Hot as Sin
Page 38
“How can you say that?”
“You’re the one who wanted to postpone the wedding. Not me.”
Clearly stung by his accusation, she said, “It sure seemed to me that you were perfectly happy to postpone the wedding, too. I’ll never forget that day I told you I’d taken the pregnancy test. You looked like I was holding a gun to your head, saying, ‘Marry me or else.’ All my life I’d told myself I wasn’t going to repeat my mother’s mistakes, but then there I was having some guy propose to me because he had to. Getting a marriage proposal should have been one of the best days of my life. Instead it was one of the worst. Because I knew how compelled you were to do the right thing. And I knew it would break us eventually.” She paused, shut her eyes tight for a moment before opening them again. “I just didn’t think it would happen so soon.”
After ten years of shoving his feelings as far down as they could go, Sam could barely believe all of this anger and frustration—and love—actually belonged to him.
But more than that, he couldn’t believe the things Dianna was saying. It was time to set her straight.
“You and I both know it wasn’t like that.”
To his amazement, she laughed in his face. Actually laughed. “You honestly expect me to believe that you were looking for a wife and kid at twenty? That you weren’t wanting to go to bars, play the field, live your life like any normal young firefighter?”
What the f**k did she expect him to say to that? Of course that’s how he’d felt.
“Are you saying that’s what you wanted?” he asked, turning the question around to her. “That instead of wearing my engagement ring, you wanted to play the field and mess around with other guys?”
She shook her head, then buried her face in her hands. He couldn’t believe how much he wanted to pull her into his arms. Even though they were standing on opposite poles.
“No,” she finally said, when she lifted her head. “I was in love with you, Sam. I didn’t want anyone else.” Her beautiful lips turned down at the corners. “But that didn’t mean I was ready for a baby. And neither were you.”
There was no point in lying. They were way beyond trying to keep anything from each other.
“You’re right, I wasn’t ready.” He hoped he could find the words to make her understand. “But that didn’t mean that when it happened I didn’t get excited about it.”
A lone tear streaked down her face and he had to bunch his hands into fists to keep from wiping the wetness away from her smooth skin.
“I felt exactly the same way,” she admitted in a shaky voice. “I couldn’t believe how much I was falling in love with this little person growing inside of me. Because even though I knew we weren’t ready, I still hoped we could figure things out.” Her eyes closed and she whispered, “Instead, a piece of me—of both of us—died that day. And I didn’t just lose the baby, I lost you, too.”
His self-control disappeared and he couldn’t stop himself from gathering her into his arms.
He wasn’t angry anymore. How could he be?
“I’m sorry, Dianna,” he said softly against her hair.
A short while later, she said, “I am, too,” and when she moved out of his embrace, letting her go was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do.
Dianna was relieved that they had found this place of mutual understanding. They’d been too young, too naive to have acted out of malice. They’d been confused kids, plain and simple.
There was no way of knowing where she and Sam would go from here, or if they would ever be willing to risk their hearts to each other again, but something told her that whatever choice they ended up making, it would be the right one.
For both of them.
“Thank you for being so honest with me,” she said.
His answering smile took her breath away. “You’re welcome.” He nodded toward the rock. “How about you and me scale that wall?”
She forced a nod, hoping she looked braver than she felt.
“Let’s get this on you,” Sam said, picking up her gear again, and she made herself step into the leg holes of the harness that she assumed was supposed to hold her in the air. Sam’s hands came around her waist, snapping the waist belt shut.
“You’re going to be fine,” he said softly.
If there was any possible way she could avoid climbing up a wall into thin air, she would stop the madness right here, right now. But with a rock wall standing between her and finding April, she had no choice but to climb it.
He leaned in even closer, his mouth brushing against her earlobe. “I’m going to be right behind you. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
The memory of another time he’d said those words to her—right after they made love for the first time—smashed into her. She lost her balance and had to reach out for the rock to steady herself and refocus.
“If you start to fall, here’s what you do.”
She watched him twist the ropes around his arms and waist as if her life depended on it. It did.
“You’re going to lead the climb. I’ll bring up the rear.”
For the umpteenth time, she tried to project a confidence she definitely didn’t feel. That first year she hosted West Coast Update, she’d done the very same thing. No one had known that her knees were knocking together beneath her dress. And Sam didn’t need to know that she was practically having a coronary just gazing up at the rock face.
Yet again, he was an excellent, extremely patient teacher, as he directed her on how to screw the metal bolts into the rock face, then how to clip her carabiners into them.
The first few feet weren’t so bad, and she was able to tell herself that if she fell, she’d possibly break something, but she’d walk away pretty much unscathed. Still, with each new hand- and foothold, her breathing grew increasingly labored. Sam told her where to put her hands and feet and she did exactly what he said.
Until she made the mistake of looking down.
Her stomach roiled and she froze in place. Minutes felt like hours as she clung to the rock. All of the weight was on the tips of her toes, and her muscles started spasming.
“Dianna? Talk to me.”
“I can’t get my legs to stop shaking,” she admitted through dry lips.
Sam moved closer to her on the rock and unclipped her backpack so that he could transfer it to his own shoulders.
