Jake Undone
Page 33
When she walked away to tend to some new customers, I no longer had a distraction and the pain returned in full force. I checked my phone again to see if Nina had returned my calls, and of course, she hadn’t. I did have a voicemail…from Ivy.
I went outside to escape the noise of the bar and played the message. She was somewhat incoherent. Given that my mind was fuzzy on top of that, the only thing I seemed to be able to make out was ‘good bye.’
Shit. What was Ivy trying to tell me? She rarely called my phone. I speed dialed the main number for the group home as my heart raced. The night staff confirmed that she was in her room and okay after they checked in on her. Hearing her say “goodbye” had scared the shit out of me, though.
Still feeling uneasy, I walked back inside and stayed sitting at the bar until they closed. I think I almost passed out in my seat. That was the most I had to drink in a long time. It was time to get the hell out of there.
Things were hazy as I exited the bar. Even the cold air hitting my face did me no good. As I started the long walk home, an older white Volvo pulled up beside me.
“Jake…come on. Get in. I’ll drive you home.”
It was Lexie.
Without really thinking it through, I got in the car. It beat walking several blocks, feeling like crap.
Her car smelled like peaches, or was it her hair? I didn’t know. What I did know was that Lexie was bad news, and so was this decision I just made.
“Where do you live?”
“1185 Lincoln. It’s right over this Greek restaurant, Eleni’s.”
“Yup. I know that place.”
The streetlights and buildings we passed merged into one big blurred line. In less than ten minutes, we had arrived at my doorstep.
I turned to Lexie. “Thanks for the ride. I definitely had too much to drink…thanks to you.”
“Well, you were pretty upset when you walked in, and you needed to loosen up. After you told me why, I wanted to help even more.”
I slurred my words slightly when I said, “You did succeed in helping me get f**ked up.” I laughed. “So, thanks…I think.”
“Anytime,” she said putting her hand on my knee. “And I mean that.”
“Okay…well, goodnight. Thanks again,” I said as I exited the car unusually fast, stumbling a little. I could tell she was disappointed that I wasn’t asking her in. Lexie was the type of girl I probably would have sought out a couple of years ago…sex with no strings or expectations. But Nina ruined me for other women. She was all I wanted.
I made it up the stairs and into the living room where I collapsed onto the couch while the room spun. I turned on the television and became fascinated by a Zumba infomercial. The dancers seemed to be jumping out of the screen and trying to merengue with me.
A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. I pushed myself up off the couch and opened it.
Lexie.
She lifted up an iPhone. “Forget something?”
“Shit. Thanks,” I said, taking the phone. “How did you get up here?”
“You left the front door open. I knocked on the floor below, but the lady told me to ‘fuck off,’ so I figured door number three up here was the winner.”
Before I could bid her goodnight and send her on her merry way, she pushed her way past me onto the couch and crossed her legs as she sat down. With the thigh high black leather boots she was wearing, she looked like a whore.
“What are you watching?”
“Zumba.”
She started to laugh. “You’re funny, Jake.”
I lifted my index finger. “And drunk. Don’t forget drunk,” I said, joining her on the couch. I laid my head back. “Ditch the workout, join the party,” I mumbled.
“What?”
“Never mind.”
If I squinted my eyes, with her long blonde hair, Lexie almost looked liked Nina for a second. This girl was definitely sexy, but Nina was much prettier and classier.
A f**king angel.
Sexy alone just didn’t do it for me anymore. Actually, nothing except Nina did it for me.
Some time passed, but I was too out of it to know how many minutes. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, Lexie was topless and straddling me over my jeans.
She whispered in my ear as she moved over me. “You’re so f**king hot, Jake. I want to go down on you.”
Fuck.
My dick was hard. I was out of it but not enough to ever make me want this. I couldn’t imagine giving myself in that way to someone else. I loved Nina. Even if she didn’t want to be with me right now, my body was hers.
I pushed her off me. “Lexie, get off.”
“I was getting off.”
“I meant get off of me. You should have never come in here. I really need to take a leak. When I come back out, I want you to be gone, okay?”
“I thought you wanted it. You were staring at my tits all night and look at you…you’re hard.”
“Lexie, with all due respect, you were sitting on my c**k when I was asleep. It has a mind of its own. And as for your tits, maybe if you put them away, I wouldn’t have been staring at them. Now, please. You’re a very nice girl (…for a whore), but I told you earlier, I am involved with someone.”
