If You Only Knew
Page 120
“Fine. Good.” I glance at Mrs. Walker and lower my voice. “I’m sorry. I was visiting my father’s grave and I thought of... I thought maybe Mrs. Walker could use some company.”
He stares at me for a second, his eyes achingly sad. “That was very nice of you.” He sits back down. “You look very pretty, by the way.”
“Oh. Right. It was Kimber’s wedding. One of my brides, remember?”
“Bride?” Mrs. Walker asks, looking at Leo. “Is this your wife?”
Oh, God. The words scrape my heart. I can’t imagine how Leo must feel. This poor woman, who can’t remember her daughter, her only child, the baby she raised and loved.
And yet, this lucky woman, who can’t remember that her daughter is gone.
“No,” Leo says, clearing his throat. “I’m afraid my wife died.”
Something flickers across Mrs. Walker’s face, like an autumn leaf blowing across a field. Then it’s gone.
“Well,” she says. “I’m sure she loved you very much.”
The words fill the room, and I have to bow my head under the leaden weight of sadness.
“Yes,” Leo says.
I stand up. I can’t cry in front of Leo, will not add my tears to all the grief he carries every day. That would not be the act of a friend. That would not be a gift. “I should go. It was very nice to meet you, Mrs. Walker,” I say. I stick out my hand, but she just looks at it as if she’s not sure what it’s for. I end up putting my hand on her shoulder, very briefly.
Then I look at Leo. “Take care of yourself,” I say. “It was good to see you.”
“You, too.”
I go out the door, walking briskly but not running, down the hallway, into the lobby, out onto the sidewalk, tears dripping off my cheeks. Why did I walk here? Why didn’t I drive over?
I’ll walk back to the church, then drive to the country club. Mom and I will have a good time, and I’ll dance with my nieces, and who knows? Maybe I’ll even meet a nice guy.
But I really don’t want to. There’s only one guy I want.
“Jenny.”
I lurch to a stop and wipe my eyes hastily.
“You’re faster than you look,” Leo says.
“Hey.”
“Thank you for visiting her.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset her.”
“No. She’s always like that.”
I nod. The breeze whispers past, drying the tear streaks on my cheeks. “How are you?”
“Fine. Good.” He smiles, and I realize he’s echoing me from earlier. Then his smile falls away. “Actually, I’m kind of a mess.” He takes a deep breath. “Ever since Evander’s audition, I’ve been playing. Badly. It...brings a lot up, you know?”
I nod. After seeing him play with his entire heart, yes, I would guess it does.
“The thing is, Jenny...I guess I wasn’t really for recreation only. And I don’t really want to keep on being...tormented. So I’m working on forgiving myself. They asked me to teach at Juilliard in the fall. I’ve been playing a lot, because something shook loose that day, and it’s pretty much like hitting the keys with wooden mallets, but at least I’m doing something, and I can see that I’m rambling now, because I’m kind of terrified.”
“Why?”
“Just living can be pretty terrifying. I don’t know how you do it. You’re always so damn optimistic.”
“Sorry.” I feel the start of a smile. “I’ll work on that.”
“Also, I’m worried that you’ll realize you can do a lot better than me.”
My heart stops. “Good point,” I breathe.
“I’m hoping you haven’t figured that out yet, but I feel morally obliged to mention it.” He looks at me, some of his nervous energy dissipating, leaving him with just that still intensity. “I miss you.”
My eyes fill. “I miss you, too.”
“I’m irritating and damaged and pretty manic sometimes, not to mention—”
“I just took you back, didn’t I? Quit while you’re ahead.”
His arms go around me, and he hugs me so close and hard that my ribs creak, and I hug him back just as hard, and then he kisses me, a long, perfect kiss, and my heart feels so full that it hurts in a wonderful, warm ache.
Everything I want is right here. Right now.
“I knew you were trouble,” Leo says.
“I love you, too,” I answer, and he laughs and hugs me again, and I breathe in his good, clean Leo smell, my heart splitting open with happiness, overflowing with love.
I used to think that somewhere along the line, I’d find the key to that perfect life, the way Rachel seemed to, and that once I had it, every day would be golden and easy, and everything would fit. But life isn’t like that. There are only perfect, glowing moments, like this one, and then there are the everyday moments that weave them together into a shimmering path that can always be seen, even in the dark.
“You still need a date for that wedding?” Leo asks.
“Only if you want to go.”
