Independent Study
Page 29
There are murmurs of agreement. I hold my breath and listen as they are cut off by the familiar voice. “The current issue with the University bracelets will be worked out. As for The Testing, worrying about the past is pointless. I have no doubt that Jedidiah will be happy with the alternative my team has come up with. The new data recorder in the bracelets will tell us if the locking mechanism on the clasp has been disturbed, and we’ll know whether the user has removed the bracelet. We will not allow the mistakes of last year’s Testing to happen again. Next time we might not get so lucky.”
Several voices offer their agreement before the speakers all bid one another good night. Footsteps echo in the lobby and fade as several people go down the hallway that leads to the back of the building. But the rustle of fabric tells me at least someone is still here.
I swallow hard and wonder what he or she is waiting for. Do they suspect that someone entered the building while they were meeting? That an unauthorized person might still be here?
When the sound of walking can no longer be heard, Professor Holt breaks the silence. “Is everything else under control? Jedidiah is concerned there is dissention in your ranks.”
“When dealing with the brightest minds, you have to expect some will question the direction we are taking.” Despite the reasonable tone, something about the voice sends a shiver up my spine. I know I’ve heard the voice before. I just can’t recall where. But as much as I want to see who it belongs to, I keep perfectly still as the man says, “Those pushing the hardest for change have been given tasks to distract them. They’ve been given a new goal that they foolishly believe I disapprove of. They think their plan will change the course of our country’s history, when in actuality, it will serve to destroy what they think they are building. Once their plans are put into action, we won’t have to worry about them anymore.”
“How can you be so sure?” Professor Holt demands.
“Because, my dear professor, they’re all going to die.”
Calm. Rational. The same tone my father employs to tell my brothers and me to help our mother with dinner. People killed. For believing something should change. Is this man talking about members of Symon’s rebellion? He must be. Their efforts have not gone unnoticed, and now some of them are in mortal danger. As I will be if this man or Professor Holt discovers me listening to their conversation. Michal needs to be warned so he can pass the news along to Symon.
I swallow hard and wrap my arms around myself as the male voice lets out a low chuckle and says, “Trust me, professor. They’ll be taken care of. Your precious University program will continue exactly as Jedidiah and you planned.”
“You’d better be right. The president—”
“The president will not be in power much longer. She just doesn’t know it. You don’t have to worry. Now, let me escort you to your vehicle. The next time we speak, I promise you will see the results we have all been working for.”
I let out a sigh as the footsteps fade. The lights blink out. A door slams shut. I force myself to sit quietly and count to one hundred, in case either of them comes back. When no one does, I grab the counter and use it to support my shaking legs as I stand. Part of me wants to search the building to see if it contains something the rebellion could use, but I doubt that they would leave anything incriminating out in the open, and the nearness of dawn makes me head for the exit.
I look through the window to make sure no one is in sight, yank open the door, and run. When I reach my bike, I jerk it from its hiding place, throw the bag over my shoulder, and ride. Pushing the pedals. Using the terror in my veins to go faster.
When my bicycle is returned to the shed, I hurry to my rooms before the rest of the residence stirs. I turn the lock behind me, lean against the door, and start to shake. On trembling legs, I walk to the bathroom with the hope that a hot shower will ease the chill running through my body. I sit on the floor of the shower and let the hot water run until my skin is pink and the room filled with steam. When I’m dry, I pull on my sleeping garments, climb under the covers, and close my eyes tight, hoping to leave the cold fear in my veins behind.
When I wake, the room is bright with light. I glance at the clock. Lunch was long ago. I should get up. I need to find Tomas to formulate a plan. But my eyes are grainy and my muscles ache. So instead, I eat an apple from my bag, curl up on the bed, and doze until dinner. Even after sleeping all day, I have to force myself to climb out from under the covers and get dressed. At dinner, I do my best to laugh, talk, and eat just like everyone else. When Ian teases me about being so overworked I don’t have time to come to meals, I laugh and admit I was up so late working that I slept most of the day. The words are easy to say since they are true.
More than once, I catch Griffin and Damone looking in my direction, but I pretend not to notice. When the meal is over, I use work as an excuse to go back to my rooms. I ache for the comfort of Tomas’s arms, but I remember Griffin’s and Damone’s watchful eyes. If I go find him, someone will report that to Professor Holt and Dr. Barnes. Tomas would end up in danger. Instead, I stay where I am, stare out the window, and watch the sky go from light to dark.