I said nothing else before walking to the bathroom and taking the longest piss of my life. I must have been in there for ten minutes just sitting on the toilet while my head was spinning. A massive hangover awaited me tomorrow morning.
When I walked back out to the living area, Lexie was gone.
She was gone, but I wasn’t alone.
My heart. This couldn’t be happening.
Nina stood in the middle of the room with tears in her eyes.
Blood rushed to my head. “Nina? Nina…baby, what just happened? What do you think you just saw?”
She just continued to stand in front of me but said nothing as she licked the tears that were falling and held her eyes closed. She looked like she was about to hyperventilate.
God help me. This was so bad.
I tried to compose myself but was panicking inside. “That girl you saw…she drove me home from a bar. I had gone there because I was so sad over you. You weren’t answering my calls. I had too much to drink. She dropped me off and came back here when I left my phone in her car. Nothing happened, Nina. Nothing happened!”
She wasn’t saying anything. My heart was breaking. She didn’t believe me.
Fuck, I wouldn’t have believed me either.
“I didn’t sleep with her. I didn’t even kiss her. Nina, I swear on my father’s grave!”
She looked up at me.
I walked toward her, but she backed away. She was still speechless.
“Did she say anything to you?” I asked.
Nina nodded slowly with angry eyes. She let out a deep breath. “As a matter of fact, she did.” She spoke through her tears. “She asked me if I was Nina.”
I shook my head. “What?”
“And when I told her I was…she thanked me for abandoning my boyfriend long enough for her to f**k the shit of him.”
No.
This couldn’t be happening.
I was stunned and then shook my head vigorously. “No. No! Nina…nothing happened. I fell asleep. She came on to me. She…She tri—”
“Did you at least wear a condom?” she spewed at the top of her lungs, her face red and her lips twitching.
I became like a raging madman as I screamed again through clenched teeth, shaking my fists in the air. “Nothing…fucking…happened!”
She screamed back at me. “She was putting on her bra when I walked in. You expect me to believe that? What kind of fool do you think I am?”
One who loved me enough to believe in me.
Just then, Ryan emerged from the hallway. I wasn’t sure if he had been there the whole time or if he had arrived with Nina.
“Come on, Nina. Let’s get out of here,” he said, pushing her toward the door.
My voice was hoarse from screaming. “She’s not going anywhere.”
“The hell she isn’t,” he said glaring at me. “Haven’t you done enough damage in her life? Just let her go, Jake.” He pushed her toward the door as she continued to wipe her eyes. “Just f**king let her go.”
That unwanted voice in my head, the one that had been telling me all along to do just that because she was too good for me suddenly emerged in Ryan’s corner. If she didn’t believe me about Lexie then it might as well have been true. I would never be able to prove otherwise.
Ryan had her by the arm and led her out to the hallway. She looked back at me one last time with sadness in her eyes that shot through my heart like a dagger. Feeling her pain radiating through me along with my own, I was frozen, helpless and broken. That voice had won out. I let her go without a fight then she disappeared from sight. I wasn’t sure if I would ever see her again. The girl who had brought me so much joy, who had given me a reason to live, who penetrated my soul…was gone. It was the worst moment of my life.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I looked down and noticed that I had missed a voicemail from Nina. She must have called earlier when my phone was in Lexie’s car. My chest tightened as I played it.
“Hey, it’s me. I know I have been distant this past week. I needed some time apart from you to understand what that really felt like…to see if living without you was even an option for me. And you know what? It’s not, Jake. It’s really not. I know that I need to sacrifice some things, namely my time with you, if we’re going to make this work. As you told me once, sometimes you have to withstand a little pain in life to experience a pleasure you otherwise wouldn’t have known existed. You’re my only pleasure, and I am telling you that you’re worth all the pain and sacrifice in the world. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? I need to see you tonight. There is a lot more I need to say. I am heading over there now. I hope you’re up. I’m sorry if I worried you. I love you so much.”
CHAPTER 28
Eighty-five: the number of times I played that voicemail.
Thirty: the number of days that passed before I would see Nina’s face again.
One: the number of major mistakes I would almost make after losing it when I finally saw her.
I spent the weeks after Nina left, trying to convince myself that it was for the best even though I was miserable. Not one night went by when I didn’t agonize over whether to go to her apartment and plead with her. I would always decide against it because I couldn’t handle causing her any more pain. If she didn’t believe me that night, she wasn’t going to believe me now. The way she looked at me when she walked away would forever be etched in my brain. It was a look of utter sorrow and disappointment. The memory haunted me. Even though I didn’t do anything wrong besides getting inebriated, I punished myself by sketching that look on her face repeatedly, so that I never forgot the bad decision that ruined me.
