How About No
Page 14
I nodded my head in understanding. “Gotcha. I liked that run.”
I went on that run once and only once, but it was my first big run that I’d ever gone on with Wade on the bike in front of me.
“The one this year is going to be good,” he said. “We’re going to have ten clubs participating, and we’re sponsoring the Children’s Hospital in Dallas. All those kids that are there for various reasons will have their entire Christmas covered.”
That made my heart swell.
“You did that because of Rome’s son, didn’t you?” I asked softly.
Wade shrugged. “It was a suggestion, yes. But Rome was the one to really start planning it out. Him and his new old lady, Izzy.”
Rome, one of Wade’s MC brothers, had a son who had died of Leukemia. I’d met Izzy once, but since I was no longer a part of the MC life since I’d divorced Wade, I hadn’t seen any reason to become friendly with her. The moment she’d realized who I was, she’d been standoffish. Everybody always was once they learned who I was, and who I was no longer married to.
Speaking of which. “Bayou actually talked to me yesterday like I was a normal human being. Do you happen to know why?”
Wade snorted. “You are a normal human being, Landry.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Did you say something to him?”
Wade shook his head. “No.”
I tilted my head slightly to the side and stuffed some corn nuts into my open mouth to keep myself from calling him a liar.
“Why do you eat those?” he suddenly burst out. “They’re so gross.”
They weren’t gross.
“Why are you such a weenie when it comes to smells?” I asked. “You bought this Snickers knowing you weren’t going to like the smell of me eating it in this closed cab. Which, by the way, you hate me doing anyway. Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?”
Wade shrugged. “A lot of things have changed. Things that used to bug me no longer do.”
“Why?” I pushed.
He turned his blinker on and went around a car, causing my heart to accelerate because he’d cut off a big black truck to do it, and then said, “Do you want the truth?”
I nodded. “I always want the truth from you.”
He moved back over to the slow lane, and the big black truck flipped him off as he flew past.
Wade flipped him right back off himself, and then bit the corner of his mouth as he began thinking.
Likely wondering whether he should really tell me the truth or not.
“Because,” he paused. “When you left, I realized those petty little stupid things we fought over were just that—stupid. In the grand scheme of things, I’d rather deal with all those things that used to bother the hell out of me if it only meant you were back at my side still doing them.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
“I hate what happened between us.”
I felt my heart skip a beat at his exclamation.
“I hate that it happened, and I hate that you had to go through your childhood like you did. We were so good together. You took you away from me, and even after all this time apart, I still don’t know how to function without you.”
I swallowed hard, wondering what in the hell I was supposed to say to that.
“Wade…”
“I shouldn’t have forced you to do something you didn’t want to do,” he said. “I should have taken what you said to heart. I should’ve let you do what you wanted, and I should have supported you in every decision that you made, regardless of whether I agreed with it or not. Because that is part of what being married is about, compromise and understanding. I wasn’t either of those things and by not supporting you in your decision, I ruined our lives.”
How long had I wanted to hear that?
“Wade…”
“And then it all starts making a sick sort of sense when you said today that you couldn’t have kids,” he continued. “That morning, before your sister had come, I told you that I wanted a child and you’d shut down.”
I had.
As luck would have it, my sister had come over right after that argument had taken place and told me that she needed another bone marrow transplant. It’d been perfect timing, really.
“You didn’t just leave me because of what happened with your sister, did you?”
No, I hadn’t.
“You wouldn’t have stopped wanting them,” I said softly.
He growled. “Did you ever stop to consider that there were alternate ways of having a child that didn’t include you conceiving and carrying it?”
I looked away.
Yes, I’d considered that.
And I’d even thought to mention it…but then my sister had shown, and Wade had literally torn my heart out for a second time that day and I’d…reacted.
It hadn’t been a good reaction.
In fact, I wasn’t proud of what I’d done. I should’ve done things a hell of a lot differently than I had. Yet, I couldn’t make myself.
“I have depression issues,” I finally admitted. “And honestly, even if there was another way to have children, I’m not the right person to be raising them. Not with all the shit that goes on in my head.”
He growled in frustration. “You’ll just use anything as an excuse, won’t you?”