I make excuses as to why it is best for me to stay in my rooms instead of pedaling into Tosu City or to the airfield tonight. I don’t want to go alone. I don’t have a flashlight. My muscles aren’t conditioned enough to make the journey quickly. I don’t know if Michal will be in the president’s office, and I don’t have the exact coordinates of the airfield. All are true, but deep down, I recognize the real reason I cannot make the trip.
I am scared.
The Testing put my life in danger. Though I still don’t have complete memories of that time, I know I faced the fear. I survived. I should be able to do the same now. But this fear is different.
During The Testing, I had no choice but to face the terror Dr. Barnes’s challenges evoked. Last night, for the first time, it was my choice and my choice alone that put me in the path of danger.
Part of me thought I had accepted the possibility that I might be given the ultimate punishment by Dr. Barnes and his team of officials.
I was wrong.
I want to live.
As important as it is to put an end to The Testing and Dr. Barnes’s current University program, there’s a group already working toward that goal. People like Michal, who are older, more experienced, smarter. They know this city and the people who inhabit it better than I. They don’t need help from a first-year University student. Any information I might find can also be found by Symon and his team. And even if I wanted to try, it’s too late for me to make a difference. As much as I’d like to think I’m important, I’m not. I’m too inexperienced. Too untried. Too young.
Technically, my school graduation in Five Lakes marked me as an adult. But huddled on the bed with my arms wrapped tight around my body, I have never felt less worthy of the distinction. As much as I always wanted to believe my father when he said I am capable of doing anything, I know I am not. I cannot deliberately make a choice that could end my life.
I am not a leader.
I am a coward.
My sleep is filled with strange dreams. My muscles feel heavy when I wake. My appetite is gone, though I force myself to eat before biking to the president’s office. Since it is Sunday, the office hallways are mostly empty. I drop my report onto the president’s desk and immediately return to campus. No detours. No notes warning Michal and the rebels of possible danger; no stopping at Tomas’s residence to tell him what I know. No opportunity for Dr. Barnes to accuse me of behavior that marks me for Redirection.
When the next week starts, I go to classes, turn in assignments, and take tests. My teachers praise my work. I receive high marks, as do the other members of our study group. Everyone asks questions about my internship, especially those who have been assigned to internships within the Central Government Building. Despite the weight of my fear, my answers are upbeat. Yes, I met the president. Yes, I already turned in my first assignment. No, I have not heard the rumor about the change in law the president will propose on the Debate Chamber floor.
I feel Tomas stiffen next to me as I answer the last question, and when I go upstairs into the stacks to find a book about the former European Union, he follows.
“What change in law is the president going to propose?”
“I don’t know.”
Tomas put his hands on my shoulders. “The others might believe that, but they don’t understand you the way I do.” His fingers trace the outline of my jaw. “I know when you’re angry or scared. Right now you’re both. I can’t help you unless you tell me why.” When I still don’t answer, he drops his hand and asks, “Is it me?”
“No. It’s . . .” The words die in my throat as I stare into the eyes of the boy I have trusted with so many of my secrets and my heart. Do I trust him now? Yes. Despite all that has happened, I believe in him. I love him.
Quickly, I tell him about the rebellion. About the president’s upcoming challenge to Dr. Barnes, the threatened vote of confidence, and the president’s willingness to embrace violence to end The Testing and prevent her loss of power.
“According to Michal, people around the city as well as students here at the University are being armed for this conflict. Unless Symon’s rebel faction finds something to convince the Debate Chamber to vote out Dr. Barnes, people will die.”
“So will Dr. Barnes.” The cold acceptance in Tomas’s voice makes me shiver. “He deserves to pay.”
“Yes.” I slip my hand into his and squeeze tight to remind him that I am here. That despite what we have been through, we are still the people who came from Five Lakes Colony. People who believe in doing what is best for everyone. “But not like that.”
Tomas’s gray eyes look into mine. In their depths I see anger and pain, but I also see the warmth and kindness of the boy I have known since childhood. A boy who has turned into a man.
“You’re right,” he says. “As much as I want Dr. Barnes to pay for what he has done, the country can’t afford another war. I don’t think that my internship in the genetics lab will give me access to the information the president needs, but I’ll keep my ears open. You’ll do the same. If we’re lucky, Dr. Barnes will be voted out of power and The Testing will end without the rebels raising their weapons.”
“And if we aren’t lucky?” I ask.
Tomas’s hand tightens on mine. “Then we run. We can take off our bracelets on our way out of Tosu. The city will be too busy with a civil war to worry about missing University students. They’ll never bother to ask if we fled and returned home.”
