Kaleidoscope
Page 68
And there were no more coming home later and laters.
It didn’t escape me after Jacob pointed it out that I was creating busy work to keep me from him.
This concerned me, and the only reason I could come up with as to why I would do that was because I’d never met a boyfriend’s parents much less the parents of the man I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I’d obviously been denying my anxiety of their impending visit and doing stupid stuff because of it.
Whatever it was, it was gone. It was back to good.
No. As with everything with Jacob, it was back to beauty.
Until last night.
A game changer, Emme.
I jumped again when Dom came back and put his hand on the back of my chair.
He smiled at me in the mirror and stated, “Time to wash you out.”
I smiled back, we chatted on the way to the sinks and we kept chatting until Dom started the head massage he always gave when he was letting the conditioner do its work.
Usually, this reduced me to jelly. Dom had strong hands. I’d only had one other head massage in my life—the one given to me by the stylist in Denver Erika took me to to give me my new look. But Dom’s were way better.
But that time, when I closed my eyes and tried to relax, it rushed me.
You don’t want kids?
No, honey.
Seriously?
Hesitation. Seriously.
Then that look. That look on his face, so close, us naked, Jacob lying on top of me.
That look of shock.
Disappointment.
Pain.
That look that shattered me because I knew what I’d said had shattered him.
We’d just made love. We were snuggling, touching, whispering, planning. Planning our lives and how they would come in the now. How neither Jacob nor I were happy he had to go to Denver for work and would be gone for the weekend, not back until Tuesday, which meant we’d be separated for the first time since we got together. How, after Jacob sorted this case that was troubling him, we were going to plan a vacation to somewhere exciting. Paris. London. Prague.
Then we moved on to planning our lives how they would come in the later.
And that was when Jacob asked me how many kids I wanted.
And my response was unexpected.
And unwelcome.
Not even one?
Honey.
I felt my eyes sting as Dom rinsed the conditioner out of my hair.
This is a game changer, Emme.
Dom wrapped my hair in a towel and announced, “You’re done, darling. Sit up. Let’s get you back to my station and unleash that beauty.”
I looked over my shoulder at him, smiled and chatted as we walked to his station.
It wasn’t until he was blow drying my hair and we couldn’t chitchat anymore before it came back to me.
That morning.
I saw Jacob standing in front of me. He’d pressed me into the side of my Bronco in his garage.
I was going to Dom’s. He was heading to Denver.
He kissed me, hard, long, amazing but also there was a hint of something else.
Longing.
Bleakness and longing.
It hurt.
Yes, a kiss hurt. But I felt it and when he lifted his head, I knew he felt it too.
“I’ll call,” he whispered, his hand at my neck, his thumb stroking my jaw. “But we’ll talk when I get home.”
I knew my eyes were wet because the vision of him was swimming as I said, “Okay, honey.”
“We’ll figure it out, Emme,” he promised.
I wanted to believe him. I really, really wanted to believe him.
But I didn’t believe him.
“Love you, Jacob,” I whispered and he smiled.
That was bleak too.
“Love you too, Emme.”
He gave me another kiss then waited until I climbed into Persephone so he could swing my door shut for me. I smiled at him through the windshield, another fake one, as he thumped his hand palm flat on my hood and moved away from the truck.
I pulled out of his garage and did it with my eyes glued to him. He stood in his garage, tall, strong, pure male beauty, arms crossed on his chest, long, long legs planted.
Mine.
All mine.
Not even one?
Honey.
Just one, Emme.
I’ve never wanted kids, Jacob. That might be weird but it’s true. I just… that’s just not me. It’s never been me.
Long, painful pause then, This is a game changer, Emme.
“Voilà!”
I focused on myself in the mirror and forced yet another f**king smile.
“As usual, Dom, you’ve created a masterpiece,” I told him.
“For every artiste, to do such a thing, he must have the best material at his disposal,” he told me.
Dominic. He was such a cool guy. And right then he was cool because his compliment was genuine and his eyes were kind but concerned. The former made me smile sincerely. The latter just felt nice because he cared.
I paid and tipped huge.
Before I left, I gave Dom a hug at the same time I got a message whispered in my ear, “You ever need to talk, the line between stylist and client is a vague one, darling. Just call the salon and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”
He totally knew I wasn’t all right.
“Thanks, Dom,” I whispered back, knowing I’d never, not in a million years, do that.
And wondering again what was wrong with me that I wouldn’t.
He gave me a squeeze.
I gave him a smile as I left and got in Persephone.
Game changer, Emme.
I shut my eyes tight. Then I forced them open and looked to my purse. My phone was in my purse. Jacob would be in Denver by now. So if I called he wouldn’t be talking while driving.
I reached to the phone but stopped.
The truth was, I didn’t want kids.
I wanted a puppy.
I also, later, wanted a cat.
I wanted my house to be fixed up and I didn’t mind the fact that once it was, I’d be rambling around in it all alone. There’d always be a change of scenery. There’d always be something to do in the garden or somewhere on the property.
I’d never thought on it much, not before I was sick and truly, not even after. But when I did, I knew I wanted a man. A partner. Someone to share my time with. But only because it hit me unexpectedly just how alone I was.
But I’d never thought about kids.
I didn’t lie to Jacob. That just wasn’t me. I was thirty-four years old, had done my own thing and been responsible only to me for a very long time. Fitting a man in my life worked, that man being Jacob, it worked spectacularly. We were good together. We slid into that easily.
You didn’t fit a kid in your life.
