Knights' Sinner
Page 49
I don’t bother arguing; I just nod my head and climb into the truck. A moment later, Ciara joins me. She surprises me by reaching over and taking my hand.
Neither of us say anything.
We don’t have to.
It’s just there.
~*~*~*
JACKSON
It burns. It fucking burns. Betrayal, it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. It’s reliving Addison’s mother all over again. Except this time, I really had given my heart over. I love Serenity, heart and motherfuckin’ soul, and she betrayed me. I can’t think around it, I can’t breathe without it hurting. Everything I started to believe in, is now fucking gone.
“Daddy,” Addison whispers beside me.
I don’t look at her, but I feel her hand sneak into mine, and she grips it.
“It’s not her fault.”
I want to scream at her, to shake her, to tell her it is Serenity’s fault. She made the fucking choice. She lied. She did this. Not me. And now she’s pregnant, fuck, she’s pregnant and it fucking hurts. It hurts because I am too soft, I don’t want to leave a child alone, and I sure as shit don’t wanna leave it in Hogan’s world. I’d never live with myself. But right now, I can’t even look at her. The anger inside me is so huge, I want to kill someone.
And she said she loves me.
She fucking loves me.
Love is bullshit. It’s a bullshit fucking lie that people make you believe will fix everything.
It fixes nothing.
“Daddy, she’s pregnant...she needs care.”
“Then you can fuckin’ care for her, if you feel the need to baby her so much,” I bark.
A few of the guys look over at me, but most of them keep their heads down. Addison pulls her hand from mine, and when I glance over at her, she’s giving me a look of pure hurt.
“That baby is a part of me, just like it’s a part of you. I don’t care how much you hate Serenity...that is your child. Would you have thrown me out so easily? Or is this what really happened with me?”
I turn on her, gripping her shoulders. “Watch what you fuckin’ accuse me of, Addison. I stood by your fuckin’ mother while she was pregnant.”
“But you won’t stand by Serenity.”
“She fucking lied to me.”
“So? So what? She fucked up. She’s paying for it. She was protecting someone she loved, which is more than you can say for yourself right now. Maybe she’s right; maybe you are just as cold hearted as her father.”
She shuffles through the crowd until she finds Muff, and she sits down beside him. I growl, and clench my fists.
Fuck this.
Just fuck it.
CHAPTER 19
SERENITY
The warehouse is large, three times the size of my fathers. It’s a solid two hours away from the compound, too, making it safer. It’s fully fenced, and the inside is sectioned into two, large, air-conditioned spaces. We basically halve it up, one lot of guys in one side, another in the other side, and us girls get a large office at the back. We all have air mattresses, or sleeping bags. We all found something we could sleep on. Jackson has a small space at the back to himself. Maybe it’s also an office? I don’t know.
Spike is taking the truck back for another run to get everyone’s clothes, plus some food and water. The warehouse is surrounded by thick, green trees, and there’s a creek running along the back of it. It’s very pretty up here, and if I wasn’t in the position I’m in right now, I’d really like this stay. Instead, I am curled up on the floor, Janine pressed against my back sleeping, and Ebony tucked into my arms, also sleeping. I’m not sleeping. I’m just staring.
Depression is a funny thing. It can creep up on you so quickly. One day, you can be feeling totally ok, the next you can think of nothing but escaping the pain. I feel trapped, like there’s no escape. Jackson hates me, and I have nowhere else to go after this but back to Hogan. I won’t do that. I won’t bring a child into that world. Janine said we could get a place together, but let’s face it, we’re both broke and have no job experience.
I’ve got no way out.
Suicide is selfish, or so everyone tells you. But when you’re in a position, where everything seems pointless, where you forget how to feel, how to love, how to breathe...then it doesn’t seem so selfish. Besides, it’s only selfish when you have someone to leave behind. I don’t. I have no one except Janine and Eb’s, and they’d be just fine without me. Of course they would. They would create their own world without me in it.
My chest clenches at the terrifying thought that I am actually contemplating my own life. I shake a little, and gently pry Ebony from my arms and get to my feet. I need to walk. To breathe. Something. I need to get these thoughts out, I need them to disappear. Something has to give. It has to. I can’t keep going on like this. I don’t want to keep feeling so broken. So empty.
I walk out into the main area, and there is a group of bikers surrounding a table. They’re all drinking and talking amongst themselves. I walk past them. My face blank.
“Serenity?” Spike calls.
I keep walking.
His fingers curl around my arm a moment later, and he spins me around. He jerks at my expression, because I know it’s completely empty. Not one, single emotion shows on my face. “You can’t go out there.”
