Letting Go
Page 43
A startled laugh escaped my lips, because I had looked so many times in the days leading up to the wedding.
“I didn’t know if you’d want to see them . . . after . . . but I knew you would hate me if I got rid of them. So I’ve just been holding on to them until you were ready. I knew one day you would ask about them. But they—I mean, they were hidden in my loft so you wouldn’t stumble upon them, Grey. I don’t understand. No one else goes in there . . .”
My eyes widened. “I’m not doing this!” I said quickly. “I’m not doing this to myself, I swear to God, Jag, I’m not!”
“No, baby, no. That’s not what I was saying, I know you wouldn’t. Someone cruel is doing this, and I promise you I’m going to find out who. Okay?”
I nodded and he pressed a firm kiss to my lips.
“I need to get you out of here. Where do you want to go? Do you still want to come to my place, or do you want to go to your parents’ house?”
My mouth opened to say my parents’, but I quickly shut it. Part of me screamed that I’d just seen the vows Ben had been preparing for our wedding, and now I was betraying him by being with his best friend. But I realized that is what the person who stole the copy of the vows was trying to do; they were trying to separate me from Jagger. They were trying to make me take ten steps back in my healing from Ben’s death.
“Yours,” I whispered.
“All right. Let’s get you into the passenger seat, I’ll drive you over there.”
“What about your—”
“We can pick up my car later, it’s fine where it is. Just let me drive you.”
I don’t remember the drive to the warehouse, or going inside. Actually, I don’t remember much of that day at all except the fear of getting another message and cringing every time my phone went off. And most of all, wondering what Ben would say about us if he were here.
Chapter 10
Jagger
August 6, 2014
“I DON’T KNOW what you’re seeing, but that is not a dinosaur.” Glancing down at Grey when she giggled, I squinted at her, then looked closely into her gold eyes. “Are you stoned?”
“Shut up, Jag.” She pushed against my chest and kept one hand there to lightly trail her nails against my skin. “That is totally a T. rex! You’re just looking at it upside down.”
I looked back up at the clouds in the sky, and shook my head. “That’s not an upside-down T. rex either.”
Her free hand splashed water up at me, and I laughed. “Babe, seriously, if anything, that’s a tree.”
“You have no imagination.”
Leaning over her body, I brushed my lips just below her br**sts and spoke against her skin. “I beg to differ.”
Grey’s hands went up to play in my hair as I placed soft kisses all over her stomach. “I see a T. rex, a bunny, a mug, and a heart. You think they all look like cotton candy or trees.”
“That just means I’m the sober one here.”
She tugged gently on my hair, but only sighed as she relaxed her head against the handles of the Jet Ski.
We’d gone out on a boat with a few friends from high school this morning to wakeboard, and I’d been prepared for it to be a disaster. In spite of her uncaring reaction when she saw Grey and me together, it didn’t stop me from waiting for LeAnn to say some bullshit to Grey. Even when LeAnn’s guy—a different one from the restaurant—went out on the water, LeAnn was talking with all the girls like they were just catching up.
After wakeboarding for a few hours, Grey and I had left them and rented a Jet Ski to spend some time alone before Grey had to get to work. We hadn’t even been on the water for thirty minutes when I’d had to cut off the engine because the way Grey’s hands were curling against my stomach had made it too hard to concentrate on anything else. She’d wiggled her way around me until she was sitting on my lap so she could lie back against the Jet Ski, and I’d been struggling to keep my hands and mouth only on places they’d already been. Her being in a bikini wasn’t helping my self-control . . . or lack thereof.
Given the way Grey had reacted a week and a half ago when Charlie showed up at my place, I’d been afraid she would regret what we’d been doing. But by the next day, she was back to normal. Staying pressed up against my side, giving me teasing kisses that would quickly build . . . it was how it had been, and I was glad we hadn’t gone back a few steps. But since the day she’d received the copy of Ben’s vows and the message from his Facebook account, I’d slowly watched her drift back into being the Grey I’d come to know so well over the last two years.
There were moments, like right then on the lake, but the rest of the time I’d find her staring off at nothing or she’d just slowly shut down and curl into a ball while gripping the ring around her neck. It was almost as if she’d remember the present and what I meant to her now, but then go back to cling to the past. Never moving on from the point we’d been at a week and a half ago, and going back a few steps for the majority of our days.
I didn’t need more from her physically. If she needed to go back and slowly build up to where we’d been, I would do that for her in a heartbeat. But with the amount of time each day she spent in the past, I knew we wouldn’t be starting over . . . I knew I was slowly losing the girl I’d had for what felt like only a few seconds.
