Kick, Push
Page 30
“Well, you’ve stayed here every night so I know you haven’t had any more nightmares. Is there something else going on?”
She shakes her head, a frown on her lips as she tries to hold back another sob. “I think I’m going crazy,” she says. “Just being in the house all day waiting for you to come home… I don’t know…”
I scratch my head, trying to come up with a way to help her. “You know Tommy’s birthday’s coming up and I wanted to throw him a party—but work’s been crazy lately and I haven’t had a chance to plan anything. I was going to ask if you could help me out.”
She sits up a little higher—at least I know she’s actually hearing me.
“It doesn’t have to be big,” I add. “Just family and close friends. He’s never had a party before. I thought it’d be cool now that you’re part of our lives… we can celebrate it together?”
The tiniest hint of a smile forms on her perfectly beautiful face. She nods; her arms around my neck squeezing me tighter. “I want to do it,” she whispers. “But I want it to be a surprise, okay?”
When Becca said she wanted it to be a surprise, I was kind of confused, but I let her do it anyway. And now I know why. She isn’t throwing Tommy a party as much as she’s throwing me one. She’s gone all out with skateboard themed decorations and a skateboard cake and even though the only people here are Robby, Kim, Hunter and Chloe and of course, Grams, she put so much time and thought into every single detail. And while I can still see a hint of the same sadness she’d been carrying with her lately, she doesn’t let it show. At least not to anyone else. She makes an effort to listen in on conversations—which is probably why her and Chloe take an instant liking to each other. Chloe talks. Becca listens. At one point, I even hear Becca speak—something about magnets. She also makes sure to capture every single moment with her camera. It’s kind of sad that Tommy won’t remember this—but I sure as hell will. I’ll remember today for the rest of my life, because it’s the first day since Tommy was born that I realized something. Tommy and I—we have support.
But above that, we have family.
I come up behind her as she pins more images onto the collage she’d made filled with pictures of Tommy and I.
Her hand covers mine resting on her stomach. “Do you like it?” she whispers.
“I love it,” I tell her. “I love everything about this day. You’re kind of amazing, you know that? This… All of this. It means everything to me, Becca. Everything.”
She tilts her head up to look at me but I’m too busy scanning all the different pictures. The one of me in the hospital holding him for the first time. Me giving him his first bath. Me with him sleeping peacefully on my chest. Him sitting on a skateboard with a hood over his head and his first pair of sunglasses with me behind him taking the picture. There had to be over a hundred pictures. Each one of just my son and I. I let out a nervous laugh. “You’ve got me in every single one.”
She doesn’t answer for a while, so I finally look down at her. She’s already watching me, her lips pulled down to a frown. Then she reaches up and cups my face. “Well, yeah, Tommy’s three years old today, that means you raised him for three years. You. And you did an amazing job because look at him,” she says, pointing to the pictures. “Look how beautiful he is. How happy he is. You did that, Josh. You gave him a life worth smiling about.” She pauses a beat. “We’re not just here to celebrate Tommy’s birthday. We’re all here to celebrate you.”
“I tired. I go bed,” Tommy says through a yawn, standing up from the couch. I stand up too. “You sure, bud? You don’t want to watch the end of the movie?”
He shakes his head.
“All right, I’ll come tuck you in.”
Raising a hand, he says, “I’m free. I go nigh nighs by my own now.”
A chuckle bubbles out of me as I sit back down. “Okay then.”
“Fank you for my party.”
“That was all Becca, Tommy. She did it all.”
He steps forward, his arms tight around my neck. “Good night, Daddy, I love you.”
“Aw. I love you, too, bud.”
He releases me and hugs Becca. “Good night, Mommy, I love you.”
Becca tenses, her eyes wide.
I hold my breath, my mind racing and I try come up with a quick explanation, or at least a response. “Um, no, Tommy…” I grab his arm and gently stand him in front of me. “Tommy, Becca—she’s not your mommy.”
