If I Die
Page 46
Uh-oh. I closed my eyes and swallowed the sick feeling creeping up from my stomach. Farrah, Lydia said your mother died. Was that after David started coming to your house?
Yeah. Doesnt matter, though, because she wasnt real. So she didnt really die. I wont, either.
Because youre not real?
Right. Youre going to die, though, she said, looking right into my eyes, and my chill bumps doubled in size.
How do you know that?
Farrah shrugged. Because youre real. Everything real dies.
Thoroughly creeped out, I stood and backed away from her bed, and Farrah went back to her book, like Id never been there at all. And for a moment, I envied her effortless ability to simply move on, like nothing shed heard mattered. At first, Id thought facing death would do that for me, but somehow, the less time I had left, the more there seemed to be to do. And it all mattered.
Nervous now, I crossed the room and opened the door enough to peek into the hall. It was empty. I glanced at my watch to see that nearly five minutes had passed. How long did it take to blink into the parking lot, then blink back? Was something wrong?
Tod would never leave me there. Not if he had any choice.
Five minutes later, Id gone through most of Farrahs stuff without learning anything new, and I had to get out of that room. Every passing second brought the next nurse check closer, and I could not be found at Lakeside, in the room of a missing resident.
Finally desperate, I took off my shoes and put on the plain white bathrobe Lydia had left behind. Then I pulled the ponytail holder from my hair and shook my head, leaving my hair down to half-hide my face, and knelt by Farrahs bed one last time.
Do you know Scott Carter? I asked, and she nodded.
Howum? Turns out theres no polite way to ask exactly how crazy someone is. How is he?
She looked up at me slowly, eyes wide, expression more coherent than Id seen from her so far. Hes real, but he doesnt know it. So dont tell him. He might not wanna know hes going to die.
That made two of us.
Thank you, Farrah. I stood and took one last look at her, wishing there was something I could do to help her. Then I sucked in a deep breath and stepped into the blessedly empty hallway.
Id gone four steps when a door opened at my back and soft-soled shoes squeaked on the floor. I didnt turn. Unless she got a good look at my face, whoever was behind me wouldnt know I didnt belong. I could have been any brunette mental patient in a bathrobea fact which unnerved me enough to make my hands shake. So I shoved them into Lydias pockets.
My heart pounded with every step, andwhen I stepped into the open common area at the center of the ward, agoraphobia crashed into me like a hit from Eastlakes defensive line. The light felt too bright and the tile floor seemed to go on forever. People milled around like living land mines I had to avoid, without looking like I was avoiding them.
When I passed the TV room, my fists unclenched in my pockets. When I passed the dining area, I exhaled slowly. But I didnt dare look up from my feet until Id passed the nurses station without triggering any alarms. And even then, I could still hear my pulse rush in my ears, each surge counting down the seconds until I might be caught.
I leaned against the wall next to the visitors bathroom and snuck several furtive glances around to make sure no one was watching me. No one was, but my luck wouldnt hold out forever, and Tod had yet to make an appearance. If I wanted to talk to Scott, I was on my own, at least until then. So in my head I began a countdown, starting with three, trying to slow my racing heartbeat with each number.
When I got to zero, I glanced up one more time, then stepped around the corner into the boys hall. Scotts room was open, and I could hear him talking, but I couldnt see him, or whoever he was talking to. In a sudden burst of courageor desperationI dashed across the hall and into his room, then eased the door shut and stood with my back against it, sagging with relief.
Whats she doing here? Scotts room was a single. He sat sideways in his desk chair, staring at me, and if I didnt already know where he was, I might have thought nothing was wrong with him. He wore his usual jeans and a T-shirt displaying the logo of some band Id never heard of. He looked the same, if a little thinner. And maybe he was a little paler than the last time Id seen himno more football practice in the sun.
But if not for the fact that he was in Lakeside and that he was talking to himselfor maybe to no oneI might have thought he wassane.
You see her? Scott said, still staring at me, but clearly talking to someone else. He looked confused, but not really surprised, and I wondered how often girls appeared in his room without explanation. Shes not real! He closed his eyes and punctuated the last word with a blow to the side of his own head, and I sucked in a sharp breath. If shes not real, but I see her, does that mean I belong here? Another self-inflicted punch, and I jumped, but didnt know what to do. No, no, no. Its not seeing things that makes you crazyits hearing things. So dont talk to me! he hissed, opening his eyes to glare at a spot near the right-hand wall.
