Jake Undone
Page 30
“Fuck…your ass is so beautiful, Nina. I love it.”
She moaned in response as she balanced herself with her hands on the tile wall.
“It’s all mine,” I said as I pounded into her harder. “All…mine.”
Her muscles clenched, and the wet heat of her sudden orgasm set me off. When I came inside of her this time, it felt so good that it was almost painful. I shouted out like a f**king maniac and it echoed through the bathroom.
We collapsed to the shower floor and kissed under the water. I picked up the sponge and washed her gently again, before turning the faucet off.
Grabbing a towel, I squeezed the water out of her hair as I kissed down the length of her body before drying myself.
Back in my bed, as she stared up at the ceiling, the look on her face told me that reality was starting to set in again. She finally spoke. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.” She turned to me. “It wasn’t why I came here. I’ve just felt like my whole world was falling apart. I wanted to keep my distance until you worked everything out with the divorce, but I still needed to feel close to you, so I’ve come here a few times. I never expected you to walk in at this time of day. We shouldn’t have done what we did…but I’ve missed you so much.”
“You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that,” I said, taking her hand in mine and kissing it.
She looked down at our joined hands. “I’ve felt like I lost my best friend. My life has been empty without you in it. But I still feel like what we just did was wrong. I am just so weak when it comes to you and—”
“Baby, please don’t tell me to stay away from you. Remember that night in my room before we got together, when I told you to leave? That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I was able to push you away because I hadn’t had you yet. Now that I actually know what it feels like to be with you, to be inside of you, to love you, not just from afar, but in every way…I can’t ever go back.”
“What happened tonight shouldn’t have. It doesn’t have to be forever. Just until your divorce.”
I couldn’t promise to stay away from her; it was something I knew damn well I wouldn’t live up to. I held her until she fell asleep again. She must have been worn out from the workout I gave her. The sun was starting to set. I hoped that she would just stay with me tonight.
As I watched her sleep, my emotions were running wild. I got the urge to write her something, so I grabbed a piece of white printer paper from the desk and a pen.
Sure, Green. Fuck her hard like an animal then follow it up with a sappy love poem. It’s all about balance.
I had never written a thing in my life before I met her. Now, I couldn’t stop. It was like Hallmark was going to be knocking on my door any day now. It started out as a joke, but now, it was something I loved to do for her.
Go ahead…say it. My balls were on layaway, and I couldn’t afford to buy them back.
Like drawing, it was a way for me to express the feelings I bottled up inside. Lately, all of my sketches have been of her too, some of her na**d body. It would probably creep her out if she found that book, which I strategically kept hidden from the rest.
When it came to telling her how I felt, the right words never seemed to come when I spoke them in the moment. But being able to take my time and especially watching her lying here next to me while I wrote, inspired me.
When I was finished, I was satisfied that I had written down everything I wanted to say to her.
She decided against spending the night with me. As she was getting ready to leave, I gave her the folded up poem and told her to read it when she got home and to reread it whenever she felt lonely or had doubts about my intentions.
I thought my life was planned
Until the moment I touched your hand.
Your sad eyes met mine,
And all I wanted was to make them shine.
And every time they did,
I became giddy like a kid.
With each moment together we spent,
I figured out what my father meant.
When he told his little boy long ago,
“When it’s love, son, you just know.”
I tried to resist and be strong
Since the timing was all wrong.
But I still came undone.
Because You. Are. The. One.
And I’d rather die than have to say
That mine was the one that got away.
Tell me what I have to do
To prove my heart is married to you.
It won’t be overnight.
Just give me time to make it right.
Please wait for me, Nina.
Later that night, she sent me a text.
I will.
CHAPTER 25
Holding onto the promise she made me as insurance, I gave Nina the physical space she felt she needed. We spent a lot of time talking on the phone, sometimes late into the night. During one of our conversations, she paused out of the blue, changed the subject and said, “Tell me about her.”
She hadn’t really asked much about Ivy up until that point, aside from wanting to know where things stood. Maybe she wasn’t ready or hadn’t felt secure enough in our relationship. I spent the next hour of that phone call going over the last six years and shared memories of Ivy, both good and painful ones. It was liberating to get it all off my chest and to finally share everything with her.
***
A month passed before I was able to take a week off from work to head to Boston. I didn’t want to have the divorce talk with Ivy over a weekend in case I needed to stay for the fallout. I also never quite knew what kind of a mood I’d find her in. A week would give me enough of a window to ensure I’d get her on a decent day.
