Illusions of Fate
Page 40
“It’s not like that!”
“He’ll use you up and then throw you away, and there’s nothing you can do about it, because in the end you aren’t one of them and you never will be. No one here will ever see you as an equal—no matter how many fine dresses you accept.”
I can feel tears building, both at his accusations and at the deep-rooted suspicions that he’s right.
I take his free hand in mine. “Please, let me explain. Come and see me at the hotel, I’ll tell you everything. It’s not—” I find myself once again on the verge of saying “I didn’t choose this.” But . . . it’s a lie. I chose to come here tonight with Finn. I chose to let him into my life. I wanted to, much as I protested otherwise.
“I hope whatever you are getting is worth it.” His eyes cut me to the core.
I startle as someone touches the small of my back. “Who is your friend?” Finn asks.
Blushing deeply, I drop my grip on Kelen’s hand and stammer, “This is Kelen. We grew up together.”
Kelen bows low at the waist, while Finn barely inclines his head. “If you’ll excuse me, I must steal Jessamin.” He turns, taking me with him, and I crane my neck to watch Kelen, whose face is bathed in stony disappointment as he watches Finn lead me to the other side of the room.
“What is so important? Is it Eleanor?”
“No, no, she’s fine. On her way home. I thought you might like something to eat.”
He’s pulling me along, guiding me with his hand on my back, and I stop. “That’s why you had to take me away without bothering to speak with someone I’ve known for years?”
Finn avoids my gaze. “I didn’t think it wise for you to be seen with him.”
Anger overpowers shame, flaring hot inside my chest. “Because he’s a servant? Because he’s not fine enough for this fancy room and these fancy people? Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but neither am I!”
Scowling, Finn grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowd as though I am a petulant child. We enter a small side room with furniture draped in protective sheets.
“Why are we in here? Am I embarrassing you?”
“Don’t be petty, Jessamin. Of course I don’t care that he’s a servant.”
“Really?”
“Really!”
“Then why the rush to keep me from speaking with him in front of all of your noble peers?”
“I care nothing about them! Forgive me if I’d rather not see you speaking with a handsome man who is clearly interested in you!”
I stop, mouth open. Finn was jealous? That’s what this is about? “Kelen is an old friend.” Or used to be. I’m not sure he can ever forgive me for what I’ve become, not after what this country did to his mother.
Finn takes a deep breath, calming his features. “It’s not safe. That’s all. Lord Downpike could see you chatting and identify Kelen as a potential target. There is a reason I have no close friends, no history with anyone. I can only protect so many people at once, Jessa.”
I narrow my eyes at him using my nickname. “So that is what you are doing with Ma’ati and Jacky Boy? Taking them under your protection?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And me?”
“Why would I not want to protect you?”
“Yes, taking away my job, putting me in a room I cannot afford on my own, the walks in the park, the meals, constantly hanging around the library and the hotel, dressing me like a spineless Alben lady and parading me around. You are doing precisely what I asked you not to, precisely what I refused to accept when you wanted to hide me away in some country estate. You’re trying to control me!” And I’ve let him. I’ve pretended to hate it, pretended at resisting it, but here I am. I think back on how happy I was to be on his arm earlier this evening and I cannot understand who I am or what I have done.
I know how I felt when I saw him waiting for me in the hotel. I can’t deny that. But I let myself be pulled along in the wake of people with more power than I will ever have. Kelen is right. I will never be an equal here.
Finn’s calm demeanor shatters, and he takes a step directly in front of me, forcing me to look up to see his face. “I’m not trying to control you! Spirits below, I’m trying to court you! Can you not see the difference?”
I lean back, needing some space between us so I can think, so I can breathe. “But . . . but you don’t want—I mean, you’re trying to break the shadow connection. I thought you wanted to be free of it. We agreed.”
He throws his hands in the air. “I told you how rare it is. I have only known one couple my entire life who shadowed each other.”
“Then ask them how to break it!”
His shoulders slump, and he turns away from me. “They’re dead. My parents were shadowed from the moment they met, and they loved each other more than anyone I’ve ever seen. Clearly I was a fool to dream I could have the same thing.”
His admission that he wants me, a relationship with me, leaves me scrambling to sort out how to respond. I shouldn’t be so shocked, but Albens are never so open about how they feel. “I can’t—I don’t want—I never wanted my mother’s life. I don’t want to be an Alben’s dusky prize.”
He recoils as though I’ve struck him. “For all you think we judge you, I have never once cared about the color of your skin or the country of your birth. But it would appear you cannot get past mine.” He reaches into his vest pocket and pulls out his deck of cards, letting them drop to the floor. “I will no longer try to be anything more than a burden to you. But don’t think for one moment I will stop protecting you.”
