Let Me Be the One
Page 53
Does he believe his ex-wife used him to further her career?
Anthony stares into the distance for a long time before finally shaking his head. “I’d like to believe that’s not the case.”
“Oh my God, I can’t believe he all but said that I used our marriage to try and advance my career!” The phone fell from her hands, but Ryan just let it fall and pulled her closer.
“I’m sorry, Vicki.” He kissed the top of her head and his hands stroked down her back. She realized she was shaking against him as he said, “I’m sorry you were ever married to him. I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you all these years. My lawyer is going to make that reporter wish she was—”
“It’s not the reporter’s fault.” Funny, her voice sounded so steady when her insides felt like they’d shattered into tiny little shards swimming around inside her chest, a thousand little cuts nicking her as she rewound and replayed Anthony’s words in her head. “She didn’t put the words into his mouth. He’s the one who thought I was using him, even though the truth is that marrying him was the worst thing I could have done for my career.”
Anthony had always made sure to shove her into a shadowed background whenever she made the mistake of trying to catch even the smallest piece of the limelight that he’d already claimed for himself.
“He’s an idiot. We all know it.”
“You know it. I know it. But he just gave voice to what people have always, and will always, think. They think I used him.” She made herself meet Ryan’s concerned—and angry—gaze. “They’ll think I’m using you, too.”
“You can’t let him win. Not when he’s nothing but a bitter, self-absorbed prick.”
She didn’t want to let Anthony have any more of her soul than she’d already lost to him during their marriage. The only problem was, she couldn’t completely discount the fact that her ex might be just a little right, too.
“What about the fact that I didn’t tell you I was here until I needed you to step in with James to keep the fellowship from slipping away? Or what about the fact that I wanted to be with you for so long, but was so afraid to actually tell you how I felt—that I created this lie and pulled you and your family into my messed-up life? What if some part of what Anthony is saying about me, about the way he thinks I use people, is actually true?”
“Stop it.”
Ryan put his hands on her shoulders, but even though he was holding her firmly in front of him, his fingers on her skin were gentle. Loving.
“You reached out for me because I’m your friend and you were in an ugly situation. I came because I love you and would do absolutely anything for you. If you think I give a rat’s ass what anyone else thinks about you and me and our relationship, then you’re going to make me question everything you just told me in bed this morning.”
His eyes held hers, dark, intense, and full of unconditional love.
“Don’t do that, Vicki. Don’t even think about taking it back, not after I’ve waited so goddamned long to know that you feel the same way I do.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I would never take it back.”
Finally, he smiled at her as he brushed his thumbs across her cheeks. “I would never let you.” His phone rang again and he cursed when he looked down at the screen. “I’ve got to get on the team plane.” He cupped her face in his hands. “Promise me you won’t let any of the stupid things some ass**le said in an interview get in the way of finishing your brilliant sculpture. Especially not when you know he probably made sure that interview ran to coincide with his joining the fellowship board this week. You gave him ten years. He doesn’t deserve even one more second.”
Vicki had been on the move her whole life. She could feel that desperation to leave—to bury the past, to start over again in a place where her past didn’t matter and no one knew her—starting to take her over. If she left, she could still hold these memories of being so close to Ryan this past week inside herself forever. And no matter how far she went, she knew she would never forget what it felt like to be in his arms, to feel safe and cherished.
But…leaving Ryan once when she was just a teenager had nearly destroyed her.
How could she even think about running from him now?
Especially when his open arms were the only place she ever wanted to run to again—and he was oh so right about Anthony not deserving even one more second of her energy.
A heartbeat later, his hands were in her hair and her mouth was under his as he kissed her so thoroughly, so passionately, that everything fell away but Ryan...and how much she loved him.
When he finally let her go, she didn’t open her eyes right away, just let herself feel the hard, fast beat of his heart beneath her outstretched palms as she worked to catch her breath.
“All those years that he and I were together, I ignored that little voice that told me something wasn’t quite right with our marriage. It was so much easier to listen to his voice and to everyone around me who said I’d be crazy not to want him. And he was so smooth, always had the perfect excuse for everything. I thought I could make him into the husband I needed. Over and over that last year we were together, I dreamed I was trying to carve marble with my fingers. I longed for tools to chip, to carve, to sand. But all I had were my hands, and they weren’t enough. I could give my entire life over to it and still wouldn’t have made even the slightest dent in the rock. The dreams stopped the night I left.”
She opened her eyes back up and held Ryan’s gaze as she admitted, “I’m still learning to listen to that little voice.”
“What is it telling you?”
She went up on her tippy-toes to press a kiss to his mouth before whispering against his lips, “To give you that promise.”
And to love him with her entire heart…and soul.
* * *
Ryan had barely closed the front door behind him when her phone rang. The past few days she’d gotten used to ignoring the calls from reporters and bloggers, but when she recognized the Italian country code, she knew she had to pick up.
Of course Anthony wouldn’t be happy with merely giving the horrible interview. He’d want to make sure she saw it so that he could rub it in her face.
Damn it, she wasn’t going to let him run her in circles. “Your tricks don’t work on me anymore, Anthony, so you might as well quit trying.”
