In Your Corner
Page 89
Jake’s eyes flick to the file and back to me, but he makes no move to take it.
Tears prickle the backs of my eyes. “Fine. If you won’t look at it, I’ll tell you what it says and what it would say if it started from the beginning. It would say Amanda slept around since Cory Rissoli touched her behind the garden shed when she was fourteen, and for fifteen minutes she actually felt someone cared. And when Peter Long took her virginity when she was sixteen, she felt loved and wanted in a way she never had before. And she’s been chasing that feeling ever since.”
I pause for a breath and still Jake doesn’t move. So I keep talking about looking for love with men who wanted anything but, and I can only hope I will say something that will change his mind about walking away.
“But nothing ever lasted because sex isn’t love and love doesn’t happen if you don’t let people in. And it’s hard to let people in when your whole life the people you love have let you down. You stop believing you are worth being loved or even that you have love to give.”
“You were wrong,” he says quietly.
For a long moment we stare at each other. Finally, I hold out the file. “Take it.”
Jake shakes his head and pulls open the door to his Jeep. “I don’t care what’s in the file. What kills me is that you ever thought I would.”
***
Strung out and emotionally drained, I sit in my office and stare at my computer for hours, watching AW AW AW bounce across my screen. I bill no time, do no work, and shuffle no papers. Somewhere in the back of my mind, my body registers hunger. But of course, my microwave is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. When I finally pack up my stuff and leave my desk, I am totally unprepared to find Ray stretched out on the reception couch in the dark. “Ray. It’s two a.m. Why are you still here?”
“Waiting for you.”
My chest tightens. God, what does he think of me? All the time I spent slagging off Evil Reid only to be caught in a lip-lock with him. “What you saw…it was a mistake to start with and then things got out of hand.”
“Don’t need an explanation. I know Cravath and I know you.” He swings his legs down and pats the seat beside him. With a sigh, I join him, thankful for the dark shadows that hide my tear-stained face.
“You don’t know me as well as you think.”
He snorts a laugh. “I know you’re judging yourself and finding yourself lacking. I know you’re putting a value judgment on something that was out of your control. And I know you’re hurting because Jake took off.”
“What was he doing here…with you?”
He cuts me off with a grimace. “Stuff I know about Cravath meant I couldn’t in good conscience leave you alone with him. I dropped Penny off, made a few calls, and told the people I was supposed to meet I had an emergency and to f**king screw themselves if they didn’t change the date. Jake was just getting out of his vehicle when I arrived. Said he’d come here to talk to you.”
I don’t know what to say, so I stay quiet. Instead, I feign interest in the patterns on the couch, gray in the moonlight filtering through the window.
“I know what Cravath was doing here,” he says quietly. “I know he came to blackmail you with the file. And I know what’s in that file.”
My eyes snap to his. “How could you know?”
A pained expression crosses his face and he sucks in his lips and swallows hard before answering. “Because I put it together. Farnsworth hired me to watch you.”
“Oh God.” My stomach clenches so tight I can’t breathe. I scoot along the couch, away from Ray and look at him aghast.
“You followed me? You wrote those reports?” My voice rises with my distress and I push myself off the couch and cross the room, hugging myself tight. “How could you, Ray? I thought we were friends. I hired you for all my work because I thought you were…honorable and trustworthy and…the best.” Realization hits me hard. “That’s why he hired you, isn’t it? Because you’re the best.”
Ray gives me a curt nod. “I didn’t want the case. Damned worst case I’ve ever had. I’ve done things in my life that would make normal men weep. Things I’ll never be able to tell a single soul. But I could always get out of bed in the morning and look at myself in the mirror because I was hunting criminals—not just criminals, but the worst dregs of humanity. And I knew my actions would make a difference. I served my country and I was proud to do it. But this…” His voice breaks and he shakes head.
A sob rips out of my throat. Losing Jake was unbearable, but now I’m losing Ray too.
“You’re a good person, Amanda,” he says quietly. “I watched you helping your friend through her troubles with that fighter, Torment. I followed you to the battered women’s shelter and the community legal aid center and saw how much you gave of yourself to help people. I was there when you showed up at all your parents’ award ceremonies to support them even when they never once were there for you.”
“Stop, Ray.” I hold up my hands. “I don’t want to hear it. I know who I am, what you must think of me. Please…just leave.”
“I’m not leaving you like this. You’re gonna hear what I have to say and then I’ll go.”
Emotionally numb, I stare up at the ceiling and shrug. I have nothing left. No fight. No will. Nothing. I can’t feel any worse than I do now.