My plan was to use the rest of the time off to research all of the legal issues. If possible, I wanted to be able to keep my power of attorney. She didn’t have anyone else who was trustworthy to make important decisions.
We had stopped the new medication because she wasn’t benefiting enough to make it worth the risk. So, waiting for that to kick in was no longer an excuse for me to put everything off.
When I arrived at the group home Tuesday night of that week, I had geared myself up to have the dreaded conversation.
Her door was open, so I knocked lightly, but she didn’t notice. She was listening to an old c.d. that she had recorded of herself playing the guitar years ago.
My chest tightened as I watched her sitting on the bed with her back facing me. She was swaying side to side to the sounds of her own music. I would have given anything to know what she was thinking about.
I tapped her shoulder, startling her, and she turned to look at me.
“Hi,” she said. “What day is it?”
“It’s Tuesday.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you. I took the week off.”
She turned back around facing the window, and I sat next to her on the bed. We sat in silence, listening to the mellow guitar. Ivy’s music. She hadn’t played in years. Although, she still kept her Gibson propped up in the corner of her room, an eerie reminder of what used to be.
She stood up in front of me. Her long red hair was tousled, and her eyes looked tired. Even so, she was still a beautiful girl. It was the one thing that never changed, that wasn’t taken away from her.
She tugged at my arms pulling me up. “Dance with me,” she said.
I couldn’t help but smile. That was the last thing I expected. Her behavior was always unpredictable, but this was a new one.
She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and placed her cheek on my chest. I closed my eyes and moved my body slowly to the music, matching her rhythm.
Dancing obviously wasn’t what I came here for, but moments like this with Ivy were few and far between. If dancing with me gave her some peace, I’d do it all night. I just wanted to take her pain away. There was never anything I could do to make that happen.
Her breathing became shaky, and I realized she was starting to cry. I held her tighter as her tears covered my shirt. I didn’t know what to say or do.
She whispered, “Jake, I’m scared.”
“Don’t be scared, baby girl. I’m here.” My eyes started to water when the next song played: Ivy’s rendition of Yesterday by the Beatles. I caressed her hair as we continued to dance, the last six years flashing before my eyes.
It dawned on me that maybe she was more aware than I had given her credit for. Maybe in a moment of clarity, she put two and two together when I showed up out of the blue on a Tuesday. Maybe she knew she was about to lose a part of me. I wouldn’t know for sure, but what I did know was that no talk was happening tonight. No. Tonight, we would just dance. She deserved that.
***
After leaving Ivy’s, my head hurt from mentally preparing for the talk, only to have to put it off again because of her emotional state.
There was only one person I wanted to see right now.
I f**king needed my mother.
Instead of going back to Allison and Cedric’s, I took the Blue Line train straight to my mother Vanessa’s house in Malden.
She and my stepfather Max got married a couple of years ago. They had met shortly after we moved to Boston when my mother took a job as a waitress at the diner he owns.
When she opened the door, she could tell from the look on my face that I was having a hard time.
“Honey, are you okay?”
I walked past her into the living room. “No, Mom. I’m not.” I sat down on the couch with my face in my hands. I was distraught but felt better already just being in my mother’s house.
She sat down next to me holding a cup of Chai tea. The licorice aroma wafted in the air. “Did you just come from Ivy’s?”
I nodded and exhaled into the palms of my hands, too exhausted to talk. Even in my silence, my mother knew everything; she always did.
She put down her teacup. “You still haven’t told her.”
I looked up, pursed my lips together and shook my head.
With her long dark hair and green eyes, my mother looked like an older version of my sister. Their resemblance was uncanny. I was lucky to have two strong women in my family that I could turn to. She put her hands on my shoulders and sighed.
“Jake, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, more so early on, between the drugs and getting pregnant as a teenager. When I met your father, I was just starting to straighten out, but there were things about my past I needed to tell him and I dreaded it. Each day, I would put it off. The constant worrying about what his reaction would be nearly killed me. But you know what? All of that worrying never changed anything. When I finally got it off my chest, I was free. It’s not going to hurt her any less or more if you wait. You’re the one breaking down, son. You need to get this over with for your own sanity. I could not be more proud of you. After your father died, you became the man of the house. You took care of yourself, so I could take care of us. You never stopped wanting to take care of people. I know you feel like you failed Ivy. But she was so lucky to have been blessed with you in her life because not many men your age would have stuck around. I know you’ll always look out for her. But it’s time for you to start living again.”
