Letting Go
Page 19
Her words had been choked as she fought back tears, and my chest ached when I realized that the rest of his life ended up only being another year or so.
“I had already seen how Jagger looked at you, and when Ben said that, I knew he saw it too. I don’t know if they ever talked about it, but he knew.”
Long minutes passed where the only sound was our hitched breathing as Janie pulled me into her arms and held me while we cried. When we pulled away from each other, she wiped at her eyes and shrugged.
“The way he looks at you, it’s so obvious. I’ve always thought you must have known. I just thought you ignored it because the two of you were such good friends, you had Ben, and because Jagger never did anything about it. This past year, though, when you started pulling away from us and clinging to him, we all thought for sure you knew at that point. I’ve just been waiting for the day you call me to tell me you two were together.”
“How can . . .” I shook my head and tried to swallow past the tightness in my throat. “I just don’t understand how everyone seems to be so okay with this. It’s like nobody cares that Ben is gone. Everyone is just expecting me to be with Jagger now that Ben died.”
“Grey, no! That’s not it. We just want you to be happy, and Jagger makes you happy. But no one is expecting anything. Ben was a huge part of your life; we all know that. But that doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else.”
“That sounds a lot like what my family was saying,” I mumbled, and she bit down on her bottom lip.
“Well, Graham and I talked about it a lot over the last year.”
My eyebrows rose, but I don’t know why I was even surprised anymore. “But you’re all okay with it so soon.”
“I think it would be different for everyone. Every situation is different. Some people, months are what they need, others, they need years. For you? It would be one thing if it had only been months. I probably would have thought you were just trying to make the pain go away. It might have even been weird around the year mark. But it’s been over two years now, and that’s different. And this is Jagger, he knows you, and knew Ben, better than anyone. He knows how you feel, he knows that you’re hurting, and he’s hurting too.”
My fingers easily found the ring hanging from the long chain, and I played with it absentmindedly. I couldn’t believe everyone had known, when I’d never had a clue that Jagger felt more for me than a friendly bond. I still didn’t know how I felt about everyone telling me they thought I was ready to move on with someone else, or how to feel about Jagger’s confession. But as I gripped that ring, a familiar twist of guilt hit me—thinking about Jagger . . . hell, thinking about anyone in that way felt like I was cheating on Ben.
If he hadn’t died, we would be married, and I would never have entertained the thought of someone else, just like I knew he wouldn’t. The words “till death do us part” had been floating around my mind for the past week, but as they came up again, I was quick to push them back. That felt like a cop-out right now.
“You all think if I were to move on, Jagger would be the guy I’d moved on to . . . but what if I don’t want Jagger?”
Janie looked at me closely, and the same sad smile my mom had given me was now playing on her lips. “Now that I don’t believe.”
Jagger
June 27, 2014
“OH MY GOD, Jagger?”
My hand froze on the energy drink and my entire body tightened. Shit.
“Is that you?”
I swallowed thickly, and slowly pulled the can out of the refrigerated section before turning around to face her. She’d been calling me three times a week since graduation, and I hadn’t once answered. In a town the size of Thatch, I knew it would be impossible to avoid her forever, but I’d hoped.
“Ah!” she squealed, and launched herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. I stumbled back against the glass door and automatically put my arms around her.
“Hey, LeAnn,” I murmured as I disentangled myself from her.
“How are you? God, you look great, Jagger!”
I took a step to the side, trying to put more distance between us; she followed me. “Uh, thanks. So do you. How’ve you been?”
“Oh, I’m doin’ just fine. I’ve been working at the salon in town for about a year now.”
“Yeah, Charlie said she’s been going to you.”
She laughed and grabbed at my forearm. “Right. God, I love that girl. Hey, have you been getting my messages? I’ve been calling you for a while now, hoping to get in touch with you ever since Charlie said you were about to move back from Pullman.” Her hand slowly glided up my arm, her nails lightly leading the trail. It was a touch that was so familiar, and one I didn’t want to feel.
“Yeah, sorry about that. I’ve just been busy getting settled in and everything.” I moved my arm to cover my mouth as I cleared my throat and took another step back. The second my arm was down, she was touching me again.
“Charlie was telling me all about how you turned the warehouse into a place to live in, and it sounded amazing—”
“It—”
“—and it turned out great, Jagger.”
I went still and my face pinched together. “I’m sorry, what?”
