Letting Go
Page 47
“You can’t protect me from everything, Jagger!”
He dropped my other hand and sat back, shock and pain covering his face.
“There are things in this world that you can’t control or keep me from!”
“You think I don’t know that?” he yelled back. “I’ve watched you disappear because of something I couldn’t protect you from! Why wouldn’t I try to protect you from the small bullshit when you have gone through so much more?” Getting off the bed, he took large steps toward the stairs, then turned around to look at me. His arms were hanging by his sides, palms up, his expression lost. “That’s what I want to do, Grey, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, to be there for you when shit gets bad, to take as much of it as I can away from you so you won’t have to deal with it. I have spent my life doing that because I love you, and I will spend the rest of it doing the exact same f**king thing. If you need to know something, I’ll tell you. You of all people should know that by now!”
I opened my mouth to say something—start apologizing, anything to erase that look from his face—but he kept talking.
“I’m sorry you’re mad, I’m sorry you feel like I kept something important from you. But you have no idea what I’m seeing when I look at you. You have no idea what I’ve watched happen to you since the vows ended up on your car!”
That startled me enough to make my mouth snap shut for a few moments. “I don’t—what are you seeing? I’m fine, I’ve been fine except for when it’s happened.”
Jagger laughed harshly, but he sounded defeated. “Grey . . . are you serious?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
“I’m f**king losing you,” he whispered, the soft, anguished tone hitting me hard enough to make me lose my breath. “I’ll do whatever it takes to help you through your grieving for Ben and what’s happening now. But you are slowly pushing me away more and more each day.”
“I’ve never pushed you away.”
He smiled weakly and nodded his head. “No, you never did . . . until now. I’ve seen you five times in the last eleven days, including the day you found the vows and today. Today is the longest I’ve spent with you. There have been days when I come over and you won’t leave your room or look at me; there have been times when you told me you were coming over after work and you didn’t show and never called. I had to call your mom to make sure you were even safe.”
I stared at him blankly, my head shaking quickly. “No, I—I don’t think . . .” I trailed off, trying to remember other times we’d seen each other.
“This is a hard time for you, I know that. But it’s been killing me to watch you shut down and keep me out.”
When I couldn’t respond, he turned and slowly went down the stairs, and I just sat there listening to the echoes of his steps as he walked across the open space below. I didn’t move for long minutes as I thought about everything he’d said and tried to remember those days he’d been talking about. I couldn’t, but I knew he was right. Because what I did remember from the last week and a half was all the time I’d spent thinking about Ben.
After crawling across the bed and standing up, I walked across the loft and down the stairs. Before I could get to the hall leading to the back rooms, I saw my phone on one of the couches and walked over to pick it up. After tapping out a quick message to my mom about not coming home tonight, I turned the phone on silent and dropped it back onto the couch.
Jagger was leaning against a wall in the main hallway when I turned the corner, his forearms were pressed to the wall as his head hung down to his chest. His head snapped up when he heard me walking toward him, and he slowly straightened to face me. His face and eyes were guarded.
Without saying a word, I reached out to grab one of his hands and turned to walk back the way I’d come. I didn’t let go of his hand until we were next to the bed and didn’t say anything until we were both lying on it, facing each other.
“I don’t want to shut you out,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I’ve been hurting you, but you have to know I would never purposely hurt you. It would kill me to lose you, Jagger, and I swear to you that you aren’t losing me,” I choked out, my voice breaking.
Jagger ground his jaw and wrapped one arm around my waist to pull me closer. “Okay, Grey,” he murmured as he pressed his lips to my forehead.
“I’ve always loved how protective you are, and I’m not just saying that because of what you or I said earlier. I love it; it’s comforting. I know you’d do anything to keep me safe, and I’m so thankful for that. I’m sorry that I used that against you, and I’m so so sorry that you’ve thought for one minute that I was taking myself away from you.” I curled my hands against his chest, and tried to fight back the tears stinging my eyes. “Everything has been harder since I first got the messages from Ben’s account. So many things have gone through my mind, and it makes everything so confusing. But that doesn’t mean I’m confused about you, or us. I love you and I want to be with you, and I need you to know that and not have any doubts. Because when you look at me, I know exactly how much you love me, and—”
Jagger pressed his mouth firmly to mine, cutting off my emotional rant, and I threw everything I had into that kiss. I needed him to know how much he meant to me, to see it when he looked at me and feel it in every kiss and touch we shared. I had spent so long blinding myself to him and keeping myself from feeling anything for anyone. After having this—having Jagger—I couldn’t ever lose him or go back to who I had been.
