Jagged
Page 31
“Babe, you’re my Zara, my cookie, so f**k yeah, I’ve been bidin’ my time, givin’ you space to sort your head out, but waitin’ to get you back, as in”—his hand slid up to cup my jaw and his face dipped closer—“back.”
Was he serious? Two months… no seven, if you counted when he came back after hatchet man got to him, I’d been in misery and he’d been waiting to get me back?
I felt my eyes narrow.
“Last night, you rolled off me and didn’t say a word about a chat before you went to the bathroom,” I reminded him.
“Zara, what we shared, so good, so hot, so close, us bein’ back to us, didn’t feel I needed to say a word,” he replied.
Was he for real? “Back to us” and he didn’t feel he needed to say a word?
“Well, you did,” I stated.
“I see that now,” he returned.
Okay, then, time for a different subject.
“You said you didn’t want my body,” I accused.
“I lied, Zara. Fuck, when have I ever not wanted in there?” he asked, a question that had one answer, that being never. But he didn’t give me the chance to give that answer, he kept talking. “I would have said anything to get you out of that shithole, get you safe, and get you with me.”
“You lied?” I asked.
“I lied,” Ham answered.
“Lied?” My voice was getting higher.
“Asked and answered, darlin’,” he clipped.
“So you thought it was a good idea to lie,” I noted unhappily.
“Babe, I came to you, we almost instantly got up in each other’s shit. You had a lot you were dealin’ with and one of those things didn’t need to be me. You weren’t lettin’ anyone do anything for you. You needed time to deal. I wanted you with me. I did what I had to do to give you that and make that happen for me.”
My head gave a jerk as what he said tardily hit me.
“You wanted me with you?”
He was beginning to look impatient.
“You’ve known me years. I ever go back?” he asked.
“Go back to what?”
“Go back anywhere.”
“Ham—”
“I don’t go back,” he declared.
“I don’t get—”
“Now I’m back in Gnaw Bone, back at The Dog, babe, why do you think that is?”
I didn’t speak. I was back to staring.
Because I knew why I wanted that to be.
I just rarely got what I wanted.
Then Graham Reece finally gave me what I wanted.
“Because you’re here.”
“Holy shit,” I whispered.
He stopped looking impatient, his eyes warmed, his face went soft, and his lips twitched.
But, “Yeah,” was all he said.
This was too much. Too fast. Too good.
I didn’t know if I ever had good.
Well, my shop, Karma, was good and the four months I had of Ham years ago were good. Not to mention the times in between with Ham. Those were good, too.
But I’d never had good.
“I don’t know what to do with this,” I told him quietly.
“First thing you’re gonna do is, after we f**k, stay in my goddamned bed for more than five seconds. Next thing you’re gonna do will happen tomorrow and that’s you movin’ your shit in here because here’s where you’re gonna be sleepin’ from now on. And after that, I don’t know.” He shrugged and concluded, “We’ll wing it.”
We’d wing it?
Yes, this was too much and it was too fast.
There were things to be said.
“Ham, you… we… when you… that is when we—”
His lips twitched again before he urged, “Spit it out, darlin’.”
“I can’t go back.”
There was no lip twitch then. His hand slid to my neck, palm at my throat, fingers digging in the side.
“Cookie,” he whispered.
I shook my head. “I want that but I can’t have it because it’s not what I really want. We’ve always been honest so I have to lay it out so you know where I’m at.” I took in a deep breath that was nevertheless shaky and laid it out. “I barely survived walking away from you. I couldn’t handle you walking away from me.”
Strangely his face got a mixture of hard and soft, his eyes warm and sharp before he stated, “Zara, you’re not paying attention.”
He was wrong. I so totally was. I was paying so much attention, if I paid more, my head would explode.
“I am, Ham. You said it yourself. You have issues with women. You’re a rolling stone. You—”
I stopped speaking when he rolled into a seated position, back to headboard, taking me with him so I was straddling his lap, my torso pressed close.
He had one arm clamped tight around my waist and he had sifted the other hand into my hair and was cupping the back of my head.
“I’m here,” he stated.
“I know you are, but—”
“Baby, please be quiet for a bit and listen to me,” he requested gently.
I shut my mouth.
“I’m here, Zara, as in, I intend to stay here. I own a TV. A bed. Bought f**kin’ nightstands, a dresser, and lamps. This is it. This is where I wanna be. It’s where I wanna be because I like the people, I like the work, I like the bar where I work, all in God’s country. But this is mostly where I wanna be because you’re here.”
Now that was not too fast.
That took a long f**king time.
“Oh my God,” I breathed.
I wanted to believe that. I would have paid him to give me that. I would have sold my soul to the devil to have that.
But after wanting it for so long and never having it, I couldn’t believe in it.
Fortune seemed finally to be shining on me because Ham wasn’t done.
“Baby, a man lives his life runnin’ from history, hopin’ it doesn’t catch up and repeat itself, goes to sleep one night, opens his eyes in the dark to a man wielding an ax, suddenly findin’ himself facin’ an end that’s a fair bit worse than most, a footnote to a far uglier piece of history, I’ve told you before, he reflects. I also told you I did that. And you haven’t paid attention but I’m not just a bartender anymore. I’m a manager. I got responsibilities and I gave promises of longevity. I can’t put everything I own in my truck and move on.” His fingers tensed against my scalp. “Darlin’, I’m settling. What you didn’t know, what I was keepin’ back ’til the right time, that time bein’ now, was, I’m doin’ it with you.”
