Kick, Push
Page 3
I kicked the brick wall.
And I broke some more.
Tommy cried louder.
I slid down the wall until I was next to him and pulled him out of the seat and into my arms. Rocking him. Soothing him.
And I cried—tasting my tears mixed with his sweat on his forehead as I kissed him. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. Daddy’s gonna make it okay. Daddy isn’t going anywhere, okay? I’ll never leave you. Never. I promise.”
I wiped my eyes and nose with the sleeve of my hoodie and tried to calm down. But we were both crying, and his cries made me cry harder, because as much as I promised to make it right—I had no idea how to.
Then the strangest thing happened.
The tiniest ray of sunlight shone between the two buildings. The strength of it causing Tommy to flinch, then open his eyes, long enough to possibly see the outline of my face.
He stopped crying.
I stopped crying.
Then something dropped next to my feet. My longboard.
“What the…”
I looked up.
An old lady was smiling down at me. She had dark skin, like she came from an exotic island somewhere. “You need gas money? I need a young man to help me shop for groceries and give me a ride home.” She had an accent.
I sniffed and stood up, Tommy still in my arms. Then I looked down at my board. “What? How did—”
“Let’s go.”
“Wait…”
“What are your names?” she asked.
“Joshua.” I lifted Tommy slightly. “This is my son Tommy.”
She raised her arms, her eyes soft and pleading. There was a hint of pride in her expression—the way my mom used to look at me before everything went to shit. For that reason, I felt safe enough to hand over the only thing that mattered to me. She smiled warmly and looked down at my son. “He’s beautiful.” She motioned her head toward the car seat and my board. “Don’t forget your things. Let’s go.”
“Wait,” I said again, picking up the items off the ground. “W-what’s your name?”
“Chazarae.”
I followed her around the store while she did her grocery shopping. She kept her hold on Tommy and asked me to collect things for her cart. She said, “I have my niece staying with me next week. She has a newborn, like Tommy. So get what you think I’ll need for the baby.”
I grabbed a box of diapers and wipes. She said to get a tin of formula just in case. The entire time I was in a trance, still worried about where the hell I’d be sleeping that night. She paid for the groceries and we headed back out to Hunter’s car.
He called the second we were all settled. “I was wondering if I could borrow the car tomorrow. Dad’s set up a meeting with a recruiter.”
I laughed once. “It’s your car man, I’ll uh…” I glanced over at Chazarae sitting next to me. “I’ll call you later. We can work it out.”
I didn’t want Chazarae hearing that I’d planned on sleeping in it that night. I had enough shame to deal with.
She directed me to her house about ten minutes away. “Just up there,” she said, pointing to a garage apartment. The main house was to the right of the driveway. It was two-story—nice enough—with a perfectly kept garden. She took Tommy, still in the car seat, up the stairs to her apartment while I carried her groceries. I left the first batch of bags at the front door and went back twice more before lugging them all inside. She set Tommy on the counter of the tiny kitchen and started to turn on some lights in the small space. I helped her unload, noticing when she powered up the fridge from the outlet behind it. Weird.
Once the groceries were put away, she turned to me. “How about a ride back to my car now?”
My eyes widened. “But you said—”
She stepped forward, cutting me off, and held my hands in hers. “Joshua. I saw you at the grocery store. I saw your heart shatter when you could not care for your son the way you wanted. I saw that same heart disintegrate when you let go of something you cared about in that skateboard shop.”
“There is no niece, is there?” I choked out.
She ignored me and looked around. “I know it’s not much of a house, but you and Tommy—you can make it your home.”
I get asked a lot how I do it: raise a kid on my own and not be bitter about the life that’d been handed to me. Here’s the answer: I wake up every morning. That’s it.
There are no hidden secrets, no words of wisdom or encouragement.
I wake up.
Breathe new air.
And fall even deeper in love with a kid I created.
Tommy squatted in front of the cereal aisle, his face contorting with that look I’d come to recognize over the past year of his existence. Then he started to grunt.
I grimaced. “I bet it’s a big poop, huh?”
