It Must Be Your Love
Page 24
“If that guy existed, you’d have married him.”
She shot back, “I didn’t marry you.”
“You didn’t marry me because I was an idiot. And if I thought there was a chance in hell that you’d say yes to marrying me now, I’d drag you out to have Marcus’s mother marry us in the middle of this vineyard with your whole family here to be a part of it.”
He watched Mia’s beautiful, full lips open slightly in shock. “Stop it! Stop saying things like that to me.”
On Friday, he hadn’t come close to saying everything he needed to. Today, he’d risk it all, including his pride.
“You’re right that setting myself up as your anonymous buyer was the wrong thing to do. It was pulling my same old bullshit. But I wanted to come to Nicola’s wedding long before I knew you were related to Marcus.” She looked surprised at his admissions, and when she didn’t immediately shut him down again, he hoped she was finally ready to believe that what he was saying was true. “I’m a changed man, Mia. And hopefully I’ve learned enough this time around to admit when I’m wrong, when I’ve screwed up…and to try not to repeat the same mistakes I made five years ago.”
But, clearly, these admissions weren’t enough, because she shook her head and took a step back from him. “I can’t do this again, Ford. I just can’t.”
“Tell me why. Tell me why you can’t believe that I love you. Tell me why you won’t believe that I never stopped loving you. Tell me why you won’t listen when I tell you that I’m sorry for what I did five years ago, so damned sorry that I’ve replayed what an idiot I was in my head at least a thousand times.”
Ford hadn’t just fallen for Mia because she was beautiful and made him laugh. He’d fallen in love with her strength.
Strength that she now used to make sure she didn’t let him in.
“Miami was—” She took a breath so deep it shook her chest. “It was horrible. Walking in on you backstage with that stranger touching you was like being stuck in a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.”
“Mia.” He started to reach for her to soothe away the remnants of that nightmare, but she quickly put up a hand to stop him.
“You said you wanted to know why, and I can’t get my brain to work right when you’re touching me.”
Filing that accidental admission away for later, Ford said, “I do want to know why. I can’t stand to see you standing here in pain and know that I did that to you.”
“Don’t give yourself too much credit, rock star. Like I said, I was young and stupid and willing to believe in fantasies that could never be real.”
“I hadn’t touched anyone else in that week after I left Seattle. And that girl in Miami, I swear she didn’t mean anything to me.”
“Wow, a whole week without a groupie in your bed,” she said in a sarcastic tone. “Do you think that makes what you did any better? Do you think that makes you less of a jerk?”
“No, I don’t. Not anymore. Back then, I was an immature kid who dug his heels in and backed himself into a corner and tried to tell himself he was right about what he’d done for way, way too long.” Ford let out a harsh breath. “But now I know that I never should have left you with an ultimatum that you were either all in or it meant you were out.”
“So you do know what you did.”
“Now I do,” he told her, “but back then, when you didn’t jump at the chance to go on tour with me, I was sure it meant you didn’t love me the way I loved you.”
“You asked me to give up everything in my life, and barely gave me fifteen minutes to say yes and pack and get on the bus.” Her eyes flashed with hurt. “You acted like your life was the only one that was important. That my family, my career, my own dreams were just a footnote to the Ford Vincent show and I was supposed to feel lucky to be a part of it.”
“Everything I thought I wanted was coming to me, fast and easy and on a silver platter. Fame. Money. Recognition. And then, out of the blue, there you were. I’m not telling you this to make excuses. There are none for what I did or for how long I tried to convince myself that I was right. But I need you to know that I would never ask you to make a decision like that again.”
“Okay,” she said slowly, the very first time yet that she’d actually seemed to take in one of his apologies. “But it wasn’t just seeing the naked girl on your lap that hurt me. And it was more than the way you belittled my career and life in Seattle. You hurt me, Ford.”
“How?”
But he knew how, didn’t he? Because when she’d given him an opening to change in the tower house on Friday morning, he hadn’t taken it. And when she sighed this time, he sensed that she’d let down most of her walls. She didn’t seem to be particularly angry with him anymore, and the sarcasm was gone now, too.
But disappointment remained.
Unfortunately, he knew from personal experience with his parents that disappointment wasn’t a step up from angry. It was a wound that went so much deeper.
“So many of my cousins have fallen in love this year,” she told him. “My brother Rafe, too. I’ve only watched from the sidelines, but something I’ve seen over and over again with each of them is that they trust each other. With everything, especially the parts of themselves that they’ve never been brave enough to share with anyone else. I know you and I were young, and I’m not saying you weren’t in a crazy position with your career and personal life all zooming up in the same moment, but even though you said you loved me, you never shared any more of yourself with me than you did with your fans every night from the stage.”
He knew it hadn’t been any easier for her to say all of this to him than it was for him to hear it. “If you’ll give me another chance, Mia, I promise I won’t screw up this time.”
“I—” Her eyes were big and clearly conflicted, but then he watched them fill with a sad determination. “I’m sorry, Ford. I think it’s great that we’ve finally cleared the past. And I want you to know that I forgive you for everything that happened five years ago, even for the way you blindsided me at the tower house on Friday, and then again today during the ceremony. But it’s time for me to move on with my life.” She paused and looked him directly in the eye. “Without you.”
