Inside Out
Page 92
“So what makes it complicated?”
“Dude, your wife is in a hospital room right now. You have your own problems. Don’t sweat it.”
“Andy, we’ve been friends since before we had our permanent teeth. If that’s not worth sweating over, I don’t know what is. Erin is going to be fine. This is my mantra. I should have Brody ink it on my arm so I can look at it over and over. But she is, she will be and so will Alexander. Spill.”
He took a deep breath and began to talk. “How do you get past the fear? Do you feel it?”
Brody nodded. “Hell yes. My god, when we didn’t know if those f**kers would be successful at taking Rennie from Elise? I wanted to howl. I wanted to tear shit up. I wanted to fly to New York, find them, and beat them bloody. I knew Elise would fall apart if that happened, and I knew what my life would be like without that kid too. I knew what it would be to see this woman I adore lose that child. And I wondered if I would be enough if that were the case. Enough to keep her living with a purpose. And then I got sort of pissed about it, because why shouldn’t I be first? Why wouldn’t I be enough? Was I enough? Was I good enough? What if she looked at me really closely, what if she saw that I was so not worthy, and she left?”
Cope didn’t know why, but hearing that made him feel better, even just a little bit. Maybe it was knowing he wasn’t alone.
“During all that stuff, Raven was doing her thing. Being a bitch, but needing to be loved, and I’d been her friend forever and she was one of my people. But damn it, she was trying to mess with my girls, and I had to choose.”
Brody stood and began to pace. “That’s when I sort of knew I was f**ked.” He barked a laugh. “Because I did, and I would again. And because I did it knowing Elise would be first for me always, even if I messed up and she walked away. Rennie and Elise are mine. Mine in a way that comforts me, fills me up, thrills me and scares the ever living crap out of me. Jesus, these two ladies mean everything, and what if I mess it up? What would I do without them?”
“What if Erin dies on the delivery table? It would be my fault because I wanted a baby with her so bad. Ben and I wanted a family with Erin, wanted a child to fill the house with laughter. But we have laughter now. So in my greed, what if I’ve made the worst mistake in my life, and I lose them both?” Todd leaned back. “Christ, I want a cigarette.”
“So is that what’s making things complicated? You broke up with her because you’re afraid she’ll walk away?” Brody asked.
“We didn’t break up. But this fear, seeing my brother who is the strongest guy I know reduced to tears because of how much he loves Erin, that hit me. I’m not that strong. Maybe it’s a sign she and I aren’t meant to be, if I can’t take that last step. I told her this morning, essentially that I was freaked out and unsure. She told me to figure it out. Told me a lot more than that actually, but the gist is: Don’t call me again until you’ve got your shit together because I’m worth it. And she’s right. She is.”
“So you’re going to let a woman like Ella go because why? I’m not getting it. I mean, I get the fear part. That’s what broke Erin and me up the first time. And we know how that turned out. Ten years of being unhappy and uncomfortable because I was meant to be with the one woman who challenged me on every level, even as she got me. Accepted all of me, the darkness, the broken stuff, the uneven edges. Do you know what that’s worth, Andy? Fitting with someone in a way no one else will?
“I’ve seen you two together. Even before you finally manned up and asked her out. But since then you two fit. She’s amazing. Beautiful. Strong. She works hard, and she looks at you and sees you. I’ve met the chicks you were with before. Not a single one saw the whole of you. Even I forget about it sometimes because you wear the smiling Cope façade so much.”
“She told me she wanted all of me. Cope, Andy and Andrew. I suppose part of me has used Cope to hide behind. It’s easier that way. She challenges me to be more. I have never been challenged this way. What if I fail? What if I give it my all and it still doesn’t work and she walks away and I’m alone?”
“That’s the rub isn’t it? I mean, here we’ve got this awesome thing. This woman who we’d give anything for, but the thing we have to give is, well everything. You have to figure out if she’s worth the work. Because I can’t lie and tell you it’s easy to be with someone. Even someone you adore. Marriage is hard work. There’s a balance there where things run on their own without much effort, but you have to do maintenance or it will break down. You have to expose yourself, ask someone else for their blood, sweat and tears and give your own. It leaves you laid bare and inside out, Andrew. And that’s what makes it so good. That’s love, man. That’s love and part of what makes it so awesome is the level of real, true intimacy, and the risk you take by opening yourself up that way to someone who has the power to gut you.”
Brody sat across from them. “That’s it really, in a nutshell. So I guess the question here, Andrew Copeland, is do you have the balls? Because love is a go big or go home sort of thing. You can’t sort of love someone. You can’t caveat love. You do it, you make the effort and you live without a net sometimes. Thrilling and terrifying and I wouldn’t have it any other way. “
Todd sat forward, clasping his hands between his knees. “I think the question is, can you live without her? Watch her fall in love with someone else? See her bring him to our events and stuff? She, Erin and Elise are tight, so the reality is, that’s what will happen. You’ll see some other dude get what you could have had. If the fear of some random thing happening in the future is bigger than the reality of her being with another guy, walk away now when it’ll merely sort of kill you to do it. But you can’t have this doubt between you. Man up. Love her the way she deserves it, or let another man do it.”
