If I Die
Page 68
Im not supposed to have a life, or a future beyond helping preserve the balance between life and death. My humanity is supposed to fade. They want us that way. Empty, so its easier to take life, day after day. Sometimes it becomes too easy, and reapers get bored. Desperate for somethinganythingto break up the monotony.
He was talking about Thane; I understood that much. I was Thanes entertainmenthis break from monotony.
Thats not supposed to happen, but neither is this.
This was me. I wasnt supposed to happen to Tod. My next breath burned in my throat, and he shifted onto one foot staring down at me like he wanted to sit, but couldnt let himself get comfortable until hed said what he had to say.
They were starting to get what they wanted from me. I stayed close to my mom and Nash, and that worked for a while, but it wasnt enough. Only two years dead, and it was getting harder for me to feelanything. I was starting to slip into the darkness. The numbness. And the worst part is that it wasnt even scary. I was losing myself, and I didnt even care.
Then I met you, and at first I didnt understand what had happened. What had changed. All I knew was that I wanted to be near you. Then you helped me with Addison, even though it nearly got you killedI nearly got you killedand I started to understand how special you are. But by then, you were getting serious with Nash. With my brotherone of few people in the whole world I still gave a damn about. So I tried to stay away. I tried so hard. His voice cracked on the last word, and my heart cracked with it. Tears stood in my eyes, but I was afraid to let them fall. I was afraid to even breathe for fear of missing a single word.
But you kept pulling me back. Youre the brightest thing Ive ever seen, Kaylee. Youre this beautiful ball of fire spitting sparks out at the world, burning fiercely, holding back the dark by sheer will. And I always knew that if I reached outif I tried to touch youId get burned. Because youre not mine. Im not supposed to feel the fire. Im not supposed to want it. But I do. I want you, Kaylee, like Ive never wanted anything. Ever. I want the fire. I want the heat, and the light, and I want the burn. But
He left that word hanging. The most hated word in the English language. And I knew what was supposed to follow it.
But Nash I finished for him, and my tears fell in scorching trails down my cheeks.
Tod nodded miserably. Hes my brother. He can hate me his entire life, but that wont change the fact that hes my little brother, and Im supposed to protect him, not hurt him.
And we hurt him. I couldnt get Nashs face out of my mind, how betrayedhed looked standing in the hall. When he saw us.
Yeah. We did.
Why? I started, then had to suck in a deep breath to continue. To control the heartbroken, angry tears that wanted to flow again. I stood and turned away from him while I wiped my face, and my frustration built. Why did you say Nash and I arent right for each other, if you didnt want to hurt him? I demanded, turning on him again. Why the hell would you show me that if it wasnt going to lead to anything?
Because its true. Even if you were both scheduled to live forever, eventually he would have messed up again and hurt you. Or you would have broken his heart. But I wont deny that I had selfish reasons for saying it, even though it was the truth.
So you wanted us to break up.
Hell yes, I wanted you to break up, he said, and for one horrible, wonderful moment, relief almost overwhelmed my guilt. But I didnt want to be the catalyst. I wanted you to realize he was wrong for you, then realize that I might not be. Im so sorry it all came out of order, and if I could undo what he saw and go back and do this the right way, I would. Hes my brother.
I sniffled back more tears and sank onto my comforter again. So, youre here to let me down easy? This was the part that would kill me, two days early. I could feel it.
No, he said, and I looked up, sure Id heard him wrong, or I was missing something. Im here because I couldnt stay away from you. Ill spend the next three hundred years trying to make this up to Nash, if thats what it takes. But Im going to spend the next two days with you. If you want my company.
My next breath was so shallow I hardly had the air to speak. I want that so, so much.
Tod sank into my desk chair and a slow, relieved smile formed on his face. I was sure that after all that, youd decide this was too much trouble.
This?
Us, he clarified, rolling the chair closer to the bed, one foot at a time.
I scooted toward the edge of the mattress to meet him, my pulse rushing so fast just breathing felt surreal. Theres an us?
As far as Im concerned He leaned forward, his mouth inches from mine, and my pulse spiked. Theres nothing but us. His lips met mine, and he kissed me slowly, deeply, like we had all the time in the world. And in that moment, thats exactly what it felt like.