It was exactly what I needed to hear from the one person I needed to hear it from.
***
The next day, Ivy was making a sandwich in the kitchen when I walked into the group home. A few of the other women who lived there were sitting on the opposite end of the room along with the house monitor.
“You’re back?” she asked.
“Yes, I’m here all week.”
“Do you want one?” she asked pointing to the bread.
“Sure.”
My heart pounded, and my stomach was upset because I knew this was no ordinary lunch date.
We sat along the counter together eating the turkey sandwiches she made.
When we were done cleaning up, I asked her to come sit with me in the yard. There was a patio out back and that was the best place to have the talk.
Ivy was more coherent than I had seen in a long time and I was grateful that I had chosen today.
“What’s going on?”
“I need to talk to you about something important.”
“Okay.”
“Come sit,” I said gesturing for her to join me on a bench swing. I grabbed her hand. She was looking in my eyes and waiting patiently for me to start talking. I was amazed to have this kind of attention from her and knew it was now or ever.
Here goes nothing.
I breathed out slowly. “I’ll never forget the day we met when you were dancing in the rain outside Northeastern. Do you remember that?”
She nodded. “Of course, I do.”
“Something deep inside told me to go up to you. Whatever it was, if I could go back in time, I would have still walked toward you that day. You were captivating, and I was an 18-year-old boy, smitten for the first time. We were infatuated with each other back then. We rushed things.”
“I was crazy about you,” she said.
“We should have never run away and gotten married that young. But the man upstairs had a different plan because he knew you were going to need me someday. I am glad he chose me to look out for you. I just wish I could make you feel better, make you healthy again. Most of all, I wish I could fight all of your demons for you. I would f**king slaughter them all if I could.
She started to cry and whispered, “I know you would.”
“It’s been hard watching you slip further into your own mind over the years. Some days, I really miss the girl I used to know…the one who played the guitar for me at night as I sat next to her drawing in my sketchbook and the one who always lit up the room with her smile. It hurts when you don’t acknowledge me now most of the time or worse, when you believe I am trying harm you. When you are having an “on” day, like today, I see glimpses of your old expressions, your sense of humor and the connection we once had. I know that the sweet funny girl who loved life is still in there, and I miss her sometimes.”
She moaned in response as she balanced herself with her hands on the tile wall.
“It’s all mine,” I said as I pounded into her harder. “All…mine.”
Her muscles clenched, and the wet heat of her sudden orgasm set me off. When I came inside of her this time, it felt so good that it was almost painful. I shouted out like a f**king maniac and it echoed through the bathroom.
We collapsed to the shower floor and kissed under the water. I picked up the sponge and washed her gently again, before turning the faucet off.
Grabbing a towel, I squeezed the water out of her hair as I kissed down the length of her body before drying myself.
Back in my bed, as she stared up at the ceiling, the look on her face told me that reality was starting to set in again. She finally spoke. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.” She turned to me. “It wasn’t why I came here. I’ve just felt like my whole world was falling apart. I wanted to keep my distance until you worked everything out with the divorce, but I still needed to feel close to you, so I’ve come here a few times. I never expected you to walk in at this time of day. We shouldn’t have done what we did…but I’ve missed you so much.”
“You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that,” I said, taking her hand in mine and kissing it.
She looked down at our joined hands. “I’ve felt like I lost my best friend. My life has been empty without you in it. But I still feel like what we just did was wrong. I am just so weak when it comes to you and—”
“Baby, please don’t tell me to stay away from you. Remember that night in my room before we got together, when I told you to leave? That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I was able to push you away because I hadn’t had you yet. Now that I actually know what it feels like to be with you, to be inside of you, to love you, not just from afar, but in every way…I can’t ever go back.”
“What happened tonight shouldn’t have. It doesn’t have to be forever. Just until your divorce.”
I couldn’t promise to stay away from her; it was something I knew damn well I wouldn’t live up to. I held her until she fell asleep again. She must have been worn out from the workout I gave her. The sun was starting to set. I hoped that she would just stay with me tonight.
As I watched her sleep, my emotions were running wild. I got the urge to write her something, so I grabbed a piece of white printer paper from the desk and a pen.
Sure, Green. Fuck her hard like an animal then follow it up with a sappy love poem. It’s all about balance.
I had never written a thing in my life before I met her. Now, I couldn’t stop. It was like Hallmark was going to be knocking on my door any day now. It started out as a joke, but now, it was something I loved to do for her.