Tears prickle the backs of my eyes. “Fine. If you won’t look at it, I’ll tell you what it says and what it would say if it started from the beginning. It would say Amanda slept around since Cory Rissoli touched her behind the garden shed when she was fourteen, and for fifteen minutes she actually felt someone cared. And when Peter Long took her virginity when she was sixteen, she felt loved and wanted in a way she never had before. And she’s been chasing that feeling ever since.”
I pause for a breath and still Jake doesn’t move. So I keep talking about looking for love with men who wanted anything but, and I can only hope I will say something that will change his mind about walking away.
“But nothing ever lasted because sex isn’t love and love doesn’t happen if you don’t let people in. And it’s hard to let people in when your whole life the people you love have let you down. You stop believing you are worth being loved or even that you have love to give.”
“You were wrong,” he says quietly.
For a long moment we stare at each other. Finally, I hold out the file. “Take it.”
Jake shakes his head and pulls open the door to his Jeep. “I don’t care what’s in the file. What kills me is that you ever thought I would.”
***
Strung out and emotionally drained, I sit in my office and stare at my computer for hours, watching AW AW AW bounce across my screen. I bill no time, do no work, and shuffle no papers. Somewhere in the back of my mind, my body registers hunger. But of course, my microwave is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. When I finally pack up my stuff and leave my desk, I am totally unprepared to find Ray stretched out on the reception couch in the dark. “Ray. It’s two a.m. Why are you still here?”
“Waiting for you.”
My chest tightens. God, what does he think of me? All the time I spent slagging off Evil Reid only to be caught in a lip-lock with him. “What you saw…it was a mistake to start with and then things got out of hand.”
“Don’t need an explanation. I know Cravath and I know you.” He swings his legs down and pats the seat beside him. With a sigh, I join him, thankful for the dark shadows that hide my tear-stained face.
“You don’t know me as well as you think.”
He snorts a laugh. “I know you’re judging yourself and finding yourself lacking. I know you’re putting a value judgment on something that was out of your control. And I know you’re hurting because Jake took off.”
“What was he doing here…with you?”
He cuts me off with a grimace. “Stuff I know about Cravath meant I couldn’t in good conscience leave you alone with him. I dropped Penny off, made a few calls, and told the people I was supposed to meet I had an emergency and to f**king screw themselves if they didn’t change the date. Jake was just getting out of his vehicle when I arrived. Said he’d come here to talk to you.”
I don’t know what to say, so I stay quiet. Instead, I feign interest in the patterns on the couch, gray in the moonlight filtering through the window.
“I know what Cravath was doing here,” he says quietly. “I know he came to blackmail you with the file. And I know what’s in that file.”
My eyes snap to his. “How could you know?”
A pained expression crosses his face and he sucks in his lips and swallows hard before answering. “Because I put it together. Farnsworth hired me to watch you.”
“Oh God.” My stomach clenches so tight I can’t breathe. I scoot along the couch, away from Ray and look at him aghast.
“You followed me? You wrote those reports?” My voice rises with my distress and I push myself off the couch and cross the room, hugging myself tight. “How could you, Ray? I thought we were friends. I hired you for all my work because I thought you were…honorable and trustworthy and…the best.” Realization hits me hard. “That’s why he hired you, isn’t it? Because you’re the best.”
Ray gives me a curt nod. “I didn’t want the case. Damned worst case I’ve ever had. I’ve done things in my life that would make normal men weep. Things I’ll never be able to tell a single soul. But I could always get out of bed in the morning and look at myself in the mirror because I was hunting criminals—not just criminals, but the worst dregs of humanity. And I knew my actions would make a difference. I served my country and I was proud to do it. But this…” His voice breaks and he shakes head.
A sob rips out of my throat. Losing Jake was unbearable, but now I’m losing Ray too.
“You’re a good person, Amanda,” he says quietly. “I watched you helping your friend through her troubles with that fighter, Torment. I followed you to the battered women’s shelter and the community legal aid center and saw how much you gave of yourself to help people. I was there when you showed up at all your parents’ award ceremonies to support them even when they never once were there for you.”
“Stop, Ray.” I hold up my hands. “I don’t want to hear it. I know who I am, what you must think of me. Please…just leave.”
“I’m not leaving you like this. You’re gonna hear what I have to say and then I’ll go.”
Emotionally numb, I stare up at the ceiling and shrug. I have nothing left. No fight. No will. Nothing. I can’t feel any worse than I do now.
