Infatuation
Page 37
Holy shit, what just happened?
“Kenz?” A knock at my door and Beau’s voice stirs me out of my sleep. My room is dark, the low glow of the hallway light peeks through under the bottom of the door.
“Yeah?” I call back before checking the clock.
Just after ten. I’ve barely been asleep an hour. After Beau left me standing in the kitchen highly aroused, I closed the house up, turned everything off and made my way to bed.
“Can I come in?” he asks and I roll to sit up. I quickly fix my hair and look down.
Shit, I’m still wearing his shirt.
“Ahh, yeah, come in.” I pull the cover up, hoping to hide behind it. He pushes the door open and steps inside. “Is everything okay?” I lean across to the bedside table and flick the bedside light on.
“I fucked up, darlin’. That shit out there, it wasn’t right.” He sighs, resting his shoulder against the wall.
“It’s okay, Beau. Things were heated,” I agree, wanting him to know I’m not angry or scared like he thinks I am.
“It’s not okay. It’s not me, or more than that, it’s not how I want to be when it comes to you.” He runs his fingers through his beard and I want to tell him to piss off with his sexiness. But I can’t.
I can’t because I care for him, and I can see he’s struggling with all of this.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Beau,” I offer, just as lost as him. He kind of just left me hanging out there for me to process everything alone.
“I don’t want you to say anything. I don’t want you to think about any of this. It’s the last thing you need right now.”
“Well, it’s kind of hard not to when it exists between us. Has ever since I’ve been back,” I counter, still not sure exactly how to process all this.
Did his words stir something in me? A need I didn’t know I would or could want? Yes. But if I’m honest, it also frightened me a little. I mean I’m not some blushing virgin who doesn’t know her way around her body. Yeah, I haven’t been with anyone since Chad, but before I met Chad, I had a couple of partners, each one opening me up to a new experience. But what it sounds like Beau is into, is something entirely different.
“Yeah, I know and I didn’t mean to put it on you at all. I know you have your past, and I’m a fucking idiot for thinking it would be okay to lay it on you like that. This can’t happen.” I try not to be affected by his words, but I can’t help it. In the beginning, I was this person who wouldn’t even consider what he is offering, but I’ve been working so hard not to be that broken woman anymore.
“I don’t need to be handled with kid gloves, Beau. I’m not saying what you shared didn’t affect me, but I’m not cowering away from it.”
He doesn’t say anything for a while, and I worry it’s too late.
“I’m not trying to handle you in any way, Kenzie. Clearly, we’re both feeling this, whatever this is between us. Since you showed up at the clubhouse, it’s been there. But you came to me for help, darlin’. Not for me to introduce you to my kind of kink.”
I begin to argue, but he holds his hand up, stopping me before I even begin.
“No, let me just get this out. Now, I’m not gonna lie, you’ve come to mean something to me, darlin’, and as much as I want this, I’m not prepared to go there with you. You have your own shit to deal with. Chad and getting your life back on track. This thing between us now isn’t the right time. We need to focus on the other issues and keep our heads clear.”
I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
I know he’s right. Now isn’t the time to be caught up in a relationship with Beau, regardless of how we both feel. It’s stupid to think I could handle anything right now, not with an unknown future that could come back to bite me at any time.
“You’re right, Beau. I agree,” I finally say, hating this for what it is.
“You do?” I don’t miss the change in his tone. I’m just not sure how to read it.
“Yeah. I think things are still fresh. It’s clouding our judgment. We should take a step back, focus on what’s important.”
We’re both old enough and wise enough to know this thing between us could end badly, with my past and his tastes. We shouldn’t mess anything up by forcing it.
“Well, shit. I wasn’t expecting you to agree.”
I laugh a little at his confession. Maybe an hour ago I would have argued for more, but sitting here now, I can see it. “Well, I don’t always like to push you,” I joke, hoping to break some of the bad tension still hanging around us.
“Could have fooled me.” He chuckles, the tension lifting a little.
“So we’re good. Tonight didn’t happen. We’ll just move forward and forget it.” Again.
“I think it’s for the best, darlin’.”
“Okay.” I force a smile and hope he doesn’t see through it. I honestly don’t think it’s possible to forget what happened tonight.
“Okay. Night.” He returns my smile then reaches for the door, preparing to leave. “Oh, and Mackenzie?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll be needing my shirt back,” he adds before pulling the door closed and leaving me red-faced.
“Well, it’s this or the scandalous nightgown. You choose,” I yell back, not sure if he heard me. His laugh travels through the door, but it does nothing to bring us back to where we were before.