Go ahead…say it. My balls were on layaway, and I couldn’t afford to buy them back.
Like drawing, it was a way for me to express the feelings I bottled up inside. Lately, all of my sketches have been of her too, some of her na**d body. It would probably creep her out if she found that book, which I strategically kept hidden from the rest.
When it came to telling her how I felt, the right words never seemed to come when I spoke them in the moment. But being able to take my time and especially watching her lying here next to me while I wrote, inspired me.
When I was finished, I was satisfied that I had written down everything I wanted to say to her.
She decided against spending the night with me. As she was getting ready to leave, I gave her the folded up poem and told her to read it when she got home and to reread it whenever she felt lonely or had doubts about my intentions.
I thought my life was planned
Until the moment I touched your hand.
Your sad eyes met mine,
And all I wanted was to make them shine.
And every time they did,
I became giddy like a kid.
With each moment together we spent,
I figured out what my father meant.
When he told his little boy long ago,
“When it’s love, son, you just know.”
I tried to resist and be strong
Since the timing was all wrong.
But I still came undone.
Because You. Are. The. One.
And I’d rather die than have to say
That mine was the one that got away.
Tell me what I have to do
To prove my heart is married to you.
It won’t be overnight.
Just give me time to make it right.
Please wait for me, Nina.
Later that night, she sent me a text.
I will.
CHAPTER 25
Holding onto the promise she made me as insurance, I gave Nina the physical space she felt she needed. We spent a lot of time talking on the phone, sometimes late into the night. During one of our conversations, she paused out of the blue, changed the subject and said, “Tell me about her.”
She hadn’t really asked much about Ivy up until that point, aside from wanting to know where things stood. Maybe she wasn’t ready or hadn’t felt secure enough in our relationship. I spent the next hour of that phone call going over the last six years and shared memories of Ivy, both good and painful ones. It was liberating to get it all off my chest and to finally share everything with her.
***
A month passed before I was able to take a week off from work to head to Boston. I didn’t want to have the divorce talk with Ivy over a weekend in case I needed to stay for the fallout. I also never quite knew what kind of a mood I’d find her in. A week would give me enough of a window to ensure I’d get her on a decent day.
My plan was to use the rest of the time off to research all of the legal issues. If possible, I wanted to be able to keep my power of attorney. She didn’t have anyone else who was trustworthy to make important decisions.
We had stopped the new medication because she wasn’t benefiting enough to make it worth the risk. So, waiting for that to kick in was no longer an excuse for me to put everything off.
When I arrived at the group home Tuesday night of that week, I had geared myself up to have the dreaded conversation.
Her door was open, so I knocked lightly, but she didn’t notice. She was listening to an old c.d. that she had recorded of herself playing the guitar years ago.
My chest tightened as I watched her sitting on the bed with her back facing me. She was swaying side to side to the sounds of her own music. I would have given anything to know what she was thinking about.
I tapped her shoulder, startling her, and she turned to look at me.
“Hi,” she said. “What day is it?”
“It’s Tuesday.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you. I took the week off.”
She turned back around facing the window, and I sat next to her on the bed. We sat in silence, listening to the mellow guitar. Ivy’s music. She hadn’t played in years. Although, she still kept her Gibson propped up in the corner of her room, an eerie reminder of what used to be.
She stood up in front of me. Her long red hair was tousled, and her eyes looked tired. Even so, she was still a beautiful girl. It was the one thing that never changed, that wasn’t taken away from her.
She tugged at my arms pulling me up. “Dance with me,” she said.
I couldn’t help but smile. That was the last thing I expected. Her behavior was always unpredictable, but this was a new one.
She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and placed her cheek on my chest. I closed my eyes and moved my body slowly to the music, matching her rhythm.
Dancing obviously wasn’t what I came here for, but moments like this with Ivy were few and far between. If dancing with me gave her some peace, I’d do it all night. I just wanted to take her pain away. There was never anything I could do to make that happen.
Her breathing became shaky, and I realized she was starting to cry. I held her tighter as her tears covered my shirt. I didn’t know what to say or do.
She whispered, “Jake, I’m scared.”
“Don’t be scared, baby girl. I’m here.” My eyes started to water when the next song played: Ivy’s rendition of Yesterday by the Beatles. I caressed her hair as we continued to dance, the last six years flashing before my eyes.
