If I Die
Page 90
Did she tell you why I called her on Sunday? I asked, sitting up so I could see his face. Right before she called and told you to interrupt me and Nash? When Id asked her for advice about sex
Tods irises swirled in a twist of amusement, and I wanted to cover my face with both hands. Theres no shame in learning from the voice of experience, he said.
Aggghhh! I snatched a couch pillow and screamed into it, venting embarrassment, and only stopped when Tod pulled the pillow from my grasp, still smiling.
Kay, I thought it was cute. He frowned, then rephrased. Well, now I think its cute. At the timenot so much.
Its not cute! I snapped, considering pulling the throw blanket over my head. Its humiliating.
Youre cute when youre humiliated.
Im glad you think so. I ran my hands through my hair to smooth it after the pillow incident. That seems to be my perpetual state.
Yeah, well, thats better than my perpetual state of not-really-alive, right?
I dont know, from where Im sitting, facing actual death, dead-but-still-here looks pretty good.
Well, its not, Tod said, and I was surprised by his sharp tone. Being with you today was beyond amazing. But it doesnt accurately reflect the rest of my afterlife. Being alone in a crowd with you is one thing. But being alone for the rest of eternity? He shook his head slowly. You dont want this, Kaylee. I dont want this for you. And neither would your dad.
Except that I wouldnt be alone, if I were a reaper, and neither would Tod. Wed be together. But Dont worry. I dont qualify, right? Because I was actually scheduled to die. The reapers wont even be looking at me. Except for Tod, and whoever they sent for my soul. Im actually going to die.
Tod started to respondprobably ready to convince me that true death was a mercybut then his phone rang from his pocket, cutting off whatever hed been about to say. Its Sabine, he said, glancing at the display. Shit.
An uneasy feeling settled into my stomach, worry for him amplifying my guilt.
Go ahead, I said, when he looked unsure about answering. She wouldnt call if she didnt need something.
Tod flipped open his phone, and though I only heard his half of the conversation, the gist of it was clear. Nash had become too much for her to handle, at least for the moment. Okay, Ill be right there. The reaper hung up and met my gaze, irritation swirling slowly in his. His temperature keeps dropping and hecant keep anything down. They need me to go get my mom. Because he could blink her home from work faster than she could drive.
Isnt that a little severe? Hes only been sober for, like twelve hours.
The relapse seems to be hitting him harder than the original addiction. That could mean hes using a different source this timenot Avarior that hes taking a stronger dose. Or that his bodys less able to fight the physical backlash this time because none of this is new anymore.
The possibilities did nothing to lessen my fear for him, settling onto me like a physical weight. This was my fault, even if I hadnt popped a balloon in his face this time.
I have to go, Tod said, and my hand tightened around his involuntarily while my heart thudded in my ear.
I know. Its fine. But it wasnt. Not really. It was almost midnight. Almost Thursday. Almost the day of my death. My dad wasnt back yet, my cousin and best friend were sleeping peacefully without the crippling fear I couldnt shake free from, and death was looming over my shoulder, lurking in every shadow I glanced at, every panicked beat of my heart. Nash needs you. I knew that. But letting go of Tods hand was the hardest thing Id ever had to do.
Im so sorry, Kaylee. Ill be back as soon as I can, he promised, confliction stirring the blue depths of his eyes, like a storm over the ocean.
I nodded mutely. It meant a lot to me that he didnt smile and try to pretend like everything was okay. Everything was almost over, and every breath I took brought that reality closer. Soon, Id take a breath and it would turn out to be my last. And the world wouldnt care.
Okay, then, Ill be back as soon as I can talk someone into taking my shift. He leaned in for a goodbye kiss, and I held him with one hand behind his head when he tried to pull away, determined to make this kiss last a while, in case it was my last. Because over his shoulder the microwave clock taunted me from the kitchen, blinking 12:04 over and over.
Thursday had come.
Today I would die.
With Tod gone, I curled up under the blanket, only half watching the movie while Emma slept beside me on two of the couch cushions, Styx snoring softly in the crook of her arm. In spite of my determination not to waste any of my last day, I was starting to nod off when Ems phone buzzed on the coffee table. She had a text.
I picked it up, debating waking her, and read the message on the screen, from her sister, Traci.
Got dumped. Need sugar. Where r u?
