If I Die
Page 61
Oh, hell, let him have her! Sabine said, and several of the Mathletes laughed, but Nash and Tod didnt even look up.
Nash, listen to me, I said, fighting for his full attention. Im so sorry. But your happiness doesnt depend on me. It shouldnt, anyway. It couldnt, because no matter how this little disaster ended, hed be without me forever in two days. And I really needed to know that he could handle that.
He frowned down at me from inches away. What does that mean? Is this what you want? he demanded, gesturing behind me at Tod. You want him?
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. What did I want? Did what I wanted even matter, with so little time left in which to want it?
You call it, Kaylee, Nash demanded, when I didntwhen I couldntanswer. Me or him?
Tears burned in my eyes, and I could barely see past them. Everyone was watching me. Waiting. Listening. And most of them had no idea that no matter what I decided, it would all be over in two days. Which was why Id tried so hard to make sure Nash would be okay. Because wed been through a lot together, and I did care about him.
But wasnt it a little easier than Id expected, thinking of him and Sabine together after my death? Didnt it mean something that I kept forgetting about him when I was with Tod? And that I was embarrassed, but not really disappointed every time sex with him failed to happen?
Had Nash and I ever really gotten back what wed had in the beginning, or had I just held on to him out of habit? Or some misplaced sense of loyalty?
My voice came out thick and half-choked from holding back sobs. Im so sorry, Nash, I said, hyperaware that there were at least a dozen people watching us, which meant there would be at least that many versions of this making the rounds the next day.
Nash blinked, surprised and hurt, and I realized I hadnt said what hed expected to hear. Then defensive anger took over, and his irises churned with it as he turned on Tod. You suck as a brother. Stay away from me, or Ill kick your ass into the next life myself.
Tod exhaled slowly. Nash, wait. I know you dont believe me, but this isnt what I wanted. Not like this.
Whatever. This was inevitable, right? What difference does two more days make? Nash said, and Sabine gave me a satisfied, almost respectful nod, like Id orchestrated the whole thing just to please her. After all, shed gotten what she wantednow shed be competing with the memory of a cheating ex instead of a tragically lost love. Nash glanced angrily at the crowd of spectators, then back at me and Tod. Have a nice lifewhat little you have left. Then he turned and stomped off with Sabine at his side.
Kaylee, Im so sorry, Tod said when they were gone, but his gaze kept flicking from face to face, and I realized he was uncomfortable being visible to this many people at once. He probablyhadnt felt so exposed since the day hed died.
Its my fault. I blinked back unspent tears and glared at the onlookers, daring them to comment. Dont you guys have something to calculate?
Rebuked, the Mathletes wandered back to their club meeting, already discussing what theyd seen, and most of the solitary onlookers faked disinterest by digging in their lockers or loitering at the water fountain.
I have to check on Emma, I whispered, trying to ignore the stragglers. And you should probably go.
Can I come by later? To talk? Tod asked.
Yeah. Thatd begood. I understood that what hed done to Thane wouldnt change the bottom line for meI was still going to die. But I was convinced that this would change at least a few of the smaller details, like who my reaper would be, now that the chosen one was presumably out of the picture. And who knows, Tod might have even changed the location and timeline by a little bit.
Okay. Ill see you later. His arms hovered at his sides, like he wasnt sure whether we should part with a hug or a hand shake. Or nothing at all.
But if there was a protocol for how to say goodbye to your newly ex-boyfriends dead brother, right after you kissed him and probably sent your ex into the arms of his willing ex-girlfriend, I didnt know what it was.
This isnt one of the things they train reapers to handle, Tod whispered in acknowledgment of the awkward circumstances, and I laughed in spite of eyes still damp from tears. But the last notes of my laughter sounded hollow.
Id ruined everything.
Later, then, Tod said, and I laid one hand on his arm before he could disappear out of habit.
Walk this time, I whispered, with a pointed glance at the sophomore watching us around her open locker door. Youre visible.
Oh, yeah. He winked and took several steps backward, then shoved his hands into his pockets and spun on one heel.
When he turned the cornerwithout looking backI took a deep breath and mentally shoved the drama to the back of my mind, where it would no doubt fester until I had time to truly deal with it. Then I picked up the chemistry gear and started down the math hall, pointedly ignoring the stragglers. Mr. Becks door was closed, which meant he and Emma either hadnt heard the spectacle or didnt care enough to check it out.
Either way, something was wrong.
I dropped the gloves and glasses and grabbed my book bagstill lying by the door, where Id left itthen backed up several steps and walked past the classroom, glancing through the window at just the right moment. Emma still sat in the teachers chair, but now Beck sat on the edge of his own desk, and they werent even pretending to do math anymore. Hed gotten bold and careless. Had losing Danicas baby made him that desperate?