Ryan, Tarah and I didn’t talk at all. We avoided each other like the plague and I had started looking for another apartment.
Ironically, in a moment of clarity, Ivy had agreed to cooperate with the divorce and allowed me to continue as her conservator. It was the only thing going my way, but I wasn’t sure it mattered anymore now that I had lost the love of my life.
Aside from the paperwork, nothing had changed with Ivy. I was still going to Boston every weekend and actually spent more time at the home, even when she was at her worst. It helped get my mind off of Nina and to reassure Ivy that the pending divorce wouldn’t change my being there for her. I had all the time in the world now that I had nothing to rush back to in New York.
I didn’t care one way or the other about the divorce anymore. My family convinced me to go through with it, though, since there was now a post-marriage plan in place.
***
Back in Brooklyn one night, there was a knock at the door, and I opened it without checking the peephole.
Something hit me in the face and nearly broke my nose.
“What the fuck!?”
My hands covered my face, and I was about to punch the lights out of the person until I looked down at the weapon: a bag. It had a cheesy picture of a boy band on it. The assailant was a petite girl with no hair. The realization of who this was set in.
“Jerk!” she yelled.
I dabbed my nose again checking for blood. “Skylar?”
“That’s what you get for hurting my friend, ass nuts,” she said, brushing past me into the apartment.
Sarcastically, I said, “It’s nice to meet you too, finally. Come in.”
She dumped her bag and plopped down on the couch. She looked pale and weak. Fuck…this girl shouldn’t be here.
“Do you have any water?” she asked.
“Yeah…sure.” I rushed to the kitchen to pour her a glass and tapped my nose, which was tingling as I looked over at her. She clearly wasn’t feeling well. It amazed me that she would come all the way over here, sick and all, to stand up for her friend.
I handed her the water, and she took it, drinking it down.
I sat on the opposite side of the couch. “How are you feeling?”
“I feel like I look,” she said abruptly.
“How did you get here?”
“I took a cab.”
“Did you leave the hospital?”
She leaned back and kicked her feet up on the couch. “Look, I’m not here for small talk.”
“Okay.”
“Did you or did you not screw that tramp?”
I looked her keenly in the eye. “I swear to you that I didn’t. I swear. I know that Nina doesn’t believe me because of what she thinks she saw.”
I went outside to escape the noise of the bar and played the message. She was somewhat incoherent. Given that my mind was fuzzy on top of that, the only thing I seemed to be able to make out was ‘good bye.’
Shit. What was Ivy trying to tell me? She rarely called my phone. I speed dialed the main number for the group home as my heart raced. The night staff confirmed that she was in her room and okay after they checked in on her. Hearing her say “goodbye” had scared the shit out of me, though.
Still feeling uneasy, I walked back inside and stayed sitting at the bar until they closed. I think I almost passed out in my seat. That was the most I had to drink in a long time. It was time to get the hell out of there.
Things were hazy as I exited the bar. Even the cold air hitting my face did me no good. As I started the long walk home, an older white Volvo pulled up beside me.
“Jake…come on. Get in. I’ll drive you home.”
It was Lexie.
Without really thinking it through, I got in the car. It beat walking several blocks, feeling like crap.
Her car smelled like peaches, or was it her hair? I didn’t know. What I did know was that Lexie was bad news, and so was this decision I just made.
“Where do you live?”
“1185 Lincoln. It’s right over this Greek restaurant, Eleni’s.”
“Yup. I know that place.”
The streetlights and buildings we passed merged into one big blurred line. In less than ten minutes, we had arrived at my doorstep.
I turned to Lexie. “Thanks for the ride. I definitely had too much to drink…thanks to you.”
“Well, you were pretty upset when you walked in, and you needed to loosen up. After you told me why, I wanted to help even more.”
I slurred my words slightly when I said, “You did succeed in helping me get f**ked up.” I laughed. “So, thanks…I think.”
“Anytime,” she said putting her hand on my knee. “And I mean that.”
“Okay…well, goodnight. Thanks again,” I said as I exited the car unusually fast, stumbling a little. I could tell she was disappointed that I wasn’t asking her in. Lexie was the type of girl I probably would have sought out a couple of years ago…sex with no strings or expectations. But Nina ruined me for other women. She was all I wanted.
I made it up the stairs and into the living room where I collapsed onto the couch while the room spun. I turned on the television and became fascinated by a Zumba infomercial. The dancers seemed to be jumping out of the screen and trying to merengue with me.
