Infraction
Page 21
“Grand.” Nathan’s voice was curt, his eyes glaring, hackles up.
“I’m… fuck, I don’t know.” I shook my head.
“I know this a little scary but –”
“Big f**king understatement, Doc,” Nathan blurted out.
Darren chuckled. He understood. He knew us both. There was no guessing.
“Okay, so you’re not happy to be here with me, I get that. Relax. We’re all here to help each other, and you should consider me a friend, not a doctor to dissect you and break apart everything you say until you’re internally bleeding.” I released a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding at his statement. Darren gave a kind smile in return. “I want you both to realize I will never allow you to leave our sessions if you’re feeling upset. All you have to do is say you’re not okay, and we won’t stop until you’re feeling better.”
Nathan gave a tug at my hand and tucked my arm under his, pulling me closer in a protective manner. “I’ve done this before, couples counseling, and it’s…not pleasant.”
My brows shot up. He did this with Grace? I always had the impression they had a blissful marriage, so why couples therapy?
He turned to me a little and whispered, “When she kept miscarrying, we went through a rough patch, and I wasn’t always as sensitive as I should have been.”
I nodded and leaned into him to show my support.
“Nobody’s here to blame anyone, Nathan. In fact, I don’t even want you to think that word. Blame is a way of shifting unpleasant feelings. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are, and we can accept all feelings no matter what they are. Remember that. Feelings aren’t wrong. If you can take that in, it will free you up. You’ll be surprised at how liberating that one little motto can be.”
Darren shifted his gaze to me next. “Do you remember what your biggest emotional reaction was when you were in the hospital a few weeks ago, before the accident?”
“Yes, I –”
He cut me off quickly. “I don’t need you to tell me or relive it for now. We’ll get to that in time, but I want you to think about what happened afterward.”
I nodded, even though I couldn’t for the life of me remember what did happen, except that Darren was there for me after I freaked out about someone calling my dad.
“You can’t remember very well, can you?”
“No.” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
It was disconcerting to feel like someone else knew me better than I knew myself. He seemed to have an unfair advantage. Nathan looked puzzled.
“The reason you can’t remember is because when you go into parataxic distortion, things become that – distorted. You can’t think clearly, your emotions become the sole focus, and your head gets fuzzy. Memory is skewed and off. So, even if you do remember, you won’t see it for what it was. You might see the person who offended you as monstrous, or hideous, or being out to get you, when that may not be accurate at all.” He grabbed a file from his bag.
I swallowed hard. What had I said to him? I was nervous to think I might have been out of my ever-loving mind.
Darren smiled at me in a reassuring gesture. “I see here you fired one of the nurses and told her to get the hell out of your sight for even saying your father’s first name.”
I what?
My fingers felt ice cold, and so did my toes. It was like all my circulation was congregated in my chest. I had no recollection of that interaction at all.
He was waiting for a response, and I was hesitant. “I…don’t remember that.”
“It’s okay. Sometimes our mind also blocks stuff out when we’re in this mode. It’s an act of self-preservation; to protect yourself.”
“What does this have to do with anything?” Nathan asked, sounding frustrated.
“I’m pointing this out to both of you because your memories might be much worse than what actually happened.”
“Fuck that and f**k y– ” Nathan began, but was cut off by Darren’s hand going up in a defensive gesture.
“I’m not trying to downplay what happened to either of you, just trying to help you gain a different perspective. At first, some people find it’s easier to detach a little emotionally, to get some of their emotions out of the way. Once you’ve sorted through your shit, sorry for the slip, but after that, after you can lay it all out on the table, you then go back and figure out how you feel about all of it. Then you deal with it, but only after seeing the truth of what it was.”
I remembered his parataxic distortion speech before. He was rehashing it but in a less detailed, lecturing manner.
“Nathan, when you hurt Lila on the day of the anniversary of your wife’s death, you didn’t mean to do that to her, did you?”
“Absolutely not. I was sick with myself when I realized what I’d done.”
I ran soothing circles on Nathan’s hand. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind anymore that he hadn’t meant to hurt me. I was never angry with what he did to me physically; it was the rejection that stung.
“And you didn’t remember much of it because you were in a heightened level of distortion. Lila didn’t realize you were in such a state, otherwise she might have treaded a bit lighter and not offered herself to you in that way.” Darren cleared his throat. I could tell things were already going to head in an ugly direction. Bracing myself for the accusations, I shut my eyes and held them closed. “Lila, you need to hear this. Open your eyes, please.”
I refused. The session was already hurting too much. I didn’t think I could take hearing I was the reason Nathan was worse instead of better.
“I’m fine,” Nathan whispered in my ear, like he was reading my mind.
I shook my head. “You’re not fine. I made you do that. If I’d left you alone like you asked me to, we wouldn’t even be here.”
“Yes, we would. We need this, and that day wasn’t the only problem. It was us being tipped over the edge we’d been clinging to by our fingertips. We are both far from okay, and if it led us here, then I’m sorry, but I’m almost glad it happened. For the first time in four years, I want to get better, I have a reason to get better. I want you to get better, too. I want to be with you.”
I opened my eyes and felt a shift in the room. They were both looking at me, but it was different somehow. They didn’t pity me, or coddle me. It was a look of adoration and appreciation, almost like they were confident I would get through this with flying colors. They made me feel brave, strong.