His eyes lock on mine, so innocent and pure, and he just stands there waiting for me to give him the answers he needs but the words are caught in my throat and I can’t—“Where’s my mommy, Daddy?”
I look at Becca. “Can you give us a minute?”
-Becca-
It should be impossible to feel so much at once. Love.
Hate.
Envy.
Despair.
Sadness.
Guilt.
Yet here I am, sitting on the steps just outside their door, and I feel all of it. It’s like a weight pulling down on my heart and the only thing I can do to survive is breathe.
Through the pain.
The excitement.
The longing for something that isn’t mine.
That never will be.
Inhale.
Exhale.
My phone buzzes in my hand, pulling me from my thoughts.
Joshua: Are you able to come back?
Becca: I’m just outside on the stairs.
A moment later he steps out, his hands in his pockets and his eyes on mine. “You waited for me?”
With a shrug, I say, “I figure you might need to talk.” I wait for him to sit down next to me before asking, “How did it go?”
He leans forward, his elbows on his knees and looks up at the stars—the stars that were once so bright now dim because of my emotions. He clears his throat before speaking. “It was hard.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I knew that at some point he’d ask. I’ve thought about it so many times—everything that I would say to him. But to actually say it…” He inhales sharply. “I think it’s more that I don’t really have an answer for him. I wanted to tell him that his mom just wasn’t around, but that she still loved him… and I couldn’t even do that because I don’t know if it’s true. And I’m scared that it’s something he’s going to feel for the rest of his life. He’s going to wonder where she is and why she doesn’t want him. I think that’s what I worry about the most; that he’s going to think less of himself, and less of me, because of her. And I don’t want that for him.”
I hug his arm to my chest and kiss it once. “I know, babe.”
“I’m sorry, Becca,” he says, and I pull back surprised.
“Why are you sorry?”
“Because I froze when he said it to you. I should’ve said something then and there. I don’t want you to think I’m not happy he thinks of you like that—like you’re his mom—because to him, you’re the closest thing to one… I just don’t want to confuse him and I think that’s what’s happening—especially with you spending the night and us kissing around him and—”
She shakes her head, a frown on her lips as she tries to hold back another sob. “I think I’m going crazy,” she says. “Just being in the house all day waiting for you to come home… I don’t know…”
I scratch my head, trying to come up with a way to help her. “You know Tommy’s birthday’s coming up and I wanted to throw him a party—but work’s been crazy lately and I haven’t had a chance to plan anything. I was going to ask if you could help me out.”
She sits up a little higher—at least I know she’s actually hearing me.
“It doesn’t have to be big,” I add. “Just family and close friends. He’s never had a party before. I thought it’d be cool now that you’re part of our lives… we can celebrate it together?”
The tiniest hint of a smile forms on her perfectly beautiful face. She nods; her arms around my neck squeezing me tighter. “I want to do it,” she whispers. “But I want it to be a surprise, okay?”
When Becca said she wanted it to be a surprise, I was kind of confused, but I let her do it anyway. And now I know why. She isn’t throwing Tommy a party as much as she’s throwing me one. She’s gone all out with skateboard themed decorations and a skateboard cake and even though the only people here are Robby, Kim, Hunter and Chloe and of course, Grams, she put so much time and thought into every single detail. And while I can still see a hint of the same sadness she’d been carrying with her lately, she doesn’t let it show. At least not to anyone else. She makes an effort to listen in on conversations—which is probably why her and Chloe take an instant liking to each other. Chloe talks. Becca listens. At one point, I even hear Becca speak—something about magnets. She also makes sure to capture every single moment with her camera. It’s kind of sad that Tommy won’t remember this—but I sure as hell will. I’ll remember today for the rest of my life, because it’s the first day since Tommy was born that I realized something. Tommy and I—we have support.
But above that, we have family.
I come up behind her as she pins more images onto the collage she’d made filled with pictures of Tommy and I.
Her hand covers mine resting on her stomach. “Do you like it?” she whispers.