His face turned a shade darker. He grunted louder and I couldn’t help but laugh. He watched me watching him through his clear blue eyes. I’d read somewhere that a lot of babies are born with blue eyes but they can change over time. A part of me had hoped that his would change, become brown like mine. Because every time I looked in his eyes, I saw Natalie. It didn’t make me angry or pissed off like it would most. It just kind of bugged me. Like, I wish he had more of me in him than her. You know… considering she wasn’t even around to see the epic poop-face that I was currently witnessing.
A diaper change and two aisles later, I heard, “Josh, is that you?” and I turned to see my Uncle Robby and his wife walking toward me, huge grins on both their faces. Uncle Robby was my dad’s stepbrother. He was only ten years older than me so he was more like a cousin than anything. We didn’t see each other often, once a year maybe, twice if we were lucky, but not once since Tommy was born.
I stopped pushing the cart and waited for them to join me. Robby’s wife, Kim, smiled even wider when she saw Tommy.
“Who’s this little guy?” Robby asked, and my heart dropped and realization set in: Dad was so ashamed he didn’t even tell his family about us.
I cleared my throat and raised my chin, my pride overpowering the need to sulk. “This is my son Tommy.”
Robby’s eyes went wide. “Your son?”
I nodded.
He looked from me to Tommy and back again. “Your dad never mentioned it.”
“Yeah, well my dad’s kind of an asshole,” I murmured.
“How old is he?”
“Nearly one,” I told him.
“Huh,” he said, then added, “You guys want to grab some lunch?”
“Can’t. Gotta get this stuff home and unpacked and Tommy needs to nap.” I turned the cart to face the exit. “What are you guys doing here anyway? I thought you moved to Charlotte?”
Kim answered, “We moved back a month ago. How about we take you boys out for dinner tomorrow night?”
Something felt off. When people found out I had a kid there were normally two reactions. (1) They ran the other direction and (2) They looked at me with so much pity in their eyes I wanted to punch them.
The last person who welcomed me was Chazarae and, honestly, I believe that was a higher person’s doing. I wasn’t religious, didn’t believe in a God, not unless she came in the form of a quiet but sometimes-kooky old Hawaiian lady who talked to her plants.
And I broke some more.
Tommy cried louder.
I slid down the wall until I was next to him and pulled him out of the seat and into my arms. Rocking him. Soothing him.
And I cried—tasting my tears mixed with his sweat on his forehead as I kissed him. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. Daddy’s gonna make it okay. Daddy isn’t going anywhere, okay? I’ll never leave you. Never. I promise.”
I wiped my eyes and nose with the sleeve of my hoodie and tried to calm down. But we were both crying, and his cries made me cry harder, because as much as I promised to make it right—I had no idea how to.
Then the strangest thing happened.
The tiniest ray of sunlight shone between the two buildings. The strength of it causing Tommy to flinch, then open his eyes, long enough to possibly see the outline of my face.
He stopped crying.
I stopped crying.
Then something dropped next to my feet. My longboard.
“What the…”
I looked up.
An old lady was smiling down at me. She had dark skin, like she came from an exotic island somewhere. “You need gas money? I need a young man to help me shop for groceries and give me a ride home.” She had an accent.
I sniffed and stood up, Tommy still in my arms. Then I looked down at my board. “What? How did—”
“Let’s go.”
“Wait…”
“What are your names?” she asked.
“Joshua.” I lifted Tommy slightly. “This is my son Tommy.”
She raised her arms, her eyes soft and pleading. There was a hint of pride in her expression—the way my mom used to look at me before everything went to shit. For that reason, I felt safe enough to hand over the only thing that mattered to me. She smiled warmly and looked down at my son. “He’s beautiful.” She motioned her head toward the car seat and my board. “Don’t forget your things. Let’s go.”
“Wait,” I said again, picking up the items off the ground. “W-what’s your name?”
“Chazarae.”
I followed her around the store while she did her grocery shopping. She kept her hold on Tommy and asked me to collect things for her cart. She said, “I have my niece staying with me next week. She has a newborn, like Tommy. So get what you think I’ll need for the baby.”
I grabbed a box of diapers and wipes. She said to get a tin of formula just in case. The entire time I was in a trance, still worried about where the hell I’d be sleeping that night. She paid for the groceries and we headed back out to Hunter’s car.