Nash, listen to me, I said, fighting for his full attention. Im so sorry. But your happiness doesnt depend on me. It shouldnt, anyway. It couldnt, because no matter how this little disaster ended, hed be without me forever in two days. And I really needed to know that he could handle that.
He frowned down at me from inches away. What does that mean? Is this what you want? he demanded, gesturing behind me at Tod. You want him?
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. What did I want? Did what I wanted even matter, with so little time left in which to want it?
You call it, Kaylee, Nash demanded, when I didntwhen I couldntanswer. Me or him?
Tears burned in my eyes, and I could barely see past them. Everyone was watching me. Waiting. Listening. And most of them had no idea that no matter what I decided, it would all be over in two days. Which was why Id tried so hard to make sure Nash would be okay. Because wed been through a lot together, and I did care about him.
But wasnt it a little easier than Id expected, thinking of him and Sabine together after my death? Didnt it mean something that I kept forgetting about him when I was with Tod? And that I was embarrassed, but not really disappointed every time sex with him failed to happen?
Had Nash and I ever really gotten back what wed had in the beginning, or had I just held on to him out of habit? Or some misplaced sense of loyalty?
My voice came out thick and half-choked from holding back sobs. Im so sorry, Nash, I said, hyperaware that there were at least a dozen people watching us, which meant there would be at least that many versions of this making the rounds the next day.
Nash blinked, surprised and hurt, and I realized I hadnt said what hed expected to hear. Then defensive anger took over, and his irises churned with it as he turned on Tod. You suck as a brother. Stay away from me, or Ill kick your ass into the next life myself.
Tod exhaled slowly. Nash, wait. I know you dont believe me, but this isnt what I wanted. Not like this.
Whatever. This was inevitable, right? What difference does two more days make? Nash said, and Sabine gave me a satisfied, almost respectful nod, like Id orchestrated the whole thing just to please her. After all, shed gotten what she wantednow shed be competing with the memory of a cheating ex instead of a tragically lost love. Nash glanced angrily at the crowd of spectators, then back at me and Tod. Have a nice lifewhat little you have left. Then he turned and stomped off with Sabine at his side.
Kaylee, Im so sorry, Tod said when they were gone, but his gaze kept flicking from face to face, and I realized he was uncomfortable being visible to this many people at once. He probablyhadnt felt so exposed since the day hed died.
Its my fault. I blinked back unspent tears and glared at the onlookers, daring them to comment. Dont you guys have something to calculate?
Rebuked, the Mathletes wandered back to their club meeting, already discussing what theyd seen, and most of the solitary onlookers faked disinterest by digging in their lockers or loitering at the water fountain.
I have to check on Emma, I whispered, trying to ignore the stragglers. And you should probably go.
Can I come by later? To talk? Tod asked.
Yeah. Thatd begood. I understood that what hed done to Thane wouldnt change the bottom line for meI was still going to die. But I was convinced that this would change at least a few of the smaller details, like who my reaper would be, now that the chosen one was presumably out of the picture. And who knows, Tod might have even changed the location and timeline by a little bit.
Okay. Ill see you later. His arms hovered at his sides, like he wasnt sure whether we should part with a hug or a hand shake. Or nothing at all.
But if there was a protocol for how to say goodbye to your newly ex-boyfriends dead brother, right after you kissed him and probably sent your ex into the arms of his willing ex-girlfriend, I didnt know what it was.
This isnt one of the things they train reapers to handle, Tod whispered in acknowledgment of the awkward circumstances, and I laughed in spite of eyes still damp from tears. But the last notes of my laughter sounded hollow.
Id ruined everything.
Later, then, Tod said, and I laid one hand on his arm before he could disappear out of habit.
Walk this time, I whispered, with a pointed glance at the sophomore watching us around her open locker door. Youre visible.
Oh, yeah. He winked and took several steps backward, then shoved his hands into his pockets and spun on one heel.
When he turned the cornerwithout looking backI took a deep breath and mentally shoved the drama to the back of my mind, where it would no doubt fester until I had time to truly deal with it. Then I picked up the chemistry gear and started down the math hall, pointedly ignoring the stragglers. Mr. Becks door was closed, which meant he and Emma either hadnt heard the spectacle or didnt care enough to check it out.
Either way, something was wrong.
I dropped the gloves and glasses and grabbed my book bagstill lying by the door, where Id left itthen backed up several steps and walked past the classroom, glancing through the window at just the right moment. Emma still sat in the teachers chair, but now Beck sat on the edge of his own desk, and they werent even pretending to do math anymore. Hed gotten bold and careless. Had losing Danicas baby made him that desperate?