“I’m… fuck, I don’t know.” I shook my head.
“I know this a little scary but –”
“Big f**king understatement, Doc,” Nathan blurted out.
Darren chuckled. He understood. He knew us both. There was no guessing.
“Okay, so you’re not happy to be here with me, I get that. Relax. We’re all here to help each other, and you should consider me a friend, not a doctor to dissect you and break apart everything you say until you’re internally bleeding.” I released a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding at his statement. Darren gave a kind smile in return. “I want you both to realize I will never allow you to leave our sessions if you’re feeling upset. All you have to do is say you’re not okay, and we won’t stop until you’re feeling better.”
Nathan gave a tug at my hand and tucked my arm under his, pulling me closer in a protective manner. “I’ve done this before, couples counseling, and it’s…not pleasant.”
My brows shot up. He did this with Grace? I always had the impression they had a blissful marriage, so why couples therapy?
He turned to me a little and whispered, “When she kept miscarrying, we went through a rough patch, and I wasn’t always as sensitive as I should have been.”
I nodded and leaned into him to show my support.
“Nobody’s here to blame anyone, Nathan. In fact, I don’t even want you to think that word. Blame is a way of shifting unpleasant feelings. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are, and we can accept all feelings no matter what they are. Remember that. Feelings aren’t wrong. If you can take that in, it will free you up. You’ll be surprised at how liberating that one little motto can be.”
Darren shifted his gaze to me next. “Do you remember what your biggest emotional reaction was when you were in the hospital a few weeks ago, before the accident?”
“Yes, I –”
He cut me off quickly. “I don’t need you to tell me or relive it for now. We’ll get to that in time, but I want you to think about what happened afterward.”
I nodded, even though I couldn’t for the life of me remember what did happen, except that Darren was there for me after I freaked out about someone calling my dad.
“You can’t remember very well, can you?”
“No.” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
It was disconcerting to feel like someone else knew me better than I knew myself. He seemed to have an unfair advantage. Nathan looked puzzled.
“The reason you can’t remember is because when you go into parataxic distortion, things become that – distorted. You can’t think clearly, your emotions become the sole focus, and your head gets fuzzy. Memory is skewed and off. So, even if you do remember, you won’t see it for what it was. You might see the person who offended you as monstrous, or hideous, or being out to get you, when that may not be accurate at all.” He grabbed a file from his bag.
I swallowed hard. What had I said to him? I was nervous to think I might have been out of my ever-loving mind.
Darren smiled at me in a reassuring gesture. “I see here you fired one of the nurses and told her to get the hell out of your sight for even saying your father’s first name.”
I what?
My fingers felt ice cold, and so did my toes. It was like all my circulation was congregated in my chest. I had no recollection of that interaction at all.
He was waiting for a response, and I was hesitant. “I…don’t remember that.”
“It’s okay. Sometimes our mind also blocks stuff out when we’re in this mode. It’s an act of self-preservation; to protect yourself.”
“What does this have to do with anything?” Nathan asked, sounding frustrated.
“I’m pointing this out to both of you because your memories might be much worse than what actually happened.”
“Fuck that and f**k y– ” Nathan began, but was cut off by Darren’s hand going up in a defensive gesture.
“I’m not trying to downplay what happened to either of you, just trying to help you gain a different perspective. At first, some people find it’s easier to detach a little emotionally, to get some of their emotions out of the way. Once you’ve sorted through your shit, sorry for the slip, but after that, after you can lay it all out on the table, you then go back and figure out how you feel about all of it. Then you deal with it, but only after seeing the truth of what it was.”
I remembered his parataxic distortion speech before. He was rehashing it but in a less detailed, lecturing manner.
“Nathan, when you hurt Lila on the day of the anniversary of your wife’s death, you didn’t mean to do that to her, did you?”
“Absolutely not. I was sick with myself when I realized what I’d done.”
I ran soothing circles on Nathan’s hand. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind anymore that he hadn’t meant to hurt me. I was never angry with what he did to me physically; it was the rejection that stung.
“And you didn’t remember much of it because you were in a heightened level of distortion. Lila didn’t realize you were in such a state, otherwise she might have treaded a bit lighter and not offered herself to you in that way.” Darren cleared his throat. I could tell things were already going to head in an ugly direction. Bracing myself for the accusations, I shut my eyes and held them closed. “Lila, you need to hear this. Open your eyes, please.”
I refused. The session was already hurting too much. I didn’t think I could take hearing I was the reason Nathan was worse instead of better.
“I’m fine,” Nathan whispered in my ear, like he was reading my mind.
I shook my head. “You’re not fine. I made you do that. If I’d left you alone like you asked me to, we wouldn’t even be here.”
“Yes, we would. We need this, and that day wasn’t the only problem. It was us being tipped over the edge we’d been clinging to by our fingertips. We are both far from okay, and if it led us here, then I’m sorry, but I’m almost glad it happened. For the first time in four years, I want to get better, I have a reason to get better. I want you to get better, too. I want to be with you.”
I opened my eyes and felt a shift in the room. They were both looking at me, but it was different somehow. They didn’t pity me, or coddle me. It was a look of adoration and appreciation, almost like they were confident I would get through this with flying colors. They made me feel brave, strong.
