Kaleidoscope
Page 70
I kept my head in my hand but lifted my eyes to her. “I love him.”
“Oh, baby,” she whispered.
“I… he was… we’ve known each other for years and it’s always been him for me,” I shared.
Krystal leaned into her forearms on the bar and said, “If that’s so, girl, then maybe you should rethink this kid thing.”
I kept close but dropped my hand to the bar. “That’s not me.”
“For him can you make it you?” Lauren asked.
“Kids consume your life,” I told them.
“They don’t,” Lauren replied. “Even as they do. It’s just that it happens in a way you like.”
I didn’t agree.
Lauren went on, “I’ve never carried a child but Tate’s got a son. If you’ve been around these parts awhile, you probably know that his mother was killed, so Jonas is with us all the time. We’re a family. I got him when he was older but I treasure the day he came into my life and every day he’s been in it since.”
“That’s cool. You’re cool,” I stated. “You’re that kind of lady. But I promise, after that discussion, that kiss, I’ve been rolling it over and over in my head and I think about it. I think of giving in. And I just…” I swallowed. “Don’t want that to be my life. I never thought about it. Thinking about it, bottom line, it’s just not me.”
Lauren looked at Krystal but Krystal was looking at me.
“You two, you’d make beautiful babies,” she declared, and something about that hit me like a punch right in the middle of my chest, winding me.
“Been ’round Faye and Chace’s a lot the last coupla weeks. Faye says Deck’s been around a lot too. Sometimes with you, sometimes durin’ the day just to check in,” she informed me.
I knew this. Again, Jacob was determined to make a lasting impression on Chace and Faye’s baby and when he was determined, he did something about it even if the thing he was determined about couldn’t cogitate.
More, he and Chace were very close. Jacob was super happy that Chace was happy. And he was the kind of man who enjoyed sharing that kind of thing with someone he cared about.
That thought also hit me in the chest.
“Faye says that kid’s the apple of his eye,” Krystal kept talking. “Says it’s cute, how he is with little Jake. Now, we all know, nothin’ about Deck is cute, but I figure that’d be all kinds of cute, that big man bonding with a little baby. He has that with his best friend’s kid, what’s he gonna give your family?”
It was then, the vision of Jacob holding the newborn Jake, completely consumed by the child he held so gently in his strapping arms, hit me, which delivered another blow to the sternum and I was again finding it hard to breathe.
It’d been beautiful. The most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
Until later that night when he’d lifted his head, looked in my eyes and told me he wanted to build a life with me.
“My advice,” Krystal cut into my thoughts. “Do not make any decisions about ending things. Do not make any declarations about anything. He’s gone four days. You take four days to think on the man you got in your bed. How he looks at you. How he treats you. How, honest to God, there are not many good men out there. How he is with little Jake. How you got that rambling wreck of a house and how it’d come alive, filled with babies. And you reconsider.”
“Krys,” Lauren again said warningly, and Krystal’s eyes shot to her.
“Am I wrong?”
Lauren held her gaze then she looked at me. “She’s not, you know.”
“I—” I started, but Lauren darted her hand out and took hold of mine.
“Like Krys says, no decisions, no declarations. Four days and you take that time to think. If it really isn’t you, okay. If it’s something else, explore that. If you have some issue with carrying a baby, then consider adoption or surrogacy. If it’s something deeper and you can’t talk with Deck about it, you call me, Krystal, Faye, whoever, and chat. We won’t say anything to anybody. And we’ll listen.”
She gave my hand a squeeze and looked deep in my eyes, hers searching, and she kept going but this time softly.
“But Krys is only mostly right. My experience, but that’s only been lately, is that there are good men out there and that number is not limited. But that doesn’t mean they’re easy to find, easy to get or easy to keep.” Another hand squeeze then, “That also doesn’t mean you have to give up bits of yourself to get them. Give into something you don’t want that will change the course of your life to keep them. But it does mean you need to think very hard about any decision that will affect your future with them.”
Like Jacob that morning, my vision of her was swimming when she was done talking and I whispered, “Girl posses are awesome.”
The blurry vision of Lauren smiled.
“They’re about to get awesomer because we’re bringin’ in sandwiches, we’re gettin’ some of Shambles’s cakes from La-La Land and you’re drinkin’ yourself stinkin’ drunk with your girls,” Krystal declared.
I blinked my tears away, looked to her, gave her a wobbly smile and she went on.
“You’re trashed, Bubba’ll drive your car while Laurie or me drive you home. So you’re covered. Food. Booze. Company. And a safe way home. Now settle in, girl, we’re about to perform the initiation ceremony.”
My wobbly smile got stronger.
She didn’t smile at me.
She poured more vodka in my shot glass.
When it was full, I took it and threw it back.
* * *
Five hours later…
When I got home I went straight to my computer in the library.
I dumped my bag and turned my computer on.
I wasn’t exactly drunk, seeing as I’d switched to beer and sipping, and sandwiches turned into pizza later. Still, I was in no state to drive, so Krystal brought me home with Bubba driving Persephone (and complaining, with a hint of teasing but more grumpiness, about my “Free to Fly” butterfly on my rearview mirror, proving Jacob right about the whole Bronco thing).
As the computer came on, my eyes wandered to the wallpaper and my mind wandered to the fact that I really needed to do something about it. There wasn’t much of it but it was seriously ugly. The walls would look better stripped, even if it would likely take a year and a half to cover them with something better.
