It Ain't Me, Babe
Page 2
Noticing she was uncomfortable, I pointed to the forest floor, indicating we should sit. She nodded her head, lowered her eyes and slowly, painfully, dropped to her knees.
She didn’t make a sound. Hoping for another miracle, I inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly. “Wh-what i-is this p-p-p-place? D-d-do you… l-l-live h-here?” I stuttered, occasionally pausing and thinking through my words as I struggled to push them out. A wave of excitement washed through my stomach… I was talking… again!
Her eyes focused on my mouth, but she still kept quiet. Her black eyebrows were pulled tight and her pink lips were pursed in concentration. I knew she was wondering why I talked funny; everyone always did. She would be wondering why I stuttered. I didn’t know. I just always had. Gave up trying to fix it years ago. I talked with my hands now. Didn’t like being laughed at for having a stammer… but she wasn’t laughing at me… not even a little bit. She just looked, well, confused.
As I glanced down in embarrassment, I noticed her hands were right next to her side of the fence, only inches from mine. Without thinking, I reached through and ran my finger across her knuckles. I just wanted to touch her, make sure she was real. Her skin looked so soft.
With a gasp, she snapped her hand back as if my touch were fire and she cradled it next to her chest.
“I-I-I w-won’t h-hurt y-you,” I croaked as quickly as I could force out, worried about the terror on her face… a face that was the same shape as a heart. I didn’t want her to be scared of me. My pop told me that folks needed to fear me, had to distrust me so I’d be safe. Most folks in my world, I knew, would see my signing as a weakness, so my pop told me I had to toughen up and use my fists instead of words. Now folks just thought I was dangerous. Like Ky said, I was born to be feared: the Hangmen Mute.
But right now I wished more than anything that I could trade all that in just to know how to talk right. I didn’t want her to be afraid of me. Not the chick with the blue eyes—blue eyes the color of a wolf’s.
Sitting back in a trance, her wolf eyes drew me in. She looked like a ghost—no, a goddess—like the paintings on the wall at compound. Like the goddess Persephone, wife of Hades, the underworld God the Hangmen wore on their patch.
With a flicker of movement, the chick brought her shaking hand forward to the fence; the ice-blue and white flecks in her irises never broke my gaze, the whites bright as she stared at me.
I stayed completely still. The girl was like a frightened rabbit and I didn’t want to spook her. I’d never seen no one like her, my hands were getting damp and my heart was beating real fast.
Nervously, she ran a fingertip along my hand, a pink blush bursting on her cheeks. I fought to breathe, the too-fast thumping of my heart making me lose focus.
Bending my index finger, I hooked it softly ’round hers and pressed my forehead against the hard mesh wire.
The girl pursed her slightly parted pink lips and wiggled the tip of her nose. I stopped breathing… She was beautiful.
“C-come cl-cl-cl-closer,” I whispered, a hint of desperation in my voice.
Her nose twitched again and I smiled. “Y-you’re so-so b-b-beautiful,” I blurted out, biting my lip as an afterthought. My fists clenched as I grew more and more frustrated with my speech.
She frowned and shook her head and I realized she could understand me. I so badly wanted her to talk back to me.
“Wh-wh-why are y-y-you out h-here a-all a-alone?” The girl began to tremble, the whites of her eyes seeming to take over the blue.
She looked so lost and I wondered what made her that way. I wanted her to feel better, wanted that look on her pretty face to change from sadness to happiness. I didn’t know what to do.
Suddenly, I thought of the brothers at the club and how they made the club bitches happy. Before I knew what happened, I quickly leaned in and pressed my lips against hers through the tiny open space of the wire mesh.
Her lips were so soft.
I didn’t move my mouth, unaware of what to do, so I just left my lips locked on hers. I peeked open my eyes and her lids were squeezed tight. I closed my eyes immediately, hoping the moment would last a while longer.