He dropped my other hand and sat back, shock and pain covering his face.
“There are things in this world that you can’t control or keep me from!”
“You think I don’t know that?” he yelled back. “I’ve watched you disappear because of something I couldn’t protect you from! Why wouldn’t I try to protect you from the small bullshit when you have gone through so much more?” Getting off the bed, he took large steps toward the stairs, then turned around to look at me. His arms were hanging by his sides, palms up, his expression lost. “That’s what I want to do, Grey, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, to be there for you when shit gets bad, to take as much of it as I can away from you so you won’t have to deal with it. I have spent my life doing that because I love you, and I will spend the rest of it doing the exact same f**king thing. If you need to know something, I’ll tell you. You of all people should know that by now!”
I opened my mouth to say something—start apologizing, anything to erase that look from his face—but he kept talking.
“I’m sorry you’re mad, I’m sorry you feel like I kept something important from you. But you have no idea what I’m seeing when I look at you. You have no idea what I’ve watched happen to you since the vows ended up on your car!”
That startled me enough to make my mouth snap shut for a few moments. “I don’t—what are you seeing? I’m fine, I’ve been fine except for when it’s happened.”
Jagger laughed harshly, but he sounded defeated. “Grey . . . are you serious?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
“I’m f**king losing you,” he whispered, the soft, anguished tone hitting me hard enough to make me lose my breath. “I’ll do whatever it takes to help you through your grieving for Ben and what’s happening now. But you are slowly pushing me away more and more each day.”
“I’ve never pushed you away.”
He smiled weakly and nodded his head. “No, you never did . . . until now. I’ve seen you five times in the last eleven days, including the day you found the vows and today. Today is the longest I’ve spent with you. There have been days when I come over and you won’t leave your room or look at me; there have been times when you told me you were coming over after work and you didn’t show and never called. I had to call your mom to make sure you were even safe.”
I stared at him blankly, my head shaking quickly. “No, I—I don’t think . . .” I trailed off, trying to remember other times we’d seen each other.
“This is a hard time for you, I know that. But it’s been killing me to watch you shut down and keep me out.”
When I couldn’t respond, he turned and slowly went down the stairs, and I just sat there listening to the echoes of his steps as he walked across the open space below. I didn’t move for long minutes as I thought about everything he’d said and tried to remember those days he’d been talking about. I couldn’t, but I knew he was right. Because what I did remember from the last week and a half was all the time I’d spent thinking about Ben.
After crawling across the bed and standing up, I walked across the loft and down the stairs. Before I could get to the hall leading to the back rooms, I saw my phone on one of the couches and walked over to pick it up. After tapping out a quick message to my mom about not coming home tonight, I turned the phone on silent and dropped it back onto the couch.
Jagger was leaning against a wall in the main hallway when I turned the corner, his forearms were pressed to the wall as his head hung down to his chest. His head snapped up when he heard me walking toward him, and he slowly straightened to face me. His face and eyes were guarded.
Without saying a word, I reached out to grab one of his hands and turned to walk back the way I’d come. I didn’t let go of his hand until we were next to the bed and didn’t say anything until we were both lying on it, facing each other.
“I don’t want to shut you out,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I’ve been hurting you, but you have to know I would never purposely hurt you. It would kill me to lose you, Jagger, and I swear to you that you aren’t losing me,” I choked out, my voice breaking.
Jagger ground his jaw and wrapped one arm around my waist to pull me closer. “Okay, Grey,” he murmured as he pressed his lips to my forehead.
“I’ve always loved how protective you are, and I’m not just saying that because of what you or I said earlier. I love it; it’s comforting. I know you’d do anything to keep me safe, and I’m so thankful for that. I’m sorry that I used that against you, and I’m so so sorry that you’ve thought for one minute that I was taking myself away from you.” I curled my hands against his chest, and tried to fight back the tears stinging my eyes. “Everything has been harder since I first got the messages from Ben’s account. So many things have gone through my mind, and it makes everything so confusing. But that doesn’t mean I’m confused about you, or us. I love you and I want to be with you, and I need you to know that and not have any doubts. Because when you look at me, I know exactly how much you love me, and—”
Jagger pressed his mouth firmly to mine, cutting off my emotional rant, and I threw everything I had into that kiss. I needed him to know how much he meant to me, to see it when he looked at me and feel it in every kiss and touch we shared. I had spent so long blinding myself to him and keeping myself from feeling anything for anyone. After having this—having Jagger—I couldn’t ever lose him or go back to who I had been.