I shake my arm from his grip, and turn, walking back towards the room. Like a zombie.
I feel like I’m empty.
Neither of us say anything.
We don’t have to.
It’s just there.
~*~*~*
JACKSON
It burns. It fucking burns. Betrayal, it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. It’s reliving Addison’s mother all over again. Except this time, I really had given my heart over. I love Serenity, heart and motherfuckin’ soul, and she betrayed me. I can’t think around it, I can’t breathe without it hurting. Everything I started to believe in, is now fucking gone.
“Daddy,” Addison whispers beside me.
I don’t look at her, but I feel her hand sneak into mine, and she grips it.
“It’s not her fault.”
I want to scream at her, to shake her, to tell her it is Serenity’s fault. She made the fucking choice. She lied. She did this. Not me. And now she’s pregnant, fuck, she’s pregnant and it fucking hurts. It hurts because I am too soft, I don’t want to leave a child alone, and I sure as shit don’t wanna leave it in Hogan’s world. I’d never live with myself. But right now, I can’t even look at her. The anger inside me is so huge, I want to kill someone.
And she said she loves me.
She fucking loves me.
Love is bullshit. It’s a bullshit fucking lie that people make you believe will fix everything.
It fixes nothing.
“Daddy, she’s pregnant...she needs care.”
“Then you can fuckin’ care for her, if you feel the need to baby her so much,” I bark.
A few of the guys look over at me, but most of them keep their heads down. Addison pulls her hand from mine, and when I glance over at her, she’s giving me a look of pure hurt.
“That baby is a part of me, just like it’s a part of you. I don’t care how much you hate Serenity...that is your child. Would you have thrown me out so easily? Or is this what really happened with me?”
I turn on her, gripping her shoulders. “Watch what you fuckin’ accuse me of, Addison. I stood by your fuckin’ mother while she was pregnant.”
“But you won’t stand by Serenity.”
“She fucking lied to me.”
“So? So what? She fucked up. She’s paying for it. She was protecting someone she loved, which is more than you can say for yourself right now. Maybe she’s right; maybe you are just as cold hearted as her father.”
She shuffles through the crowd until she finds Muff, and she sits down beside him. I growl, and clench my fists.
Fuck this.
Just fuck it.
CHAPTER 19
SERENITY
The warehouse is large, three times the size of my fathers. It’s a solid two hours away from the compound, too, making it safer. It’s fully fenced, and the inside is sectioned into two, large, air-conditioned spaces. We basically halve it up, one lot of guys in one side, another in the other side, and us girls get a large office at the back. We all have air mattresses, or sleeping bags. We all found something we could sleep on. Jackson has a small space at the back to himself. Maybe it’s also an office? I don’t know.
Spike is taking the truck back for another run to get everyone’s clothes, plus some food and water. The warehouse is surrounded by thick, green trees, and there’s a creek running along the back of it. It’s very pretty up here, and if I wasn’t in the position I’m in right now, I’d really like this stay. Instead, I am curled up on the floor, Janine pressed against my back sleeping, and Ebony tucked into my arms, also sleeping. I’m not sleeping. I’m just staring.
Depression is a funny thing. It can creep up on you so quickly. One day, you can be feeling totally ok, the next you can think of nothing but escaping the pain. I feel trapped, like there’s no escape. Jackson hates me, and I have nowhere else to go after this but back to Hogan. I won’t do that. I won’t bring a child into that world. Janine said we could get a place together, but let’s face it, we’re both broke and have no job experience.
I’ve got no way out.
Suicide is selfish, or so everyone tells you. But when you’re in a position, where everything seems pointless, where you forget how to feel, how to love, how to breathe...then it doesn’t seem so selfish. Besides, it’s only selfish when you have someone to leave behind. I don’t. I have no one except Janine and Eb’s, and they’d be just fine without me. Of course they would. They would create their own world without me in it.
My chest clenches at the terrifying thought that I am actually contemplating my own life. I shake a little, and gently pry Ebony from my arms and get to my feet. I need to walk. To breathe. Something. I need to get these thoughts out, I need them to disappear. Something has to give. It has to. I can’t keep going on like this. I don’t want to keep feeling so broken. So empty.
I walk out into the main area, and there is a group of bikers surrounding a table. They’re all drinking and talking amongst themselves. I walk past them. My face blank.
“Serenity?” Spike calls.
I keep walking.
His fingers curl around my arm a moment later, and he spins me around. He jerks at my expression, because I know it’s completely empty. Not one, single emotion shows on my face. “You can’t go out there.”
I shake my arm from his grip, and turn, walking back towards the room. Like a zombie.
I feel like I’m empty.