LeAnn shook her head in confusion, like she didn’t understand why I was pissed off suddenly. “The warehouse, it looks great.”
“I had already seen how Jagger looked at you, and when Ben said that, I knew he saw it too. I don’t know if they ever talked about it, but he knew.”
Long minutes passed where the only sound was our hitched breathing as Janie pulled me into her arms and held me while we cried. When we pulled away from each other, she wiped at her eyes and shrugged.
“The way he looks at you, it’s so obvious. I’ve always thought you must have known. I just thought you ignored it because the two of you were such good friends, you had Ben, and because Jagger never did anything about it. This past year, though, when you started pulling away from us and clinging to him, we all thought for sure you knew at that point. I’ve just been waiting for the day you call me to tell me you two were together.”
“How can . . .” I shook my head and tried to swallow past the tightness in my throat. “I just don’t understand how everyone seems to be so okay with this. It’s like nobody cares that Ben is gone. Everyone is just expecting me to be with Jagger now that Ben died.”
“Grey, no! That’s not it. We just want you to be happy, and Jagger makes you happy. But no one is expecting anything. Ben was a huge part of your life; we all know that. But that doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else.”
“That sounds a lot like what my family was saying,” I mumbled, and she bit down on her bottom lip.
“Well, Graham and I talked about it a lot over the last year.”
My eyebrows rose, but I don’t know why I was even surprised anymore. “But you’re all okay with it so soon.”
“I think it would be different for everyone. Every situation is different. Some people, months are what they need, others, they need years. For you? It would be one thing if it had only been months. I probably would have thought you were just trying to make the pain go away. It might have even been weird around the year mark. But it’s been over two years now, and that’s different. And this is Jagger, he knows you, and knew Ben, better than anyone. He knows how you feel, he knows that you’re hurting, and he’s hurting too.”
My fingers easily found the ring hanging from the long chain, and I played with it absentmindedly. I couldn’t believe everyone had known, when I’d never had a clue that Jagger felt more for me than a friendly bond. I still didn’t know how I felt about everyone telling me they thought I was ready to move on with someone else, or how to feel about Jagger’s confession. But as I gripped that ring, a familiar twist of guilt hit me—thinking about Jagger . . . hell, thinking about anyone in that way felt like I was cheating on Ben.
If he hadn’t died, we would be married, and I would never have entertained the thought of someone else, just like I knew he wouldn’t. The words “till death do us part” had been floating around my mind for the past week, but as they came up again, I was quick to push them back. That felt like a cop-out right now.
“You all think if I were to move on, Jagger would be the guy I’d moved on to . . . but what if I don’t want Jagger?”
Janie looked at me closely, and the same sad smile my mom had given me was now playing on her lips. “Now that I don’t believe.”
Jagger
June 27, 2014
“OH MY GOD, Jagger?”
My hand froze on the energy drink and my entire body tightened. Shit.
“Is that you?”
I swallowed thickly, and slowly pulled the can out of the refrigerated section before turning around to face her. She’d been calling me three times a week since graduation, and I hadn’t once answered. In a town the size of Thatch, I knew it would be impossible to avoid her forever, but I’d hoped.
“Ah!” she squealed, and launched herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. I stumbled back against the glass door and automatically put my arms around her.
“Hey, LeAnn,” I murmured as I disentangled myself from her.
“How are you? God, you look great, Jagger!”
I took a step to the side, trying to put more distance between us; she followed me. “Uh, thanks. So do you. How’ve you been?”
“Oh, I’m doin’ just fine. I’ve been working at the salon in town for about a year now.”
“Yeah, Charlie said she’s been going to you.”
She laughed and grabbed at my forearm. “Right. God, I love that girl. Hey, have you been getting my messages? I’ve been calling you for a while now, hoping to get in touch with you ever since Charlie said you were about to move back from Pullman.” Her hand slowly glided up my arm, her nails lightly leading the trail. It was a touch that was so familiar, and one I didn’t want to feel.
“Yeah, sorry about that. I’ve just been busy getting settled in and everything.” I moved my arm to cover my mouth as I cleared my throat and took another step back. The second my arm was down, she was touching me again.
“Charlie was telling me all about how you turned the warehouse into a place to live in, and it sounded amazing—”
“It—”
“—and it turned out great, Jagger.”
I went still and my face pinched together. “I’m sorry, what?”
LeAnn shook her head in confusion, like she didn’t understand why I was pissed off suddenly. “The warehouse, it looks great.”