When I finally pulled back to catch my breath, my head was spinning. Or maybe the whole damn room was spinning. I think that was even better than the first time, I whispered.
He was talking about Thane; I understood that much. I was Thanes entertainmenthis break from monotony.
Thats not supposed to happen, but neither is this.
This was me. I wasnt supposed to happen to Tod. My next breath burned in my throat, and he shifted onto one foot staring down at me like he wanted to sit, but couldnt let himself get comfortable until hed said what he had to say.
They were starting to get what they wanted from me. I stayed close to my mom and Nash, and that worked for a while, but it wasnt enough. Only two years dead, and it was getting harder for me to feelanything. I was starting to slip into the darkness. The numbness. And the worst part is that it wasnt even scary. I was losing myself, and I didnt even care.
Then I met you, and at first I didnt understand what had happened. What had changed. All I knew was that I wanted to be near you. Then you helped me with Addison, even though it nearly got you killedI nearly got you killedand I started to understand how special you are. But by then, you were getting serious with Nash. With my brotherone of few people in the whole world I still gave a damn about. So I tried to stay away. I tried so hard. His voice cracked on the last word, and my heart cracked with it. Tears stood in my eyes, but I was afraid to let them fall. I was afraid to even breathe for fear of missing a single word.
But you kept pulling me back. Youre the brightest thing Ive ever seen, Kaylee. Youre this beautiful ball of fire spitting sparks out at the world, burning fiercely, holding back the dark by sheer will. And I always knew that if I reached outif I tried to touch youId get burned. Because youre not mine. Im not supposed to feel the fire. Im not supposed to want it. But I do. I want you, Kaylee, like Ive never wanted anything. Ever. I want the fire. I want the heat, and the light, and I want the burn. But
He left that word hanging. The most hated word in the English language. And I knew what was supposed to follow it.
But Nash I finished for him, and my tears fell in scorching trails down my cheeks.
Tod nodded miserably. Hes my brother. He can hate me his entire life, but that wont change the fact that hes my little brother, and Im supposed to protect him, not hurt him.
And we hurt him. I couldnt get Nashs face out of my mind, how betrayedhed looked standing in the hall. When he saw us.
Yeah. We did.
Why? I started, then had to suck in a deep breath to continue. To control the heartbroken, angry tears that wanted to flow again. I stood and turned away from him while I wiped my face, and my frustration built. Why did you say Nash and I arent right for each other, if you didnt want to hurt him? I demanded, turning on him again. Why the hell would you show me that if it wasnt going to lead to anything?
Because its true. Even if you were both scheduled to live forever, eventually he would have messed up again and hurt you. Or you would have broken his heart. But I wont deny that I had selfish reasons for saying it, even though it was the truth.
So you wanted us to break up.
Hell yes, I wanted you to break up, he said, and for one horrible, wonderful moment, relief almost overwhelmed my guilt. But I didnt want to be the catalyst. I wanted you to realize he was wrong for you, then realize that I might not be. Im so sorry it all came out of order, and if I could undo what he saw and go back and do this the right way, I would. Hes my brother.
I sniffled back more tears and sank onto my comforter again. So, youre here to let me down easy? This was the part that would kill me, two days early. I could feel it.
No, he said, and I looked up, sure Id heard him wrong, or I was missing something. Im here because I couldnt stay away from you. Ill spend the next three hundred years trying to make this up to Nash, if thats what it takes. But Im going to spend the next two days with you. If you want my company.
My next breath was so shallow I hardly had the air to speak. I want that so, so much.
Tod sank into my desk chair and a slow, relieved smile formed on his face. I was sure that after all that, youd decide this was too much trouble.
This?
Us, he clarified, rolling the chair closer to the bed, one foot at a time.
I scooted toward the edge of the mattress to meet him, my pulse rushing so fast just breathing felt surreal. Theres an us?
As far as Im concerned He leaned forward, his mouth inches from mine, and my pulse spiked. Theres nothing but us. His lips met mine, and he kissed me slowly, deeply, like we had all the time in the world. And in that moment, thats exactly what it felt like.
When I finally pulled back to catch my breath, my head was spinning. Or maybe the whole damn room was spinning. I think that was even better than the first time, I whispered.
