How to Ruin Your Boyfriend's Reputation
Page 27
"Probably because we live near civilization," Jess says.
We both stare up into the sky. Seriously, there must be billions of stars above us. After a minute, a streak shoots through the sky. It's there and gone before I know it, making me wonder if I've even seen it at all.
"Was that what I thought it was?" Jess asks.
"I saw it, too. I've never seen a shooting star before."
"Me, either. Should we make a wish?"
I wish... (I can't tell you, because then it might not come true. But I bet you can guess.)
As we're whispering, I have the sudden urge to pee. "I've got to go to the bathroom. Come with me."
"No way," Jess murmurs. "I'm not risking getting bitten by a night creature. Wait until morning."
I try to settle back in my sleeping bag. But since I'm not able to sleep, and I hear people snoring (Nathan is like his own little symphony), I take George II and decide to wander away from camp to find a perfect spot to squat. I need to find a place far enough away that I can take my panties and pants off, so I don't make them grosser than they already are.
Eventually I find a large, flat rock jutting out from the ground. Thankful for the little light the billions of stars offer and for the fact I don't have to dig a hole in order to pee, I situate half of my butt on the rock and the other half, well, you get the idea.
As I relieve myself, I hear little pop-pop-pops in the distance. Like gunfire. "We're in Israel, on the grounds where the military does its training operations... can Avi be just a few hundred yards away? In the past, gunfire would freak me out, but now it's getting to be a familiar sound. I'm getting desensitized to it. Freaky, I know.
I must look ridiculous naked, from the waist down, sitting with half my butt on a rock and the other half hanging off--with an M16 strapped to my back while I'm intently listening to gunfire. If Avi could see me now (not that I'd let him see me pee, ever), he'd be proud that I'm roughing it without complaining.
If the Sayeret Tzefa trainees are on some sort of outdoor firing range doing night exercises, maybe I can say a quick goodbye to him. I'm aware it might not be the best idea, but I'm thinking positively. As I put my pants back on, I take a few steps toward the popping sounds.
When I hear more popping sounds, I hurry closer. Live ammo this close to the army base means training exercises, not war.
I've been walking for over ten minutes, praying that a snake or desert creature doesn't think I'm their midnight snack. I wish I had my headlight with me so I could see better. Despite the stars, the desert has too many scary shadows. I don't know if my eyes are playing tricks on me or if the rocks are really moving snakes and coyotes.
I climb up and over a steep hill. I think the firing range must be close, because the gunfire is getting louder.
As I maneuver around a big boulder blocking my path, a large, strong hand clamps over my mouth.
I try to scream as loud as I can, but the hand around my mouth tightens and my attempts at screaming are useless. I'm spun around with the force of a tornado.
Chapter 27
Brilliance and stupidity are probably as closely related as love and hate.
As I'm twirled around so fast it makes my head spin, I'm face to face with an Israeli soldier. Even with his black mask and black clothes, I know it's Avi. I can see his eyes shining through the holes in his mask. I'd know those sexy eyes anywhere.
"Amy?" he whispers.
My panic starts to subside, but my pulse is still racing frantically. "Hi," I say sheepishly. "We were sleeping in the desert somewhere over there." I point in the approximate direction of our campsite. "And I heard gunfire so I thought you might be over here doing night range shooting. I know I smell because I didn't shower today. And I have sweaty cleave from my monoboob. And my under- wear is full of rock dust that chafed my buttcheeks when I sat on the rock and peed. But I wanted to see you one last time before I went back to Chicago."
"First of all, never go toward the sound of gunfire. Ever. You hear me?" he says sternly.
"I hear you."
"And second--" He doesn't finish his sentence. He does curse a few times, though. Some of the words are in English, and I know some are curses in Hebrew because I've heard my dad say them on rare occasions when he's royally pissed.
I watch as Avi pushes a small button on a headset I didn't realize he was wearing. He says something in Hebrew. I can't hear the response, because the receiver must be some kind of earpiece in his ear.
"So I guess you're not doing range exercises, huh?"
He shakes his head.
"Running exercises?"
He shakes his head. "Amy, I hate to break the news to you but you've just entered military war games."
"War games? With real guns?"
"With real paintball guns." He picks up his rifle and shows me the gadget attached to it, which turned the gun into a paintball gun. "It's dangerous. I'm taking you back."
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to say goodbye to you. It was an innocent mistake."
"All of your mistakes are innocent, and yet they still get you in loads of trouble. Come on," he orders. He talks into his headset again as he leads me back up the mountain. He groans into the microphone, then turns to me. "I just got word from Nimrod that Ori got captured. He did manage to hide his weapon right before they got him."
"What does that mean?"
He winces, obviously pissed at this new predicament. "It means I can't take you back, not now."
"I'll go back myself, then."