A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. I pushed myself up off the couch and opened it.
Lexie.
She lifted up an iPhone. “Forget something?”
“Shit. Thanks,” I said, taking the phone. “How did you get up here?”
“You left the front door open. I knocked on the floor below, but the lady told me to ‘fuck off,’ so I figured door number three up here was the winner.”
Before I could bid her goodnight and send her on her merry way, she pushed her way past me onto the couch and crossed her legs as she sat down. With the thigh high black leather boots she was wearing, she looked like a whore.
“What are you watching?”
“Zumba.”
She started to laugh. “You’re funny, Jake.”
I lifted my index finger. “And drunk. Don’t forget drunk,” I said, joining her on the couch. I laid my head back. “Ditch the workout, join the party,” I mumbled.
“What?”
“Never mind.”
If I squinted my eyes, with her long blonde hair, Lexie almost looked liked Nina for a second. This girl was definitely sexy, but Nina was much prettier and classier.
A f**king angel.
Sexy alone just didn’t do it for me anymore. Actually, nothing except Nina did it for me.
Some time passed, but I was too out of it to know how many minutes. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, Lexie was topless and straddling me over my jeans.
She whispered in my ear as she moved over me. “You’re so f**king hot, Jake. I want to go down on you.”
Fuck.
My dick was hard. I was out of it but not enough to ever make me want this. I couldn’t imagine giving myself in that way to someone else. I loved Nina. Even if she didn’t want to be with me right now, my body was hers.
I pushed her off me. “Lexie, get off.”
“I was getting off.”
“I meant get off of me. You should have never come in here. I really need to take a leak. When I come back out, I want you to be gone, okay?”
“I thought you wanted it. You were staring at my tits all night and look at you…you’re hard.”
“Lexie, with all due respect, you were sitting on my c**k when I was asleep. It has a mind of its own. And as for your tits, maybe if you put them away, I wouldn’t have been staring at them. Now, please. You’re a very nice girl (…for a whore), but I told you earlier, I am involved with someone.”
I said nothing else before walking to the bathroom and taking the longest piss of my life. I must have been in there for ten minutes just sitting on the toilet while my head was spinning. A massive hangover awaited me tomorrow morning.
When I walked back out to the living area, Lexie was gone.
She was gone, but I wasn’t alone.
My heart. This couldn’t be happening.
Nina stood in the middle of the room with tears in her eyes.
Blood rushed to my head. “Nina? Nina…baby, what just happened? What do you think you just saw?”
She just continued to stand in front of me but said nothing as she licked the tears that were falling and held her eyes closed. She looked like she was about to hyperventilate.
God help me. This was so bad.
I tried to compose myself but was panicking inside. “That girl you saw…she drove me home from a bar. I had gone there because I was so sad over you. You weren’t answering my calls. I had too much to drink. She dropped me off and came back here when I left my phone in her car. Nothing happened, Nina. Nothing happened!”
She wasn’t saying anything. My heart was breaking. She didn’t believe me.
Fuck, I wouldn’t have believed me either.
“I didn’t sleep with her. I didn’t even kiss her. Nina, I swear on my father’s grave!”
She looked up at me.
I walked toward her, but she backed away. She was still speechless.
“Did she say anything to you?” I asked.
Nina nodded slowly with angry eyes. She let out a deep breath. “As a matter of fact, she did.” She spoke through her tears. “She asked me if I was Nina.”
I shook my head. “What?”
“And when I told her I was…she thanked me for abandoning my boyfriend long enough for her to f**k the shit of him.”
No.
This couldn’t be happening.
I was stunned and then shook my head vigorously. “No. No! Nina…nothing happened. I fell asleep. She came on to me. She…She tri—”
“Did you at least wear a condom?” she spewed at the top of her lungs, her face red and her lips twitching.
I became like a raging madman as I screamed again through clenched teeth, shaking my fists in the air. “Nothing…fucking…happened!”
She screamed back at me. “She was putting on her bra when I walked in. You expect me to believe that? What kind of fool do you think I am?”
One who loved me enough to believe in me.
Just then, Ryan emerged from the hallway. I wasn’t sure if he had been there the whole time or if he had arrived with Nina.
“Come on, Nina. Let’s get out of here,” he said, pushing her toward the door.
My voice was hoarse from screaming. “She’s not going anywhere.”
“The hell she isn’t,” he said glaring at me. “Haven’t you done enough damage in her life? Just let her go, Jake.” He pushed her toward the door as she continued to wipe her eyes. “Just f**king let her go.”
