Kaleidoscope
Page 85
Emme said nothing, but even in the shadows, he could see her face working as she thought this through.
Then she whispered, “He said, ‘You scream, you’ll never see your mother and father again.’ ”
Fuck, how could she spend time with that f**king guy? It may have been grief he couldn’t control guiding his actions, but he still f**ked up a young girl.
And that f**k-up started with those words.
In that moment, Deck would give up everything he’d worked for to have the ability to erase those words from her memory.
But he didn’t have that ability.
The only thing he could do was whisper in reply, “You made the right choice, Emme.”
“That was… what I’m saying is, that was not him. To say that. To threaten me like that. I think in some deep part of him he knew that he was going to return me to Mom and Dad. But he said it and he said it in a way that I knew he meant it.”
“So you made the right choice,” Deck stated.
“I have… I was…” She shook her head slightly then he heard her draw breath in through her nose. “I wish I’d screamed.”
He lifted his other hand to curl around her neck. “Everyone, every person on this earth with enough age to have lived a life, has regrets. They look back and wish they’d done something differently. You aren’t alone in that, honey.”
“But what I wished I’d done differently would have saved Mom and Dad three days of terror, decades of fear and a man from spending five years in prison.”
Oh yeah, she was holding guilt.
Fuck.
His fingers reflexively flexed into her neck, he forced them to relax and noted, “You were twelve, taken from a playground. This was not your choice. Your choices were taken away. You hold no guilt for what happened in the aftermath for everyone involved in dealing with one man’s choice.”
“I understand that logically, Jacob. But it’s hard to piece that together in my head. Now that the floodgates have opened, it keeps coming at me.”
“How do I help you get to piecing that together?” he asked instantly and watched her eyes close.
Then she dropped her head so her forehead was resting on his mouth.
This was another thing Emme now did. In ways that were unusual and sweet, she sought his affection and she did it when she needed him to balm some hurt she was feeling. After he’d see her wince for no reason, she’d come to him, wrap her arms around him, get up on her toes and press her face in his neck. They’d be lazing around watching TV, her face would hold pain, she’d turn her head and press her forehead to his lips.
And all he had to do was hold her or kiss her, she’d move slightly away but not pull away, look at him and the pain would be gone.
It was a gift she gave him, allowing him to take away her pain.
So that was exactly what he did. He moved to take away her pain and kissed her forehead.
But this time was different.
This time, she didn’t pull away immediately.
Instead, she whispered, “You know, I really, really like you.”
He smiled against her skin and muttered, “Yeah. I know.”
She moved away and caught his eyes.
Another change, because this time, even in the moonlight, he could see the pain was gone but her eyes were still conflicted.
“I have to tell you something,” she murmured so quietly, he barely heard her.
“What, baby?” he asked and she held his eyes.
Then she announced in a weighty voice that made Deck brace, “I lied.”
“About what?” he asked carefully.
“Way back when, the first time I was telling you about what happened with Harvey. I lied,” she told him.
“How did you lie?”
She drew in a long breath and let it out, saying, “I was terrified. The whole time I was with him. Totally terrified. From the moment he threatened me to the moment he took me to the police station and I saw my parents.”
Deck said nothing. This was another breakthrough. Quieter and not terrifying to witness, but vitally important and he needed to let her sort it out in her head without intervening.
When he said nothing, she continued.
“I think… looking back, I think when I was with Harvey back when he took me, I shut down. He was acting so strangely, it totally freaked me out. And I think… I think…”
She trailed off, again appearing reflective before she came back to him and said in a whisper that sounded like a confession, “I think I sought him out after, when I was an adult, because I had to believe he was a good guy doing bad things. I had to find a way to erase that fear I held with me for three days, worried what he’d do to me, about how he was acting. Worried if I would see my family again. How I knew Mom and Dad were probably wild with terror. I knew it was all wrong and very, very bad, but I had no power and I was scared out of my mind. I sought him out later because of why he did what he did and that he took me to the police station. I had twisted it my head that he was a good guy and I needed to make that real, I think, in an effort to erase that fear. Maybe to get some of my power back. But also to give myself the ability to build a wall around those memories so they would stop tearing me apart.”
Deck wanted to howl with elation that she’d finally untwisted that in her head.
But he didn’t.
He simply gave her a smile and murmured, “I think you’re right, baby.”
“It just turned out he actually was a good guy,” she went on.
“Yeah,” he replied.
“I shouldn’t have gone to him,” she admitted softly.
“Don’t hold that guilt,” Deck warned quickly but gently. “I told you, he’s good with this. He wants you to heal.”
She held his eyes and nodded.
She again drifted away, her face working before she came back to him and focused.
“They told me,” she declared.
They were going somewhere else now, he knew it. He just didn’t know where she was taking them.
“Who told you what, baby?”
“Nina,” she stated.
He felt his brows draw together. Then Emme, always challenging him in ways he liked, and some lately that weren’t much fun, did it again. But in a way he didn’t much like.
She did this by saying, “They know what happened to me and they were careful when they shared. But I asked, so they shared. They told me about Nina getting kidnapped and nearly shot.”
At her words, he had a feeling he knew where she was taking them, his body got tight and he couldn’t control it. But she didn’t seem to feel it and went on.