Anthony stares into the distance for a long time before finally shaking his head. “I’d like to believe that’s not the case.”
“Oh my God, I can’t believe he all but said that I used our marriage to try and advance my career!” The phone fell from her hands, but Ryan just let it fall and pulled her closer.
“I’m sorry, Vicki.” He kissed the top of her head and his hands stroked down her back. She realized she was shaking against him as he said, “I’m sorry you were ever married to him. I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you all these years. My lawyer is going to make that reporter wish she was—”
“It’s not the reporter’s fault.” Funny, her voice sounded so steady when her insides felt like they’d shattered into tiny little shards swimming around inside her chest, a thousand little cuts nicking her as she rewound and replayed Anthony’s words in her head. “She didn’t put the words into his mouth. He’s the one who thought I was using him, even though the truth is that marrying him was the worst thing I could have done for my career.”
Anthony had always made sure to shove her into a shadowed background whenever she made the mistake of trying to catch even the smallest piece of the limelight that he’d already claimed for himself.
“He’s an idiot. We all know it.”
“You know it. I know it. But he just gave voice to what people have always, and will always, think. They think I used him.” She made herself meet Ryan’s concerned—and angry—gaze. “They’ll think I’m using you, too.”
“You can’t let him win. Not when he’s nothing but a bitter, self-absorbed prick.”
She didn’t want to let Anthony have any more of her soul than she’d already lost to him during their marriage. The only problem was, she couldn’t completely discount the fact that her ex might be just a little right, too.
“What about the fact that I didn’t tell you I was here until I needed you to step in with James to keep the fellowship from slipping away? Or what about the fact that I wanted to be with you for so long, but was so afraid to actually tell you how I felt—that I created this lie and pulled you and your family into my messed-up life? What if some part of what Anthony is saying about me, about the way he thinks I use people, is actually true?”
“Stop it.”
Ryan put his hands on her shoulders, but even though he was holding her firmly in front of him, his fingers on her skin were gentle. Loving.
“You reached out for me because I’m your friend and you were in an ugly situation. I came because I love you and would do absolutely anything for you. If you think I give a rat’s ass what anyone else thinks about you and me and our relationship, then you’re going to make me question everything you just told me in bed this morning.”
His eyes held hers, dark, intense, and full of unconditional love.
“Don’t do that, Vicki. Don’t even think about taking it back, not after I’ve waited so goddamned long to know that you feel the same way I do.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I would never take it back.”
Finally, he smiled at her as he brushed his thumbs across her cheeks. “I would never let you.” His phone rang again and he cursed when he looked down at the screen. “I’ve got to get on the team plane.” He cupped her face in his hands. “Promise me you won’t let any of the stupid things some ass**le said in an interview get in the way of finishing your brilliant sculpture. Especially not when you know he probably made sure that interview ran to coincide with his joining the fellowship board this week. You gave him ten years. He doesn’t deserve even one more second.”
Vicki had been on the move her whole life. She could feel that desperation to leave—to bury the past, to start over again in a place where her past didn’t matter and no one knew her—starting to take her over. If she left, she could still hold these memories of being so close to Ryan this past week inside herself forever. And no matter how far she went, she knew she would never forget what it felt like to be in his arms, to feel safe and cherished.
But…leaving Ryan once when she was just a teenager had nearly destroyed her.
How could she even think about running from him now?
Especially when his open arms were the only place she ever wanted to run to again—and he was oh so right about Anthony not deserving even one more second of her energy.
A heartbeat later, his hands were in her hair and her mouth was under his as he kissed her so thoroughly, so passionately, that everything fell away but Ryan...and how much she loved him.
When he finally let her go, she didn’t open her eyes right away, just let herself feel the hard, fast beat of his heart beneath her outstretched palms as she worked to catch her breath.
“All those years that he and I were together, I ignored that little voice that told me something wasn’t quite right with our marriage. It was so much easier to listen to his voice and to everyone around me who said I’d be crazy not to want him. And he was so smooth, always had the perfect excuse for everything. I thought I could make him into the husband I needed. Over and over that last year we were together, I dreamed I was trying to carve marble with my fingers. I longed for tools to chip, to carve, to sand. But all I had were my hands, and they weren’t enough. I could give my entire life over to it and still wouldn’t have made even the slightest dent in the rock. The dreams stopped the night I left.”
She opened her eyes back up and held Ryan’s gaze as she admitted, “I’m still learning to listen to that little voice.”
“What is it telling you?”
She went up on her tippy-toes to press a kiss to his mouth before whispering against his lips, “To give you that promise.”
And to love him with her entire heart…and soul.
* * *
Ryan had barely closed the front door behind him when her phone rang. The past few days she’d gotten used to ignoring the calls from reporters and bloggers, but when she recognized the Italian country code, she knew she had to pick up.
Of course Anthony wouldn’t be happy with merely giving the horrible interview. He’d want to make sure she saw it so that he could rub it in her face.
Damn it, she wasn’t going to let him run her in circles. “Your tricks don’t work on me anymore, Anthony, so you might as well quit trying.”
