Jake Understood
Page 63
“She did.”
“The last thing he said to me before his eyes closed—the very last thing—was ‘take care of my sister.’”
He continued to speak. And I let him.
“I never had a problem with you before she moved into the apartment all those years ago. You know that. After she started hanging out with you, she changed. Nina was happy for the first time since Jimmy died. You were able to get her to overcome some of those stupid fears. I hated that you were able to do something that I couldn’t. The way I saw it, Jimmy had left me with one responsibility, and I’d failed. I started to really resent you. But more than anything, I was afraid that if you hurt her, she was going to be worse than she was before. You still there?”
“Yes.”
“After your marriage to Ivy came out, I became more convinced that I needed to get Nina away from you. Even though the circumstances were unique, I still felt that the whole thing was a recipe for disaster and that she deserved better. When she found out she was pregnant, I truly believed that she was only staying with you because she was afraid to be alone. Soon after that, Tarah moved out and left me when she figured out my obsession with Nina. I confessed to her about some of the things I’d done to try to keep you and Nina apart. So, I had nothing to lose. After your son was born, during the week Nina was staying at her parents’ house, I gave it one last college try. My folks had told me that she was really unhappy. I didn’t realize it was the postpartum depression. So, I went to her and told her I loved her and that if she wanted to leave you, I’d take care of her. I didn’t understand the depth of her feelings for you. Do you know what she told me?”
My voice was barely audible. “What?”
“She told me that even though she felt lost and didn’t even really know who she was anymore, the only thing she was sure of in life was how much she loved you. She told me her best hope for me was that I would someday get to experience that kind of soul deep love with someone. Looking back, it’s clear to me that I didn’t love her that way at all. I’d been trying to win a competition for her. It wasn’t until I met Lisa that I understood the kind of love you and Nina have. I know now that I could have never torn you two apart. When you truly love someone, it’s indestructible.”
“Yeah…”
“So, once again, I need to tell you how sorry I am. I was wrong. Nina and you always belonged together. Jimmy told me to take care of her. But he changed his mind and sent a better man instead.”
I closed my eyes. I needed to get my wife home.
“Go back to your baby,” I said.
“Are we okay again?”
“I’m not sure. But I probably won’t smash your face in.”
“I’ll take that for now.”
“Good night, Ryan.”
I hung up before he could respond.
I lay back on the bed to compose my thoughts before dialing Nina. Ryan’s words ran through my head. He sent a better man instead. It was doubtful that Nina was feeling that way about me right now.
I reached over to the nightstand and lifted a picture of Nina and me taken on a Gondola ride in Venice during our honeymoon. The smile on her face was difficult to take in right now, knowing she was somewhere trying to get away from me, that she was likely thinking about all of the ways I hadn’t put her first.
I shuddered.
The sounds of my family and friends talking in the next room seemed miles away.
Forcing myself up, I decided to head to the master bath to splash some water on my face before returning to the living room.
The water cooled my skin but didn’t calm me down.
As I wiped my face, a pink box in the small garbage can caught my eye. It was the discarded packaging of a pregnancy test.
I started to feel lightheaded as I bent to pick it up. This was officially my first clue as to what caused Nina to lose it last night. There was no sign of a test stick itself. The box said it included three tests, but the trash came up empty.
I ignored everyone as I bolted through the living room and into the other bathroom where there was nothing in the trash but one of A.J’s empty juice boxes. A search of the kitchen garbage also turned up nothing. Not one pregnancy test showed up in the entire house even though the box was empty.
Feeling distraught, I stood in the kitchen, leaning against the granite countertop with my head in my hands. I didn’t have to guess what happened. I knew.
We’d taken countless tests together over the past few years, all negative. Each time was more difficult than the last. My fear was that Nina went through that experience alone last night while I was stuck at the hospital, and that fueled her anger toward me.
We’d recently talked about going to see a fertility specialist, but Nina had been scared to go on any drugs. We were supposed to be discussing it again soon now that she’d finished nursing school.
The vibration of the phone in my pocket startled me. Nina’s name lit up on the screen. My heartbeat felt like excruciating waves thrashing against the walls of my chest.
“Nina.”
“Hi.”
“Where are you?”
“I’m at a diner downtown.”
“A diner? What are you doing there?”
“I came here to think.”
“Have you been there all day?”
“No.”
“What have you been doing?”
“At first, I honestly just wandered around aimlessly.”
Cedric walked into the kitchen to check on me. “Everything alright?”
