Kick, Push
Page 21
“So just say it,” I tell her.
“The other day, when your friend Chloe was here, I thought it was Natalie.”
“Yeah. I figured.”
“I don’t know, Josh. I kind of just felt weird about it.”
“Is that why you’ve been a little…I don’t know, standoffish?”
She shrugs. “Is she nice?”
“Who? Chloe?”
She shakes her head.
“Natalie?”
She nods.
“I don’t really know. She hasn’t been around since Tommy was born.”
Her eyes widen. “Oh. I thought maybe—”
“No,” I cut in.
“Have you thought about what you would do if she came back in your lives?”
“Every day.”
She doesn’t respond, not with words, but she backs away and lowers her gaze.
With shaky fingers, I take her hand, bring it to my lips and kiss it softly. “Becca, I need you to say what you’re thinking.”
With her eyes fixed on our joined hands, she whispers, “Would you want her back?”
“No,” I say quickly. “That ship’s way passed sailed.”
“So…”
My shoulders drop with my forced exhale, causing her to look at me. “She’s Tommy’s mom, Becca. I’m not going to lie, if she came back and wanted to be part of Tommy’s life, I can’t, and I won’t, stop that from happening. I’ve spent nights thinking about it. At first, I told myself that she would have nothing to do with him. That I’d shut her out and protect him. But then I realized I wasn’t protecting him. I was protecting my heart… and he deserved to have both parents. If the time ever comes…”
“Do you still love her?” she asks.
I hesitate.
And that slight hesitation is answer enough.
“I can’t lie, Becca.”
“I understand.”
“Do you, though?”
She glances toward her house, where the sound of Tommy and Chazarae’s laughter echo through our surroundings. “Nothing can replace a mother’s love,” she says, but there’s something off about the way she says it, almost like she’s mad that such a statement exists.
Chazarae opens the door and pokes her head out. “Tommy’s all tucked into my bed. He asked if he could stay the night?”
I nod. “Sure.”
Becca releases my hand and stands up. Then she gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Goodnight, Josh, and thanks again.”
Hours go by and I spend those hours in bed, tossing and turning. And then tossing and turning some more. I check my phone for what feels like the millionth time. It’s just past two in the morning.
Finally succumbing to the voices in my head, I pick up my phone and dial a number.
Not hers.
Hunter answers, whispering a “Hey.”
“Sorry to call so late.”
“No such thing, Shitstain. Everything good with you?”
I nod even though he can’t see it. “I met a girl.”
“So Chloe’s told me. I’ve been waiting for this call,” he says, and I picture him smiling lazily. “Tell me everything.” A door clicks shut at his end and footsteps sound, as if he’s walking away from the bed he shares with his wife. “What’s she like?”
“Insanely hot.”
He laughs. “What are we talking here? An eight? Nine?”
“Eleventy-three.”
“Niiiice.”
I bite my lip, preventing the grin from forming. “We’re such pigs.”
“True. But I know you, Josh. She’s not just hot. That’s not why you’re calling me at two in the morning. So?”
I cover my eyes with my forearm and sigh heavily. “She asked about Natalie.”
“What about Natalie?”
“She asked if I still loved her.”
“You told her the truth, didn’t you?”
I clear my throat. “I didn’t have to.”
“You know, I was thinking about you the other day.”
“Yeah? Was I naked?”
“Shut up, asshole.”
“Continue.”
“Natalie—she’s kind of like your version of cancer.”
With a chuckle, I say, “Wow. We’ve called her a lot of things before but never a terminal disease.”
“No. Hear me out. It made sense when I was thinking about it… maybe not so much now.” I wait a moment, knowing he’s gathering his thoughts into words. “So, before I met Chloe, she’d been afraid to get close to people because of the cancer. It was always in the back of her mind, you know? Forming a relationship and then having to end it… I mean, I get it, but I wouldn’t accept it. She pushed and pushed me away until she finally realized I wasn’t going anywhere.” He blows out a breath and continues, “Natalie—she’s kind of your cancer. She’s the thought that plagues your mind—that haunts you—so much so it makes it hard for you to move forward, to build relationships, to fall in love. And one day your cancer might appear, just like it did with Chloe. But it shouldn’t stop you from building the life you want. There are some things you have no control over, and some things you can take control of. How you deal with the Natalie issue is your choice.”
I let his words sink in, and I think about Chloe and how little my problems seem compared to hers. “I’m sorry. About Chloe and the cancer.”
“I’m sorry too,” he says. “About Natalie. You shouldn’t be sorry about Chloe, though.”
“Were you scared when you found out?”
“Yeah. Just like one day, whoever you’re with will be scared that Natalie might one day show up in your life. But if the girl loves you half as much as I love Chloe, she’ll stick around. And she’ll regret it if she doesn’t. You and Tommy—you’re worth sticking around for.”
I laugh to hide my true emotions. “You’re such a little bitch, Hunter.”
But Hunter will know I’m faking it because he knows me better than anyone. Still, he laughs. “And you, dear Joshua, need to get laid.”
“Why the hell do you think I’m calling you at two in the morning?”
“Because you woke up from a dream about me naked? That’s cool.”
“Good chat.”
“Nice talk.”
“Later, Hunter.”
“Josh?”
“Yeah?”
“All bullshit aside, I meant what I said. Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t settle. The world owes you and Tommy. You’ll get it one day. You’ll have it all.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Tell C-Lo I love her.”
“Will do.”
“Go back to your wife.”
“Go back to your rub and tug.”
I hang up and stare at my phone. Then I shoot out of bed, forgetting the time and everything else that’s important. I draw open the curtains and look at Becca’s window. Then I dial her number.
“Hello?” she squeaks.
“Can you look out your window?”
