we’re young, and I don’t want things to get serious, but when I’m around him...”
“Magic?”
“Yeah. Just like they talk about in songs. You know, like your feelings for Kipling.”
Destiny really hoped Starr wasn’t experiencing any of those kinds of feelings.
“But we’ve talked,” Starr continued. “There’s not going to be any more kissing. We’re going to hang out with friends and stuff. Be together, but not serious.”
“That’s a really smart decision.”
“You think? I’m trying. I thought a lot about what you said. About my parents and how they reacted instead of thinking things through.”
“You still have to have fun,” Destiny told her. “Be a kid.”
“I know, and I will. Just not so fast with boys. See. I’m learning from you.”
“You are.”
But Destiny wondered how much of the lesson was a good thing. Because it seemed to her, she might have gone too far in the sensible direction. It wasn’t as if her personal life had turned out so great.
Their sensible marriage was no longer so sensible. In fact, in the cold light of day, it was a ridiculous thing to have done. She was intelligent and capable. She could raise a child on her own. Not that she was trying to shut Kipling out or keep him from his baby. But marriage?
“I want to talk to you about something,” she said.
“What?”
“Kipling, mostly.”
Starr leaned her head against the sofa. “I wondered. He hasn’t been around.”
“He’s called but I haven’t wanted to talk to him.”
“Because he hurt your feelings?”
“Yes, and because I was confused. When I was your age...”
Destiny wasn’t sure how to explain something that didn’t quite make sense to her.
“I was determined not to be like my parents. I wanted a stable home. A sure thing. I got that from my Grandma Nell, but when I went out on my own, I was scared. What if I fell crazy in love and ran around the country, singing at honky-tonks and living on a bus?”
Starr laughed. “That sounds fun.”
“Not to me. It would have been a nightmare.” She paused, mentally feeling her way as she went. “I was so afraid of what I could become, that I started to ignore who I actually was. It was safe, but now I’m thinking it might not have been the right decision.”
She smiled at her sister. “I never would have let myself kiss a boy the way you did. I would have been too scared of what would happen. I ran from so many things.”
“Like your music?” Starr asked softly.
“Yes. Like my music.” She drew in a breath. “I guess I’m saying I’m a complete and total mess.”
