Leah on the Offbeat
Page 30
I adjust Eva’s headphones over my ears and give a few experimental taps on the snare. Electronic kits always throw me for a second. Not to mention the fact that I’m being watched by a bunch of actual musicians in an actual college band.
And Abby.
I’m just so aware of her sometimes.
But this is drumming, and I know drumming. If I could kick ass in the school talent show two years in a row, I can kick ass now. It’s actually easier with headphones. They make me feel like my rhythms are a secret, like they live between my ears only. Even though I know that’s not true. The sound’s not deafening, like with an acoustic kit, but you can hear every thwack and tap on the pad. I just need to stop overthinking it.
I have to get in the zone. I have to find the pulse of the song and fall into it. I let my eyes drift shut as my sticks find the pads. I’ll pretend I’m just messing around in Nick’s basement. I don’t even have to play a real song. Just wherever my hands take me.
When I open my eyes, Tom’s nodding along, tapping the pads of his fingers together like guitar frets, the way Nick does. Nodoka’s eyes are closed. And I catch Eva mouthing to Victoria: wow.
I grin, cheeks burning. And Abby’s grinning, too.
I wouldn’t say Abby’s drunk, but she’s bright-eyed and smiley. She leans against me all the way back to Caitlin’s apartment.
“That was amazing,” she says. “Aren’t you glad we went?”
“Yeah,” I admit.
“You did great. I was like, damn. This girl is drumming for these college kids like it’s nothing.”
I laugh. “Okay.”
“You’re going to call them, right? You’re going to be their drummer, and I’m going to go to all your shows, and when you become famous, I’m going to tell everyone I know you.” She sinks down on the couch and tugs off her boots. “Do you think you’ll use a stage name?”
“I think we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves.”
I take my own boots off and tuck into the opposite corner of the couch. Funny how we’ve been here less than two days, but we’ve already claimed our couch territories. Me on the left, Abby on the right. An ocean of empty space in between us.
She leans back, sighing happily. “See, this is why I’m so glad to be single. Because I can just hang out with you and not have to run upstairs to call my boyfriend.” She stretches her foot out to tap it against mine. “I can just be in the moment. I love this.”
“Well, good.”
She glances at me sidelong. “But you have to stop being so talented. I can’t handle it.”
“I’m sorry.”
She smiles. “Don’t apologize.”
My heart thuds softly. She’s barely a hand’s width away from me.
“Actually, you should apologize.”
I laugh nervously. “Why?”
“For making me question things.”
I look at her. “Question what?”
“Things.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Let’s just say I really enjoyed watching you play.” She gives the tiniest smile.
“Watching me play made you question things?”
“Yes.” Her eyes flick downward. “So, can I ask you something?”
And just like that, my heart is racing. Something just shifted. I can’t explain it, but I can feel it.
“Okay.”
“I want to know who you like.”
“Trick question. I hate everyone.”
She laughs. “Okay, then who do you hate the least?”
“I don’t want to answer that.”
The corners of her mouth tug up. “Then you have to pick dare.”
“I didn’t realize we were playing Truth or Dare.”
“Of course we are.” She tucks her legs up and turns to face me, looking like she’s about to burst out laughing. But she doesn’t.
My breath hitches.
“I dare you to kiss me,” she says.
20
MY WHOLE BRAIN SHORT-CIRCUITS. I just stare at her, speechless.
“If you want to,” she adds, pressing her lips together.
“Do you want to?”
She nods, smiling faintly.
“Really?”
“Aren’t you curious?”
“I don’t know.” My heart won’t stop skittering. I’ve never kissed anyone before. I’ve spent so many hours worrying about that. Like, I’m going to mess this up. I know I will. I’ll be sloppy or wet or too passive or too eager.
Abby laughs under her breath. “Leah, relax.”
“I am. I’m just—”
All of a sudden, her lips are on mine. And I freeze.
Because.
Holy shit.
This is real. I’m kissing a person, and that person is Abby. It doesn’t compute.
But her fingers graze my jawline, her thumb on my chin. A million details hit me at once. The way our knees touch. The way my lips move against hers. She tastes like fruit punch and vodka. I can’t believe this is happening. My hands find her cheeks, and—
God. What the fuck am I doing? I don’t like Abby. I can’t like Abby, and I definitely can’t kiss Abby. I don’t even want to kiss her. Okay, maybe I used to want to. But that was barely anything. A month out of my life, ages and ages ago. It’s buried. It’s done. And I can’t—
Wow. My heart won’t stop pounding. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Because maybe it wasn’t ages ago. Maybe it’s now. Maybe it’s always.