Home. My parents. My brothers. A place far away from Tosu City, filled with people I know and trust. Tomas could be right. There is a chance no one will search for us. Not with a rebellion going on. We might be able to go home and use our skills to help the people we grew up with survive. Five Lakes has so little contact with Tosu City, they may not even realize a war is happening. When we tell them, they will not only understand why we returned, they will welcome us with open arms. Perhaps we can leave the past behind us and build a future without fear. Together. And when Tomas’s lips find mine, the kiss is filled with passion and the hope that even if war comes, we will survive.
The days pass. I stash extra food in my bag during meals in preparation for the journey Tomas and I may make. During the study sessions, I try to ignore the faces around the table. Stacia. Enzo. Will. Raffe. Naomy. Holt. Brick. People I am planning to leave behind if violence comes. But the hope Tomas’s plan gave me fades as guilt takes hold.
On Friday, I am assigned to work with one of the president’s officials on reading through plans for a new communication system. Here and there, I catch snatches of conversation as the president’s office prepares for the debate motion on The Testing she will soon be putting forward. Throughout the day, I watch for Michal, hoping for news that evidence to condemn Dr. Barnes has been found. I spot him as I’m leaving for the day. He looks tired as he climbs out of a skimmer behind the president and several older officials. His steps slow when he sees me. His eyes watch as the president and her team disappear inside the building, and then he signals for me to follow him around the corner.
Once we are out of sight, he dispels my hope. Tangible proof has yet to be located, and Symon is working hard to persuade the president and the other faction that patience is required to avoid perpetuating the cycle of violence.
The words I heard while hiding in the dark echo in my head. A promise of more violence.
Quickly, I tell Michal about overhearing Professor Holt and the voice that spoke of murder. When I am done, Michal tells me not to worry. Symon would know if Dr. Barnes was aware of the rebels. But he promises to pass the information along.
During a whispered study session conversation that evening, Tomas assures me that I have done my part. I have passed along the warning. Other than preparing for flight, there is nothing more either of us can do. I don’t tell him about the airfield and the answers I think could be found there, because I’m scared. I want to go home. I don’t want either of us to die.
That night, I toss and turn as I wait for sleep to come. When it does, it brings with it faces of people I don’t know. Some wear bracelets of silver. Others wear ones woven of silver and gold. Extending from each bracelet is a chain bolted to the brick wall behind them. Some hurl themselves forward, trying to get free. Others seem resigned to their fates, oblivious to the metal links binding them to the wall. One by one, they turn and notice me. Their eyes look at my wrist. Envy, anger, desire, and despair light their faces. When I glance down, I see that I am not wearing a bracelet. I am standing in a field of rich green grass that my father helped create, far away from Tosu City. I am free.
Several voices offer their agreement before the speakers all bid one another good night. Footsteps echo in the lobby and fade as several people go down the hallway that leads to the back of the building. But the rustle of fabric tells me at least someone is still here.
I swallow hard and wonder what he or she is waiting for. Do they suspect that someone entered the building while they were meeting? That an unauthorized person might still be here?
When the sound of walking can no longer be heard, Professor Holt breaks the silence. “Is everything else under control? Jedidiah is concerned there is dissention in your ranks.”
“When dealing with the brightest minds, you have to expect some will question the direction we are taking.” Despite the reasonable tone, something about the voice sends a shiver up my spine. I know I’ve heard the voice before. I just can’t recall where. But as much as I want to see who it belongs to, I keep perfectly still as the man says, “Those pushing the hardest for change have been given tasks to distract them. They’ve been given a new goal that they foolishly believe I disapprove of. They think their plan will change the course of our country’s history, when in actuality, it will serve to destroy what they think they are building. Once their plans are put into action, we won’t have to worry about them anymore.”
“How can you be so sure?” Professor Holt demands.
“Because, my dear professor, they’re all going to die.”
Calm. Rational. The same tone my father employs to tell my brothers and me to help our mother with dinner. People killed. For believing something should change. Is this man talking about members of Symon’s rebellion? He must be. Their efforts have not gone unnoticed, and now some of them are in mortal danger. As I will be if this man or Professor Holt discovers me listening to their conversation. Michal needs to be warned so he can pass the news along to Symon.
I swallow hard and wrap my arms around myself as the male voice lets out a low chuckle and says, “Trust me, professor. They’ll be taken care of. Your precious University program will continue exactly as Jedidiah and you planned.”
“You’d better be right. The president—”
“The president will not be in power much longer. She just doesn’t know it. You don’t have to worry. Now, let me escort you to your vehicle. The next time we speak, I promise you will see the results we have all been working for.”