Lifting my hand, I ran my finger slowly down her face, but she pulled away with a gasp. She stumbled back on her hands wiping furiously at her mouth, tears tumbling down her cheeks.
Fear overtook me and I blurted, “I’m… I’m… I’m… s… s… s—” I stopped and hit my hand against the fence, cursing God that I couldn’t ever speak properly. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and tried to speak again. “I-I’m s-sorry… s-s-sorry, I-I-I d-d-didn’t m-mean t-to sc-sc-scare you,” I managed to force out.
She curled herself beside the tree again, her gray dress loose on her tiny body and her hands clasped tight as she silently mouthed something. It sounded like a prayer. I listened closer as she rocked back and forth, tears springing from her eyes. “Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned. Do unto me what ye deem fit. Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned. I was weak and must atone.”
“T-talk to m… m… m-me. A-are you okay?” I asked loudly, my voice growing stronger as I shook the fence, trying to find some way to get through to her. I didn’t understand it, but for some reason I needed to hold her. I knew I needed to make things right. She was so sad… so scared… I hated it.
The girl grew still, hushed to silence, and just watched me again.
“River? Where the f**k are you?” My pop’s deep voice cut me from my trance as he called me back from deep in the forest.
I dropped my head in my hands.
Not now, not now!
Straining my head back to the girl, I rushed out, “T-tell me y-your n-n-name.” I was desperate and I glanced over my shoulder, watching Pop stomp through the edge of the forest in the distance, searching for me.
“Puh… puh… p-please… a n-name… an-an-anything…”
The chick rocked faster, her pale lips moving once again in her prayer.
“River! You have five seconds to get the f**k down here! Don’t f**kin’ test me!”
“A n-name! I’m be-be-begging you!”
The chick stopped dead still, looked up at me—no, she looked through me—her blue eyes weirdly wide, and whispered, “My name is Sin. We are all sin.”
She choked on her words, expelling a frightened whimper as she heard my pop screaming from the bottom of the hill. Ducking into the heavy bush, she scrambled away on her hands and knees, suddenly crying out loudly as though in pain again.
She didn’t make a sound. Hoping for another miracle, I inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly. “Wh-what i-is this p-p-p-place? D-d-do you… l-l-live h-here?” I stuttered, occasionally pausing and thinking through my words as I struggled to push them out. A wave of excitement washed through my stomach… I was talking… again!
Her eyes focused on my mouth, but she still kept quiet. Her black eyebrows were pulled tight and her pink lips were pursed in concentration. I knew she was wondering why I talked funny; everyone always did. She would be wondering why I stuttered. I didn’t know. I just always had. Gave up trying to fix it years ago. I talked with my hands now. Didn’t like being laughed at for having a stammer… but she wasn’t laughing at me… not even a little bit. She just looked, well, confused.
As I glanced down in embarrassment, I noticed her hands were right next to her side of the fence, only inches from mine. Without thinking, I reached through and ran my finger across her knuckles. I just wanted to touch her, make sure she was real. Her skin looked so soft.
With a gasp, she snapped her hand back as if my touch were fire and she cradled it next to her chest.
“I-I-I w-won’t h-hurt y-you,” I croaked as quickly as I could force out, worried about the terror on her face… a face that was the same shape as a heart. I didn’t want her to be scared of me. My pop told me that folks needed to fear me, had to distrust me so I’d be safe. Most folks in my world, I knew, would see my signing as a weakness, so my pop told me I had to toughen up and use my fists instead of words. Now folks just thought I was dangerous. Like Ky said, I was born to be feared: the Hangmen Mute.
But right now I wished more than anything that I could trade all that in just to know how to talk right. I didn’t want her to be afraid of me. Not the chick with the blue eyes—blue eyes the color of a wolf’s.
Sitting back in a trance, her wolf eyes drew me in. She looked like a ghost—no, a goddess—like the paintings on the wall at compound. Like the goddess Persephone, wife of Hades, the underworld God the Hangmen wore on their patch.
