If You Only Knew
Page 89
She pulls back and whirls on me. “That scumbag is the father of my children, Jenny,” she hisses. “We have a family. It’s easy for you to give advice because you don’t know what’s at stake!”
Her words slap me in the face. “Rachel, I just—”
“It’s not your business,” she says.
“You made it my business! I’ve been here for you since that first day! How can you say that?”
“Well, I don’t need you right now, okay? I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but Adam’s right. This is for him and me to figure out. Not you.” She looks at Adam. “Let me get the girls and we’ll go home.”
“I’ll come in and help. If that’s okay with you, Jenny. If you’ll let me pollute your house long enough to get my daughters.”
“Yes. I...I... Fine.”
My hands are shaking. I’m furious with Rachel for being so naive—again! She didn’t even know what a crotch shot was! And then, oh, hey, it was just an accident; Adam would never cheat on her, and of course he was. Even Leo, who was a complete stranger, knew that.
She wants me to look out for her, and I do, and then I get blamed for it. She needs a shoulder to cry on, and it’s mine, and then I’m blamed for being angry.
It’s so fucking unfair.
Five minutes later, I watch as the girls, who could sleep through being eaten by zombies, are packed into the minivan. Rachel pulls away, giving me a terse wave. Adam doesn’t bother saying anything. Then, when he’s just about to get into his car, he turns to me and says, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t fill her head with inflammatory images, Jenny. You’re just making things worse.”
“Me? Your whore is the one who filled her head with images when she sent that picture!”
Adam smiles at me. He smiles and gets into his car, and I’m left alone on the street, the DelFuego kid across the way bouncing his basketball.
It starts to rain again, and my tears slash hot and fierce through the cold on my cheeks.
“Jenny. Come inside.” Leo’s voice is soft from the doorway.
I turn around and obey. I don’t quite make it into his apartment before I’m bawling.
“How can she be mad at me? She just... How am I suddenly the bad guy here?” I sob. Leo looks around, then hands me a roll of paper towels. I take it, blowing my nose as he leads me into his ever-immaculate living room. “She gave him everything! Three beautiful children. Her heart, every hour of the day devoted to that family, to him. She thought he practically parted the Red Sea, and he goes and sleeps with some slut.”
That stupid, squeaky sound is me, I realize. I hate this. I hate my Ugly Face of Crying, hate the sobs that rip out of my throat, hate that my sister is mad at me and back with Adam.
Loki, who finally sides with me for once, starts crooning. He comes over and puts his head in my lap.
“Why don’t men appreciate what they have? Why do they screw everything up? Why, Leo? Why?”
“I don’t know, honey,” Leo says quietly.
“She knows he’s still sleeping with her. She’s not stupid. He and that woman were making out in his office on Friday, and now Rachel’s hugging him in the street! Why would she give him another chance? Can you honestly forget that your husband lied to you, over and over and over...” My voice breaks off into a squeak.
“I’ve missed eighty percent of what you’ve just said,” Leo says, putting his arm around me. “Only Loki can hear you now.”
Loki lies down and puts his muzzle on my foot. I blow my nose and try to get myself under control.
“My father cheated on my mother, did you know that?” I say, my face spasming. “Everyone thought they had the perfect marriage, but he cheated, too. And then he died, and I couldn’t even be mad at him.”
Leo kisses my hair and doesn’t say anything.
“I should’ve told.”
“Why?”
“Because then maybe he wouldn’t have gone to buy that Brain Freeze.”
“So you control the world, then? Good to know.”
“Don’t laugh at me.” But it’s nice here, my head on his chest, the warm smell of him. We were kissing last night. It seems like a week ago. “Do you think I should tell Rachel about our dad?”
“I have no idea.”
“Please, Leo.”
“Sweetheart, I honestly have no idea. I’m not good at this stuff.” But he’s stroking my hair, and it feels so good.
“I’m afraid that if she knows about Dad, then she’ll justify staying with Adam.”
“Loki, what do you think?”
“I hate that she’s mad at me. I’m the good guy here.”
“You are. You’re a very good sister from what I’ve seen.”
That makes my eyes fill again. I pull another paper towel off the roll and blow my nose. “I don’t understand men,” I say brokenly. “They have everything, and then one piece of tail makes them throw away everything that’s good in their lives just for...for what? For sex? Is sex really that important that you’d screw over your wife and children and make them feel like dirt? Like they’re stupid and unimportant?”
Did the same kind of thing happen with him? Maybe he could pipe up and make me feel a little less freakish, all my emotional misery eviscerated, hanging there like intestines.