He called the second we were all settled. “I was wondering if I could borrow the car tomorrow. Dad’s set up a meeting with a recruiter.”
I laughed once. “It’s your car man, I’ll uh…” I glanced over at Chazarae sitting next to me. “I’ll call you later. We can work it out.”
I didn’t want Chazarae hearing that I’d planned on sleeping in it that night. I had enough shame to deal with.
She directed me to her house about ten minutes away. “Just up there,” she said, pointing to a garage apartment. The main house was to the right of the driveway. It was two-story—nice enough—with a perfectly kept garden. She took Tommy, still in the car seat, up the stairs to her apartment while I carried her groceries. I left the first batch of bags at the front door and went back twice more before lugging them all inside. She set Tommy on the counter of the tiny kitchen and started to turn on some lights in the small space. I helped her unload, noticing when she powered up the fridge from the outlet behind it. Weird.
Once the groceries were put away, she turned to me. “How about a ride back to my car now?”
My eyes widened. “But you said—”
She stepped forward, cutting me off, and held my hands in hers. “Joshua. I saw you at the grocery store. I saw your heart shatter when you could not care for your son the way you wanted. I saw that same heart disintegrate when you let go of something you cared about in that skateboard shop.”
“There is no niece, is there?” I choked out.
She ignored me and looked around. “I know it’s not much of a house, but you and Tommy—you can make it your home.”
I get asked a lot how I do it: raise a kid on my own and not be bitter about the life that’d been handed to me. Here’s the answer: I wake up every morning. That’s it.
There are no hidden secrets, no words of wisdom or encouragement.
I wake up.
Breathe new air.
And fall even deeper in love with a kid I created.
Tommy squatted in front of the cereal aisle, his face contorting with that look I’d come to recognize over the past year of his existence. Then he started to grunt.
I grimaced. “I bet it’s a big poop, huh?”
His face turned a shade darker. He grunted louder and I couldn’t help but laugh. He watched me watching him through his clear blue eyes. I’d read somewhere that a lot of babies are born with blue eyes but they can change over time. A part of me had hoped that his would change, become brown like mine. Because every time I looked in his eyes, I saw Natalie. It didn’t make me angry or pissed off like it would most. It just kind of bugged me. Like, I wish he had more of me in him than her. You know… considering she wasn’t even around to see the epic poop-face that I was currently witnessing.
A diaper change and two aisles later, I heard, “Josh, is that you?” and I turned to see my Uncle Robby and his wife walking toward me, huge grins on both their faces. Uncle Robby was my dad’s stepbrother. He was only ten years older than me so he was more like a cousin than anything. We didn’t see each other often, once a year maybe, twice if we were lucky, but not once since Tommy was born.
I stopped pushing the cart and waited for them to join me. Robby’s wife, Kim, smiled even wider when she saw Tommy.
“Who’s this little guy?” Robby asked, and my heart dropped and realization set in: Dad was so ashamed he didn’t even tell his family about us.
I cleared my throat and raised my chin, my pride overpowering the need to sulk. “This is my son Tommy.”
Robby’s eyes went wide. “Your son?”
I nodded.
He looked from me to Tommy and back again. “Your dad never mentioned it.”
“Yeah, well my dad’s kind of an asshole,” I murmured.
“How old is he?”
“Nearly one,” I told him.
“Huh,” he said, then added, “You guys want to grab some lunch?”
“Can’t. Gotta get this stuff home and unpacked and Tommy needs to nap.” I turned the cart to face the exit. “What are you guys doing here anyway? I thought you moved to Charlotte?”
Kim answered, “We moved back a month ago. How about we take you boys out for dinner tomorrow night?”
Something felt off. When people found out I had a kid there were normally two reactions. (1) They ran the other direction and (2) They looked at me with so much pity in their eyes I wanted to punch them.
The last person who welcomed me was Chazarae and, honestly, I believe that was a higher person’s doing. I wasn’t religious, didn’t believe in a God, not unless she came in the form of a quiet but sometimes-kooky old Hawaiian lady who talked to her plants.
