Holy Smokes
Page 15
“Oh, her. Long curly blond hair, lots of shopping bags?”
“Yeah. What the hell did she do? All I saw was a silver ward, and whammo!”
Jim pursed its lips and glanced toward the open door, where Saris and Caron stood. “Not in front of the emonsday,” it said.
“Thanks, guys,” I said with what I hoped was a confident, in-control smile. “I won’t be needing you any longer. I’m just going to be on my way as soon as I catch my breath.”
The two demons looked at each other, then nodded and left. Jim padded over and pushed the door closed. “Jeez, Aisling, you want people to think you’re a noob or something?”
“A noob?”
“Newbie. Boob. Idget.”
“I get the meaning, thanks.” Still a bit shaky, I hauled myself up and looked around the room, trying to decide which was the best place to rip open a passage to get us back to the shop. “And I’d like to point out that if I am a newbie about some things, it’s because no one tells me anything. I have to find out stuff the hard way.”
“Whatever. The first rule of successful prince-of-Abaddoning is that you never want your legions to know that you don’t know what’s going on. Word gets around fast here. First thing you know, all the other demon lords will be getting a plan together to get rid of you.”
“Like I’d complain about that?” I touched the nearest wall. It didn’t feel any different than a normal wall.
“Permanently,” it added.
“That’s fine by me. I don’t want to come back.”
“Think long and hard about the words ‘get rid of you’ because in this case, they could well be literal.”
I wrinkled my nose. “Point taken. What did I do that was so wrong?”
“The chick who banished you?” Jim said, clearly expecting me to get some other point.
I stopped hunting for the weak spot in the room and thought about the woman. I’d never seen her before, so Jim must be referring to something about her rather than the person herself.
“She’d drawn a ward,” I said slowly.
“Right.”
“A banishing ward.” A little light dawned in the dusty back corners of my brain. “Oh my god. She was a Guardian!”
“Bingo!”
I stared at Jim in horror, my skin crawling. “A Guardian banished me. Me! But I’m a Guardian. Can we banish each other? Oh, crap!”
Jim nodded. “You’re not just a Guardian, you’re a Guardian Plus! Now with extra ‘prince of Abaddon’ cleaning power.”
I’d like to point out—the dark power’s voice started to say.
“I have enough on my plate right now!” I snapped at it.
The voice sulked into silence.
“Yeah, well, you may just have to deal with it,” Jim said, moseying over to where I’d been standing. “What were you looking for?”
“I can’t believe another Guardian banished me just because I happen to be a prince of Abaddon. There should be some rule about not banishing demon lords who are also Guardians.”
Jim cocked an eyebrow. “Like you think this is a normal situation?”
“Normal? I don’t even know what’s normal anymore,” I fumed, marching around the room while wringing my hands. “And now look, I’m wringing my hands. Have you ever known me to be a hand-wringer? I detest the sort of woman who wrings her hands! It signifies weakness, and lack of coherence, and a totally unprofessional attitude!”
“And if we know anything about you, it’s that you’re a professional, and you’re confident,” Jim said, nosing a spot on the floor.
“Damn straight I am!” I yelled, forcing my hands apart so they couldn’t wring themselves. “Look, they’re trying to do it again. It’s like my hands are possessed or something! Dear god, it’s the dark power. The dark power has taken over my hands and is trying to wring me into insanity!”
“Is this little drama going to take long? ’Cause if it is, I want popcorn and a Diet Coke with extra ice.”
“You’re not going to like where I put the popcorn and extra ice,” I said, ignoring my possessed hands to glare at the demon with much intent.
Jim’s eyes widened as it backed away. “You’ve got that evil, slightly insane look down pat. Have you been practicing? We’re talking seriously scary, Ash. Hannibal-Lecter-has-nothing-on-you sort of scary.”
“Enough banter from you, buster,” I said, trying to pull myself together. “Let’s go over this situation again calmly. One: the dark power has taken over my hands.”
I have not!
“Not listening! Two: there is a Guardian out there who can banish me at will. Which means that every other Guardian can probably do the same. Lovely. Just what I need—more people trying to do me in.”
I slumped down into a chair and thought seriously about crying, but dropped that thought when my hands crept to ward each other.
“What were you looking for over here?” Jim asked again.
“I wonder if you can exorcise hands…hmm? Oh, where on the wall was that place I sent you through before. Do you remember?”
Jim shook its head. “Why are you looking for that particular spot? It have fond memories for you or something?”
“Hardly. You told me that it was easier to tear the fabric of existence in a spot where it had previously been rent. And I know I sent you through it from this room, but I don’t remember where, exactly.” I glanced at the clock on the mantel, leaping to my feet when I saw the time. “Oh my god. Oh my god! Tell me that clock isn’t right!”
“That clock isn’t right.”
Relief made me sag a bit as I dug through my purse looking for my cell phone. “Thank god. I was worried there for a minute that I’d missed the wedding.”
“You have,” Jim said complacently, snuffling around behind the fainting couch.
“What? You just told me the clock was wrong!”
“Yuh-uh. And who ordered me to tell her that?”
“Gah!” I screamed, punching a speed-dial number into the phone. “Talk about your day from hell…Jim, look around and find the weak spot. I’m not going to let something like a deranged Guardian ruin my day.”
“Sooo many things I could say to that,” Jim said, shaking its head. “I’ll confine myself to pointing out that even if I found the spot, it wouldn’t do you any good.”