“You’re the one who wanted to postpone the wedding. Not me.”
Clearly stung by his accusation, she said, “It sure seemed to me that you were perfectly happy to postpone the wedding, too. I’ll never forget that day I told you I’d taken the pregnancy test. You looked like I was holding a gun to your head, saying, ‘Marry me or else.’ All my life I’d told myself I wasn’t going to repeat my mother’s mistakes, but then there I was having some guy propose to me because he had to. Getting a marriage proposal should have been one of the best days of my life. Instead it was one of the worst. Because I knew how compelled you were to do the right thing. And I knew it would break us eventually.” She paused, shut her eyes tight for a moment before opening them again. “I just didn’t think it would happen so soon.”
After ten years of shoving his feelings as far down as they could go, Sam could barely believe all of this anger and frustration—and love—actually belonged to him.
But more than that, he couldn’t believe the things Dianna was saying. It was time to set her straight.
“You and I both know it wasn’t like that.”
To his amazement, she laughed in his face. Actually laughed. “You honestly expect me to believe that you were looking for a wife and kid at twenty? That you weren’t wanting to go to bars, play the field, live your life like any normal young firefighter?”
What the f**k did she expect him to say to that? Of course that’s how he’d felt.
“Are you saying that’s what you wanted?” he asked, turning the question around to her. “That instead of wearing my engagement ring, you wanted to play the field and mess around with other guys?”
She shook her head, then buried her face in her hands. He couldn’t believe how much he wanted to pull her into his arms. Even though they were standing on opposite poles.
“No,” she finally said, when she lifted her head. “I was in love with you, Sam. I didn’t want anyone else.” Her beautiful lips turned down at the corners. “But that didn’t mean I was ready for a baby. And neither were you.”
There was no point in lying. They were way beyond trying to keep anything from each other.
“You’re right, I wasn’t ready.” He hoped he could find the words to make her understand. “But that didn’t mean that when it happened I didn’t get excited about it.”
A lone tear streaked down her face and he had to bunch his hands into fists to keep from wiping the wetness away from her smooth skin.
“I felt exactly the same way,” she admitted in a shaky voice. “I couldn’t believe how much I was falling in love with this little person growing inside of me. Because even though I knew we weren’t ready, I still hoped we could figure things out.” Her eyes closed and she whispered, “Instead, a piece of me—of both of us—died that day. And I didn’t just lose the baby, I lost you, too.”
His self-control disappeared and he couldn’t stop himself from gathering her into his arms.
He wasn’t angry anymore. How could he be?
“I’m sorry, Dianna,” he said softly against her hair.
A short while later, she said, “I am, too,” and when she moved out of his embrace, letting her go was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do.
Dianna was relieved that they had found this place of mutual understanding. They’d been too young, too naive to have acted out of malice. They’d been confused kids, plain and simple.
There was no way of knowing where she and Sam would go from here, or if they would ever be willing to risk their hearts to each other again, but something told her that whatever choice they ended up making, it would be the right one.
For both of them.
“Thank you for being so honest with me,” she said.
His answering smile took her breath away. “You’re welcome.” He nodded toward the rock. “How about you and me scale that wall?”
She forced a nod, hoping she looked braver than she felt.
“Let’s get this on you,” Sam said, picking up her gear again, and she made herself step into the leg holes of the harness that she assumed was supposed to hold her in the air. Sam’s hands came around her waist, snapping the waist belt shut.
“You’re going to be fine,” he said softly.
If there was any possible way she could avoid climbing up a wall into thin air, she would stop the madness right here, right now. But with a rock wall standing between her and finding April, she had no choice but to climb it.
He leaned in even closer, his mouth brushing against her earlobe. “I’m going to be right behind you. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
The memory of another time he’d said those words to her—right after they made love for the first time—smashed into her. She lost her balance and had to reach out for the rock to steady herself and refocus.
“If you start to fall, here’s what you do.”
She watched him twist the ropes around his arms and waist as if her life depended on it. It did.
“You’re going to lead the climb. I’ll bring up the rear.”
For the umpteenth time, she tried to project a confidence she definitely didn’t feel. That first year she hosted West Coast Update, she’d done the very same thing. No one had known that her knees were knocking together beneath her dress. And Sam didn’t need to know that she was practically having a coronary just gazing up at the rock face.
Yet again, he was an excellent, extremely patient teacher, as he directed her on how to screw the metal bolts into the rock face, then how to clip her carabiners into them.
The first few feet weren’t so bad, and she was able to tell herself that if she fell, she’d possibly break something, but she’d walk away pretty much unscathed. Still, with each new hand- and foothold, her breathing grew increasingly labored. Sam told her where to put her hands and feet and she did exactly what he said.
Until she made the mistake of looking down.
Her stomach roiled and she froze in place. Minutes felt like hours as she clung to the rock. All of the weight was on the tips of her toes, and her muscles started spasming.
“Dianna? Talk to me.”
“I can’t get my legs to stop shaking,” she admitted through dry lips.
Sam moved closer to her on the rock and unclipped her backpack so that he could transfer it to his own shoulders.
