In This Life
Page 7
I cleared my throat. “I meant to ask what you want to do about tonight. Nancy had Colin last night but I don’t know if she’s up to covering two nights in a row. I can take him tonight if you want…”
My voice trailed off because I finally realized what he’d been staring at. From here the Hawk Mountains were only ragged shadows. The smell of smoke was long gone and from afar there was no hint about what kind of disaster had unfolded up there. You’d have to get a lot closer to see the scars left by the fire.
Grief flooded me. It had been a constant companion lately but every now and then the ache sharpened to a crippling pain. Heather was nine years older then I was so we hadn’t been close while growing up. In my narrow opinion my perky blonde cousin was somewhat conceited and superficial. But when I returned to Hawk Valley four years ago as a pregnant college dropout who’d just exited a toxic relationship and didn’t feel up to answering questions about anything, Heather glued herself to my side and became my biggest champion. She helped me find work. She was there at the hospital holding my hand when Emma was born. And when she saw a long awaited positive sign on a drugstore pregnancy test, I was the first one she called with the news.
The tears I’d managed to contain throughout the funeral were now threatening to engulf me.
“Oh god,” I moaned and found myself leaning on the wet car for support.
There were suddenly arms around me, strong arms lifting me from my slumped position and pulling me against a broad chest. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and breathed in the pine scent of his aftershave. Nash said nothing as he held me and that was fine. It only lasted for a moment and in that moment we were just two anguished people clinging to each other in the parking lot of a cemetery as a cold rain fell. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been held by anyone and I would have gladly hung onto him a lot longer. But Nash let go and backed away.
“I’ll see you later,” he said before heading to his truck.
I didn’t have a clear idea whether he planned to show up at Nancy’s or whether he needed me to take care of Colin tonight. However, I didn’t feel like chasing after him for answers so I sighed and ducked into my own car. I shrugged out of my wet blazer, relieved the blouse underneath was mostly dry, before making the short drive to Nancy Reston’s house.
The house was in the oldest part of town, only two streets over from the one where Nash and I had grown up. Years ago my mother had sold her old house in that neighborhood and moved into a fairly new condo across town. As for the gorgeous Victorian that Chris Ryan had spent years restoring, I would assume it belonged to Nash now. Well, Nash and Colin.
Nancy had only invited the friends and family of Chris and Heather so there wouldn’t an obscene number of people to deal with. The silver haired former mayor greeted me at the door with a warm hug and produced an embroidered pink towel so I could do something about my damp hair. I was still standing in the foyer and toweling off my messy hair when the small hurricane that was my daughter sped past me.
“Hey there, missy,” I said, trying to scoop the giggling girl into my arms.
Emma was not a child who liked to be contained. She wriggled away.
“Look what Grandma gave me,” she announced, triumphantly holding up a five dollar bill.
The last time my mother gave Emma money, my daughter had decorated Abraham Lincoln’s face with bright red crayon and then wrapped the bill around a ball of clay. The lesson should have been to avoid offering paper money to a three year old but my mother was a slow learner sometimes.
“And where is Grandma?” I asked her.
Emma pointed. “In there.” She scrunched up her face and my heart skipped because for a second she looked exactly like her father. I should be used to the resemblance by now but somehow it still caught me off guard.
Emma resisted when I took her by the hand but I couldn’t let her tear through the house getting into all kinds of trouble. Nancy had her hands full with the arriving guests.
My mother offered me a nod from her place by the picture window beside Uncle Ben, the oldest living member of my family. His thin hands trembled and his face was confused as my mother yapped in his ear between bites of lemon cake.
Emma stopped trying to struggle out of my grip when I directed her to the table of refreshments and piled fruit on a plate. Emma loved strawberries the way other kids loved chocolate bars.
Jane was seated on a small sofa with a napping Colin in her arms. Her posture was rather stiff and she kept her eyes on the baby. Jane didn’t often volunteer to hold her nephew and never offered to babysit. At first I thought it seemed Jane was almost afraid of the child, yet after observing she over the past few days I didn’t believe that was it. Jane wasn’t afraid of the baby. She was afraid of herself, maybe of her ability to hold him properly. Heather once described Jane as ‘painfully fragile’ and that was an accurate description. I knew the whispers about her history. The breakdowns. She’d supposedly been steady for quite some time but since the fire she seemed to be withdrawing more. Heather and Chris had come to their decision for a reason. Jane would never be up to the task of taking care of Colin.