I let out a sigh as the footsteps fade. The lights blink out. A door slams shut. I force myself to sit quietly and count to one hundred, in case either of them comes back. When no one does, I grab the counter and use it to support my shaking legs as I stand. Part of me wants to search the building to see if it contains something the rebellion could use, but I doubt that they would leave anything incriminating out in the open, and the nearness of dawn makes me head for the exit.
I look through the window to make sure no one is in sight, yank open the door, and run. When I reach my bike, I jerk it from its hiding place, throw the bag over my shoulder, and ride. Pushing the pedals. Using the terror in my veins to go faster.
When my bicycle is returned to the shed, I hurry to my rooms before the rest of the residence stirs. I turn the lock behind me, lean against the door, and start to shake. On trembling legs, I walk to the bathroom with the hope that a hot shower will ease the chill running through my body. I sit on the floor of the shower and let the hot water run until my skin is pink and the room filled with steam. When I’m dry, I pull on my sleeping garments, climb under the covers, and close my eyes tight, hoping to leave the cold fear in my veins behind.
When I wake, the room is bright with light. I glance at the clock. Lunch was long ago. I should get up. I need to find Tomas to formulate a plan. But my eyes are grainy and my muscles ache. So instead, I eat an apple from my bag, curl up on the bed, and doze until dinner. Even after sleeping all day, I have to force myself to climb out from under the covers and get dressed. At dinner, I do my best to laugh, talk, and eat just like everyone else. When Ian teases me about being so overworked I don’t have time to come to meals, I laugh and admit I was up so late working that I slept most of the day. The words are easy to say since they are true.
More than once, I catch Griffin and Damone looking in my direction, but I pretend not to notice. When the meal is over, I use work as an excuse to go back to my rooms. I ache for the comfort of Tomas’s arms, but I remember Griffin’s and Damone’s watchful eyes. If I go find him, someone will report that to Professor Holt and Dr. Barnes. Tomas would end up in danger. Instead, I stay where I am, stare out the window, and watch the sky go from light to dark.
I make excuses as to why it is best for me to stay in my rooms instead of pedaling into Tosu City or to the airfield tonight. I don’t want to go alone. I don’t have a flashlight. My muscles aren’t conditioned enough to make the journey quickly. I don’t know if Michal will be in the president’s office, and I don’t have the exact coordinates of the airfield. All are true, but deep down, I recognize the real reason I cannot make the trip.
I am scared.
The Testing put my life in danger. Though I still don’t have complete memories of that time, I know I faced the fear. I survived. I should be able to do the same now. But this fear is different.
During The Testing, I had no choice but to face the terror Dr. Barnes’s challenges evoked. Last night, for the first time, it was my choice and my choice alone that put me in the path of danger.
Part of me thought I had accepted the possibility that I might be given the ultimate punishment by Dr. Barnes and his team of officials.
I was wrong.
I want to live.
As important as it is to put an end to The Testing and Dr. Barnes’s current University program, there’s a group already working toward that goal. People like Michal, who are older, more experienced, smarter. They know this city and the people who inhabit it better than I. They don’t need help from a first-year University student. Any information I might find can also be found by Symon and his team. And even if I wanted to try, it’s too late for me to make a difference. As much as I’d like to think I’m important, I’m not. I’m too inexperienced. Too untried. Too young.
Technically, my school graduation in Five Lakes marked me as an adult. But huddled on the bed with my arms wrapped tight around my body, I have never felt less worthy of the distinction. As much as I always wanted to believe my father when he said I am capable of doing anything, I know I am not. I cannot deliberately make a choice that could end my life.
I am not a leader.
I am a coward.
My sleep is filled with strange dreams. My muscles feel heavy when I wake. My appetite is gone, though I force myself to eat before biking to the president’s office. Since it is Sunday, the office hallways are mostly empty. I drop my report onto the president’s desk and immediately return to campus. No detours. No notes warning Michal and the rebels of possible danger; no stopping at Tomas’s residence to tell him what I know. No opportunity for Dr. Barnes to accuse me of behavior that marks me for Redirection.
When the next week starts, I go to classes, turn in assignments, and take tests. My teachers praise my work. I receive high marks, as do the other members of our study group. Everyone asks questions about my internship, especially those who have been assigned to internships within the Central Government Building. Despite the weight of my fear, my answers are upbeat. Yes, I met the president. Yes, I already turned in my first assignment. No, I have not heard the rumor about the change in law the president will propose on the Debate Chamber floor.
I feel Tomas stiffen next to me as I answer the last question, and when I go upstairs into the stacks to find a book about the former European Union, he follows.
“What change in law is the president going to propose?”
“I don’t know.”