A kid became your life.
It didn’t escape me after Jacob pointed it out that I was creating busy work to keep me from him.
This concerned me, and the only reason I could come up with as to why I would do that was because I’d never met a boyfriend’s parents much less the parents of the man I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I’d obviously been denying my anxiety of their impending visit and doing stupid stuff because of it.
Whatever it was, it was gone. It was back to good.
No. As with everything with Jacob, it was back to beauty.
Until last night.
A game changer, Emme.
I jumped again when Dom came back and put his hand on the back of my chair.
He smiled at me in the mirror and stated, “Time to wash you out.”
I smiled back, we chatted on the way to the sinks and we kept chatting until Dom started the head massage he always gave when he was letting the conditioner do its work.
Usually, this reduced me to jelly. Dom had strong hands. I’d only had one other head massage in my life—the one given to me by the stylist in Denver Erika took me to to give me my new look. But Dom’s were way better.
But that time, when I closed my eyes and tried to relax, it rushed me.
You don’t want kids?
No, honey.
Seriously?
Hesitation. Seriously.
Then that look. That look on his face, so close, us naked, Jacob lying on top of me.
That look of shock.
Disappointment.
Pain.
That look that shattered me because I knew what I’d said had shattered him.
We’d just made love. We were snuggling, touching, whispering, planning. Planning our lives and how they would come in the now. How neither Jacob nor I were happy he had to go to Denver for work and would be gone for the weekend, not back until Tuesday, which meant we’d be separated for the first time since we got together. How, after Jacob sorted this case that was troubling him, we were going to plan a vacation to somewhere exciting. Paris. London. Prague.
Then we moved on to planning our lives how they would come in the later.
And that was when Jacob asked me how many kids I wanted.
And my response was unexpected.
And unwelcome.
Not even one?
Honey.
I felt my eyes sting as Dom rinsed the conditioner out of my hair.
This is a game changer, Emme.
Dom wrapped my hair in a towel and announced, “You’re done, darling. Sit up. Let’s get you back to my station and unleash that beauty.”
I looked over my shoulder at him, smiled and chatted as we walked to his station.
It wasn’t until he was blow drying my hair and we couldn’t chitchat anymore before it came back to me.
That morning.
I saw Jacob standing in front of me. He’d pressed me into the side of my Bronco in his garage.
I was going to Dom’s. He was heading to Denver.
He kissed me, hard, long, amazing but also there was a hint of something else.
Longing.
Bleakness and longing.
It hurt.
Yes, a kiss hurt. But I felt it and when he lifted his head, I knew he felt it too.
“I’ll call,” he whispered, his hand at my neck, his thumb stroking my jaw. “But we’ll talk when I get home.”
I knew my eyes were wet because the vision of him was swimming as I said, “Okay, honey.”
“We’ll figure it out, Emme,” he promised.
I wanted to believe him. I really, really wanted to believe him.
But I didn’t believe him.
“Love you, Jacob,” I whispered and he smiled.
That was bleak too.
“Love you too, Emme.”
He gave me another kiss then waited until I climbed into Persephone so he could swing my door shut for me. I smiled at him through the windshield, another fake one, as he thumped his hand palm flat on my hood and moved away from the truck.
I pulled out of his garage and did it with my eyes glued to him. He stood in his garage, tall, strong, pure male beauty, arms crossed on his chest, long, long legs planted.
Mine.
All mine.
Not even one?
Honey.
Just one, Emme.
I’ve never wanted kids, Jacob. That might be weird but it’s true. I just… that’s just not me. It’s never been me.
Long, painful pause then, This is a game changer, Emme.
“Voilà!”
I focused on myself in the mirror and forced yet another f**king smile.
“As usual, Dom, you’ve created a masterpiece,” I told him.
“For every artiste, to do such a thing, he must have the best material at his disposal,” he told me.
Dominic. He was such a cool guy. And right then he was cool because his compliment was genuine and his eyes were kind but concerned. The former made me smile sincerely. The latter just felt nice because he cared.
I paid and tipped huge.
Before I left, I gave Dom a hug at the same time I got a message whispered in my ear, “You ever need to talk, the line between stylist and client is a vague one, darling. Just call the salon and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”
He totally knew I wasn’t all right.
“Thanks, Dom,” I whispered back, knowing I’d never, not in a million years, do that.
And wondering again what was wrong with me that I wouldn’t.
He gave me a squeeze.
I gave him a smile as I left and got in Persephone.
Game changer, Emme.
I shut my eyes tight. Then I forced them open and looked to my purse. My phone was in my purse. Jacob would be in Denver by now. So if I called he wouldn’t be talking while driving.
I reached to the phone but stopped.
The truth was, I didn’t want kids.
I wanted a puppy.
I also, later, wanted a cat.
I wanted my house to be fixed up and I didn’t mind the fact that once it was, I’d be rambling around in it all alone. There’d always be a change of scenery. There’d always be something to do in the garden or somewhere on the property.
I’d never thought on it much, not before I was sick and truly, not even after. But when I did, I knew I wanted a man. A partner. Someone to share my time with. But only because it hit me unexpectedly just how alone I was.
But I’d never thought about kids.
I didn’t lie to Jacob. That just wasn’t me. I was thirty-four years old, had done my own thing and been responsible only to me for a very long time. Fitting a man in my life worked, that man being Jacob, it worked spectacularly. We were good together. We slid into that easily.
You didn’t fit a kid in your life.
A kid became your life.