“He’ll use you up and then throw you away, and there’s nothing you can do about it, because in the end you aren’t one of them and you never will be. No one here will ever see you as an equal—no matter how many fine dresses you accept.”
I can feel tears building, both at his accusations and at the deep-rooted suspicions that he’s right.
I take his free hand in mine. “Please, let me explain. Come and see me at the hotel, I’ll tell you everything. It’s not—” I find myself once again on the verge of saying “I didn’t choose this.” But . . . it’s a lie. I chose to come here tonight with Finn. I chose to let him into my life. I wanted to, much as I protested otherwise.
“I hope whatever you are getting is worth it.” His eyes cut me to the core.
I startle as someone touches the small of my back. “Who is your friend?” Finn asks.
Blushing deeply, I drop my grip on Kelen’s hand and stammer, “This is Kelen. We grew up together.”
Kelen bows low at the waist, while Finn barely inclines his head. “If you’ll excuse me, I must steal Jessamin.” He turns, taking me with him, and I crane my neck to watch Kelen, whose face is bathed in stony disappointment as he watches Finn lead me to the other side of the room.
“What is so important? Is it Eleanor?”
“No, no, she’s fine. On her way home. I thought you might like something to eat.”
He’s pulling me along, guiding me with his hand on my back, and I stop. “That’s why you had to take me away without bothering to speak with someone I’ve known for years?”
Finn avoids my gaze. “I didn’t think it wise for you to be seen with him.”
Anger overpowers shame, flaring hot inside my chest. “Because he’s a servant? Because he’s not fine enough for this fancy room and these fancy people? Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but neither am I!”
Scowling, Finn grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowd as though I am a petulant child. We enter a small side room with furniture draped in protective sheets.
“Why are we in here? Am I embarrassing you?”
“Don’t be petty, Jessamin. Of course I don’t care that he’s a servant.”
“Really?”
“Really!”
“Then why the rush to keep me from speaking with him in front of all of your noble peers?”
“I care nothing about them! Forgive me if I’d rather not see you speaking with a handsome man who is clearly interested in you!”
I stop, mouth open. Finn was jealous? That’s what this is about? “Kelen is an old friend.” Or used to be. I’m not sure he can ever forgive me for what I’ve become, not after what this country did to his mother.
Finn takes a deep breath, calming his features. “It’s not safe. That’s all. Lord Downpike could see you chatting and identify Kelen as a potential target. There is a reason I have no close friends, no history with anyone. I can only protect so many people at once, Jessa.”
I narrow my eyes at him using my nickname. “So that is what you are doing with Ma’ati and Jacky Boy? Taking them under your protection?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And me?”
“Why would I not want to protect you?”
“Yes, taking away my job, putting me in a room I cannot afford on my own, the walks in the park, the meals, constantly hanging around the library and the hotel, dressing me like a spineless Alben lady and parading me around. You are doing precisely what I asked you not to, precisely what I refused to accept when you wanted to hide me away in some country estate. You’re trying to control me!” And I’ve let him. I’ve pretended to hate it, pretended at resisting it, but here I am. I think back on how happy I was to be on his arm earlier this evening and I cannot understand who I am or what I have done.
I know how I felt when I saw him waiting for me in the hotel. I can’t deny that. But I let myself be pulled along in the wake of people with more power than I will ever have. Kelen is right. I will never be an equal here.
Finn’s calm demeanor shatters, and he takes a step directly in front of me, forcing me to look up to see his face. “I’m not trying to control you! Spirits below, I’m trying to court you! Can you not see the difference?”
I lean back, needing some space between us so I can think, so I can breathe. “But . . . but you don’t want—I mean, you’re trying to break the shadow connection. I thought you wanted to be free of it. We agreed.”
He throws his hands in the air. “I told you how rare it is. I have only known one couple my entire life who shadowed each other.”
“Then ask them how to break it!”
His shoulders slump, and he turns away from me. “They’re dead. My parents were shadowed from the moment they met, and they loved each other more than anyone I’ve ever seen. Clearly I was a fool to dream I could have the same thing.”
His admission that he wants me, a relationship with me, leaves me scrambling to sort out how to respond. I shouldn’t be so shocked, but Albens are never so open about how they feel. “I can’t—I don’t want—I never wanted my mother’s life. I don’t want to be an Alben’s dusky prize.”
He recoils as though I’ve struck him. “For all you think we judge you, I have never once cared about the color of your skin or the country of your birth. But it would appear you cannot get past mine.” He reaches into his vest pocket and pulls out his deck of cards, letting them drop to the floor. “I will no longer try to be anything more than a burden to you. But don’t think for one moment I will stop protecting you.”