Tomas put his hands on my shoulders. “The others might believe that, but they don’t understand you the way I do.” His fingers trace the outline of my jaw. “I know when you’re angry or scared. Right now you’re both. I can’t help you unless you tell me why.” When I still don’t answer, he drops his hand and asks, “Is it me?”
“No. It’s . . .” The words die in my throat as I stare into the eyes of the boy I have trusted with so many of my secrets and my heart. Do I trust him now? Yes. Despite all that has happened, I believe in him. I love him.
Quickly, I tell him about the rebellion. About the president’s upcoming challenge to Dr. Barnes, the threatened vote of confidence, and the president’s willingness to embrace violence to end The Testing and prevent her loss of power.
“According to Michal, people around the city as well as students here at the University are being armed for this conflict. Unless Symon’s rebel faction finds something to convince the Debate Chamber to vote out Dr. Barnes, people will die.”
“So will Dr. Barnes.” The cold acceptance in Tomas’s voice makes me shiver. “He deserves to pay.”
“Yes.” I slip my hand into his and squeeze tight to remind him that I am here. That despite what we have been through, we are still the people who came from Five Lakes Colony. People who believe in doing what is best for everyone. “But not like that.”
Tomas’s gray eyes look into mine. In their depths I see anger and pain, but I also see the warmth and kindness of the boy I have known since childhood. A boy who has turned into a man.
“You’re right,” he says. “As much as I want Dr. Barnes to pay for what he has done, the country can’t afford another war. I don’t think that my internship in the genetics lab will give me access to the information the president needs, but I’ll keep my ears open. You’ll do the same. If we’re lucky, Dr. Barnes will be voted out of power and The Testing will end without the rebels raising their weapons.”
“And if we aren’t lucky?” I ask.
Tomas’s hand tightens on mine. “Then we run. We can take off our bracelets on our way out of Tosu. The city will be too busy with a civil war to worry about missing University students. They’ll never bother to ask if we fled and returned home.”
Home. My parents. My brothers. A place far away from Tosu City, filled with people I know and trust. Tomas could be right. There is a chance no one will search for us. Not with a rebellion going on. We might be able to go home and use our skills to help the people we grew up with survive. Five Lakes has so little contact with Tosu City, they may not even realize a war is happening. When we tell them, they will not only understand why we returned, they will welcome us with open arms. Perhaps we can leave the past behind us and build a future without fear. Together. And when Tomas’s lips find mine, the kiss is filled with passion and the hope that even if war comes, we will survive.
The days pass. I stash extra food in my bag during meals in preparation for the journey Tomas and I may make. During the study sessions, I try to ignore the faces around the table. Stacia. Enzo. Will. Raffe. Naomy. Holt. Brick. People I am planning to leave behind if violence comes. But the hope Tomas’s plan gave me fades as guilt takes hold.
On Friday, I am assigned to work with one of the president’s officials on reading through plans for a new communication system. Here and there, I catch snatches of conversation as the president’s office prepares for the debate motion on The Testing she will soon be putting forward. Throughout the day, I watch for Michal, hoping for news that evidence to condemn Dr. Barnes has been found. I spot him as I’m leaving for the day. He looks tired as he climbs out of a skimmer behind the president and several older officials. His steps slow when he sees me. His eyes watch as the president and her team disappear inside the building, and then he signals for me to follow him around the corner.
Once we are out of sight, he dispels my hope. Tangible proof has yet to be located, and Symon is working hard to persuade the president and the other faction that patience is required to avoid perpetuating the cycle of violence.
The words I heard while hiding in the dark echo in my head. A promise of more violence.
Quickly, I tell Michal about overhearing Professor Holt and the voice that spoke of murder. When I am done, Michal tells me not to worry. Symon would know if Dr. Barnes was aware of the rebels. But he promises to pass the information along.
During a whispered study session conversation that evening, Tomas assures me that I have done my part. I have passed along the warning. Other than preparing for flight, there is nothing more either of us can do. I don’t tell him about the airfield and the answers I think could be found there, because I’m scared. I want to go home. I don’t want either of us to die.
That night, I toss and turn as I wait for sleep to come. When it does, it brings with it faces of people I don’t know. Some wear bracelets of silver. Others wear ones woven of silver and gold. Extending from each bracelet is a chain bolted to the brick wall behind them. Some hurl themselves forward, trying to get free. Others seem resigned to their fates, oblivious to the metal links binding them to the wall. One by one, they turn and notice me. Their eyes look at my wrist. Envy, anger, desire, and despair light their faces. When I glance down, I see that I am not wearing a bracelet. I am standing in a field of rich green grass that my father helped create, far away from Tosu City. I am free.