It’s like a lamp flickering on inside my chest. In my throat. Below my stomach. I don’t know how to explain this. I don’t think my brain’s working.
Abby pulls back from the kiss, sinking into the couch cushions. She seems flustered, almost breathless. For a moment, we just stare at each other.
Then she laughs and says, “We’re pretty good at this for two straight girls.”
“I’m not straight.”
She freezes. “Wait . . . really?”
The air leaks from my lungs.
“Leah.” Abby reaches for my hand, but I jerk it away.
“Don’t.”
“Sorry,” she says quietly, eyes sliding shut. “I—I had no idea.”
“Yeah, well.” I shrug. Like it’s whatever. Like I could care less.
Except suddenly, I’m so angry, I’m shaking. “God, Abby, how dense are you? Seriously? I draw a picture where we’re practically on top of each other, and it didn’t occur to you that maybe, just maybe, I might actually like you?”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t—”
“And then you’re like, oh, I have a secret, I’m so nervous. How was I supposed to interpret that? But it’s not like it matters, because ta-da! Here’s Nick. And now you’re flirting with him. And now you’re dating him. And then the minute you’re single, there you are, hardcore flirting with me again. But of course, it doesn’t mean anything, because you’re so fucking hetero. And then you kiss me?” My voice breaks. “That was my first kiss, Abby.”
Her face crumples. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t care.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “I don’t even care. Just don’t fuck with my head. Please.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“Then why did you just kiss me?”
“Because I wanted to,” she says. “And I wanted to at Morgan’s house.”
My lungs empty out in a single fierce whoosh. “What?”
“That’s the secret. That’s it. I wanted to kiss you, but I was scared.” Her voice catches. “And I tried to tell you a million times, but I couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because, Leah, you’re terrifying. God. Half the time, I think you hate me.”
I mean, I can’t even look at her. It’s like I’ve been put on lockdown.
Abby’s close to tears. “I just feel so—I don’t know what to do. My cousin Cassie was just talking about how shitty and selfish it is for straight girls to flirt with lesbians because they’re curious or bored—”
And Abby.
I’m just so aware of her sometimes.
But this is drumming, and I know drumming. If I could kick ass in the school talent show two years in a row, I can kick ass now. It’s actually easier with headphones. They make me feel like my rhythms are a secret, like they live between my ears only. Even though I know that’s not true. The sound’s not deafening, like with an acoustic kit, but you can hear every thwack and tap on the pad. I just need to stop overthinking it.
I have to get in the zone. I have to find the pulse of the song and fall into it. I let my eyes drift shut as my sticks find the pads. I’ll pretend I’m just messing around in Nick’s basement. I don’t even have to play a real song. Just wherever my hands take me.
When I open my eyes, Tom’s nodding along, tapping the pads of his fingers together like guitar frets, the way Nick does. Nodoka’s eyes are closed. And I catch Eva mouthing to Victoria: wow.
I grin, cheeks burning. And Abby’s grinning, too.
I wouldn’t say Abby’s drunk, but she’s bright-eyed and smiley. She leans against me all the way back to Caitlin’s apartment.
“That was amazing,” she says. “Aren’t you glad we went?”
“Yeah,” I admit.
“You did great. I was like, damn. This girl is drumming for these college kids like it’s nothing.”
I laugh. “Okay.”
“You’re going to call them, right? You’re going to be their drummer, and I’m going to go to all your shows, and when you become famous, I’m going to tell everyone I know you.” She sinks down on the couch and tugs off her boots. “Do you think you’ll use a stage name?”
“I think we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves.”
I take my own boots off and tuck into the opposite corner of the couch. Funny how we’ve been here less than two days, but we’ve already claimed our couch territories. Me on the left, Abby on the right. An ocean of empty space in between us.
She leans back, sighing happily. “See, this is why I’m so glad to be single. Because I can just hang out with you and not have to run upstairs to call my boyfriend.” She stretches her foot out to tap it against mine. “I can just be in the moment. I love this.”
“Well, good.”
She glances at me sidelong. “But you have to stop being so talented. I can’t handle it.”
“I’m sorry.”