Scott? I said, and his head swiveled so fast I was afraid hed hurt his neck.
Yeah. Doesnt matter, though, because she wasnt real. So she didnt really die. I wont, either.
Because youre not real?
Right. Youre going to die, though, she said, looking right into my eyes, and my chill bumps doubled in size.
How do you know that?
Farrah shrugged. Because youre real. Everything real dies.
Thoroughly creeped out, I stood and backed away from her bed, and Farrah went back to her book, like Id never been there at all. And for a moment, I envied her effortless ability to simply move on, like nothing shed heard mattered. At first, Id thought facing death would do that for me, but somehow, the less time I had left, the more there seemed to be to do. And it all mattered.
Nervous now, I crossed the room and opened the door enough to peek into the hall. It was empty. I glanced at my watch to see that nearly five minutes had passed. How long did it take to blink into the parking lot, then blink back? Was something wrong?
Tod would never leave me there. Not if he had any choice.
Five minutes later, Id gone through most of Farrahs stuff without learning anything new, and I had to get out of that room. Every passing second brought the next nurse check closer, and I could not be found at Lakeside, in the room of a missing resident.
Finally desperate, I took off my shoes and put on the plain white bathrobe Lydia had left behind. Then I pulled the ponytail holder from my hair and shook my head, leaving my hair down to half-hide my face, and knelt by Farrahs bed one last time.
Do you know Scott Carter? I asked, and she nodded.
Howum? Turns out theres no polite way to ask exactly how crazy someone is. How is he?
She looked up at me slowly, eyes wide, expression more coherent than Id seen from her so far. Hes real, but he doesnt know it. So dont tell him. He might not wanna know hes going to die.
That made two of us.
Thank you, Farrah. I stood and took one last look at her, wishing there was something I could do to help her. Then I sucked in a deep breath and stepped into the blessedly empty hallway.
Id gone four steps when a door opened at my back and soft-soled shoes squeaked on the floor. I didnt turn. Unless she got a good look at my face, whoever was behind me wouldnt know I didnt belong. I could have been any brunette mental patient in a bathrobea fact which unnerved me enough to make my hands shake. So I shoved them into Lydias pockets.
My heart pounded with every step, andwhen I stepped into the open common area at the center of the ward, agoraphobia crashed into me like a hit from Eastlakes defensive line. The light felt too bright and the tile floor seemed to go on forever. People milled around like living land mines I had to avoid, without looking like I was avoiding them.
When I passed the TV room, my fists unclenched in my pockets. When I passed the dining area, I exhaled slowly. But I didnt dare look up from my feet until Id passed the nurses station without triggering any alarms. And even then, I could still hear my pulse rush in my ears, each surge counting down the seconds until I might be caught.
I leaned against the wall next to the visitors bathroom and snuck several furtive glances around to make sure no one was watching me. No one was, but my luck wouldnt hold out forever, and Tod had yet to make an appearance. If I wanted to talk to Scott, I was on my own, at least until then. So in my head I began a countdown, starting with three, trying to slow my racing heartbeat with each number.
When I got to zero, I glanced up one more time, then stepped around the corner into the boys hall. Scotts room was open, and I could hear him talking, but I couldnt see him, or whoever he was talking to. In a sudden burst of courageor desperationI dashed across the hall and into his room, then eased the door shut and stood with my back against it, sagging with relief.
Whats she doing here? Scotts room was a single. He sat sideways in his desk chair, staring at me, and if I didnt already know where he was, I might have thought nothing was wrong with him. He wore his usual jeans and a T-shirt displaying the logo of some band Id never heard of. He looked the same, if a little thinner. And maybe he was a little paler than the last time Id seen himno more football practice in the sun.
But if not for the fact that he was in Lakeside and that he was talking to himselfor maybe to no oneI might have thought he wassane.
You see her? Scott said, still staring at me, but clearly talking to someone else. He looked confused, but not really surprised, and I wondered how often girls appeared in his room without explanation. Shes not real! He closed his eyes and punctuated the last word with a blow to the side of his own head, and I sucked in a sharp breath. If shes not real, but I see her, does that mean I belong here? Another self-inflicted punch, and I jumped, but didnt know what to do. No, no, no. Its not seeing things that makes you crazyits hearing things. So dont talk to me! he hissed, opening his eyes to glare at a spot near the right-hand wall.
Scott? I said, and his head swiveled so fast I was afraid hed hurt his neck.