That unwanted voice in my head, the one that had been telling me all along to do just that because she was too good for me suddenly emerged in Ryan’s corner. If she didn’t believe me about Lexie then it might as well have been true. I would never be able to prove otherwise.
Ryan had her by the arm and led her out to the hallway. She looked back at me one last time with sadness in her eyes that shot through my heart like a dagger. Feeling her pain radiating through me along with my own, I was frozen, helpless and broken. That voice had won out. I let her go without a fight then she disappeared from sight. I wasn’t sure if I would ever see her again. The girl who had brought me so much joy, who had given me a reason to live, who penetrated my soul…was gone. It was the worst moment of my life.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I looked down and noticed that I had missed a voicemail from Nina. She must have called earlier when my phone was in Lexie’s car. My chest tightened as I played it.
“Hey, it’s me. I know I have been distant this past week. I needed some time apart from you to understand what that really felt like…to see if living without you was even an option for me. And you know what? It’s not, Jake. It’s really not. I know that I need to sacrifice some things, namely my time with you, if we’re going to make this work. As you told me once, sometimes you have to withstand a little pain in life to experience a pleasure you otherwise wouldn’t have known existed. You’re my only pleasure, and I am telling you that you’re worth all the pain and sacrifice in the world. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? I need to see you tonight. There is a lot more I need to say. I am heading over there now. I hope you’re up. I’m sorry if I worried you. I love you so much.”
CHAPTER 28
Eighty-five: the number of times I played that voicemail.
Thirty: the number of days that passed before I would see Nina’s face again.
One: the number of major mistakes I would almost make after losing it when I finally saw her.
I spent the weeks after Nina left, trying to convince myself that it was for the best even though I was miserable. Not one night went by when I didn’t agonize over whether to go to her apartment and plead with her. I would always decide against it because I couldn’t handle causing her any more pain. If she didn’t believe me that night, she wasn’t going to believe me now. The way she looked at me when she walked away would forever be etched in my brain. It was a look of utter sorrow and disappointment. The memory haunted me. Even though I didn’t do anything wrong besides getting inebriated, I punished myself by sketching that look on her face repeatedly, so that I never forgot the bad decision that ruined me.
Ryan, Tarah and I didn’t talk at all. We avoided each other like the plague and I had started looking for another apartment.
Ironically, in a moment of clarity, Ivy had agreed to cooperate with the divorce and allowed me to continue as her conservator. It was the only thing going my way, but I wasn’t sure it mattered anymore now that I had lost the love of my life.
Aside from the paperwork, nothing had changed with Ivy. I was still going to Boston every weekend and actually spent more time at the home, even when she was at her worst. It helped get my mind off of Nina and to reassure Ivy that the pending divorce wouldn’t change my being there for her. I had all the time in the world now that I had nothing to rush back to in New York.
I didn’t care one way or the other about the divorce anymore. My family convinced me to go through with it, though, since there was now a post-marriage plan in place.
***
Back in Brooklyn one night, there was a knock at the door, and I opened it without checking the peephole.
Something hit me in the face and nearly broke my nose.
“What the fuck!?”
My hands covered my face, and I was about to punch the lights out of the person until I looked down at the weapon: a bag. It had a cheesy picture of a boy band on it. The assailant was a petite girl with no hair. The realization of who this was set in.
“Jerk!” she yelled.
I dabbed my nose again checking for blood. “Skylar?”
“That’s what you get for hurting my friend, ass nuts,” she said, brushing past me into the apartment.
Sarcastically, I said, “It’s nice to meet you too, finally. Come in.”
She dumped her bag and plopped down on the couch. She looked pale and weak. Fuck…this girl shouldn’t be here.
“Do you have any water?” she asked.
“Yeah…sure.” I rushed to the kitchen to pour her a glass and tapped my nose, which was tingling as I looked over at her. She clearly wasn’t feeling well. It amazed me that she would come all the way over here, sick and all, to stand up for her friend.
I handed her the water, and she took it, drinking it down.
I sat on the opposite side of the couch. “How are you feeling?”
“I feel like I look,” she said abruptly.
“How did you get here?”
“I took a cab.”
“Did you leave the hospital?”
She leaned back and kicked her feet up on the couch. “Look, I’m not here for small talk.”
“Okay.”
“Did you or did you not screw that tramp?”
I looked her keenly in the eye. “I swear to you that I didn’t. I swear. I know that Nina doesn’t believe me because of what she thinks she saw.”
