Letting Go
Page 14
“I had a feeling you would show up here,” she said on a teasing sigh, her voice reaching me from where she was lying down at the end of the dock.
I leaned over her and smiled when I found her smiling up at me. “How long have you been here?”
“About thirty minutes or so. How’d you know?”
I looked away and stood up, keeping my gaze on the dark water. “You didn’t answer your phone.”
“Ah.” She laughed softly, letting the sound hang in the air for a minute before saying, “My ‘Jagger 911’: not answering my phone.”
My lips pulled up in a smile as I moved to lie down next to her. “I never knew why you thought I had ESP or something, it always would’ve been so much easier to know you needed me if you would’ve just called.”
“But I didn’t because you did have the ‘or something.’ You think I didn’t figure out after all those years how you just knew to show up? I knew Ben would call you.”
I took a deep breath in and out, and finally said, “Let’s go back to thinking I had ESP.”
Grey laughed and elbowed me, and as we had done so many times before, we fell into a comfortable silence just staring up at the sky. This dock had thousands of memories, and it never failed, every time I came here I was hit with them all. Every one of them included Grey, and most of them included Ben. We’d spent all our summers out here, and had bonfires near the dock when it became too cold in the winter.
I’d taught Grey how to throw a punch on this dock, and had ended up with a black eye that she’d apologized for at least a thousand times. This had been the spot where I’d caught Ben kissing her for the first time, and realized that he had snatched her up from under me. It had been the spot where Grey lost her bikini top diving off the dock during a party, which led to a night of skinny-dipping that ended up with more than a dozen of us getting busted. Ben would call me after they’d gotten into a fight, and I’d always find her here. We would spend hours here with her crying and ranting about whatever they’d fought about until I had her laughing and driving back to make up with Ben. The entire summer after Ben died, I found her here every night and would stay with her until she fell asleep from exhaustion before putting her in my car and taking her back to her parents’.
Good or bad, I would always think of this as our dock.
“Why are we here tonight?” I finally asked, and listened to her soft exhale.
“I just wanted it. I wanted the memories.”
“There are memories all over this town, Grey . . .” I trailed off, the question still there.
She was quiet for a while before she whispered, “Maybe because I knew you would come. I knew you would face the memories of this place with me, and even though some are hard, they are some of my favorites of the three of us.”
I turned my head toward her, waiting for her to look back at me, and noticed the wetness gathering in her eyes even through her smile.
“Some of my favorites,” she repeated before looking back up toward the sky.
I continued watching her profile for a few seconds before staring up at the star-filled sky. “Tell me.”
For hours we talked about our favorite times on the dock. A few times I saw her wipe at her cheeks, but even more often her laugh filled the night air. I kept looking for signs that Charlie had said something to her, but when the conversation turned to her visit with Charlie earlier today, there was nothing but the brightest smile from Grey. She adored my little sister, always had. Whatever was going on with Charlie, I would have to figure it out another time, because I didn’t want to worry Grey with it. Not when she was laughing a laugh I hadn’t heard in years. Not when I was smiling more than I had since Ben’s death. Not when I was fighting the urge to pull Grey into my arms so I could ask her the one question I’d been wanting to ask since we were thirteen years old. A question I’d written down in a note I had been planning on giving her before I found her in Ben’s arms that summer day.
I don’t know why I’d never thrown the note away.
I don’t know if I’d been waiting for the day Grey would leave Ben, and I could give it to her then, but I’d kept it for nine years. A note with four words on it. A note tucked into the case where I kept all my charcoals. A note I knew the girl lying next to me would never see, and a question I knew she would never read or hear—and still, a note I knew I would never be able to get rid of.
Grey
May 23, 2014
AFTER KNOCKING ON Jag’s door and not getting an answer, I fumbled with my keys as I steadied the hand holding the breakfast sandwiches and stacked drinks. Shoving the key into the lock, I turned it and pushed open the door before putting the end of one of my key chains in my mouth so I could use both hands to carry everything.
Loud music met me, and I smiled around the key chain. Jagger was drawing. Letting my keys drop onto the kitchen counter, I set down everything and walked through the front room, to the hallway leading to the back rooms. I hadn’t been into the room Jagger was using as a studio since we’d moved last week, and even then, I hadn’t seen him put any of his stuff in here. I was excited to see a space where he displayed everything he worked on.
As I rounded the corner in the hall, my smile widened when I saw him standing there shirtless, working on a large piece. Just seeing him gave me an overwhelming feeling like I was home, and it didn’t make sense. I’d seen him the night before, and if any place felt like home, it should’ve been my parents’ house . . . but that knowledge didn’t make the feeling lessen. Instead, I seemed to welcome it more and more with each step closer to the man in front of me.