With a flicker of movement, the chick brought her shaking hand forward to the fence; the ice-blue and white flecks in her irises never broke my gaze, the whites bright as she stared at me.
I stayed completely still. The girl was like a frightened rabbit and I didn’t want to spook her. I’d never seen no one like her, my hands were getting damp and my heart was beating real fast.
Nervously, she ran a fingertip along my hand, a pink blush bursting on her cheeks. I fought to breathe, the too-fast thumping of my heart making me lose focus.
Bending my index finger, I hooked it softly ’round hers and pressed my forehead against the hard mesh wire.
The girl pursed her slightly parted pink lips and wiggled the tip of her nose. I stopped breathing… She was beautiful.
“C-come cl-cl-cl-closer,” I whispered, a hint of desperation in my voice.
Her nose twitched again and I smiled. “Y-you’re so-so b-b-beautiful,” I blurted out, biting my lip as an afterthought. My fists clenched as I grew more and more frustrated with my speech.
She frowned and shook her head and I realized she could understand me. I so badly wanted her to talk back to me.
“Wh-wh-why are y-y-you out h-here a-all a-alone?” The girl began to tremble, the whites of her eyes seeming to take over the blue.
She looked so lost and I wondered what made her that way. I wanted her to feel better, wanted that look on her pretty face to change from sadness to happiness. I didn’t know what to do.
Suddenly, I thought of the brothers at the club and how they made the club bitches happy. Before I knew what happened, I quickly leaned in and pressed my lips against hers through the tiny open space of the wire mesh.
Her lips were so soft.
I didn’t move my mouth, unaware of what to do, so I just left my lips locked on hers. I peeked open my eyes and her lids were squeezed tight. I closed my eyes immediately, hoping the moment would last a while longer.
Lifting my hand, I ran my finger slowly down her face, but she pulled away with a gasp. She stumbled back on her hands wiping furiously at her mouth, tears tumbling down her cheeks.
Fear overtook me and I blurted, “I’m… I’m… I’m… s… s… s—” I stopped and hit my hand against the fence, cursing God that I couldn’t ever speak properly. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and tried to speak again. “I-I’m s-sorry… s-s-sorry, I-I-I d-d-didn’t m-mean t-to sc-sc-scare you,” I managed to force out.
She curled herself beside the tree again, her gray dress loose on her tiny body and her hands clasped tight as she silently mouthed something. It sounded like a prayer. I listened closer as she rocked back and forth, tears springing from her eyes. “Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned. Do unto me what ye deem fit. Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned. I was weak and must atone.”
“T-talk to m… m… m-me. A-are you okay?” I asked loudly, my voice growing stronger as I shook the fence, trying to find some way to get through to her. I didn’t understand it, but for some reason I needed to hold her. I knew I needed to make things right. She was so sad… so scared… I hated it.
The girl grew still, hushed to silence, and just watched me again.
“River? Where the f**k are you?” My pop’s deep voice cut me from my trance as he called me back from deep in the forest.
I dropped my head in my hands.
Not now, not now!
Straining my head back to the girl, I rushed out, “T-tell me y-your n-n-name.” I was desperate and I glanced over my shoulder, watching Pop stomp through the edge of the forest in the distance, searching for me.
“Puh… puh… p-please… a n-name… an-an-anything…”
The chick rocked faster, her pale lips moving once again in her prayer.
“River! You have five seconds to get the f**k down here! Don’t f**kin’ test me!”
“A n-name! I’m be-be-begging you!”
The chick stopped dead still, looked up at me—no, she looked through me—her blue eyes weirdly wide, and whispered, “My name is Sin. We are all sin.”
She choked on her words, expelling a frightened whimper as she heard my pop screaming from the bottom of the hill. Ducking into the heavy bush, she scrambled away on her hands and knees, suddenly crying out loudly as though in pain again.