I frowned and snapped my gaze to his. “What? No!”
“We were married for almost a year and a half, and since we’ve been divorced, I’ve had time to think about our time together. You want to know something?” He didn’t wait for me to answer him with a yes or a no. “I think that you always had one foot out the door. You were always ready, just waiting for me to screw up. I think I scared you by asking you to marry me, and you were so fuckin’ happy that you said yes without thinking it through.”
I frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“You were always waiting for the other shoe to drop,” he explained. “You were waiting for me to find something to hate you for, so instead of waiting for me to find it, you found something that was big enough—a good enough reason—to leave me for.”
I opened my mouth to deny it, to tell him that he was so full of crap it was coming out of his ears, and promptly shut my mouth.
Because…he was right.
And I had absolutely nothing to say to it.
The next few minutes I sat completely stock still in my chair, my heart racing, as I tried to come up with something to say that would refute what he’d just said…but nothing ever came to my lips.
“I think you wait for me to treat you like your parents treat you,” he rumbled quietly. “And honey, I’m not your parents.”
I reached into the bag that was now between my feet, and took out the Snickers, opening it and shoving a large bite in my mouth before chewing it quickly. Then another. And another.
When I was done with the entire bar, I reached for the other Snickers.
That was gone in less than two miles, too.
“I love…” he started, and I screamed.
“Don’t!”
He continued speaking. “…you.”
I shook my head fast and hard. “No!”
“I love you,” he repeated again.
I shook my head against my headrest. “Please stop.”
“I have loved you from the moment I first saw you,” he continued.
I shook my head and closed my eyes. “Please stop. Please.”
“I love you. I love you. I love you,” he repeated.
I started to hyperventilate.
“Nothing you can do or say can change how I feel.” He pushed, “I’ve been yours from the moment you walked into my classroom and gave me your eyes.”
I swallowed hard.
“Wade, please,” I whispered. “You don’t know what you’re getting into.”
He snorted. “I know exactly what I’m getting into.”
I shook my head, frantically trying to come up with something that would stop this.
“No, you don’t,” I argued. “You don’t know anything.”
That’s when he laughed.
I went on that run once and only once, but it was my first big run that I’d ever gone on with Wade on the bike in front of me.
“The one this year is going to be good,” he said. “We’re going to have ten clubs participating, and we’re sponsoring the Children’s Hospital in Dallas. All those kids that are there for various reasons will have their entire Christmas covered.”
That made my heart swell.
“You did that because of Rome’s son, didn’t you?” I asked softly.
Wade shrugged. “It was a suggestion, yes. But Rome was the one to really start planning it out. Him and his new old lady, Izzy.”
Rome, one of Wade’s MC brothers, had a son who had died of Leukemia. I’d met Izzy once, but since I was no longer a part of the MC life since I’d divorced Wade, I hadn’t seen any reason to become friendly with her. The moment she’d realized who I was, she’d been standoffish. Everybody always was once they learned who I was, and who I was no longer married to.
Speaking of which. “Bayou actually talked to me yesterday like I was a normal human being. Do you happen to know why?”
Wade snorted. “You are a normal human being, Landry.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Did you say something to him?”
Wade shook his head. “No.”
I tilted my head slightly to the side and stuffed some corn nuts into my open mouth to keep myself from calling him a liar.
“Why do you eat those?” he suddenly burst out. “They’re so gross.”
They weren’t gross.
“Why are you such a weenie when it comes to smells?” I asked. “You bought this Snickers knowing you weren’t going to like the smell of me eating it in this closed cab. Which, by the way, you hate me doing anyway. Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?”
Wade shrugged. “A lot of things have changed. Things that used to bug me no longer do.”
“Why?” I pushed.
He turned his blinker on and went around a car, causing my heart to accelerate because he’d cut off a big black truck to do it, and then said, “Do you want the truth?”
I nodded. “I always want the truth from you.”
He moved back over to the slow lane, and the big black truck flipped him off as he flew past.
Wade flipped him right back off himself, and then bit the corner of his mouth as he began thinking.
Likely wondering whether he should really tell me the truth or not.