“Dude, your wife is in a hospital room right now. You have your own problems. Don’t sweat it.”
“Andy, we’ve been friends since before we had our permanent teeth. If that’s not worth sweating over, I don’t know what is. Erin is going to be fine. This is my mantra. I should have Brody ink it on my arm so I can look at it over and over. But she is, she will be and so will Alexander. Spill.”
He took a deep breath and began to talk. “How do you get past the fear? Do you feel it?”
Brody nodded. “Hell yes. My god, when we didn’t know if those f**kers would be successful at taking Rennie from Elise? I wanted to howl. I wanted to tear shit up. I wanted to fly to New York, find them, and beat them bloody. I knew Elise would fall apart if that happened, and I knew what my life would be like without that kid too. I knew what it would be to see this woman I adore lose that child. And I wondered if I would be enough if that were the case. Enough to keep her living with a purpose. And then I got sort of pissed about it, because why shouldn’t I be first? Why wouldn’t I be enough? Was I enough? Was I good enough? What if she looked at me really closely, what if she saw that I was so not worthy, and she left?”
Cope didn’t know why, but hearing that made him feel better, even just a little bit. Maybe it was knowing he wasn’t alone.
“During all that stuff, Raven was doing her thing. Being a bitch, but needing to be loved, and I’d been her friend forever and she was one of my people. But damn it, she was trying to mess with my girls, and I had to choose.”
Brody stood and began to pace. “That’s when I sort of knew I was f**ked.” He barked a laugh. “Because I did, and I would again. And because I did it knowing Elise would be first for me always, even if I messed up and she walked away. Rennie and Elise are mine. Mine in a way that comforts me, fills me up, thrills me and scares the ever living crap out of me. Jesus, these two ladies mean everything, and what if I mess it up? What would I do without them?”
“What if Erin dies on the delivery table? It would be my fault because I wanted a baby with her so bad. Ben and I wanted a family with Erin, wanted a child to fill the house with laughter. But we have laughter now. So in my greed, what if I’ve made the worst mistake in my life, and I lose them both?” Todd leaned back. “Christ, I want a cigarette.”
“So is that what’s making things complicated? You broke up with her because you’re afraid she’ll walk away?” Brody asked.
“We didn’t break up. But this fear, seeing my brother who is the strongest guy I know reduced to tears because of how much he loves Erin, that hit me. I’m not that strong. Maybe it’s a sign she and I aren’t meant to be, if I can’t take that last step. I told her this morning, essentially that I was freaked out and unsure. She told me to figure it out. Told me a lot more than that actually, but the gist is: Don’t call me again until you’ve got your shit together because I’m worth it. And she’s right. She is.”
“So you’re going to let a woman like Ella go because why? I’m not getting it. I mean, I get the fear part. That’s what broke Erin and me up the first time. And we know how that turned out. Ten years of being unhappy and uncomfortable because I was meant to be with the one woman who challenged me on every level, even as she got me. Accepted all of me, the darkness, the broken stuff, the uneven edges. Do you know what that’s worth, Andy? Fitting with someone in a way no one else will?
“I’ve seen you two together. Even before you finally manned up and asked her out. But since then you two fit. She’s amazing. Beautiful. Strong. She works hard, and she looks at you and sees you. I’ve met the chicks you were with before. Not a single one saw the whole of you. Even I forget about it sometimes because you wear the smiling Cope façade so much.”
“She told me she wanted all of me. Cope, Andy and Andrew. I suppose part of me has used Cope to hide behind. It’s easier that way. She challenges me to be more. I have never been challenged this way. What if I fail? What if I give it my all and it still doesn’t work and she walks away and I’m alone?”
“That’s the rub isn’t it? I mean, here we’ve got this awesome thing. This woman who we’d give anything for, but the thing we have to give is, well everything. You have to figure out if she’s worth the work. Because I can’t lie and tell you it’s easy to be with someone. Even someone you adore. Marriage is hard work. There’s a balance there where things run on their own without much effort, but you have to do maintenance or it will break down. You have to expose yourself, ask someone else for their blood, sweat and tears and give your own. It leaves you laid bare and inside out, Andrew. And that’s what makes it so good. That’s love, man. That’s love and part of what makes it so awesome is the level of real, true intimacy, and the risk you take by opening yourself up that way to someone who has the power to gut you.”
Brody sat across from them. “That’s it really, in a nutshell. So I guess the question here, Andrew Copeland, is do you have the balls? Because love is a go big or go home sort of thing. You can’t sort of love someone. You can’t caveat love. You do it, you make the effort and you live without a net sometimes. Thrilling and terrifying and I wouldn’t have it any other way. “
Todd sat forward, clasping his hands between his knees. “I think the question is, can you live without her? Watch her fall in love with someone else? See her bring him to our events and stuff? She, Erin and Elise are tight, so the reality is, that’s what will happen. You’ll see some other dude get what you could have had. If the fear of some random thing happening in the future is bigger than the reality of her being with another guy, walk away now when it’ll merely sort of kill you to do it. But you can’t have this doubt between you. Man up. Love her the way she deserves it, or let another man do it.”