Was he serious? Two months… no seven, if you counted when he came back after hatchet man got to him, I’d been in misery and he’d been waiting to get me back?
I felt my eyes narrow.
“Last night, you rolled off me and didn’t say a word about a chat before you went to the bathroom,” I reminded him.
“Zara, what we shared, so good, so hot, so close, us bein’ back to us, didn’t feel I needed to say a word,” he replied.
Was he for real? “Back to us” and he didn’t feel he needed to say a word?
“Well, you did,” I stated.
“I see that now,” he returned.
Okay, then, time for a different subject.
“You said you didn’t want my body,” I accused.
“I lied, Zara. Fuck, when have I ever not wanted in there?” he asked, a question that had one answer, that being never. But he didn’t give me the chance to give that answer, he kept talking. “I would have said anything to get you out of that shithole, get you safe, and get you with me.”
“You lied?” I asked.
“I lied,” Ham answered.
“Lied?” My voice was getting higher.
“Asked and answered, darlin’,” he clipped.
“So you thought it was a good idea to lie,” I noted unhappily.
“Babe, I came to you, we almost instantly got up in each other’s shit. You had a lot you were dealin’ with and one of those things didn’t need to be me. You weren’t lettin’ anyone do anything for you. You needed time to deal. I wanted you with me. I did what I had to do to give you that and make that happen for me.”
My head gave a jerk as what he said tardily hit me.
“You wanted me with you?”
He was beginning to look impatient.
“You’ve known me years. I ever go back?” he asked.
“Go back to what?”
“Go back anywhere.”
“Ham—”
“I don’t go back,” he declared.
“I don’t get—”
“Now I’m back in Gnaw Bone, back at The Dog, babe, why do you think that is?”
I didn’t speak. I was back to staring.
Because I knew why I wanted that to be.
I just rarely got what I wanted.
Then Graham Reece finally gave me what I wanted.
“Because you’re here.”
“Holy shit,” I whispered.
He stopped looking impatient, his eyes warmed, his face went soft, and his lips twitched.
But, “Yeah,” was all he said.
This was too much. Too fast. Too good.
I didn’t know if I ever had good.
Well, my shop, Karma, was good and the four months I had of Ham years ago were good. Not to mention the times in between with Ham. Those were good, too.
But I’d never had good.
“I don’t know what to do with this,” I told him quietly.
“First thing you’re gonna do is, after we f**k, stay in my goddamned bed for more than five seconds. Next thing you’re gonna do will happen tomorrow and that’s you movin’ your shit in here because here’s where you’re gonna be sleepin’ from now on. And after that, I don’t know.” He shrugged and concluded, “We’ll wing it.”
We’d wing it?
Yes, this was too much and it was too fast.
There were things to be said.
“Ham, you… we… when you… that is when we—”
His lips twitched again before he urged, “Spit it out, darlin’.”
“I can’t go back.”
There was no lip twitch then. His hand slid to my neck, palm at my throat, fingers digging in the side.
“Cookie,” he whispered.
I shook my head. “I want that but I can’t have it because it’s not what I really want. We’ve always been honest so I have to lay it out so you know where I’m at.” I took in a deep breath that was nevertheless shaky and laid it out. “I barely survived walking away from you. I couldn’t handle you walking away from me.”
Strangely his face got a mixture of hard and soft, his eyes warm and sharp before he stated, “Zara, you’re not paying attention.”
He was wrong. I so totally was. I was paying so much attention, if I paid more, my head would explode.
“I am, Ham. You said it yourself. You have issues with women. You’re a rolling stone. You—”
I stopped speaking when he rolled into a seated position, back to headboard, taking me with him so I was straddling his lap, my torso pressed close.
He had one arm clamped tight around my waist and he had sifted the other hand into my hair and was cupping the back of my head.
“I’m here,” he stated.
“I know you are, but—”
“Baby, please be quiet for a bit and listen to me,” he requested gently.
I shut my mouth.
“I’m here, Zara, as in, I intend to stay here. I own a TV. A bed. Bought f**kin’ nightstands, a dresser, and lamps. This is it. This is where I wanna be. It’s where I wanna be because I like the people, I like the work, I like the bar where I work, all in God’s country. But this is mostly where I wanna be because you’re here.”
Now that was not too fast.
That took a long f**king time.
“Oh my God,” I breathed.
I wanted to believe that. I would have paid him to give me that. I would have sold my soul to the devil to have that.
But after wanting it for so long and never having it, I couldn’t believe in it.
Fortune seemed finally to be shining on me because Ham wasn’t done.
“Baby, a man lives his life runnin’ from history, hopin’ it doesn’t catch up and repeat itself, goes to sleep one night, opens his eyes in the dark to a man wielding an ax, suddenly findin’ himself facin’ an end that’s a fair bit worse than most, a footnote to a far uglier piece of history, I’ve told you before, he reflects. I also told you I did that. And you haven’t paid attention but I’m not just a bartender anymore. I’m a manager. I got responsibilities and I gave promises of longevity. I can’t put everything I own in my truck and move on.” His fingers tensed against my scalp. “Darlin’, I’m settling. What you didn’t know, what I was keepin’ back ’til the right time, that time bein’ now, was, I’m doin’ it with you.”