“Because,” he paused. “When you left, I realized those petty little stupid things we fought over were just that—stupid. In the grand scheme of things, I’d rather deal with all those things that used to bother the hell out of me if it only meant you were back at my side still doing them.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
“I hate what happened between us.”
I felt my heart skip a beat at his exclamation.
“I hate that it happened, and I hate that you had to go through your childhood like you did. We were so good together. You took you away from me, and even after all this time apart, I still don’t know how to function without you.”
I swallowed hard, wondering what in the hell I was supposed to say to that.
“Wade…”
“I shouldn’t have forced you to do something you didn’t want to do,” he said. “I should have taken what you said to heart. I should’ve let you do what you wanted, and I should have supported you in every decision that you made, regardless of whether I agreed with it or not. Because that is part of what being married is about, compromise and understanding. I wasn’t either of those things and by not supporting you in your decision, I ruined our lives.”
How long had I wanted to hear that?
“Wade…”
“And then it all starts making a sick sort of sense when you said today that you couldn’t have kids,” he continued. “That morning, before your sister had come, I told you that I wanted a child and you’d shut down.”
I had.
As luck would have it, my sister had come over right after that argument had taken place and told me that she needed another bone marrow transplant. It’d been perfect timing, really.
“You didn’t just leave me because of what happened with your sister, did you?”
No, I hadn’t.
“You wouldn’t have stopped wanting them,” I said softly.
He growled. “Did you ever stop to consider that there were alternate ways of having a child that didn’t include you conceiving and carrying it?”
I looked away.
Yes, I’d considered that.
And I’d even thought to mention it…but then my sister had shown, and Wade had literally torn my heart out for a second time that day and I’d…reacted.
It hadn’t been a good reaction.
In fact, I wasn’t proud of what I’d done. I should’ve done things a hell of a lot differently than I had. Yet, I couldn’t make myself.
“I have depression issues,” I finally admitted. “And honestly, even if there was another way to have children, I’m not the right person to be raising them. Not with all the shit that goes on in my head.”
He growled in frustration. “You’ll just use anything as an excuse, won’t you?”
I frowned and snapped my gaze to his. “What? No!”
“We were married for almost a year and a half, and since we’ve been divorced, I’ve had time to think about our time together. You want to know something?” He didn’t wait for me to answer him with a yes or a no. “I think that you always had one foot out the door. You were always ready, just waiting for me to screw up. I think I scared you by asking you to marry me, and you were so fuckin’ happy that you said yes without thinking it through.”
I frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“You were always waiting for the other shoe to drop,” he explained. “You were waiting for me to find something to hate you for, so instead of waiting for me to find it, you found something that was big enough—a good enough reason—to leave me for.”
I opened my mouth to deny it, to tell him that he was so full of crap it was coming out of his ears, and promptly shut my mouth.
Because…he was right.
And I had absolutely nothing to say to it.
The next few minutes I sat completely stock still in my chair, my heart racing, as I tried to come up with something to say that would refute what he’d just said…but nothing ever came to my lips.
“I think you wait for me to treat you like your parents treat you,” he rumbled quietly. “And honey, I’m not your parents.”
I reached into the bag that was now between my feet, and took out the Snickers, opening it and shoving a large bite in my mouth before chewing it quickly. Then another. And another.
When I was done with the entire bar, I reached for the other Snickers.
That was gone in less than two miles, too.
“I love…” he started, and I screamed.
“Don’t!”
He continued speaking. “…you.”
I shook my head fast and hard. “No!”
“I love you,” he repeated again.
I shook my head against my headrest. “Please stop.”
“I have loved you from the moment I first saw you,” he continued.
I shook my head and closed my eyes. “Please stop. Please.”
“I love you. I love you. I love you,” he repeated.
I started to hyperventilate.
“Nothing you can do or say can change how I feel.” He pushed, “I’ve been yours from the moment you walked into my classroom and gave me your eyes.”
I swallowed hard.
“Wade, please,” I whispered. “You don’t know what you’re getting into.”
He snorted. “I know exactly what I’m getting into.”
I shook my head, frantically trying to come up with something that would stop this.
“No, you don’t,” I argued. “You don’t know anything.”
That’s when he laughed.
