Iced
Page 65
I find my fingers dancing lightly over the pearl buttons of my blouse and snatch them away. I see a shameful vision of my girls discovering their new Grand Mistress cavorting naked around Cruces cage. It is erotic. It is horrific.
Freedom terrifies you because you never permit yourself any, Cruce said last night in my dreams. I am not the only one in a cage. The shame you feel is not about me but that you know you stand in a cage, too, and it is of your own making. You have felt the darkest emotions of others since you were a child, you know what monsters crouch inside them, and you confuse your passions with their monsters. They are not the same, my beloved Kat. Not the same at all.
He says I repress passion. That I do not permit myself to feel any of it. He says my love for Sean is a lie. That I seek comfort and safety and do not know what love is. He says I choose Sean because he, too, feels no passion. He says we are not running toward each other in love, but away from things in fear. Set yourself free, he says. Come to me. Choose me.
God help me. I walk in a valley of darkness and I need your light to guide me.
I unwrap my hands and back away. I must never come here again.
I will build a blockade of mental tricks in my mind, as I did when I was young and needed to protect myself from the wild, hurtful emotions of my family.
As I turn away I hear a noise so small I nearly overlook it. I dont want to turn back. It is nearly impossible for me to force myself to leave this place.
Yet I turn. I am the Grand Mistress here. The cavernous chamber, lit by a skein of torches on the walls, appears empty. There is nothing in it but a stone slab, Cruces cage, and me. If I share this chamber with another, they are either behind the slab or on the far side of his cage. Hiding. Quiet. Waiting for me to leave.
Cognizant of my position at the abbey, I avert my gaze from the iced prince and sedately walk the circumference of his cage, head straight, shoulders squared.
I turn the corner. Margery, I say. She is directly opposite where, moments ago, I stood. Had she made no sound, I would have left none the wiser.
Kat.
Hostility buffets me in hot waves. The emotions of others have temperature and color, and when intense, texture as well.
Margery is red, fevered, and complexly crafted as a honeycomb, with hundreds of tiny deceits and angers and resentments tucked into each small nook. I know a thing about resentment: it is a poison you drink yourself, expecting others to die.
Ive been classifying emotions into categories all my life. Navigating the hearts of those around me is a minefield. There are people I stand near a single time and skirt forevermore. Margerys emotions are deeply conflicted, dangerous.
I wonder if I could feel my own, I would also be hot, red, a honeycomb of lies and resentments. But I do not want to lead! my soul is crying.
I was wondering if we overlooked something about the grid, she says. I fear he is not securely contained.
As was I. As do I.
Great minds. She offers a tight smile. Her hands clench the bars, white-knuckled.
I do not add the cued think alike because she and I do not. She hungers for power. I long for simplicity. I would have made a fine fishermans wife, in a cottage by the sea, with five children, cats and dogs. She would make a grand Napoleon.
We assess each other warily.
Does he visit her?
Does he make love to her?
I cannot ask if she is dreaming of him and if that is what has brought her down here on this rainy, cold morning. Whether she is or not, she will claim she is not then tell the entire abbey that I am, that I am being corrupted and must be replaced.
She will use anything against me to take control of the abbey. At the very core of my first cousin Margery Annabelle Bean-McLaughlin is a great, sucking need. It was there when we were children, playing together, and she broke the knees of my dolls and stole small treasures from me. I have never understood it. I observe her white knuckles. She clenches the bars of his cage as if she is squeezing the life from something. Your thoughts?
She moistens her lower lip, looks as if shes about to speak, then stops. I wait and after a moment she says, What if the King took the book? I mean, took it from Cruce before he iced him.
Do you think thats possible? I say, as if its a perfectly reasonable question. As if I dont know in that instant we are both being fed the same lies.
She looks at Cruce then back at me. Her eyes are billboards, advertising her emotions. She regards Cruce with tender, private communion. She looks at me as if I could not possibly begin to understand the first thing about her, him, or the world we live in. You are not gifted, she hissed at me when we were nine and she heard her parents praising me for saving the family from a traitor in the endless plots and plans and betrayals that were our life. My parents used to take me to business meetings with Dublins seediest, and watch me carefully to see who made me most uncomfortable. You are cursed and flawed and no one is ever going to love you!
All these years later I see the same taunt in her eyes. Oh, yes, he is attending her nightly, too.
I am not only an adulteress, I am a cheap one. I shape that realization into a brick around my heart and slather it with mortar so it is ready for the next brick I can use. It will be in his way when he comes tonight. My Sean will be in bed beside me.