“Oh, baby,” she whispered.
“I… he was… we’ve known each other for years and it’s always been him for me,” I shared.
Krystal leaned into her forearms on the bar and said, “If that’s so, girl, then maybe you should rethink this kid thing.”
I kept close but dropped my hand to the bar. “That’s not me.”
“For him can you make it you?” Lauren asked.
“Kids consume your life,” I told them.
“They don’t,” Lauren replied. “Even as they do. It’s just that it happens in a way you like.”
I didn’t agree.
Lauren went on, “I’ve never carried a child but Tate’s got a son. If you’ve been around these parts awhile, you probably know that his mother was killed, so Jonas is with us all the time. We’re a family. I got him when he was older but I treasure the day he came into my life and every day he’s been in it since.”
“That’s cool. You’re cool,” I stated. “You’re that kind of lady. But I promise, after that discussion, that kiss, I’ve been rolling it over and over in my head and I think about it. I think of giving in. And I just…” I swallowed. “Don’t want that to be my life. I never thought about it. Thinking about it, bottom line, it’s just not me.”
Lauren looked at Krystal but Krystal was looking at me.
“You two, you’d make beautiful babies,” she declared, and something about that hit me like a punch right in the middle of my chest, winding me.
“Been ’round Faye and Chace’s a lot the last coupla weeks. Faye says Deck’s been around a lot too. Sometimes with you, sometimes durin’ the day just to check in,” she informed me.
I knew this. Again, Jacob was determined to make a lasting impression on Chace and Faye’s baby and when he was determined, he did something about it even if the thing he was determined about couldn’t cogitate.
More, he and Chace were very close. Jacob was super happy that Chace was happy. And he was the kind of man who enjoyed sharing that kind of thing with someone he cared about.
That thought also hit me in the chest.
“Faye says that kid’s the apple of his eye,” Krystal kept talking. “Says it’s cute, how he is with little Jake. Now, we all know, nothin’ about Deck is cute, but I figure that’d be all kinds of cute, that big man bonding with a little baby. He has that with his best friend’s kid, what’s he gonna give your family?”
It was then, the vision of Jacob holding the newborn Jake, completely consumed by the child he held so gently in his strapping arms, hit me, which delivered another blow to the sternum and I was again finding it hard to breathe.
It’d been beautiful. The most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
Until later that night when he’d lifted his head, looked in my eyes and told me he wanted to build a life with me.
“My advice,” Krystal cut into my thoughts. “Do not make any decisions about ending things. Do not make any declarations about anything. He’s gone four days. You take four days to think on the man you got in your bed. How he looks at you. How he treats you. How, honest to God, there are not many good men out there. How he is with little Jake. How you got that rambling wreck of a house and how it’d come alive, filled with babies. And you reconsider.”
“Krys,” Lauren again said warningly, and Krystal’s eyes shot to her.
“Am I wrong?”
Lauren held her gaze then she looked at me. “She’s not, you know.”
“I—” I started, but Lauren darted her hand out and took hold of mine.
“Like Krys says, no decisions, no declarations. Four days and you take that time to think. If it really isn’t you, okay. If it’s something else, explore that. If you have some issue with carrying a baby, then consider adoption or surrogacy. If it’s something deeper and you can’t talk with Deck about it, you call me, Krystal, Faye, whoever, and chat. We won’t say anything to anybody. And we’ll listen.”
She gave my hand a squeeze and looked deep in my eyes, hers searching, and she kept going but this time softly.
“But Krys is only mostly right. My experience, but that’s only been lately, is that there are good men out there and that number is not limited. But that doesn’t mean they’re easy to find, easy to get or easy to keep.” Another hand squeeze then, “That also doesn’t mean you have to give up bits of yourself to get them. Give into something you don’t want that will change the course of your life to keep them. But it does mean you need to think very hard about any decision that will affect your future with them.”
Like Jacob that morning, my vision of her was swimming when she was done talking and I whispered, “Girl posses are awesome.”
The blurry vision of Lauren smiled.
“They’re about to get awesomer because we’re bringin’ in sandwiches, we’re gettin’ some of Shambles’s cakes from La-La Land and you’re drinkin’ yourself stinkin’ drunk with your girls,” Krystal declared.
I blinked my tears away, looked to her, gave her a wobbly smile and she went on.
“You’re trashed, Bubba’ll drive your car while Laurie or me drive you home. So you’re covered. Food. Booze. Company. And a safe way home. Now settle in, girl, we’re about to perform the initiation ceremony.”
My wobbly smile got stronger.
She didn’t smile at me.
She poured more vodka in my shot glass.
When it was full, I took it and threw it back.
* * *
Five hours later…
When I got home I went straight to my computer in the library.
I dumped my bag and turned my computer on.
I wasn’t exactly drunk, seeing as I’d switched to beer and sipping, and sandwiches turned into pizza later. Still, I was in no state to drive, so Krystal brought me home with Bubba driving Persephone (and complaining, with a hint of teasing but more grumpiness, about my “Free to Fly” butterfly on my rearview mirror, proving Jacob right about the whole Bronco thing).
As the computer came on, my eyes wandered to the wallpaper and my mind wandered to the fact that I really needed to do something about it. There wasn’t much of it but it was seriously ugly. The walls would look better stripped, even if it would likely take a year and a half to cover them with something better.
