If Only
Page 70
“Can you tell me what happened?” Gabi wrapped a warm hand around Sally’s.
“It’s not their fault. It’s mine.” She stared down at their joined hands. “I just wasn’t—”Ready. Prepared to break up. “Vance told me to go home with Dan and that they’d send my stuff. Not to go back to their house.” Not to go where she’d been so happy.
“That limp-dicked, slimeballed, fucking feckless FBI fart,” Rainie growled. “Get the noose.”
Gabi’s frown silenced the trainee. “Why, Sally?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know!” Realizing she’d shouted, Sally covered her mouth with a shaking hand. “I do know,” she whispered, grief filling her chest. “I wanted to— I made them late for work. People died.” Remorseful tears spilled over, turning the room to a wavering darkness. “But Gabi, they said they loved me. They did.”
Her breath hitched, and all she wanted was to crawl into a corner and cry and cry and cry. I tried to be good. I tried so hard.
“Huh. Sally, I know them—and can’t imagine them using the ‘love’ word if they didn’t mean it. Can you?”
Sally shook her head.
With a low humph, Rainie dropped into a leather chair on the other side of the coffee table. Jessica moved back beside her, resting a hip on the chair arm.
“Good, you’re here,” Kari said to Gabi as she walked into the area, holding a tray.
Sally pulled in a slow breath—get it together—and realized what Kari had said. “You called them?”
“Of course. They were just upstairs having a chat.”
No schoolteacher should be that sneaky.
Kari gave her a concerned smile and set the tray on the table. “I brought drinks for everyone, but no drinking if you’re planning to play later, okay?” She picked up a heavy mug and handed it to Sally. “Even from the bar, I could see you shaking. You get hot chocolate.”
Something warm would be good. Icy slush seemed to have replaced her blood. But she’d almost rather have a serious drink. Or a bottle. “Thank you.” Sally gulped down some of the hot chocolate and gasped as the liquid hit her stomach with far more potency than just milk. “What did you put in that?”
“Andrea wanted to come help, but Cullen said he needed her at the bar, so she mixed the cocoa with Baileys and Frangelico instead of water and said to consider that your hug.”
“She’s so sweet.” Almost tearing up again, Sally determinedly sipped. All alcohol, the drink heated her insides quickly.
Friends and alcohol and chocolate—FAC—the ultimate postdisaster support system for women.
Kari handed out the rest of the glasses and took one for herself.
Time to change the subject. Sally said, “You never told me if you got spanked for drinking at my graduation reception. Did you?”
The others giggled…until Kari’s mouth turned down. “No. I didn’t. He hasn’t—” She sighed. “Sex is okay, but I miss the D/s stuff. It’s like… I guess he doesn’t want me that way anymore.” She shrugged. “But it is what it is.”
As everyone stared at her, Kari took a hefty swallow of her drink. “Zane is staying with my mother tonight, so I can get drunk if I want to.”
“That sucks,” Gabi muttered. “If I get drunk and mouthy, Marcus knows I’m craving a fake fight and punishment. I get spanked.”
Sally knew Gabi would never deliberately disappoint her Dom. But Master Marcus enjoyed that she provided him with reasons to tan her ass. Of course, being a Dom, he didn’t need any excuse other than he wanted to, but punishment role-playing was just plain fun.
Sally managed to smile, even as grief threatened again. She and Vance and Galen had barely begun to develop those unspoken agreements. She shook her head to dislodge the thought and studied Kari. She’d been sick and exhausted for months after having Zane, but not anymore. And Zane must be around eight months old.
It would be nice to have a baby someday. Sally had wondered once or twice if Galen and Vance wanted children.
Guess I don’t have to worry about that.
She’d worry about Kari instead. Starting now. Sally turned to Gabi. “Can I stay with you tonight? I think Kari needs to smack Dan upside the head while Zane’s not around to watch.”
“What?” Kari’s drink stopped halfway to her lips.
Gabi simply smiled. “I totally agree. A good smacking is indicated, and yes, you’ll come home with me tonight.”