I settled Emma on a nearby chair with her plate of strawberries and eased down on the chintz sofa beside Jane. “Do you want me to take him?”
Her nod of relief was immediate. “Yes, thank you.”
Colin awoke as he was shifted into my arms. “Hey, little man,” I said and he smiled. I moved him to an upright position, wondering if it was time for a bottle, but for the moment he seemed content to lay his head on my shoulder and try to grab my chunky turquoise necklace.
“He loves you,” Jane said, a little wistfully.
I didn’t point out that Colin was a baby and didn’t know how to love anyone. Babies required things. Comfort, feedings, clean diapers, affection. They didn’t yet have anything to offer in return.
Kevin Reston materialized with a thick cardigan sweater. He carefully draped it over Jane’s shoulders.
“You doing all right, honey?” he asked her with such tenderness my heart seized up a little. Jane hadn’t been lucky in many aspects of her life but she’d been lucky enough to find love. Many of us would search forever and only find pale imitations of the real thing.
“I’m fine,” Jane said, though anyone who looked at her would have some doubt. There were dark circles under her eyes and her small frame looked slighter than ever. I doubted she was sleeping much. Or eating.
“Mommy?” Emma piped up. “Can we go home now?”
“Not yet, baby.”
“I want to pet Bruno.”
“He’s been jailed in the back bedroom,” Kevin said, referring to his mother’s wily terrier. He grinned at Emma. “Otherwise he’d be jumping on everyone and stealing all the food.”
Emma considered and then changed tactics. “I want to go in the backyard.”
“It’s raining, Ems,” I told her.
She crossed her arms and looked unhappy. The days since the fire had been confusing for her.
Kevin cleared his throat. “Actually, I was just outside and the rain seems to be letting up.” He winked at Emma. “What do you say? How about we rescue Bruno and let him run around the backyard?” Kevin glanced at me. “If it’s okay with your mom.”
“That’s more than okay,” I said. “Thank you, Kevin.”
My voice trailed off because I finally realized what he’d been staring at. From here the Hawk Mountains were only ragged shadows. The smell of smoke was long gone and from afar there was no hint about what kind of disaster had unfolded up there. You’d have to get a lot closer to see the scars left by the fire.
Grief flooded me. It had been a constant companion lately but every now and then the ache sharpened to a crippling pain. Heather was nine years older then I was so we hadn’t been close while growing up. In my narrow opinion my perky blonde cousin was somewhat conceited and superficial. But when I returned to Hawk Valley four years ago as a pregnant college dropout who’d just exited a toxic relationship and didn’t feel up to answering questions about anything, Heather glued herself to my side and became my biggest champion. She helped me find work. She was there at the hospital holding my hand when Emma was born. And when she saw a long awaited positive sign on a drugstore pregnancy test, I was the first one she called with the news.
The tears I’d managed to contain throughout the funeral were now threatening to engulf me.
“Oh god,” I moaned and found myself leaning on the wet car for support.
There were suddenly arms around me, strong arms lifting me from my slumped position and pulling me against a broad chest. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and breathed in the pine scent of his aftershave. Nash said nothing as he held me and that was fine. It only lasted for a moment and in that moment we were just two anguished people clinging to each other in the parking lot of a cemetery as a cold rain fell. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been held by anyone and I would have gladly hung onto him a lot longer. But Nash let go and backed away.
“I’ll see you later,” he said before heading to his truck.
I didn’t have a clear idea whether he planned to show up at Nancy’s or whether he needed me to take care of Colin tonight. However, I didn’t feel like chasing after him for answers so I sighed and ducked into my own car. I shrugged out of my wet blazer, relieved the blouse underneath was mostly dry, before making the short drive to Nancy Reston’s house.
The house was in the oldest part of town, only two streets over from the one where Nash and I had grown up. Years ago my mother had sold her old house in that neighborhood and moved into a fairly new condo across town. As for the gorgeous Victorian that Chris Ryan had spent years restoring, I would assume it belonged to Nash now. Well, Nash and Colin.