Then she whispered, “He said, ‘You scream, you’ll never see your mother and father again.’ ”
Fuck, how could she spend time with that f**king guy? It may have been grief he couldn’t control guiding his actions, but he still f**ked up a young girl.
And that f**k-up started with those words.
In that moment, Deck would give up everything he’d worked for to have the ability to erase those words from her memory.
But he didn’t have that ability.
The only thing he could do was whisper in reply, “You made the right choice, Emme.”
“That was… what I’m saying is, that was not him. To say that. To threaten me like that. I think in some deep part of him he knew that he was going to return me to Mom and Dad. But he said it and he said it in a way that I knew he meant it.”
“So you made the right choice,” Deck stated.
“I have… I was…” She shook her head slightly then he heard her draw breath in through her nose. “I wish I’d screamed.”
He lifted his other hand to curl around her neck. “Everyone, every person on this earth with enough age to have lived a life, has regrets. They look back and wish they’d done something differently. You aren’t alone in that, honey.”
“But what I wished I’d done differently would have saved Mom and Dad three days of terror, decades of fear and a man from spending five years in prison.”
Oh yeah, she was holding guilt.
Fuck.
His fingers reflexively flexed into her neck, he forced them to relax and noted, “You were twelve, taken from a playground. This was not your choice. Your choices were taken away. You hold no guilt for what happened in the aftermath for everyone involved in dealing with one man’s choice.”
“I understand that logically, Jacob. But it’s hard to piece that together in my head. Now that the floodgates have opened, it keeps coming at me.”
“How do I help you get to piecing that together?” he asked instantly and watched her eyes close.
Then she dropped her head so her forehead was resting on his mouth.
This was another thing Emme now did. In ways that were unusual and sweet, she sought his affection and she did it when she needed him to balm some hurt she was feeling. After he’d see her wince for no reason, she’d come to him, wrap her arms around him, get up on her toes and press her face in his neck. They’d be lazing around watching TV, her face would hold pain, she’d turn her head and press her forehead to his lips.
And all he had to do was hold her or kiss her, she’d move slightly away but not pull away, look at him and the pain would be gone.
It was a gift she gave him, allowing him to take away her pain.
So that was exactly what he did. He moved to take away her pain and kissed her forehead.
But this time was different.
This time, she didn’t pull away immediately.
Instead, she whispered, “You know, I really, really like you.”
He smiled against her skin and muttered, “Yeah. I know.”
She moved away and caught his eyes.
Another change, because this time, even in the moonlight, he could see the pain was gone but her eyes were still conflicted.
“I have to tell you something,” she murmured so quietly, he barely heard her.
“What, baby?” he asked and she held his eyes.
Then she announced in a weighty voice that made Deck brace, “I lied.”
“About what?” he asked carefully.
“Way back when, the first time I was telling you about what happened with Harvey. I lied,” she told him.
“How did you lie?”
She drew in a long breath and let it out, saying, “I was terrified. The whole time I was with him. Totally terrified. From the moment he threatened me to the moment he took me to the police station and I saw my parents.”
Deck said nothing. This was another breakthrough. Quieter and not terrifying to witness, but vitally important and he needed to let her sort it out in her head without intervening.
When he said nothing, she continued.
“I think… looking back, I think when I was with Harvey back when he took me, I shut down. He was acting so strangely, it totally freaked me out. And I think… I think…”
She trailed off, again appearing reflective before she came back to him and said in a whisper that sounded like a confession, “I think I sought him out after, when I was an adult, because I had to believe he was a good guy doing bad things. I had to find a way to erase that fear I held with me for three days, worried what he’d do to me, about how he was acting. Worried if I would see my family again. How I knew Mom and Dad were probably wild with terror. I knew it was all wrong and very, very bad, but I had no power and I was scared out of my mind. I sought him out later because of why he did what he did and that he took me to the police station. I had twisted it my head that he was a good guy and I needed to make that real, I think, in an effort to erase that fear. Maybe to get some of my power back. But also to give myself the ability to build a wall around those memories so they would stop tearing me apart.”
Deck wanted to howl with elation that she’d finally untwisted that in her head.
But he didn’t.
He simply gave her a smile and murmured, “I think you’re right, baby.”
“It just turned out he actually was a good guy,” she went on.
“Yeah,” he replied.
“I shouldn’t have gone to him,” she admitted softly.
“Don’t hold that guilt,” Deck warned quickly but gently. “I told you, he’s good with this. He wants you to heal.”
She held his eyes and nodded.
She again drifted away, her face working before she came back to him and focused.
“They told me,” she declared.
They were going somewhere else now, he knew it. He just didn’t know where she was taking them.
“Who told you what, baby?”
“Nina,” she stated.
He felt his brows draw together. Then Emme, always challenging him in ways he liked, and some lately that weren’t much fun, did it again. But in a way he didn’t much like.
She did this by saying, “They know what happened to me and they were careful when they shared. But I asked, so they shared. They told me about Nina getting kidnapped and nearly shot.”
At her words, he had a feeling he knew where she was taking them, his body got tight and he couldn’t control it. But she didn’t seem to feel it and went on.