“Kenz?” A knock at my door and Beau’s voice stirs me out of my sleep. My room is dark, the low glow of the hallway light peeks through under the bottom of the door.
“Yeah?” I call back before checking the clock.
Just after ten. I’ve barely been asleep an hour. After Beau left me standing in the kitchen highly aroused, I closed the house up, turned everything off and made my way to bed.
“Can I come in?” he asks and I roll to sit up. I quickly fix my hair and look down.
Shit, I’m still wearing his shirt.
“Ahh, yeah, come in.” I pull the cover up, hoping to hide behind it. He pushes the door open and steps inside. “Is everything okay?” I lean across to the bedside table and flick the bedside light on.
“I fucked up, darlin’. That shit out there, it wasn’t right.” He sighs, resting his shoulder against the wall.
“It’s okay, Beau. Things were heated,” I agree, wanting him to know I’m not angry or scared like he thinks I am.
“It’s not okay. It’s not me, or more than that, it’s not how I want to be when it comes to you.” He runs his fingers through his beard and I want to tell him to piss off with his sexiness. But I can’t.
I can’t because I care for him, and I can see he’s struggling with all of this.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Beau,” I offer, just as lost as him. He kind of just left me hanging out there for me to process everything alone.
“I don’t want you to say anything. I don’t want you to think about any of this. It’s the last thing you need right now.”
“Well, it’s kind of hard not to when it exists between us. Has ever since I’ve been back,” I counter, still not sure exactly how to process all this.
Did his words stir something in me? A need I didn’t know I would or could want? Yes. But if I’m honest, it also frightened me a little. I mean I’m not some blushing virgin who doesn’t know her way around her body. Yeah, I haven’t been with anyone since Chad, but before I met Chad, I had a couple of partners, each one opening me up to a new experience. But what it sounds like Beau is into, is something entirely different.
“Yeah, I know and I didn’t mean to put it on you at all. I know you have your past, and I’m a fucking idiot for thinking it would be okay to lay it on you like that. This can’t happen.” I try not to be affected by his words, but I can’t help it. In the beginning, I was this person who wouldn’t even consider what he is offering, but I’ve been working so hard not to be that broken woman anymore.
“I don’t need to be handled with kid gloves, Beau. I’m not saying what you shared didn’t affect me, but I’m not cowering away from it.”
He doesn’t say anything for a while, and I worry it’s too late.
“I’m not trying to handle you in any way, Kenzie. Clearly, we’re both feeling this, whatever this is between us. Since you showed up at the clubhouse, it’s been there. But you came to me for help, darlin’. Not for me to introduce you to my kind of kink.”
I begin to argue, but he holds his hand up, stopping me before I even begin.
“No, let me just get this out. Now, I’m not gonna lie, you’ve come to mean something to me, darlin’, and as much as I want this, I’m not prepared to go there with you. You have your own shit to deal with. Chad and getting your life back on track. This thing between us now isn’t the right time. We need to focus on the other issues and keep our heads clear.”
I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
I know he’s right. Now isn’t the time to be caught up in a relationship with Beau, regardless of how we both feel. It’s stupid to think I could handle anything right now, not with an unknown future that could come back to bite me at any time.
“You’re right, Beau. I agree,” I finally say, hating this for what it is.
“You do?” I don’t miss the change in his tone. I’m just not sure how to read it.
“Yeah. I think things are still fresh. It’s clouding our judgment. We should take a step back, focus on what’s important.”
We’re both old enough and wise enough to know this thing between us could end badly, with my past and his tastes. We shouldn’t mess anything up by forcing it.
“Well, shit. I wasn’t expecting you to agree.”
I laugh a little at his confession. Maybe an hour ago I would have argued for more, but sitting here now, I can see it. “Well, I don’t always like to push you,” I joke, hoping to break some of the bad tension still hanging around us.
“Could have fooled me.” He chuckles, the tension lifting a little.
“So we’re good. Tonight didn’t happen. We’ll just move forward and forget it.” Again.
“I think it’s for the best, darlin’.”
“Okay.” I force a smile and hope he doesn’t see through it. I honestly don’t think it’s possible to forget what happened tonight.
“Okay. Night.” He returns my smile then reaches for the door, preparing to leave. “Oh, and Mackenzie?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll be needing my shirt back,” he adds before pulling the door closed and leaving me red-faced.
“Well, it’s this or the scandalous nightgown. You choose,” I yell back, not sure if he heard me. His laugh travels through the door, but it does nothing to bring us back to where we were before.
