Letting Go
Page 50
“You got into my place the night you came back!”
“It was unlocked, and I opened it because you hadn’t answered and your car was there.”
I sighed heavily and handed her keys back as I began pacing.
“Jagger, I swear it’s not me.”
“Then tell me who it is, Charlie. No one else is upset about us being together. No one else has, or had, a key to my place. And I know Grey isn’t doing this shit to herself. This is like torture for her.” When I turned to look at her, tears were streaming down her face.
“I don’t know, but I wouldn’t do this to Grey, I love her.”
I gritted my teeth, trying to hold back what was rushing through my mind, but it came out anyway. “I love you, Charlie, but you’re the only person who makes sense right now. If you actually loved Grey, you would be happy for us, you would be happy for her. I don’t understand you,” I snapped, and she flinched back. “I don’t understand you, and as much as it is killing me, that is why I think it’s you! Because if you loved her, you wouldn’t be mad that she was trying to move on! That she was trying to be happy for the first time since Ben di—”
“I loved Ben too!” she yelled before covering her mouth, her eyes wide as she backed up to her wall. And I knew . . . I knew in the way she said it and in the horrified look on her face that her words went much deeper than the love she had for Grey. She’d loved Ben the way I loved Grey.
“What?” I finally asked, the word barely audible.
A sob tore from her throat, and she shakily slid down the wall until she was sitting on the floor. “I loved him too,” she repeated, the ache in her words forming an ache in my own chest. “I was selfish, I wanted Grey to be with you because I wanted Ben. But that’s not the only reason I wanted you together—I swear!” she said quickly, her eyes wide as she tried to convey the truth in her words. “You and Grey belonged together. Anyone could’ve seen that.”
When she didn’t say more, I walked over to her bed and sat down. Leaning over, I rested my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands. “Why didn’t—how did I not know?” I asked, looking back up at my sister.
“Because you’re my big brother. I couldn’t tell you! And he was with Grey, what was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say?”
A heavy silence filled her bedroom as we sat there, and I tried to process that my little sister had been in love with my best friend—and while I had been busy taking care of Grey after his death, Charlie had dealt with it on her own. “Charlie,” I groaned. “God, Charlie, I’m sorry. If you had told me, I would’ve—I would’ve been there for you.”
She shrugged and sent me a shaky smile before it was disturbed by another sob. “It was hard enough for you, and for her . . . I knew you had to be there for her. And you were in Pullman most of the time anyway.”
“I’m so sorry. I’ve always taken care of you, I still should’ve been there,” I whispered. After another few minutes, I shook my head and sat up straighter. “I don’t understand. You have to know how hard this has been on Grey. I’ve told you how much she’s struggled over the last two years, and now suddenly you’re so mad at her? Now you’re pissed off that we’re together? I don’t—I just don’t understand how you could change the way you felt about Grey and me so drastically, and so fast.”
Charlie laughed sadly and looked down at her hands, which she was nervously twisting. “The way you were talking about her when you were still in college, you told me the bad things. I knew she was still struggling. When I saw her at the graduation, she looked horrible. But when you both came back to Thatch? She looked happy, and you guys looked closer than I’d ever seen you, and I didn’t know when that had happened. I didn’t know when she’d started getting better. And I . . .”
“You what?” I asked when she didn’t continue.
For a while she didn’t respond. When she finally looked up at me, tears were streaming down her face. “I’ve never even had a boyfriend because of Ben. I always only wanted him. When he died—I felt . . . God, I felt like a part of me died, and I had to keep how I felt to myself. And now I’m going on with my life, just like you and Grey are . . . just like everyone is. But that first day I hung out with her after you both moved back, I could see the way Grey looked when we talked about you. I knew she was falling in love with you even if she hadn’t realized it yet, and I hated her for it. Because even though that’s what I’ve always wanted for you, and what I’ve always wanted for her, I hated that she could move on from loving him when I can’t.”
The rest of the air in my lungs left me in one hard rush. “Charlie,” I whispered. “I’m—I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.” I shook my head and looked at her helplessly. “I’m sorry that you went through all that grief alone, but don’t take your hurt out on Grey. After everything she went through, she doesn’t deserve it.”
Charlie let out a sad laugh and nodded, then we just sat there in silence for a while.
Charlie loved Ben and was upset that Grey could move on, but whoever was trying to drive Grey insane wanted to keep Grey and me apart . . . reminding her of what she was supposed to have with Ben. While my mind kept saying the only person who made sense was Charlie, I knew it couldn’t be her. It would’ve been too hard for Charlie to go through everything this person had been.