"When the other team sees you walking up the mountain, it'll give away my location. I can't let you do that. It could jeopardize my team." After making me put on his vest for protection, he motions for me to follow him.
"When will this exercise be over?" I whisper.
He gives a short laugh. "When one team wins and the opposing team members are either dead or captured. Dead meaning paintball dead... not real dead."
"Oh," I say, grateful for the elaboration.
Avi leads me over the rough terrain. I slip every once in a while because my high tops aren't exactly made for mountain climbing... or war games, for that matter. Avi is moving quickly, holding my hand so I don't fall on my ass.
"Get down," he mouths, motioning for me to lay on the ground next to him and stay silent. "Stay here." He crawls away, and is back in less than a minute. He takes my M16 away and hands me another one. "This is Oris. It's loaded with paintballs. They're dangerous, so don't shoot at close range and don't shoot unless fired upon."
"Don't worry." I might be a Jewish warrior woman, but I'm not about to shoot this thing without Avi telling me to.
I move right next to him as he pulls small binoculars out of his pocket and surveys the area. He pushes that button again on the headset he's wearing and talks softly into the microphone in Hebrew.
"We'll stay here and wait for instructions from the team leader."
"Who's the team leader?"
"Nimrod."
"Why not you?"
"Because Nimrod doesn't have a civilian tagging along on the mission who also happens to be someone he's romantically involved with."
Wait. Does that mean... "Avi, were you the team leader ten minutes ago?"
"It doesn't matter."
Oh, no. It's bad enough I've been dragged into military war games because of my own curiosity and stupidity. But Avi being stripped of his team leader status because of me is awful. "Let me be captured so you can be team leader again."
He shakes his head. "Not happening."
"Why not?"
"Because this is real, Amy. Even though this isn't real war, we're supposed to act like it is. It's not capture the flag in gym class. In a real situation, I'd give my life up to protect yours. I know it and my entire squad knows it. That makes both of us liabilities."
I'm quiet as this new news sinks in. "You'd die for me, Avi?"
He pulls the mask off his face. His soul is reflected in the depths of his pupils. "I'd do just about anything for you."
Heart-melting time. I'd do anything for Avi, even die for him. I'm not sure he's convinced I'm tough enough to deal with the war games scenario. One thing I know for sure, though, is that I've single-handedly ruined my boyfriend's reputation. He got demoted because of me. How am I supposed to fix it?
Avi, oblivious to the fact that I'm ruining his military career, talks to his squad and waits. Then he talks again, getting information from Nimrod and passing back information from our end. "Doron got hit." He lets out a breath and shakes his head. "This isn't good."
"Where's Nimrod?"
"Near the other team's headquarters, where Ori is being held. Come on," he says. "Crawl on your stomach to the big rock over there. Stay low."
I follow Avi to the big rock, my knees scraping the desert floor and my monoboob pressed to the ground. I don't complain, but look on the bright side of being caught in the middle of war games: I'm with Avi.
I wished on the shooting star, and my wish came true. Next time I should specify for it not to be while he's in the middle of war games, but whatever. Being with Avi is better than the alternative, any day.
Avi is listening to instructions from Nimrod. He motions me forward, so we're side by side. "Udi is covering Nimrod so he can rescue the hostage. I told them they needed a second cover man, but Nimrod ordered me to stay put."
"You think they can do it?"
"Yeah. But it's risky with us being outnumbered." Avi pulls out his binoculars and surveys the situation.
"Can you see them?"
"No. They're out of sight range."
"What happens if they're caught?"
He looks at me and shrugs. "Then it's just us."
I hear the pop-pop-pop of gunfire. Avi curses again. "Nimrod's down. Udi's captured. The other team ambushed them. Nimrod and Udi got two down before getting hit. It's just you and me," he says. "I probably don't have to tell you the odds aren't in our favor."
I'm to blame for Avi's team dying and/or being captured, one by one, as soon as I arrived. "Are you giving up?" I ask him.
"No."
"Because I have a plan."
"I do, too. It involves me opening fire when they start shooting at us. The other team knows me, and they know I'm not going down without a fight."
"I have a better plan. One that might give us the advantage."
"Let's hear it," he says, gesturing for me to share my idea.
"You'll really listen to my suggestion?"
"Of course. My girlfriend might be an American princess, and gets herself into ridiculous situations all the time... but she's no dummy."
I straighten my back and hold my head high, ready to reveal my perfect plan. "Avi, take off your clothes."
Chapter 28
Who knew the best time of your life could be on a mountain, in the middle of a desert, caught up in war games?
With an M16 retrofitted paintball machine gun in my hand and Avis clothes on my body, I head into enemy territory. The mask is too big, the shirt is flimsy except in the boob area, and the pants are about to fall off, but I manage to look enough like Avi maneuvering through the rocks.