At Gabi’s instant agreement, Sally felt the wetness on her cheeks. Jeez. “Thanks.” She tried to furtively wipe her eyes and froze at the sight of a giant in leathers stalking toward their sitting area. Oh shit.
Silently, his submissive, Andrea, followed him into the group.
Master Cullen stared down at Sally. “Did you think you could hide in a corner and cry?” he asked without a hint of his usual good humor.
Unable to speak, she shook her head and stared at her feet.
He dropped to a knee in front of her. “Look at me, love,” he said, a hand on her cheek turning her face back to his. As his perceptive green eyes studied her, anger harshened his features. “Are those Feds the reason you’re crying?”
God, she didn’t want to set one Master against another. “No. I’m just having a bad day. I’m not at all—”
“You’re not at all a good liar.” Cullen shook his head. “Were they annoyed at what you did to Mistress Anne?”
“No. They don’t know.” Don’t need to know now. “Master Cullen, please. This isn’t necessary.”
“But she is crying because of the Feds,” Rainie volunteered. “They dumped her. Fuck, the assholes just told her they’d send her stuff and not to come back. Over the phone no less.”
Sally scowled at her way-too-helpful friend.
Cullen’s face darkened with rage.
No no no. Holding up a hand, Sally stammered out, “It’s my fault, all my fault. I screwed up. Don’t—”
Andrea stepped up beside Cullen, her eyes sparkling with wrath. “Cabrónes. Hijos de puta.” She touched Cullen’s hand, which had formed a fist, and actually nodded approval. “Sí, Señor, wipe the pavement with them.”
A grin broke over his face. “You’re definitely the woman I love.” He gave Andrea a quick kiss. “Find Jake and give him the bar, and if I’m not back before you’re ready to leave, text me.”
When he headed for the door with a determined stride, Sally stared after him. “He wouldn’t—”
“But yes. He will leave their bones scattered in the street for the dogs to chew.”
Sally’s mouth dropped open. Andrea really was a match for Master Cullen.
Andrea gave her a hug. “It will get better. Now I must do as Señor said.”
As her friend headed back to the bar, Sally realized everyone was looking at her again.
“So, I want to go over this a bit more,” Gabi said.
Jessica nodded. “I’m missing the logic too. They threw you out of the house because you made them late for work?”
“I wanted…” She wanted to hide under the couch rather than admit to her selfishness. With a sigh, she pushed her hair out of her face. She should own up to what she’d done. “They’d been so depressed, and I wanted to make them feel better.” Her eyes filled again. “I didn’t mean to make it all about me.” But she had.
“Go on.” Rainie prompted, “You jumped them in bed? Or forced them to endure blowjobs? Or cooked them an extra-big breakfast?”
“Last night, I attacked them with a water gun and started a fight.” Her lips curved for a second before quivering again.
“They were angry?” Gabi asked softly.
“I’ve never heard Galen laugh so hard.” Sally looked at her hands. “And yeah, there was sex.”
“So this morning, you pulled them back in bed and started to cry because you wanted more sex?” Jessica asked.
“No!” Sally shook her head. “I’d never do that. We just slept too late, and, well, Galen decided he needed…and Vance agreed.”
Rainie snickered. “I can guess how that ended. But sounds like they made themselves late. You didn’t.”
“But I did. It’s my fault. I asked…” Sally stopped, playing the morning back in her memory. “No. No, I didn’t. I didn’t whine. Or beg. Or even ask them not to go.” Relief was like an upwelling of clear water, so clear she could almost see to the bottom of her idiocy. “But still, they were late to work. They weren’t there, and people died.”
Kari was frowning. “Are you blaming yourself for those cops who died? Jeez, Sally, they died in New York. Yesterday evening. Galen and Vance couldn’t have prevented that.”
“New York?” Sally slumped back. “I…don’t get it. And the woman?”
“A forest in New York state. A couple of days ago. Someone saw a cabin burning, but the fire department was too late.”