Crap. Traci was home alone. Shed probably be finesurely Beck had come and gone hours agobut I wasnt willing to take a chance with Ems sister.
Tods irises swirled in a twist of amusement, and I wanted to cover my face with both hands. Theres no shame in learning from the voice of experience, he said.
Aggghhh! I snatched a couch pillow and screamed into it, venting embarrassment, and only stopped when Tod pulled the pillow from my grasp, still smiling.
Kay, I thought it was cute. He frowned, then rephrased. Well, now I think its cute. At the timenot so much.
Its not cute! I snapped, considering pulling the throw blanket over my head. Its humiliating.
Youre cute when youre humiliated.
Im glad you think so. I ran my hands through my hair to smooth it after the pillow incident. That seems to be my perpetual state.
Yeah, well, thats better than my perpetual state of not-really-alive, right?
I dont know, from where Im sitting, facing actual death, dead-but-still-here looks pretty good.
Well, its not, Tod said, and I was surprised by his sharp tone. Being with you today was beyond amazing. But it doesnt accurately reflect the rest of my afterlife. Being alone in a crowd with you is one thing. But being alone for the rest of eternity? He shook his head slowly. You dont want this, Kaylee. I dont want this for you. And neither would your dad.
Except that I wouldnt be alone, if I were a reaper, and neither would Tod. Wed be together. But Dont worry. I dont qualify, right? Because I was actually scheduled to die. The reapers wont even be looking at me. Except for Tod, and whoever they sent for my soul. Im actually going to die.
Tod started to respondprobably ready to convince me that true death was a mercybut then his phone rang from his pocket, cutting off whatever hed been about to say. Its Sabine, he said, glancing at the display. Shit.
An uneasy feeling settled into my stomach, worry for him amplifying my guilt.
Go ahead, I said, when he looked unsure about answering. She wouldnt call if she didnt need something.
Tod flipped open his phone, and though I only heard his half of the conversation, the gist of it was clear. Nash had become too much for her to handle, at least for the moment. Okay, Ill be right there. The reaper hung up and met my gaze, irritation swirling slowly in his. His temperature keeps dropping and hecant keep anything down. They need me to go get my mom. Because he could blink her home from work faster than she could drive.
Isnt that a little severe? Hes only been sober for, like twelve hours.
The relapse seems to be hitting him harder than the original addiction. That could mean hes using a different source this timenot Avarior that hes taking a stronger dose. Or that his bodys less able to fight the physical backlash this time because none of this is new anymore.
The possibilities did nothing to lessen my fear for him, settling onto me like a physical weight. This was my fault, even if I hadnt popped a balloon in his face this time.
I have to go, Tod said, and my hand tightened around his involuntarily while my heart thudded in my ear.
I know. Its fine. But it wasnt. Not really. It was almost midnight. Almost Thursday. Almost the day of my death. My dad wasnt back yet, my cousin and best friend were sleeping peacefully without the crippling fear I couldnt shake free from, and death was looming over my shoulder, lurking in every shadow I glanced at, every panicked beat of my heart. Nash needs you. I knew that. But letting go of Tods hand was the hardest thing Id ever had to do.
Im so sorry, Kaylee. Ill be back as soon as I can, he promised, confliction stirring the blue depths of his eyes, like a storm over the ocean.
I nodded mutely. It meant a lot to me that he didnt smile and try to pretend like everything was okay. Everything was almost over, and every breath I took brought that reality closer. Soon, Id take a breath and it would turn out to be my last. And the world wouldnt care.
Okay, then, Ill be back as soon as I can talk someone into taking my shift. He leaned in for a goodbye kiss, and I held him with one hand behind his head when he tried to pull away, determined to make this kiss last a while, in case it was my last. Because over his shoulder the microwave clock taunted me from the kitchen, blinking 12:04 over and over.
Thursday had come.
Today I would die.
With Tod gone, I curled up under the blanket, only half watching the movie while Emma slept beside me on two of the couch cushions, Styx snoring softly in the crook of her arm. In spite of my determination not to waste any of my last day, I was starting to nod off when Ems phone buzzed on the coffee table. She had a text.
I picked it up, debating waking her, and read the message on the screen, from her sister, Traci.
Got dumped. Need sugar. Where r u?
Crap. Traci was home alone. Shed probably be finesurely Beck had come and gone hours agobut I wasnt willing to take a chance with Ems sister.