She shot back, “I didn’t marry you.”
“You didn’t marry me because I was an idiot. And if I thought there was a chance in hell that you’d say yes to marrying me now, I’d drag you out to have Marcus’s mother marry us in the middle of this vineyard with your whole family here to be a part of it.”
He watched Mia’s beautiful, full lips open slightly in shock. “Stop it! Stop saying things like that to me.”
On Friday, he hadn’t come close to saying everything he needed to. Today, he’d risk it all, including his pride.
“You’re right that setting myself up as your anonymous buyer was the wrong thing to do. It was pulling my same old bullshit. But I wanted to come to Nicola’s wedding long before I knew you were related to Marcus.” She looked surprised at his admissions, and when she didn’t immediately shut him down again, he hoped she was finally ready to believe that what he was saying was true. “I’m a changed man, Mia. And hopefully I’ve learned enough this time around to admit when I’m wrong, when I’ve screwed up…and to try not to repeat the same mistakes I made five years ago.”
But, clearly, these admissions weren’t enough, because she shook her head and took a step back from him. “I can’t do this again, Ford. I just can’t.”
“Tell me why. Tell me why you can’t believe that I love you. Tell me why you won’t believe that I never stopped loving you. Tell me why you won’t listen when I tell you that I’m sorry for what I did five years ago, so damned sorry that I’ve replayed what an idiot I was in my head at least a thousand times.”
Ford hadn’t just fallen for Mia because she was beautiful and made him laugh. He’d fallen in love with her strength.
Strength that she now used to make sure she didn’t let him in.
“Miami was—” She took a breath so deep it shook her chest. “It was horrible. Walking in on you backstage with that stranger touching you was like being stuck in a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.”
“Mia.” He started to reach for her to soothe away the remnants of that nightmare, but she quickly put up a hand to stop him.
“You said you wanted to know why, and I can’t get my brain to work right when you’re touching me.”
Filing that accidental admission away for later, Ford said, “I do want to know why. I can’t stand to see you standing here in pain and know that I did that to you.”
“Don’t give yourself too much credit, rock star. Like I said, I was young and stupid and willing to believe in fantasies that could never be real.”
“I hadn’t touched anyone else in that week after I left Seattle. And that girl in Miami, I swear she didn’t mean anything to me.”
“Wow, a whole week without a groupie in your bed,” she said in a sarcastic tone. “Do you think that makes what you did any better? Do you think that makes you less of a jerk?”
“No, I don’t. Not anymore. Back then, I was an immature kid who dug his heels in and backed himself into a corner and tried to tell himself he was right about what he’d done for way, way too long.” Ford let out a harsh breath. “But now I know that I never should have left you with an ultimatum that you were either all in or it meant you were out.”
“So you do know what you did.”
“Now I do,” he told her, “but back then, when you didn’t jump at the chance to go on tour with me, I was sure it meant you didn’t love me the way I loved you.”
“You asked me to give up everything in my life, and barely gave me fifteen minutes to say yes and pack and get on the bus.” Her eyes flashed with hurt. “You acted like your life was the only one that was important. That my family, my career, my own dreams were just a footnote to the Ford Vincent show and I was supposed to feel lucky to be a part of it.”
“Everything I thought I wanted was coming to me, fast and easy and on a silver platter. Fame. Money. Recognition. And then, out of the blue, there you were. I’m not telling you this to make excuses. There are none for what I did or for how long I tried to convince myself that I was right. But I need you to know that I would never ask you to make a decision like that again.”
“Okay,” she said slowly, the very first time yet that she’d actually seemed to take in one of his apologies. “But it wasn’t just seeing the naked girl on your lap that hurt me. And it was more than the way you belittled my career and life in Seattle. You hurt me, Ford.”
“How?”
But he knew how, didn’t he? Because when she’d given him an opening to change in the tower house on Friday morning, he hadn’t taken it. And when she sighed this time, he sensed that she’d let down most of her walls. She didn’t seem to be particularly angry with him anymore, and the sarcasm was gone now, too.
But disappointment remained.
Unfortunately, he knew from personal experience with his parents that disappointment wasn’t a step up from angry. It was a wound that went so much deeper.
“So many of my cousins have fallen in love this year,” she told him. “My brother Rafe, too. I’ve only watched from the sidelines, but something I’ve seen over and over again with each of them is that they trust each other. With everything, especially the parts of themselves that they’ve never been brave enough to share with anyone else. I know you and I were young, and I’m not saying you weren’t in a crazy position with your career and personal life all zooming up in the same moment, but even though you said you loved me, you never shared any more of yourself with me than you did with your fans every night from the stage.”
He knew it hadn’t been any easier for her to say all of this to him than it was for him to hear it. “If you’ll give me another chance, Mia, I promise I won’t screw up this time.”
“I—” Her eyes were big and clearly conflicted, but then he watched them fill with a sad determination. “I’m sorry, Ford. I think it’s great that we’ve finally cleared the past. And I want you to know that I forgive you for everything that happened five years ago, even for the way you blindsided me at the tower house on Friday, and then again today during the ceremony. But it’s time for me to move on with my life.” She paused and looked him directly in the eye. “Without you.”