“I love it,” I tell her. “I love everything about this day. You’re kind of amazing, you know that? This… All of this. It means everything to me, Becca. Everything.”
She tilts her head up to look at me but I’m too busy scanning all the different pictures. The one of me in the hospital holding him for the first time. Me giving him his first bath. Me with him sleeping peacefully on my chest. Him sitting on a skateboard with a hood over his head and his first pair of sunglasses with me behind him taking the picture. There had to be over a hundred pictures. Each one of just my son and I. I let out a nervous laugh. “You’ve got me in every single one.”
She doesn’t answer for a while, so I finally look down at her. She’s already watching me, her lips pulled down to a frown. Then she reaches up and cups my face. “Well, yeah, Tommy’s three years old today, that means you raised him for three years. You. And you did an amazing job because look at him,” she says, pointing to the pictures. “Look how beautiful he is. How happy he is. You did that, Josh. You gave him a life worth smiling about.” She pauses a beat. “We’re not just here to celebrate Tommy’s birthday. We’re all here to celebrate you.”
“I tired. I go bed,” Tommy says through a yawn, standing up from the couch. I stand up too. “You sure, bud? You don’t want to watch the end of the movie?”
He shakes his head.
“All right, I’ll come tuck you in.”
Raising a hand, he says, “I’m free. I go nigh nighs by my own now.”
A chuckle bubbles out of me as I sit back down. “Okay then.”
“Fank you for my party.”
“That was all Becca, Tommy. She did it all.”
He steps forward, his arms tight around my neck. “Good night, Daddy, I love you.”
“Aw. I love you, too, bud.”
He releases me and hugs Becca. “Good night, Mommy, I love you.”
Becca tenses, her eyes wide.
I hold my breath, my mind racing and I try come up with a quick explanation, or at least a response. “Um, no, Tommy…” I grab his arm and gently stand him in front of me. “Tommy, Becca—she’s not your mommy.”
His eyes lock on mine, so innocent and pure, and he just stands there waiting for me to give him the answers he needs but the words are caught in my throat and I can’t—“Where’s my mommy, Daddy?”
I look at Becca. “Can you give us a minute?”
-Becca-
It should be impossible to feel so much at once. Love.
Hate.
Envy.
Despair.
Sadness.
Guilt.
Yet here I am, sitting on the steps just outside their door, and I feel all of it. It’s like a weight pulling down on my heart and the only thing I can do to survive is breathe.
Through the pain.
The excitement.
The longing for something that isn’t mine.
That never will be.
Inhale.
Exhale.
My phone buzzes in my hand, pulling me from my thoughts.
Joshua: Are you able to come back?
Becca: I’m just outside on the stairs.
A moment later he steps out, his hands in his pockets and his eyes on mine. “You waited for me?”
With a shrug, I say, “I figure you might need to talk.” I wait for him to sit down next to me before asking, “How did it go?”
He leans forward, his elbows on his knees and looks up at the stars—the stars that were once so bright now dim because of my emotions. He clears his throat before speaking. “It was hard.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I knew that at some point he’d ask. I’ve thought about it so many times—everything that I would say to him. But to actually say it…” He inhales sharply. “I think it’s more that I don’t really have an answer for him. I wanted to tell him that his mom just wasn’t around, but that she still loved him… and I couldn’t even do that because I don’t know if it’s true. And I’m scared that it’s something he’s going to feel for the rest of his life. He’s going to wonder where she is and why she doesn’t want him. I think that’s what I worry about the most; that he’s going to think less of himself, and less of me, because of her. And I don’t want that for him.”
I hug his arm to my chest and kiss it once. “I know, babe.”
“I’m sorry, Becca,” he says, and I pull back surprised.
“Why are you sorry?”
“Because I froze when he said it to you. I should’ve said something then and there. I don’t want you to think I’m not happy he thinks of you like that—like you’re his mom—because to him, you’re the closest thing to one… I just don’t want to confuse him and I think that’s what’s happening—especially with you spending the night and us kissing around him and—”