“The last thing he said to me before his eyes closed—the very last thing—was ‘take care of my sister.’”
He continued to speak. And I let him.
“I never had a problem with you before she moved into the apartment all those years ago. You know that. After she started hanging out with you, she changed. Nina was happy for the first time since Jimmy died. You were able to get her to overcome some of those stupid fears. I hated that you were able to do something that I couldn’t. The way I saw it, Jimmy had left me with one responsibility, and I’d failed. I started to really resent you. But more than anything, I was afraid that if you hurt her, she was going to be worse than she was before. You still there?”
“Yes.”
“After your marriage to Ivy came out, I became more convinced that I needed to get Nina away from you. Even though the circumstances were unique, I still felt that the whole thing was a recipe for disaster and that she deserved better. When she found out she was pregnant, I truly believed that she was only staying with you because she was afraid to be alone. Soon after that, Tarah moved out and left me when she figured out my obsession with Nina. I confessed to her about some of the things I’d done to try to keep you and Nina apart. So, I had nothing to lose. After your son was born, during the week Nina was staying at her parents’ house, I gave it one last college try. My folks had told me that she was really unhappy. I didn’t realize it was the postpartum depression. So, I went to her and told her I loved her and that if she wanted to leave you, I’d take care of her. I didn’t understand the depth of her feelings for you. Do you know what she told me?”
My voice was barely audible. “What?”
“She told me that even though she felt lost and didn’t even really know who she was anymore, the only thing she was sure of in life was how much she loved you. She told me her best hope for me was that I would someday get to experience that kind of soul deep love with someone. Looking back, it’s clear to me that I didn’t love her that way at all. I’d been trying to win a competition for her. It wasn’t until I met Lisa that I understood the kind of love you and Nina have. I know now that I could have never torn you two apart. When you truly love someone, it’s indestructible.”
“Yeah…”
“So, once again, I need to tell you how sorry I am. I was wrong. Nina and you always belonged together. Jimmy told me to take care of her. But he changed his mind and sent a better man instead.”
I closed my eyes. I needed to get my wife home.
“Go back to your baby,” I said.
“Are we okay again?”
“I’m not sure. But I probably won’t smash your face in.”
“I’ll take that for now.”
“Good night, Ryan.”
I hung up before he could respond.
I lay back on the bed to compose my thoughts before dialing Nina. Ryan’s words ran through my head. He sent a better man instead. It was doubtful that Nina was feeling that way about me right now.
I reached over to the nightstand and lifted a picture of Nina and me taken on a Gondola ride in Venice during our honeymoon. The smile on her face was difficult to take in right now, knowing she was somewhere trying to get away from me, that she was likely thinking about all of the ways I hadn’t put her first.
I shuddered.
The sounds of my family and friends talking in the next room seemed miles away.
Forcing myself up, I decided to head to the master bath to splash some water on my face before returning to the living room.
The water cooled my skin but didn’t calm me down.
As I wiped my face, a pink box in the small garbage can caught my eye. It was the discarded packaging of a pregnancy test.
I started to feel lightheaded as I bent to pick it up. This was officially my first clue as to what caused Nina to lose it last night. There was no sign of a test stick itself. The box said it included three tests, but the trash came up empty.
I ignored everyone as I bolted through the living room and into the other bathroom where there was nothing in the trash but one of A.J’s empty juice boxes. A search of the kitchen garbage also turned up nothing. Not one pregnancy test showed up in the entire house even though the box was empty.
Feeling distraught, I stood in the kitchen, leaning against the granite countertop with my head in my hands. I didn’t have to guess what happened. I knew.
We’d taken countless tests together over the past few years, all negative. Each time was more difficult than the last. My fear was that Nina went through that experience alone last night while I was stuck at the hospital, and that fueled her anger toward me.
We’d recently talked about going to see a fertility specialist, but Nina had been scared to go on any drugs. We were supposed to be discussing it again soon now that she’d finished nursing school.
The vibration of the phone in my pocket startled me. Nina’s name lit up on the screen. My heartbeat felt like excruciating waves thrashing against the walls of my chest.
“Nina.”
“Hi.”
“Where are you?”
“I’m at a diner downtown.”
“A diner? What are you doing there?”
“I came here to think.”
“Have you been there all day?”
“No.”
“What have you been doing?”
“At first, I honestly just wandered around aimlessly.”
Cedric walked into the kitchen to check on me. “Everything alright?”
