It Ain't Me, Babe
Page 68
“That is where you are mistaken, Rider,” I rasped out, my voice small.
His brows furrowed. “How? How am I mistaken?”
“I have been Styx’s since I was eight years old.”
His breathing calmed down. “What? How—”
“I met him years ago, only briefly, but it was enough. Our fate was sealed from that day on.”
He exhaled in shock. “He found the commune? Where? How?”
I nodded my head. “He found us by mistake, but I believe I was meant to meet him that day.”
Rider shook his head as though shielding himself from that truth. As he stepped forward, I retreated until my back hit the wall.
I had nowhere else to go.
Rider leaned in against me, still naked, eyes blazing. “I don’t care what happened years ago. I don’t care if the brother speaks to you or you think you share some childhood connection. I want you right now. Forget the past! I want to be with you, Mae.”
My palms pressed against his hard, bare chest, but he refused to move. Rider towered above me, pouring his heart out. All I could offer in return was to break it more with every pain-filled confession. His tongue snaked out and licked along his lips, and my heart began to pound. If it were not for Styx, I would be drawn to Rider, no doubt. If it were not for Styx, I would fall for Rider. But Styx was my life… he was my heart.
“I am so sorry, Rider, but I can—” I did not get the chance to finish my sentence before Rider’s lips smashed against mine. His hands held my face in a vise-like grip and I struggled to move. His beard hair brushed against my skin and, unable to break away, I resolved to let him have this. Let him have me this way only.
Just this once.
His tongue probed my lips open and I could taste liquor in his mouth. My tears dropped freely from my eyes as his touch deepened, his soft beard growing wet. I did not return the kiss, but still, he did not stop.
His hips pressed against mine, urging me to respond, his length hard against my stomach. I could not give anything in return. I just stood and let him have his way. Eventually, he pulled away and I could see clearly the guttering hurt in his expression as he stared me down.
“Mae… I feel like I can’t breathe anymore,” he confessed, his voice tight. “I watch you watch him with that look on your face. The look you have only for Prez.” He peered up at me, face sullen—a little boy lost. “Why can’t you look at me like that?”
Lord, the pain behind those words…
My chest heaved with the gut-wrenching sobs leaving my body. “I do not know, Rider. Please, I am not trying to hurt you. But I cannot see you this way, it is breaking my heart.”
He stopped dead. “You are hurting me, Mae and I can’t stand it anymore! If I have to sit in one more meeting with Prez, knowing he was in your pu**y only minutes before, I’m gonna go insane. If I have to ride out with him anymore, him chasing road just to get back into your arms, I’m fixin’ to explode! This is my goddamn home and I ain’t got nowhere else to go.”
He carefully approached and began wiping at my tears. “But I can’t be here with you and him.” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. A strange expression flitted across his face. “Styx ain’t got no future, Mae. If you stay with him, only trouble will find you.”
“What do you mean by that?” I asked suspiciously.
His emotional walls went up immediately. “He’s a man wanted by a lotta folks. He’s on borrowed time, Mae. He has no future. You do… I do.”
“Rider, stop it!” I yelled.
Rider stumbled away. “I can’t stay here with you and him no more. If you’ve made your choice… I’m smoke.”
I gripped his wrist and pulled his palm to my face. He sucked in a breath. “I do not want you to go.”
“Why?” he demanded as he moved in and pressed his forehead to mine. I could smell that woodsy soap on his skin… it made me feel so safe. Rider had always made me feel safe. But all we did of late was rip each other to shreds.
“Because I will miss you,” I answered honestly.
He sighed long and hard through his nose. “It’s not enough, Mae. That’s not nearly enough.”
“I know, but I had to try…” I sniffed through my sobs.
Rider’s hand shook as he pressed a chaste kiss to my head. “I love you. How could I not? You’re perfect,” he whispered, his graveled voice almost inaudible. Warm breath blew in my ear and he whispered, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of all is love.” My heart melted as he quoted my favorite Bible verse. Then my heart broke because I knew this was Rider’s farewell.
“Please tell me you will be safe. Tell me you will be happy,” I urged through a tightening throat.
His nose ran along my jaw and pressed into my hair. He inhaled and whispered, “I’ll never be happy without you, Mae. Fuck. Why him? He’s gonna lead you straight to hell.”
“Is that so, motherfucker?”
The click of a gun loading froze us both.
Rider’s brown eyes met mine and I began to shake in fear. Closing his eyes, Rider backed away from our place against the wall and the barrel of a handgun greeted his head. I glanced over my shoulder to see Styx stood behind, with Ky beside him. I had never seen Styx look so angry before. His hazel eyes were flat and dead as he glared at Rider. Rider, who was naked—I had forgotten he was without clothes. This had not been about sex. It never had been with Rider. This was about giving my best friend closure. It was about letting him go.
“Styx, keep Mae outta this,” Rider said firmly.
Styx’s eyes narrowed as they met mine. Hurt was evident in his stare.
“Styx. Please. It is not what you think,” I begged, blood draining from my face at the sight of Ky’s gun pointing at Rider’s head.
“Then you better explain, sugar. And do it damn fast.” I glanced up at Ky; he was equally pissed. Rider had gone against a brother, a mortal sin in the Hangmen world.
“Styx… baby,” I pleaded, catching Rider’s flinch at my soothing tone to Styx. Styx rewarded Rider’s reaction with a swift hit to the back of his head with his fist.