“It was unlocked, and I opened it because you hadn’t answered and your car was there.”
I sighed heavily and handed her keys back as I began pacing.
“Jagger, I swear it’s not me.”
“Then tell me who it is, Charlie. No one else is upset about us being together. No one else has, or had, a key to my place. And I know Grey isn’t doing this shit to herself. This is like torture for her.” When I turned to look at her, tears were streaming down her face.
“I don’t know, but I wouldn’t do this to Grey, I love her.”
I gritted my teeth, trying to hold back what was rushing through my mind, but it came out anyway. “I love you, Charlie, but you’re the only person who makes sense right now. If you actually loved Grey, you would be happy for us, you would be happy for her. I don’t understand you,” I snapped, and she flinched back. “I don’t understand you, and as much as it is killing me, that is why I think it’s you! Because if you loved her, you wouldn’t be mad that she was trying to move on! That she was trying to be happy for the first time since Ben di—”
“I loved Ben too!” she yelled before covering her mouth, her eyes wide as she backed up to her wall. And I knew . . . I knew in the way she said it and in the horrified look on her face that her words went much deeper than the love she had for Grey. She’d loved Ben the way I loved Grey.
“What?” I finally asked, the word barely audible.
A sob tore from her throat, and she shakily slid down the wall until she was sitting on the floor. “I loved him too,” she repeated, the ache in her words forming an ache in my own chest. “I was selfish, I wanted Grey to be with you because I wanted Ben. But that’s not the only reason I wanted you together—I swear!” she said quickly, her eyes wide as she tried to convey the truth in her words. “You and Grey belonged together. Anyone could’ve seen that.”
When she didn’t say more, I walked over to her bed and sat down. Leaning over, I rested my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands. “Why didn’t—how did I not know?” I asked, looking back up at my sister.
“Because you’re my big brother. I couldn’t tell you! And he was with Grey, what was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say?”
A heavy silence filled her bedroom as we sat there, and I tried to process that my little sister had been in love with my best friend—and while I had been busy taking care of Grey after his death, Charlie had dealt with it on her own. “Charlie,” I groaned. “God, Charlie, I’m sorry. If you had told me, I would’ve—I would’ve been there for you.”
She shrugged and sent me a shaky smile before it was disturbed by another sob. “It was hard enough for you, and for her . . . I knew you had to be there for her. And you were in Pullman most of the time anyway.”
“I’m so sorry. I’ve always taken care of you, I still should’ve been there,” I whispered. After another few minutes, I shook my head and sat up straighter. “I don’t understand. You have to know how hard this has been on Grey. I’ve told you how much she’s struggled over the last two years, and now suddenly you’re so mad at her? Now you’re pissed off that we’re together? I don’t—I just don’t understand how you could change the way you felt about Grey and me so drastically, and so fast.”
Charlie laughed sadly and looked down at her hands, which she was nervously twisting. “The way you were talking about her when you were still in college, you told me the bad things. I knew she was still struggling. When I saw her at the graduation, she looked horrible. But when you both came back to Thatch? She looked happy, and you guys looked closer than I’d ever seen you, and I didn’t know when that had happened. I didn’t know when she’d started getting better. And I . . .”
“You what?” I asked when she didn’t continue.
For a while she didn’t respond. When she finally looked up at me, tears were streaming down her face. “I’ve never even had a boyfriend because of Ben. I always only wanted him. When he died—I felt . . . God, I felt like a part of me died, and I had to keep how I felt to myself. And now I’m going on with my life, just like you and Grey are . . . just like everyone is. But that first day I hung out with her after you both moved back, I could see the way Grey looked when we talked about you. I knew she was falling in love with you even if she hadn’t realized it yet, and I hated her for it. Because even though that’s what I’ve always wanted for you, and what I’ve always wanted for her, I hated that she could move on from loving him when I can’t.”
The rest of the air in my lungs left me in one hard rush. “Charlie,” I whispered. “I’m—I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.” I shook my head and looked at her helplessly. “I’m sorry that you went through all that grief alone, but don’t take your hurt out on Grey. After everything she went through, she doesn’t deserve it.”
Charlie let out a sad laugh and nodded, then we just sat there in silence for a while.
Charlie loved Ben and was upset that Grey could move on, but whoever was trying to drive Grey insane wanted to keep Grey and me apart . . . reminding her of what she was supposed to have with Ben. While my mind kept saying the only person who made sense was Charlie, I knew it couldn’t be her. It would’ve been too hard for Charlie to go through everything this person had been.