“Do you have any idea, Leo?” I ask, lifting my head to look at him.
Her words slap me in the face. “Rachel, I just—”
“It’s not your business,” she says.
“You made it my business! I’ve been here for you since that first day! How can you say that?”
“Well, I don’t need you right now, okay? I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but Adam’s right. This is for him and me to figure out. Not you.” She looks at Adam. “Let me get the girls and we’ll go home.”
“I’ll come in and help. If that’s okay with you, Jenny. If you’ll let me pollute your house long enough to get my daughters.”
“Yes. I...I... Fine.”
My hands are shaking. I’m furious with Rachel for being so naive—again! She didn’t even know what a crotch shot was! And then, oh, hey, it was just an accident; Adam would never cheat on her, and of course he was. Even Leo, who was a complete stranger, knew that.
She wants me to look out for her, and I do, and then I get blamed for it. She needs a shoulder to cry on, and it’s mine, and then I’m blamed for being angry.
It’s so fucking unfair.
Five minutes later, I watch as the girls, who could sleep through being eaten by zombies, are packed into the minivan. Rachel pulls away, giving me a terse wave. Adam doesn’t bother saying anything. Then, when he’s just about to get into his car, he turns to me and says, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t fill her head with inflammatory images, Jenny. You’re just making things worse.”
“Me? Your whore is the one who filled her head with images when she sent that picture!”
Adam smiles at me. He smiles and gets into his car, and I’m left alone on the street, the DelFuego kid across the way bouncing his basketball.
It starts to rain again, and my tears slash hot and fierce through the cold on my cheeks.
“Jenny. Come inside.” Leo’s voice is soft from the doorway.
I turn around and obey. I don’t quite make it into his apartment before I’m bawling.
“How can she be mad at me? She just... How am I suddenly the bad guy here?” I sob. Leo looks around, then hands me a roll of paper towels. I take it, blowing my nose as he leads me into his ever-immaculate living room. “She gave him everything! Three beautiful children. Her heart, every hour of the day devoted to that family, to him. She thought he practically parted the Red Sea, and he goes and sleeps with some slut.”
That stupid, squeaky sound is me, I realize. I hate this. I hate my Ugly Face of Crying, hate the sobs that rip out of my throat, hate that my sister is mad at me and back with Adam.
Loki, who finally sides with me for once, starts crooning. He comes over and puts his head in my lap.
“Why don’t men appreciate what they have? Why do they screw everything up? Why, Leo? Why?”
“I don’t know, honey,” Leo says quietly.
“She knows he’s still sleeping with her. She’s not stupid. He and that woman were making out in his office on Friday, and now Rachel’s hugging him in the street! Why would she give him another chance? Can you honestly forget that your husband lied to you, over and over and over...” My voice breaks off into a squeak.
“I’ve missed eighty percent of what you’ve just said,” Leo says, putting his arm around me. “Only Loki can hear you now.”
Loki lies down and puts his muzzle on my foot. I blow my nose and try to get myself under control.
“My father cheated on my mother, did you know that?” I say, my face spasming. “Everyone thought they had the perfect marriage, but he cheated, too. And then he died, and I couldn’t even be mad at him.”
Leo kisses my hair and doesn’t say anything.
“I should’ve told.”
“Why?”
“Because then maybe he wouldn’t have gone to buy that Brain Freeze.”
“So you control the world, then? Good to know.”
“Don’t laugh at me.” But it’s nice here, my head on his chest, the warm smell of him. We were kissing last night. It seems like a week ago. “Do you think I should tell Rachel about our dad?”
“I have no idea.”
“Please, Leo.”
“Sweetheart, I honestly have no idea. I’m not good at this stuff.” But he’s stroking my hair, and it feels so good.
“I’m afraid that if she knows about Dad, then she’ll justify staying with Adam.”
“Loki, what do you think?”
“I hate that she’s mad at me. I’m the good guy here.”
“You are. You’re a very good sister from what I’ve seen.”
That makes my eyes fill again. I pull another paper towel off the roll and blow my nose. “I don’t understand men,” I say brokenly. “They have everything, and then one piece of tail makes them throw away everything that’s good in their lives just for...for what? For sex? Is sex really that important that you’d screw over your wife and children and make them feel like dirt? Like they’re stupid and unimportant?”
Did the same kind of thing happen with him? Maybe he could pipe up and make me feel a little less freakish, all my emotional misery eviscerated, hanging there like intestines.
“Do you have any idea, Leo?” I ask, lifting my head to look at him.