Nancy had only invited the friends and family of Chris and Heather so there wouldn’t an obscene number of people to deal with. The silver haired former mayor greeted me at the door with a warm hug and produced an embroidered pink towel so I could do something about my damp hair. I was still standing in the foyer and toweling off my messy hair when the small hurricane that was my daughter sped past me.
“Hey there, missy,” I said, trying to scoop the giggling girl into my arms.
Emma was not a child who liked to be contained. She wriggled away.
“Look what Grandma gave me,” she announced, triumphantly holding up a five dollar bill.
The last time my mother gave Emma money, my daughter had decorated Abraham Lincoln’s face with bright red crayon and then wrapped the bill around a ball of clay. The lesson should have been to avoid offering paper money to a three year old but my mother was a slow learner sometimes.
“And where is Grandma?” I asked her.
Emma pointed. “In there.” She scrunched up her face and my heart skipped because for a second she looked exactly like her father. I should be used to the resemblance by now but somehow it still caught me off guard.
Emma resisted when I took her by the hand but I couldn’t let her tear through the house getting into all kinds of trouble. Nancy had her hands full with the arriving guests.
My mother offered me a nod from her place by the picture window beside Uncle Ben, the oldest living member of my family. His thin hands trembled and his face was confused as my mother yapped in his ear between bites of lemon cake.
Emma stopped trying to struggle out of my grip when I directed her to the table of refreshments and piled fruit on a plate. Emma loved strawberries the way other kids loved chocolate bars.
Jane was seated on a small sofa with a napping Colin in her arms. Her posture was rather stiff and she kept her eyes on the baby. Jane didn’t often volunteer to hold her nephew and never offered to babysit. At first I thought it seemed Jane was almost afraid of the child, yet after observing she over the past few days I didn’t believe that was it. Jane wasn’t afraid of the baby. She was afraid of herself, maybe of her ability to hold him properly. Heather once described Jane as ‘painfully fragile’ and that was an accurate description. I knew the whispers about her history. The breakdowns. She’d supposedly been steady for quite some time but since the fire she seemed to be withdrawing more. Heather and Chris had come to their decision for a reason. Jane would never be up to the task of taking care of Colin.
I settled Emma on a nearby chair with her plate of strawberries and eased down on the chintz sofa beside Jane. “Do you want me to take him?”
Her nod of relief was immediate. “Yes, thank you.”
Colin awoke as he was shifted into my arms. “Hey, little man,” I said and he smiled. I moved him to an upright position, wondering if it was time for a bottle, but for the moment he seemed content to lay his head on my shoulder and try to grab my chunky turquoise necklace.
“He loves you,” Jane said, a little wistfully.
I didn’t point out that Colin was a baby and didn’t know how to love anyone. Babies required things. Comfort, feedings, clean diapers, affection. They didn’t yet have anything to offer in return.
Kevin Reston materialized with a thick cardigan sweater. He carefully draped it over Jane’s shoulders.
“You doing all right, honey?” he asked her with such tenderness my heart seized up a little. Jane hadn’t been lucky in many aspects of her life but she’d been lucky enough to find love. Many of us would search forever and only find pale imitations of the real thing.
“I’m fine,” Jane said, though anyone who looked at her would have some doubt. There were dark circles under her eyes and her small frame looked slighter than ever. I doubted she was sleeping much. Or eating.
“Mommy?” Emma piped up. “Can we go home now?”
“Not yet, baby.”
“I want to pet Bruno.”
“He’s been jailed in the back bedroom,” Kevin said, referring to his mother’s wily terrier. He grinned at Emma. “Otherwise he’d be jumping on everyone and stealing all the food.”
Emma considered and then changed tactics. “I want to go in the backyard.”
“It’s raining, Ems,” I told her.
She crossed her arms and looked unhappy. The days since the fire had been confusing for her.
Kevin cleared his throat. “Actually, I was just outside and the rain seems to be letting up.” He winked at Emma. “What do you say? How about we rescue Bruno and let him run around the backyard?” Kevin glanced at me. “If it’s okay with your mom.”
“That’s more than okay,” I said. “Thank you, Kevin.”
