Kick, Push
Page 64
I nod, even though we both know it’s a lie.
I’m not ready. How can I be?
But I made a promise to him that I’d try.
Just like I’d try to drive; another item on my list of fears.
It didn’t go well, but at least I tried.
He’d sat in the passenger’s seat and showed me what everything was, and then asked me to ease onto the accelerator. I’d done it. But as soon as we were on the road I’d panicked and hit the brake at the same time. The screeching sound of the wheels spinning but the car not moving had set off something inside me. It also set me back three months of therapy. I’d blacked out apparently; like I was living in the nightmare and I’d just screamed. He’d held me until it was over and then he drove home, where I’d spent the next three days in bed, awake and alive but completely dead inside.
Dead dead dead.
Just like my mother.
He’d kept my bedroom door open and at night I’d see him there watching me, coffee in his hand, his shoulder against the doorframe and he’d cry.
He hadn’t known I’d seen him.
I’d never tell him.
He’d sat on the seat in the corner of my room and had continued to watch me. I’d thought about Henry Warden—the man who died with regrets. And I didn’t want that for him—so I’d agreed when my therapist had suggested the bucket list of fears… but on one condition. I wanted him with me when I ticked off every one.
Which I guess is why a half hour later he’s standing by my side, twenty feet away from a tour bus with the giant Globe shoes logo on the side.
“Is that him?” he asks, and I can feel everything inside me move faster, beat harder, and then drop.
My heart.
My stomach.
Everything drops when I look at the bus; at the open door and the kid in his father’s arms, as he gets handed over to his mother.
Tommy laughs and Natalie smiles as she takes him from Josh who steps out of the bus and wraps his arms around both of them. He kisses his son first, on the cheek.
And then he kisses her.
On the forehead.
They laugh together—this beautiful family.
Natalie places Tommy on the ground, her hand holding his and they turn and walk away.
“Is it?” Dad asks.
I nod once, tears pricking my eyes as I try to hold it together.
I watch Josh.
He watches his family.
Time stands still.
After a while, he drops his gaze and shoves his hands in his pockets, his broad shoulders lifting as he kicks the toe of his shoe against the ground.
I close my eyes, trying to find some relief from the pain—pain I was not at all expecting.
Finally, I look up. Up. UP.
And everything stops.
Everything.
My breath.
His foot.
My heart.
His mouth.
My world.
Everything.
Stops.
Then he takes a step forward.
And everything starts again.
Only now, it’s all amplified.
He comes closer and closer, all while I stand still, afraid—not of him—but of the devastating love I still feel for him.
“He sees you, Becca.”
To be continued…
Other Books by Jay McLean
More Than Series
More Than This
More Than Her
More Than Him
More Than Forever
The Road Series
Where the Road Takes Me
Combative Series
Combative #1
Boy Toy Chronicles
Boy Toy Chronicles – Volume One (Tyler West)
Table of Contents
Title
Dedication
Prologue
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
Epilogue
Other Books by Jay McLean
I’m not ready. How can I be?
But I made a promise to him that I’d try.
Just like I’d try to drive; another item on my list of fears.
It didn’t go well, but at least I tried.
He’d sat in the passenger’s seat and showed me what everything was, and then asked me to ease onto the accelerator. I’d done it. But as soon as we were on the road I’d panicked and hit the brake at the same time. The screeching sound of the wheels spinning but the car not moving had set off something inside me. It also set me back three months of therapy. I’d blacked out apparently; like I was living in the nightmare and I’d just screamed. He’d held me until it was over and then he drove home, where I’d spent the next three days in bed, awake and alive but completely dead inside.
Dead dead dead.
Just like my mother.
He’d kept my bedroom door open and at night I’d see him there watching me, coffee in his hand, his shoulder against the doorframe and he’d cry.
He hadn’t known I’d seen him.
I’d never tell him.
He’d sat on the seat in the corner of my room and had continued to watch me. I’d thought about Henry Warden—the man who died with regrets. And I didn’t want that for him—so I’d agreed when my therapist had suggested the bucket list of fears… but on one condition. I wanted him with me when I ticked off every one.
Which I guess is why a half hour later he’s standing by my side, twenty feet away from a tour bus with the giant Globe shoes logo on the side.
“Is that him?” he asks, and I can feel everything inside me move faster, beat harder, and then drop.
My heart.
My stomach.
Everything drops when I look at the bus; at the open door and the kid in his father’s arms, as he gets handed over to his mother.
Tommy laughs and Natalie smiles as she takes him from Josh who steps out of the bus and wraps his arms around both of them. He kisses his son first, on the cheek.
And then he kisses her.
On the forehead.
They laugh together—this beautiful family.
Natalie places Tommy on the ground, her hand holding his and they turn and walk away.
“Is it?” Dad asks.
I nod once, tears pricking my eyes as I try to hold it together.
I watch Josh.
He watches his family.
Time stands still.
After a while, he drops his gaze and shoves his hands in his pockets, his broad shoulders lifting as he kicks the toe of his shoe against the ground.
I close my eyes, trying to find some relief from the pain—pain I was not at all expecting.
Finally, I look up. Up. UP.
And everything stops.
Everything.
My breath.
His foot.
My heart.
His mouth.
My world.
Everything.
Stops.
Then he takes a step forward.
And everything starts again.
Only now, it’s all amplified.
He comes closer and closer, all while I stand still, afraid—not of him—but of the devastating love I still feel for him.
“He sees you, Becca.”
To be continued…
Other Books by Jay McLean
More Than Series
More Than This
More Than Her
More Than Him
More Than Forever
The Road Series
Where the Road Takes Me
Combative Series
Combative #1
Boy Toy Chronicles
Boy Toy Chronicles – Volume One (Tyler West)
Table of Contents
Title
Dedication
Prologue
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
Epilogue
Other Books by Jay McLean