She shrugs. Perhaps we dont know what really happened down here that night. What if the king tricked us?
Freedom terrifies you because you never permit yourself any, Cruce said last night in my dreams. I am not the only one in a cage. The shame you feel is not about me but that you know you stand in a cage, too, and it is of your own making. You have felt the darkest emotions of others since you were a child, you know what monsters crouch inside them, and you confuse your passions with their monsters. They are not the same, my beloved Kat. Not the same at all.
He says I repress passion. That I do not permit myself to feel any of it. He says my love for Sean is a lie. That I seek comfort and safety and do not know what love is. He says I choose Sean because he, too, feels no passion. He says we are not running toward each other in love, but away from things in fear. Set yourself free, he says. Come to me. Choose me.
God help me. I walk in a valley of darkness and I need your light to guide me.
I unwrap my hands and back away. I must never come here again.
I will build a blockade of mental tricks in my mind, as I did when I was young and needed to protect myself from the wild, hurtful emotions of my family.
As I turn away I hear a noise so small I nearly overlook it. I dont want to turn back. It is nearly impossible for me to force myself to leave this place.
Yet I turn. I am the Grand Mistress here. The cavernous chamber, lit by a skein of torches on the walls, appears empty. There is nothing in it but a stone slab, Cruces cage, and me. If I share this chamber with another, they are either behind the slab or on the far side of his cage. Hiding. Quiet. Waiting for me to leave.
Cognizant of my position at the abbey, I avert my gaze from the iced prince and sedately walk the circumference of his cage, head straight, shoulders squared.
I turn the corner. Margery, I say. She is directly opposite where, moments ago, I stood. Had she made no sound, I would have left none the wiser.
Kat.
Hostility buffets me in hot waves. The emotions of others have temperature and color, and when intense, texture as well.
Margery is red, fevered, and complexly crafted as a honeycomb, with hundreds of tiny deceits and angers and resentments tucked into each small nook. I know a thing about resentment: it is a poison you drink yourself, expecting others to die.
Ive been classifying emotions into categories all my life. Navigating the hearts of those around me is a minefield. There are people I stand near a single time and skirt forevermore. Margerys emotions are deeply conflicted, dangerous.
I wonder if I could feel my own, I would also be hot, red, a honeycomb of lies and resentments. But I do not want to lead! my soul is crying.
I was wondering if we overlooked something about the grid, she says. I fear he is not securely contained.
As was I. As do I.
Great minds. She offers a tight smile. Her hands clench the bars, white-knuckled.
I do not add the cued think alike because she and I do not. She hungers for power. I long for simplicity. I would have made a fine fishermans wife, in a cottage by the sea, with five children, cats and dogs. She would make a grand Napoleon.
We assess each other warily.
Does he visit her?
Does he make love to her?
I cannot ask if she is dreaming of him and if that is what has brought her down here on this rainy, cold morning. Whether she is or not, she will claim she is not then tell the entire abbey that I am, that I am being corrupted and must be replaced.
She will use anything against me to take control of the abbey. At the very core of my first cousin Margery Annabelle Bean-McLaughlin is a great, sucking need. It was there when we were children, playing together, and she broke the knees of my dolls and stole small treasures from me. I have never understood it. I observe her white knuckles. She clenches the bars of his cage as if she is squeezing the life from something. Your thoughts?
She moistens her lower lip, looks as if shes about to speak, then stops. I wait and after a moment she says, What if the King took the book? I mean, took it from Cruce before he iced him.
Do you think thats possible? I say, as if its a perfectly reasonable question. As if I dont know in that instant we are both being fed the same lies.
She looks at Cruce then back at me. Her eyes are billboards, advertising her emotions. She regards Cruce with tender, private communion. She looks at me as if I could not possibly begin to understand the first thing about her, him, or the world we live in. You are not gifted, she hissed at me when we were nine and she heard her parents praising me for saving the family from a traitor in the endless plots and plans and betrayals that were our life. My parents used to take me to business meetings with Dublins seediest, and watch me carefully to see who made me most uncomfortable. You are cursed and flawed and no one is ever going to love you!
All these years later I see the same taunt in her eyes. Oh, yes, he is attending her nightly, too.
I am not only an adulteress, I am a cheap one. I shape that realization into a brick around my heart and slather it with mortar so it is ready for the next brick I can use. It will be in his way when he comes tonight. My Sean will be in bed beside me.
She shrugs. Perhaps we dont know what really happened down here that night. What if the king tricked us?