The fire department? She closed her mouth. None of it was her fault.
“It’s not their fault. It’s mine.” She stared down at their joined hands. “I just wasn’t—”Ready. Prepared to break up. “Vance told me to go home with Dan and that they’d send my stuff. Not to go back to their house.” Not to go where she’d been so happy.
“That limp-dicked, slimeballed, fucking feckless FBI fart,” Rainie growled. “Get the noose.”
Gabi’s frown silenced the trainee. “Why, Sally?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know!” Realizing she’d shouted, Sally covered her mouth with a shaking hand. “I do know,” she whispered, grief filling her chest. “I wanted to— I made them late for work. People died.” Remorseful tears spilled over, turning the room to a wavering darkness. “But Gabi, they said they loved me. They did.”
Her breath hitched, and all she wanted was to crawl into a corner and cry and cry and cry. I tried to be good. I tried so hard.
“Huh. Sally, I know them—and can’t imagine them using the ‘love’ word if they didn’t mean it. Can you?”
Sally shook her head.
With a low humph, Rainie dropped into a leather chair on the other side of the coffee table. Jessica moved back beside her, resting a hip on the chair arm.
“Good, you’re here,” Kari said to Gabi as she walked into the area, holding a tray.
Sally pulled in a slow breath—get it together—and realized what Kari had said. “You called them?”
“Of course. They were just upstairs having a chat.”
No schoolteacher should be that sneaky.
Kari gave her a concerned smile and set the tray on the table. “I brought drinks for everyone, but no drinking if you’re planning to play later, okay?” She picked up a heavy mug and handed it to Sally. “Even from the bar, I could see you shaking. You get hot chocolate.”
Something warm would be good. Icy slush seemed to have replaced her blood. But she’d almost rather have a serious drink. Or a bottle. “Thank you.” Sally gulped down some of the hot chocolate and gasped as the liquid hit her stomach with far more potency than just milk. “What did you put in that?”
“Andrea wanted to come help, but Cullen said he needed her at the bar, so she mixed the cocoa with Baileys and Frangelico instead of water and said to consider that your hug.”
“She’s so sweet.” Almost tearing up again, Sally determinedly sipped. All alcohol, the drink heated her insides quickly.
Friends and alcohol and chocolate—FAC—the ultimate postdisaster support system for women.
Kari handed out the rest of the glasses and took one for herself.
Time to change the subject. Sally said, “You never told me if you got spanked for drinking at my graduation reception. Did you?”
The others giggled…until Kari’s mouth turned down. “No. I didn’t. He hasn’t—” She sighed. “Sex is okay, but I miss the D/s stuff. It’s like… I guess he doesn’t want me that way anymore.” She shrugged. “But it is what it is.”
As everyone stared at her, Kari took a hefty swallow of her drink. “Zane is staying with my mother tonight, so I can get drunk if I want to.”
“That sucks,” Gabi muttered. “If I get drunk and mouthy, Marcus knows I’m craving a fake fight and punishment. I get spanked.”
Sally knew Gabi would never deliberately disappoint her Dom. But Master Marcus enjoyed that she provided him with reasons to tan her ass. Of course, being a Dom, he didn’t need any excuse other than he wanted to, but punishment role-playing was just plain fun.
Sally managed to smile, even as grief threatened again. She and Vance and Galen had barely begun to develop those unspoken agreements. She shook her head to dislodge the thought and studied Kari. She’d been sick and exhausted for months after having Zane, but not anymore. And Zane must be around eight months old.
It would be nice to have a baby someday. Sally had wondered once or twice if Galen and Vance wanted children.
Guess I don’t have to worry about that.
She’d worry about Kari instead. Starting now. Sally turned to Gabi. “Can I stay with you tonight? I think Kari needs to smack Dan upside the head while Zane’s not around to watch.”
“What?” Kari’s drink stopped halfway to her lips.
Gabi simply smiled. “I totally agree. A good smacking is indicated, and yes, you’ll come home with me tonight.”