We both stare up into the sky. Seriously, there must be billions of stars above us. After a minute, a streak shoots through the sky. It's there and gone before I know it, making me wonder if I've even seen it at all.
"Was that what I thought it was?" Jess asks.
"I saw it, too. I've never seen a shooting star before."
"Me, either. Should we make a wish?"
I wish... (I can't tell you, because then it might not come true. But I bet you can guess.)
As we're whispering, I have the sudden urge to pee. "I've got to go to the bathroom. Come with me."
"No way," Jess murmurs. "I'm not risking getting bitten by a night creature. Wait until morning."
I try to settle back in my sleeping bag. But since I'm not able to sleep, and I hear people snoring (Nathan is like his own little symphony), I take George II and decide to wander away from camp to find a perfect spot to squat. I need to find a place far enough away that I can take my panties and pants off, so I don't make them grosser than they already are.
Eventually I find a large, flat rock jutting out from the ground. Thankful for the little light the billions of stars offer and for the fact I don't have to dig a hole in order to pee, I situate half of my butt on the rock and the other half, well, you get the idea.
As I relieve myself, I hear little pop-pop-pops in the distance. Like gunfire. "We're in Israel, on the grounds where the military does its training operations... can Avi be just a few hundred yards away? In the past, gunfire would freak me out, but now it's getting to be a familiar sound. I'm getting desensitized to it. Freaky, I know.
I must look ridiculous naked, from the waist down, sitting with half my butt on a rock and the other half hanging off--with an M16 strapped to my back while I'm intently listening to gunfire. If Avi could see me now (not that I'd let him see me pee, ever), he'd be proud that I'm roughing it without complaining.
If the Sayeret Tzefa trainees are on some sort of outdoor firing range doing night exercises, maybe I can say a quick goodbye to him. I'm aware it might not be the best idea, but I'm thinking positively. As I put my pants back on, I take a few steps toward the popping sounds.
When I hear more popping sounds, I hurry closer. Live ammo this close to the army base means training exercises, not war.
I've been walking for over ten minutes, praying that a snake or desert creature doesn't think I'm their midnight snack. I wish I had my headlight with me so I could see better. Despite the stars, the desert has too many scary shadows. I don't know if my eyes are playing tricks on me or if the rocks are really moving snakes and coyotes.
I climb up and over a steep hill. I think the firing range must be close, because the gunfire is getting louder.
As I maneuver around a big boulder blocking my path, a large, strong hand clamps over my mouth.
I try to scream as loud as I can, but the hand around my mouth tightens and my attempts at screaming are useless. I'm spun around with the force of a tornado.
Chapter 27
Brilliance and stupidity are probably as closely related as love and hate.
As I'm twirled around so fast it makes my head spin, I'm face to face with an Israeli soldier. Even with his black mask and black clothes, I know it's Avi. I can see his eyes shining through the holes in his mask. I'd know those sexy eyes anywhere.
"Amy?" he whispers.
My panic starts to subside, but my pulse is still racing frantically. "Hi," I say sheepishly. "We were sleeping in the desert somewhere over there." I point in the approximate direction of our campsite. "And I heard gunfire so I thought you might be over here doing night range shooting. I know I smell because I didn't shower today. And I have sweaty cleave from my monoboob. And my under- wear is full of rock dust that chafed my buttcheeks when I sat on the rock and peed. But I wanted to see you one last time before I went back to Chicago."
"First of all, never go toward the sound of gunfire. Ever. You hear me?" he says sternly.
"I hear you."
"And second--" He doesn't finish his sentence. He does curse a few times, though. Some of the words are in English, and I know some are curses in Hebrew because I've heard my dad say them on rare occasions when he's royally pissed.
I watch as Avi pushes a small button on a headset I didn't realize he was wearing. He says something in Hebrew. I can't hear the response, because the receiver must be some kind of earpiece in his ear.
"So I guess you're not doing range exercises, huh?"
He shakes his head.
"Running exercises?"
He shakes his head. "Amy, I hate to break the news to you but you've just entered military war games."
"War games? With real guns?"
"With real paintball guns." He picks up his rifle and shows me the gadget attached to it, which turned the gun into a paintball gun. "It's dangerous. I'm taking you back."
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to say goodbye to you. It was an innocent mistake."
"All of your mistakes are innocent, and yet they still get you in loads of trouble. Come on," he orders. He talks into his headset again as he leads me back up the mountain. He groans into the microphone, then turns to me. "I just got word from Nimrod that Ori got captured. He did manage to hide his weapon right before they got him."
"What does that mean?"
He winces, obviously pissed at this new predicament. "It means I can't take you back, not now."
"I'll go back myself, then."