I was slowly losing Grey completely.
“I didn’t know if you’d want to see them . . . after . . . but I knew you would hate me if I got rid of them. So I’ve just been holding on to them until you were ready. I knew one day you would ask about them. But they—I mean, they were hidden in my loft so you wouldn’t stumble upon them, Grey. I don’t understand. No one else goes in there . . .”
My eyes widened. “I’m not doing this!” I said quickly. “I’m not doing this to myself, I swear to God, Jag, I’m not!”
“No, baby, no. That’s not what I was saying, I know you wouldn’t. Someone cruel is doing this, and I promise you I’m going to find out who. Okay?”
I nodded and he pressed a firm kiss to my lips.
“I need to get you out of here. Where do you want to go? Do you still want to come to my place, or do you want to go to your parents’ house?”
My mouth opened to say my parents’, but I quickly shut it. Part of me screamed that I’d just seen the vows Ben had been preparing for our wedding, and now I was betraying him by being with his best friend. But I realized that is what the person who stole the copy of the vows was trying to do; they were trying to separate me from Jagger. They were trying to make me take ten steps back in my healing from Ben’s death.
“Yours,” I whispered.
“All right. Let’s get you into the passenger seat, I’ll drive you over there.”
“What about your—”
“We can pick up my car later, it’s fine where it is. Just let me drive you.”
I don’t remember the drive to the warehouse, or going inside. Actually, I don’t remember much of that day at all except the fear of getting another message and cringing every time my phone went off. And most of all, wondering what Ben would say about us if he were here.
Chapter 10
Jagger
August 6, 2014
“I DON’T KNOW what you’re seeing, but that is not a dinosaur.” Glancing down at Grey when she giggled, I squinted at her, then looked closely into her gold eyes. “Are you stoned?”
“Shut up, Jag.” She pushed against my chest and kept one hand there to lightly trail her nails against my skin. “That is totally a T. rex! You’re just looking at it upside down.”
I looked back up at the clouds in the sky, and shook my head. “That’s not an upside-down T. rex either.”
Her free hand splashed water up at me, and I laughed. “Babe, seriously, if anything, that’s a tree.”
“You have no imagination.”
Leaning over her body, I brushed my lips just below her br**sts and spoke against her skin. “I beg to differ.”
Grey’s hands went up to play in my hair as I placed soft kisses all over her stomach. “I see a T. rex, a bunny, a mug, and a heart. You think they all look like cotton candy or trees.”
“That just means I’m the sober one here.”
She tugged gently on my hair, but only sighed as she relaxed her head against the handles of the Jet Ski.
We’d gone out on a boat with a few friends from high school this morning to wakeboard, and I’d been prepared for it to be a disaster. In spite of her uncaring reaction when she saw Grey and me together, it didn’t stop me from waiting for LeAnn to say some bullshit to Grey. Even when LeAnn’s guy—a different one from the restaurant—went out on the water, LeAnn was talking with all the girls like they were just catching up.
After wakeboarding for a few hours, Grey and I had left them and rented a Jet Ski to spend some time alone before Grey had to get to work. We hadn’t even been on the water for thirty minutes when I’d had to cut off the engine because the way Grey’s hands were curling against my stomach had made it too hard to concentrate on anything else. She’d wiggled her way around me until she was sitting on my lap so she could lie back against the Jet Ski, and I’d been struggling to keep my hands and mouth only on places they’d already been. Her being in a bikini wasn’t helping my self-control . . . or lack thereof.
Given the way Grey had reacted a week and a half ago when Charlie showed up at my place, I’d been afraid she would regret what we’d been doing. But by the next day, she was back to normal. Staying pressed up against my side, giving me teasing kisses that would quickly build . . . it was how it had been, and I was glad we hadn’t gone back a few steps. But since the day she’d received the copy of Ben’s vows and the message from his Facebook account, I’d slowly watched her drift back into being the Grey I’d come to know so well over the last two years.
There were moments, like right then on the lake, but the rest of the time I’d find her staring off at nothing or she’d just slowly shut down and curl into a ball while gripping the ring around her neck. It was almost as if she’d remember the present and what I meant to her now, but then go back to cling to the past. Never moving on from the point we’d been at a week and a half ago, and going back a few steps for the majority of our days.
I didn’t need more from her physically. If she needed to go back and slowly build up to where we’d been, I would do that for her in a heartbeat. But with the amount of time each day she spent in the past, I knew we wouldn’t be starting over . . . I knew I was slowly losing the girl I’d had for what felt like only a few seconds.
I was slowly losing Grey completely.