“What time is it?” she whispers.
“The other day, when your friend Chloe was here, I thought it was Natalie.”
“Yeah. I figured.”
“I don’t know, Josh. I kind of just felt weird about it.”
“Is that why you’ve been a little…I don’t know, standoffish?”
She shrugs. “Is she nice?”
“Who? Chloe?”
She shakes her head.
“Natalie?”
She nods.
“I don’t really know. She hasn’t been around since Tommy was born.”
Her eyes widen. “Oh. I thought maybe—”
“No,” I cut in.
“Have you thought about what you would do if she came back in your lives?”
“Every day.”
She doesn’t respond, not with words, but she backs away and lowers her gaze.
With shaky fingers, I take her hand, bring it to my lips and kiss it softly. “Becca, I need you to say what you’re thinking.”
With her eyes fixed on our joined hands, she whispers, “Would you want her back?”
“No,” I say quickly. “That ship’s way passed sailed.”
“So…”
My shoulders drop with my forced exhale, causing her to look at me. “She’s Tommy’s mom, Becca. I’m not going to lie, if she came back and wanted to be part of Tommy’s life, I can’t, and I won’t, stop that from happening. I’ve spent nights thinking about it. At first, I told myself that she would have nothing to do with him. That I’d shut her out and protect him. But then I realized I wasn’t protecting him. I was protecting my heart… and he deserved to have both parents. If the time ever comes…”
“Do you still love her?” she asks.
I hesitate.
And that slight hesitation is answer enough.
“I can’t lie, Becca.”
“I understand.”
“Do you, though?”
She glances toward her house, where the sound of Tommy and Chazarae’s laughter echo through our surroundings. “Nothing can replace a mother’s love,” she says, but there’s something off about the way she says it, almost like she’s mad that such a statement exists.
Chazarae opens the door and pokes her head out. “Tommy’s all tucked into my bed. He asked if he could stay the night?”
I nod. “Sure.”
Becca releases my hand and stands up. Then she gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Goodnight, Josh, and thanks again.”
Hours go by and I spend those hours in bed, tossing and turning. And then tossing and turning some more. I check my phone for what feels like the millionth time. It’s just past two in the morning.
Finally succumbing to the voices in my head, I pick up my phone and dial a number.
Not hers.
Hunter answers, whispering a “Hey.”
“Sorry to call so late.”
“No such thing, Shitstain. Everything good with you?”
I nod even though he can’t see it. “I met a girl.”
“So Chloe’s told me. I’ve been waiting for this call,” he says, and I picture him smiling lazily. “Tell me everything.” A door clicks shut at his end and footsteps sound, as if he’s walking away from the bed he shares with his wife. “What’s she like?”
“Insanely hot.”
He laughs. “What are we talking here? An eight? Nine?”
“Eleventy-three.”
“Niiiice.”
I bite my lip, preventing the grin from forming. “We’re such pigs.”
“True. But I know you, Josh. She’s not just hot. That’s not why you’re calling me at two in the morning. So?”
I cover my eyes with my forearm and sigh heavily. “She asked about Natalie.”
“What about Natalie?”
“She asked if I still loved her.”
“You told her the truth, didn’t you?”
I clear my throat. “I didn’t have to.”
“You know, I was thinking about you the other day.”
“Yeah? Was I naked?”
“Shut up, asshole.”
“Continue.”
“Natalie—she’s kind of like your version of cancer.”
With a chuckle, I say, “Wow. We’ve called her a lot of things before but never a terminal disease.”
“No. Hear me out. It made sense when I was thinking about it… maybe not so much now.” I wait a moment, knowing he’s gathering his thoughts into words. “So, before I met Chloe, she’d been afraid to get close to people because of the cancer. It was always in the back of her mind, you know? Forming a relationship and then having to end it… I mean, I get it, but I wouldn’t accept it. She pushed and pushed me away until she finally realized I wasn’t going anywhere.” He blows out a breath and continues, “Natalie—she’s kind of your cancer. She’s the thought that plagues your mind—that haunts you—so much so it makes it hard for you to move forward, to build relationships, to fall in love. And one day your cancer might appear, just like it did with Chloe. But it shouldn’t stop you from building the life you want. There are some things you have no control over, and some things you can take control of. How you deal with the Natalie issue is your choice.”
I let his words sink in, and I think about Chloe and how little my problems seem compared to hers. “I’m sorry. About Chloe and the cancer.”
“I’m sorry too,” he says. “About Natalie. You shouldn’t be sorry about Chloe, though.”
“Were you scared when you found out?”
“Yeah. Just like one day, whoever you’re with will be scared that Natalie might one day show up in your life. But if the girl loves you half as much as I love Chloe, she’ll stick around. And she’ll regret it if she doesn’t. You and Tommy—you’re worth sticking around for.”
I laugh to hide my true emotions. “You’re such a little bitch, Hunter.”
But Hunter will know I’m faking it because he knows me better than anyone. Still, he laughs. “And you, dear Joshua, need to get laid.”
“Why the hell do you think I’m calling you at two in the morning?”
“Because you woke up from a dream about me naked? That’s cool.”
“Good chat.”
“Nice talk.”
“Later, Hunter.”
“Josh?”
“Yeah?”
“All bullshit aside, I meant what I said. Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t settle. The world owes you and Tommy. You’ll get it one day. You’ll have it all.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Tell C-Lo I love her.”
“Will do.”
“Go back to your wife.”
“Go back to your rub and tug.”
I hang up and stare at my phone. Then I shoot out of bed, forgetting the time and everything else that’s important. I draw open the curtains and look at Becca’s window. Then I dial her number.
“Hello?” she squeaks.
“Can you look out your window?”
“What time is it?” she whispers.