“Yeah. What the hell did she do? All I saw was a silver ward, and whammo!”
Jim pursed its lips and glanced toward the open door, where Saris and Caron stood. “Not in front of the emonsday,” it said.
“Thanks, guys,” I said with what I hoped was a confident, in-control smile. “I won’t be needing you any longer. I’m just going to be on my way as soon as I catch my breath.”
The two demons looked at each other, then nodded and left. Jim padded over and pushed the door closed. “Jeez, Aisling, you want people to think you’re a noob or something?”
“A noob?”
“Newbie. Boob. Idget.”
“I get the meaning, thanks.” Still a bit shaky, I hauled myself up and looked around the room, trying to decide which was the best place to rip open a passage to get us back to the shop. “And I’d like to point out that if I am a newbie about some things, it’s because no one tells me anything. I have to find out stuff the hard way.”
“Whatever. The first rule of successful prince-of-Abaddoning is that you never want your legions to know that you don’t know what’s going on. Word gets around fast here. First thing you know, all the other demon lords will be getting a plan together to get rid of you.”
“Like I’d complain about that?” I touched the nearest wall. It didn’t feel any different than a normal wall.
“Permanently,” it added.
“That’s fine by me. I don’t want to come back.”
“Think long and hard about the words ‘get rid of you’ because in this case, they could well be literal.”
I wrinkled my nose. “Point taken. What did I do that was so wrong?”
“The chick who banished you?” Jim said, clearly expecting me to get some other point.
I stopped hunting for the weak spot in the room and thought about the woman. I’d never seen her before, so Jim must be referring to something about her rather than the person herself.
“She’d drawn a ward,” I said slowly.
“Right.”
“A banishing ward.” A little light dawned in the dusty back corners of my brain. “Oh my god. She was a Guardian!”
“Bingo!”
I stared at Jim in horror, my skin crawling. “A Guardian banished me. Me! But I’m a Guardian. Can we banish each other? Oh, crap!”
Jim nodded. “You’re not just a Guardian, you’re a Guardian Plus! Now with extra ‘prince of Abaddon’ cleaning power.”
I’d like to point out—the dark power’s voice started to say.
“I have enough on my plate right now!” I snapped at it.
The voice sulked into silence.
“Yeah, well, you may just have to deal with it,” Jim said, moseying over to where I’d been standing. “What were you looking for?”
“I can’t believe another Guardian banished me just because I happen to be a prince of Abaddon. There should be some rule about not banishing demon lords who are also Guardians.”
Jim cocked an eyebrow. “Like you think this is a normal situation?”
“Normal? I don’t even know what’s normal anymore,” I fumed, marching around the room while wringing my hands. “And now look, I’m wringing my hands. Have you ever known me to be a hand-wringer? I detest the sort of woman who wrings her hands! It signifies weakness, and lack of coherence, and a totally unprofessional attitude!”
“And if we know anything about you, it’s that you’re a professional, and you’re confident,” Jim said, nosing a spot on the floor.
“Damn straight I am!” I yelled, forcing my hands apart so they couldn’t wring themselves. “Look, they’re trying to do it again. It’s like my hands are possessed or something! Dear god, it’s the dark power. The dark power has taken over my hands and is trying to wring me into insanity!”
“Is this little drama going to take long? ’Cause if it is, I want popcorn and a Diet Coke with extra ice.”
“You’re not going to like where I put the popcorn and extra ice,” I said, ignoring my possessed hands to glare at the demon with much intent.
Jim’s eyes widened as it backed away. “You’ve got that evil, slightly insane look down pat. Have you been practicing? We’re talking seriously scary, Ash. Hannibal-Lecter-has-nothing-on-you sort of scary.”
“Enough banter from you, buster,” I said, trying to pull myself together. “Let’s go over this situation again calmly. One: the dark power has taken over my hands.”
I have not!
“Not listening! Two: there is a Guardian out there who can banish me at will. Which means that every other Guardian can probably do the same. Lovely. Just what I need—more people trying to do me in.”
I slumped down into a chair and thought seriously about crying, but dropped that thought when my hands crept to ward each other.
“What were you looking for over here?” Jim asked again.
“I wonder if you can exorcise hands…hmm? Oh, where on the wall was that place I sent you through before. Do you remember?”
Jim shook its head. “Why are you looking for that particular spot? It have fond memories for you or something?”
“Hardly. You told me that it was easier to tear the fabric of existence in a spot where it had previously been rent. And I know I sent you through it from this room, but I don’t remember where, exactly.” I glanced at the clock on the mantel, leaping to my feet when I saw the time. “Oh my god. Oh my god! Tell me that clock isn’t right!”
“That clock isn’t right.”
Relief made me sag a bit as I dug through my purse looking for my cell phone. “Thank god. I was worried there for a minute that I’d missed the wedding.”
“You have,” Jim said complacently, snuffling around behind the fainting couch.
“What? You just told me the clock was wrong!”
“Yuh-uh. And who ordered me to tell her that?”
“Gah!” I screamed, punching a speed-dial number into the phone. “Talk about your day from hell…Jim, look around and find the weak spot. I’m not going to let something like a deranged Guardian ruin my day.”
“Sooo many things I could say to that,” Jim said, shaking its head. “I’ll confine myself to pointing out that even if I found the spot, it wouldn’t do you any good.”