At Gabi’s instant agreement, Sally felt the wetness on her cheeks. Jeez. “Thanks.” She tried to furtively wipe her eyes and froze at the sight of a giant in leathers stalking toward their sitting area. Oh shit.
Silently, his submissive, Andrea, followed him into the group.
Master Cullen stared down at Sally. “Did you think you could hide in a corner and cry?” he asked without a hint of his usual good humor.
Unable to speak, she shook her head and stared at her feet.
He dropped to a knee in front of her. “Look at me, love,” he said, a hand on her cheek turning her face back to his. As his perceptive green eyes studied her, anger harshened his features. “Are those Feds the reason you’re crying?”
God, she didn’t want to set one Master against another. “No. I’m just having a bad day. I’m not at all—”
“You’re not at all a good liar.” Cullen shook his head. “Were they annoyed at what you did to Mistress Anne?”
“No. They don’t know.” Don’t need to know now. “Master Cullen, please. This isn’t necessary.”
“But she is crying because of the Feds,” Rainie volunteered. “They dumped her. Fuck, the assholes just told her they’d send her stuff and not to come back. Over the phone no less.”
Sally scowled at her way-too-helpful friend.
Cullen’s face darkened with rage.
No no no. Holding up a hand, Sally stammered out, “It’s my fault, all my fault. I screwed up. Don’t—”
Andrea stepped up beside Cullen, her eyes sparkling with wrath. “Cabrónes. Hijos de puta.” She touched Cullen’s hand, which had formed a fist, and actually nodded approval. “Sí, Señor, wipe the pavement with them.”
A grin broke over his face. “You’re definitely the woman I love.” He gave Andrea a quick kiss. “Find Jake and give him the bar, and if I’m not back before you’re ready to leave, text me.”
When he headed for the door with a determined stride, Sally stared after him. “He wouldn’t—”
“But yes. He will leave their bones scattered in the street for the dogs to chew.”
Sally’s mouth dropped open. Andrea really was a match for Master Cullen.
Andrea gave her a hug. “It will get better. Now I must do as Señor said.”
As her friend headed back to the bar, Sally realized everyone was looking at her again.
“So, I want to go over this a bit more,” Gabi said.
Jessica nodded. “I’m missing the logic too. They threw you out of the house because you made them late for work?”
“I wanted…” She wanted to hide under the couch rather than admit to her selfishness. With a sigh, she pushed her hair out of her face. She should own up to what she’d done. “They’d been so depressed, and I wanted to make them feel better.” Her eyes filled again. “I didn’t mean to make it all about me.” But she had.
“Go on.” Rainie prompted, “You jumped them in bed? Or forced them to endure blowjobs? Or cooked them an extra-big breakfast?”
“Last night, I attacked them with a water gun and started a fight.” Her lips curved for a second before quivering again.
“They were angry?” Gabi asked softly.
“I’ve never heard Galen laugh so hard.” Sally looked at her hands. “And yeah, there was sex.”
“So this morning, you pulled them back in bed and started to cry because you wanted more sex?” Jessica asked.
“No!” Sally shook her head. “I’d never do that. We just slept too late, and, well, Galen decided he needed…and Vance agreed.”
Rainie snickered. “I can guess how that ended. But sounds like they made themselves late. You didn’t.”
“But I did. It’s my fault. I asked…” Sally stopped, playing the morning back in her memory. “No. No, I didn’t. I didn’t whine. Or beg. Or even ask them not to go.” Relief was like an upwelling of clear water, so clear she could almost see to the bottom of her idiocy. “But still, they were late to work. They weren’t there, and people died.”
Kari was frowning. “Are you blaming yourself for those cops who died? Jeez, Sally, they died in New York. Yesterday evening. Galen and Vance couldn’t have prevented that.”
“New York?” Sally slumped back. “I…don’t get it. And the woman?”
“A forest in New York state. A couple of days ago. Someone saw a cabin burning, but the fire department was too late.”
The fire department? She closed her mouth. None of it was her fault.