“I do.” He smiles down at me, then takes my hand, and we walk down the street together, past the park, past the cemetery, into the beautiful summer day.
He stares at me for a second, his eyes achingly sad. “That was very nice of you.” He sits back down. “You look very pretty, by the way.”
“Oh. Right. It was Kimber’s wedding. One of my brides, remember?”
“Bride?” Mrs. Walker asks, looking at Leo. “Is this your wife?”
Oh, God. The words scrape my heart. I can’t imagine how Leo must feel. This poor woman, who can’t remember her daughter, her only child, the baby she raised and loved.
And yet, this lucky woman, who can’t remember that her daughter is gone.
“No,” Leo says, clearing his throat. “I’m afraid my wife died.”
Something flickers across Mrs. Walker’s face, like an autumn leaf blowing across a field. Then it’s gone.
“Well,” she says. “I’m sure she loved you very much.”
The words fill the room, and I have to bow my head under the leaden weight of sadness.
“Yes,” Leo says.
I stand up. I can’t cry in front of Leo, will not add my tears to all the grief he carries every day. That would not be the act of a friend. That would not be a gift. “I should go. It was very nice to meet you, Mrs. Walker,” I say. I stick out my hand, but she just looks at it as if she’s not sure what it’s for. I end up putting my hand on her shoulder, very briefly.
Then I look at Leo. “Take care of yourself,” I say. “It was good to see you.”
“You, too.”
I go out the door, walking briskly but not running, down the hallway, into the lobby, out onto the sidewalk, tears dripping off my cheeks. Why did I walk here? Why didn’t I drive over?
I’ll walk back to the church, then drive to the country club. Mom and I will have a good time, and I’ll dance with my nieces, and who knows? Maybe I’ll even meet a nice guy.
But I really don’t want to. There’s only one guy I want.
“Jenny.”
I lurch to a stop and wipe my eyes hastily.
“You’re faster than you look,” Leo says.
“Hey.”
“Thank you for visiting her.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset her.”
“No. She’s always like that.”
I nod. The breeze whispers past, drying the tear streaks on my cheeks. “How are you?”
“Fine. Good.” He smiles, and I realize he’s echoing me from earlier. Then his smile falls away. “Actually, I’m kind of a mess.” He takes a deep breath. “Ever since Evander’s audition, I’ve been playing. Badly. It...brings a lot up, you know?”
I nod. After seeing him play with his entire heart, yes, I would guess it does.
“The thing is, Jenny...I guess I wasn’t really for recreation only. And I don’t really want to keep on being...tormented. So I’m working on forgiving myself. They asked me to teach at Juilliard in the fall. I’ve been playing a lot, because something shook loose that day, and it’s pretty much like hitting the keys with wooden mallets, but at least I’m doing something, and I can see that I’m rambling now, because I’m kind of terrified.”
“Why?”
“Just living can be pretty terrifying. I don’t know how you do it. You’re always so damn optimistic.”
“Sorry.” I feel the start of a smile. “I’ll work on that.”
“Also, I’m worried that you’ll realize you can do a lot better than me.”
My heart stops. “Good point,” I breathe.
“I’m hoping you haven’t figured that out yet, but I feel morally obliged to mention it.” He looks at me, some of his nervous energy dissipating, leaving him with just that still intensity. “I miss you.”
My eyes fill. “I miss you, too.”
“I’m irritating and damaged and pretty manic sometimes, not to mention—”
“I just took you back, didn’t I? Quit while you’re ahead.”
His arms go around me, and he hugs me so close and hard that my ribs creak, and I hug him back just as hard, and then he kisses me, a long, perfect kiss, and my heart feels so full that it hurts in a wonderful, warm ache.
Everything I want is right here. Right now.
“I knew you were trouble,” Leo says.
“I love you, too,” I answer, and he laughs and hugs me again, and I breathe in his good, clean Leo smell, my heart splitting open with happiness, overflowing with love.
I used to think that somewhere along the line, I’d find the key to that perfect life, the way Rachel seemed to, and that once I had it, every day would be golden and easy, and everything would fit. But life isn’t like that. There are only perfect, glowing moments, like this one, and then there are the everyday moments that weave them together into a shimmering path that can always be seen, even in the dark.
“You still need a date for that wedding?” Leo asks.
“Only if you want to go.”
“I do.” He smiles down at me, then takes my hand, and we walk down the street together, past the park, past the cemetery, into the beautiful summer day.