"When the other team sees you walking up the mountain, it'll give away my location. I can't let you do that. It could jeopardize my team." After making me put on his vest for protection, he motions for me to follow him.
"When will this exercise be over?" I whisper.
He gives a short laugh. "When one team wins and the opposing team members are either dead or captured. Dead meaning paintball dead... not real dead."
"Oh," I say, grateful for the elaboration.
Avi leads me over the rough terrain. I slip every once in a while because my high tops aren't exactly made for mountain climbing... or war games, for that matter. Avi is moving quickly, holding my hand so I don't fall on my ass.
"Get down," he mouths, motioning for me to lay on the ground next to him and stay silent. "Stay here." He crawls away, and is back in less than a minute. He takes my M16 away and hands me another one. "This is Oris. It's loaded with paintballs. They're dangerous, so don't shoot at close range and don't shoot unless fired upon."
"Don't worry." I might be a Jewish warrior woman, but I'm not about to shoot this thing without Avi telling me to.
I move right next to him as he pulls small binoculars out of his pocket and surveys the area. He pushes that button again on the headset he's wearing and talks softly into the microphone in Hebrew.
"We'll stay here and wait for instructions from the team leader."
"Who's the team leader?"
"Nimrod."
"Why not you?"
"Because Nimrod doesn't have a civilian tagging along on the mission who also happens to be someone he's romantically involved with."
Wait. Does that mean... "Avi, were you the team leader ten minutes ago?"
"It doesn't matter."
Oh, no. It's bad enough I've been dragged into military war games because of my own curiosity and stupidity. But Avi being stripped of his team leader status because of me is awful. "Let me be captured so you can be team leader again."
He shakes his head. "Not happening."
"Why not?"
"Because this is real, Amy. Even though this isn't real war, we're supposed to act like it is. It's not capture the flag in gym class. In a real situation, I'd give my life up to protect yours. I know it and my entire squad knows it. That makes both of us liabilities."
I'm quiet as this new news sinks in. "You'd die for me, Avi?"
He pulls the mask off his face. His soul is reflected in the depths of his pupils. "I'd do just about anything for you."
Heart-melting time. I'd do anything for Avi, even die for him. I'm not sure he's convinced I'm tough enough to deal with the war games scenario. One thing I know for sure, though, is that I've single-handedly ruined my boyfriend's reputation. He got demoted because of me. How am I supposed to fix it?
Avi, oblivious to the fact that I'm ruining his military career, talks to his squad and waits. Then he talks again, getting information from Nimrod and passing back information from our end. "Doron got hit." He lets out a breath and shakes his head. "This isn't good."
"Where's Nimrod?"
"Near the other team's headquarters, where Ori is being held. Come on," he says. "Crawl on your stomach to the big rock over there. Stay low."
I follow Avi to the big rock, my knees scraping the desert floor and my monoboob pressed to the ground. I don't complain, but look on the bright side of being caught in the middle of war games: I'm with Avi.
I wished on the shooting star, and my wish came true. Next time I should specify for it not to be while he's in the middle of war games, but whatever. Being with Avi is better than the alternative, any day.
Avi is listening to instructions from Nimrod. He motions me forward, so we're side by side. "Udi is covering Nimrod so he can rescue the hostage. I told them they needed a second cover man, but Nimrod ordered me to stay put."
"You think they can do it?"
"Yeah. But it's risky with us being outnumbered." Avi pulls out his binoculars and surveys the situation.
"Can you see them?"
"No. They're out of sight range."
"What happens if they're caught?"
He looks at me and shrugs. "Then it's just us."
I hear the pop-pop-pop of gunfire. Avi curses again. "Nimrod's down. Udi's captured. The other team ambushed them. Nimrod and Udi got two down before getting hit. It's just you and me," he says. "I probably don't have to tell you the odds aren't in our favor."
I'm to blame for Avi's team dying and/or being captured, one by one, as soon as I arrived. "Are you giving up?" I ask him.
"No."
"Because I have a plan."
"I do, too. It involves me opening fire when they start shooting at us. The other team knows me, and they know I'm not going down without a fight."
"I have a better plan. One that might give us the advantage."
"Let's hear it," he says, gesturing for me to share my idea.
"You'll really listen to my suggestion?"
"Of course. My girlfriend might be an American princess, and gets herself into ridiculous situations all the time... but she's no dummy."
I straighten my back and hold my head high, ready to reveal my perfect plan. "Avi, take off your clothes."
Chapter 28
Who knew the best time of your life could be on a mountain, in the middle of a desert, caught up in war games?
With an M16 retrofitted paintball machine gun in my hand and Avis clothes on my body, I head into enemy territory. The mask is too big, the shirt is flimsy except in the boob area, and the pants are about to fall off, but I manage to look enough like Avi maneuvering through the rocks.