It dawned on me that maybe she was more aware than I had given her credit for. Maybe in a moment of clarity, she put two and two together when I showed up out of the blue on a Tuesday. Maybe she knew she was about to lose a part of me. I wouldn’t know for sure, but what I did know was that no talk was happening tonight. No. Tonight, we would just dance. She deserved that.
***
After leaving Ivy’s, my head hurt from mentally preparing for the talk, only to have to put it off again because of her emotional state.
There was only one person I wanted to see right now.
I f**king needed my mother.
Instead of going back to Allison and Cedric’s, I took the Blue Line train straight to my mother Vanessa’s house in Malden.
She and my stepfather Max got married a couple of years ago. They had met shortly after we moved to Boston when my mother took a job as a waitress at the diner he owns.
When she opened the door, she could tell from the look on my face that I was having a hard time.
“Honey, are you okay?”
I walked past her into the living room. “No, Mom. I’m not.” I sat down on the couch with my face in my hands. I was distraught but felt better already just being in my mother’s house.
She sat down next to me holding a cup of Chai tea. The licorice aroma wafted in the air. “Did you just come from Ivy’s?”
I nodded and exhaled into the palms of my hands, too exhausted to talk. Even in my silence, my mother knew everything; she always did.
She put down her teacup. “You still haven’t told her.”
I looked up, pursed my lips together and shook my head.
With her long dark hair and green eyes, my mother looked like an older version of my sister. Their resemblance was uncanny. I was lucky to have two strong women in my family that I could turn to. She put her hands on my shoulders and sighed.
“Jake, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, more so early on, between the drugs and getting pregnant as a teenager. When I met your father, I was just starting to straighten out, but there were things about my past I needed to tell him and I dreaded it. Each day, I would put it off. The constant worrying about what his reaction would be nearly killed me. But you know what? All of that worrying never changed anything. When I finally got it off my chest, I was free. It’s not going to hurt her any less or more if you wait. You’re the one breaking down, son. You need to get this over with for your own sanity. I could not be more proud of you. After your father died, you became the man of the house. You took care of yourself, so I could take care of us. You never stopped wanting to take care of people. I know you feel like you failed Ivy. But she was so lucky to have been blessed with you in her life because not many men your age would have stuck around. I know you’ll always look out for her. But it’s time for you to start living again.”
It was exactly what I needed to hear from the one person I needed to hear it from.
***
The next day, Ivy was making a sandwich in the kitchen when I walked into the group home. A few of the other women who lived there were sitting on the opposite end of the room along with the house monitor.
“You’re back?” she asked.
“Yes, I’m here all week.”
“Do you want one?” she asked pointing to the bread.
“Sure.”
My heart pounded, and my stomach was upset because I knew this was no ordinary lunch date.
We sat along the counter together eating the turkey sandwiches she made.
When we were done cleaning up, I asked her to come sit with me in the yard. There was a patio out back and that was the best place to have the talk.
Ivy was more coherent than I had seen in a long time and I was grateful that I had chosen today.
“What’s going on?”
“I need to talk to you about something important.”
“Okay.”
“Come sit,” I said gesturing for her to join me on a bench swing. I grabbed her hand. She was looking in my eyes and waiting patiently for me to start talking. I was amazed to have this kind of attention from her and knew it was now or ever.
Here goes nothing.
I breathed out slowly. “I’ll never forget the day we met when you were dancing in the rain outside Northeastern. Do you remember that?”
She nodded. “Of course, I do.”
“Something deep inside told me to go up to you. Whatever it was, if I could go back in time, I would have still walked toward you that day. You were captivating, and I was an 18-year-old boy, smitten for the first time. We were infatuated with each other back then. We rushed things.”
“I was crazy about you,” she said.
“We should have never run away and gotten married that young. But the man upstairs had a different plan because he knew you were going to need me someday. I am glad he chose me to look out for you. I just wish I could make you feel better, make you healthy again. Most of all, I wish I could fight all of your demons for you. I would f**king slaughter them all if I could.
She started to cry and whispered, “I know you would.”
“It’s been hard watching you slip further into your own mind over the years. Some days, I really miss the girl I used to know…the one who played the guitar for me at night as I sat next to her drawing in my sketchbook and the one who always lit up the room with her smile. It hurts when you don’t acknowledge me now most of the time or worse, when you believe I am trying harm you. When you are having an “on” day, like today, I see glimpses of your old expressions, your sense of humor and the connection we once had. I know that the sweet funny girl who loved life is still in there, and I miss her sometimes.”