She smiles. “Don’t apologize.”
My heart thuds softly. She’s barely a hand’s width away from me.
“Actually, you should apologize.”
I laugh nervously. “Why?”
“For making me question things.”
I look at her. “Question what?”
“Things.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Let’s just say I really enjoyed watching you play.” She gives the tiniest smile.
“Watching me play made you question things?”
“Yes.” Her eyes flick downward. “So, can I ask you something?”
And just like that, my heart is racing. Something just shifted. I can’t explain it, but I can feel it.
“Okay.”
“I want to know who you like.”
“Trick question. I hate everyone.”
She laughs. “Okay, then who do you hate the least?”
“I don’t want to answer that.”
The corners of her mouth tug up. “Then you have to pick dare.”
“I didn’t realize we were playing Truth or Dare.”
“Of course we are.” She tucks her legs up and turns to face me, looking like she’s about to burst out laughing. But she doesn’t.
My breath hitches.
“I dare you to kiss me,” she says.
20
MY WHOLE BRAIN SHORT-CIRCUITS. I just stare at her, speechless.
“If you want to,” she adds, pressing her lips together.
“Do you want to?”
She nods, smiling faintly.
“Really?”
“Aren’t you curious?”
“I don’t know.” My heart won’t stop skittering. I’ve never kissed anyone before. I’ve spent so many hours worrying about that. Like, I’m going to mess this up. I know I will. I’ll be sloppy or wet or too passive or too eager.
Abby laughs under her breath. “Leah, relax.”
“I am. I’m just—”
All of a sudden, her lips are on mine. And I freeze.
Because.
Holy shit.
This is real. I’m kissing a person, and that person is Abby. It doesn’t compute.
But her fingers graze my jawline, her thumb on my chin. A million details hit me at once. The way our knees touch. The way my lips move against hers. She tastes like fruit punch and vodka. I can’t believe this is happening. My hands find her cheeks, and—
God. What the fuck am I doing? I don’t like Abby. I can’t like Abby, and I definitely can’t kiss Abby. I don’t even want to kiss her. Okay, maybe I used to want to. But that was barely anything. A month out of my life, ages and ages ago. It’s buried. It’s done. And I can’t—
Wow. My heart won’t stop pounding. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Because maybe it wasn’t ages ago. Maybe it’s now. Maybe it’s always.
It’s like a lamp flickering on inside my chest. In my throat. Below my stomach. I don’t know how to explain this. I don’t think my brain’s working.
Abby pulls back from the kiss, sinking into the couch cushions. She seems flustered, almost breathless. For a moment, we just stare at each other.
Then she laughs and says, “We’re pretty good at this for two straight girls.”
“I’m not straight.”
She freezes. “Wait . . . really?”
The air leaks from my lungs.
“Leah.” Abby reaches for my hand, but I jerk it away.
“Don’t.”
“Sorry,” she says quietly, eyes sliding shut. “I—I had no idea.”
“Yeah, well.” I shrug. Like it’s whatever. Like I could care less.
Except suddenly, I’m so angry, I’m shaking. “God, Abby, how dense are you? Seriously? I draw a picture where we’re practically on top of each other, and it didn’t occur to you that maybe, just maybe, I might actually like you?”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t—”
“And then you’re like, oh, I have a secret, I’m so nervous. How was I supposed to interpret that? But it’s not like it matters, because ta-da! Here’s Nick. And now you’re flirting with him. And now you’re dating him. And then the minute you’re single, there you are, hardcore flirting with me again. But of course, it doesn’t mean anything, because you’re so fucking hetero. And then you kiss me?” My voice breaks. “That was my first kiss, Abby.”
Her face crumples. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t care.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “I don’t even care. Just don’t fuck with my head. Please.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“Then why did you just kiss me?”
“Because I wanted to,” she says. “And I wanted to at Morgan’s house.”
My lungs empty out in a single fierce whoosh. “What?”
“That’s the secret. That’s it. I wanted to kiss you, but I was scared.” Her voice catches. “And I tried to tell you a million times, but I couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because, Leah, you’re terrifying. God. Half the time, I think you hate me.”
I mean, I can’t even look at her. It’s like I’ve been put on lockdown.
Abby’s close to tears. “I just feel so—I don’t know what to do. My cousin Cassie was just talking about how shitty and selfish it is for straight girls to flirt with lesbians because they’re curious or bored—”