I leaned over her and smiled when I found her smiling up at me. “How long have you been here?”
“About thirty minutes or so. How’d you know?”
I looked away and stood up, keeping my gaze on the dark water. “You didn’t answer your phone.”
“Ah.” She laughed softly, letting the sound hang in the air for a minute before saying, “My ‘Jagger 911’: not answering my phone.”
My lips pulled up in a smile as I moved to lie down next to her. “I never knew why you thought I had ESP or something, it always would’ve been so much easier to know you needed me if you would’ve just called.”
“But I didn’t because you did have the ‘or something.’ You think I didn’t figure out after all those years how you just knew to show up? I knew Ben would call you.”
I took a deep breath in and out, and finally said, “Let’s go back to thinking I had ESP.”
Grey laughed and elbowed me, and as we had done so many times before, we fell into a comfortable silence just staring up at the sky. This dock had thousands of memories, and it never failed, every time I came here I was hit with them all. Every one of them included Grey, and most of them included Ben. We’d spent all our summers out here, and had bonfires near the dock when it became too cold in the winter.
I’d taught Grey how to throw a punch on this dock, and had ended up with a black eye that she’d apologized for at least a thousand times. This had been the spot where I’d caught Ben kissing her for the first time, and realized that he had snatched her up from under me. It had been the spot where Grey lost her bikini top diving off the dock during a party, which led to a night of skinny-dipping that ended up with more than a dozen of us getting busted. Ben would call me after they’d gotten into a fight, and I’d always find her here. We would spend hours here with her crying and ranting about whatever they’d fought about until I had her laughing and driving back to make up with Ben. The entire summer after Ben died, I found her here every night and would stay with her until she fell asleep from exhaustion before putting her in my car and taking her back to her parents’.
Good or bad, I would always think of this as our dock.
“Why are we here tonight?” I finally asked, and listened to her soft exhale.
“I just wanted it. I wanted the memories.”
“There are memories all over this town, Grey . . .” I trailed off, the question still there.
She was quiet for a while before she whispered, “Maybe because I knew you would come. I knew you would face the memories of this place with me, and even though some are hard, they are some of my favorites of the three of us.”
I turned my head toward her, waiting for her to look back at me, and noticed the wetness gathering in her eyes even through her smile.
“Some of my favorites,” she repeated before looking back up toward the sky.
I continued watching her profile for a few seconds before staring up at the star-filled sky. “Tell me.”
For hours we talked about our favorite times on the dock. A few times I saw her wipe at her cheeks, but even more often her laugh filled the night air. I kept looking for signs that Charlie had said something to her, but when the conversation turned to her visit with Charlie earlier today, there was nothing but the brightest smile from Grey. She adored my little sister, always had. Whatever was going on with Charlie, I would have to figure it out another time, because I didn’t want to worry Grey with it. Not when she was laughing a laugh I hadn’t heard in years. Not when I was smiling more than I had since Ben’s death. Not when I was fighting the urge to pull Grey into my arms so I could ask her the one question I’d been wanting to ask since we were thirteen years old. A question I’d written down in a note I had been planning on giving her before I found her in Ben’s arms that summer day.
I don’t know why I’d never thrown the note away.
I don’t know if I’d been waiting for the day Grey would leave Ben, and I could give it to her then, but I’d kept it for nine years. A note with four words on it. A note tucked into the case where I kept all my charcoals. A note I knew the girl lying next to me would never see, and a question I knew she would never read or hear—and still, a note I knew I would never be able to get rid of.
Grey
May 23, 2014
AFTER KNOCKING ON Jag’s door and not getting an answer, I fumbled with my keys as I steadied the hand holding the breakfast sandwiches and stacked drinks. Shoving the key into the lock, I turned it and pushed open the door before putting the end of one of my key chains in my mouth so I could use both hands to carry everything.
Loud music met me, and I smiled around the key chain. Jagger was drawing. Letting my keys drop onto the kitchen counter, I set down everything and walked through the front room, to the hallway leading to the back rooms. I hadn’t been into the room Jagger was using as a studio since we’d moved last week, and even then, I hadn’t seen him put any of his stuff in here. I was excited to see a space where he displayed everything he worked on.
As I rounded the corner in the hall, my smile widened when I saw him standing there shirtless, working on a large piece. Just seeing him gave me an overwhelming feeling like I was home, and it didn’t make sense. I’d seen him the night before, and if any place felt like home, it should’ve been my parents’ house . . . but that knowledge didn’t make the feeling lessen. Instead, I seemed to welcome it more and more with each step closer to the man in front of me.