“Styx, I came in here to help Rider. He has been finding things hard lately. I was worried about him,” I said in panic.
His brows furrowed. “How? How am I mistaken?”
“I have been Styx’s since I was eight years old.”
His breathing calmed down. “What? How—”
“I met him years ago, only briefly, but it was enough. Our fate was sealed from that day on.”
He exhaled in shock. “He found the commune? Where? How?”
I nodded my head. “He found us by mistake, but I believe I was meant to meet him that day.”
Rider shook his head as though shielding himself from that truth. As he stepped forward, I retreated until my back hit the wall.
I had nowhere else to go.
Rider leaned in against me, still naked, eyes blazing. “I don’t care what happened years ago. I don’t care if the brother speaks to you or you think you share some childhood connection. I want you right now. Forget the past! I want to be with you, Mae.”
My palms pressed against his hard, bare chest, but he refused to move. Rider towered above me, pouring his heart out. All I could offer in return was to break it more with every pain-filled confession. His tongue snaked out and licked along his lips, and my heart began to pound. If it were not for Styx, I would be drawn to Rider, no doubt. If it were not for Styx, I would fall for Rider. But Styx was my life… he was my heart.
“I am so sorry, Rider, but I can—” I did not get the chance to finish my sentence before Rider’s lips smashed against mine. His hands held my face in a vise-like grip and I struggled to move. His beard hair brushed against my skin and, unable to break away, I resolved to let him have this. Let him have me this way only.
Just this once.
His tongue probed my lips open and I could taste liquor in his mouth. My tears dropped freely from my eyes as his touch deepened, his soft beard growing wet. I did not return the kiss, but still, he did not stop.
His hips pressed against mine, urging me to respond, his length hard against my stomach. I could not give anything in return. I just stood and let him have his way. Eventually, he pulled away and I could see clearly the guttering hurt in his expression as he stared me down.
“Mae… I feel like I can’t breathe anymore,” he confessed, his voice tight. “I watch you watch him with that look on your face. The look you have only for Prez.” He peered up at me, face sullen—a little boy lost. “Why can’t you look at me like that?”
Lord, the pain behind those words…
My chest heaved with the gut-wrenching sobs leaving my body. “I do not know, Rider. Please, I am not trying to hurt you. But I cannot see you this way, it is breaking my heart.”
He stopped dead. “You are hurting me, Mae and I can’t stand it anymore! If I have to sit in one more meeting with Prez, knowing he was in your pu**y only minutes before, I’m gonna go insane. If I have to ride out with him anymore, him chasing road just to get back into your arms, I’m fixin’ to explode! This is my goddamn home and I ain’t got nowhere else to go.”
He carefully approached and began wiping at my tears. “But I can’t be here with you and him.” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. A strange expression flitted across his face. “Styx ain’t got no future, Mae. If you stay with him, only trouble will find you.”
“What do you mean by that?” I asked suspiciously.
His emotional walls went up immediately. “He’s a man wanted by a lotta folks. He’s on borrowed time, Mae. He has no future. You do… I do.”
“Rider, stop it!” I yelled.
Rider stumbled away. “I can’t stay here with you and him no more. If you’ve made your choice… I’m smoke.”
I gripped his wrist and pulled his palm to my face. He sucked in a breath. “I do not want you to go.”
“Why?” he demanded as he moved in and pressed his forehead to mine. I could smell that woodsy soap on his skin… it made me feel so safe. Rider had always made me feel safe. But all we did of late was rip each other to shreds.
“Because I will miss you,” I answered honestly.
He sighed long and hard through his nose. “It’s not enough, Mae. That’s not nearly enough.”
“I know, but I had to try…” I sniffed through my sobs.
Rider’s hand shook as he pressed a chaste kiss to my head. “I love you. How could I not? You’re perfect,” he whispered, his graveled voice almost inaudible. Warm breath blew in my ear and he whispered, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of all is love.” My heart melted as he quoted my favorite Bible verse. Then my heart broke because I knew this was Rider’s farewell.
“Please tell me you will be safe. Tell me you will be happy,” I urged through a tightening throat.
His nose ran along my jaw and pressed into my hair. He inhaled and whispered, “I’ll never be happy without you, Mae. Fuck. Why him? He’s gonna lead you straight to hell.”
“Is that so, motherfucker?”
The click of a gun loading froze us both.
Rider’s brown eyes met mine and I began to shake in fear. Closing his eyes, Rider backed away from our place against the wall and the barrel of a handgun greeted his head. I glanced over my shoulder to see Styx stood behind, with Ky beside him. I had never seen Styx look so angry before. His hazel eyes were flat and dead as he glared at Rider. Rider, who was naked—I had forgotten he was without clothes. This had not been about sex. It never had been with Rider. This was about giving my best friend closure. It was about letting him go.
“Styx, keep Mae outta this,” Rider said firmly.
Styx’s eyes narrowed as they met mine. Hurt was evident in his stare.
“Styx. Please. It is not what you think,” I begged, blood draining from my face at the sight of Ky’s gun pointing at Rider’s head.
“Then you better explain, sugar. And do it damn fast.” I glanced up at Ky; he was equally pissed. Rider had gone against a brother, a mortal sin in the Hangmen world.
“Styx… baby,” I pleaded, catching Rider’s flinch at my soothing tone to Styx. Styx rewarded Rider’s reaction with a swift hit to the back of his head with his fist.
“Styx, I came in here to help Rider. He has been finding things hard lately. I was worried about him,” I said in panic.
