Letting Go
Page 59
I opened my mouth to deny that, and smiled when I realized I couldn’t.
“Exactly.”
“Oh, whatever. Tell me why you’re hiding.”
Graham groaned and got comfortable on the couch. “She wants me to move out of here and get my own place, without a roommate, and she’s trying to get me to settle down. She has a new list of eligible girls every time I come over or talk to her.”
“Eligible?” I asked on a laugh. “Oh my God, are you serious?”
He sat up and tried to imitate Mom’s voice. “ ‘They’re single and absolutely darling girls. You’d be lucky to be with any one of them; besides, they’re not like the floozies you normally date.’ ”
I laughed harder and had to wait until I could breathe normally before asking, “Floozies? She really says that?”
“Now you see why I’m hiding?”
“A little,” I admitted.
“She acts like I’m in my midthirties or something. She just keeps saying all the good ones will be gone by the time I realize I’m ready to settle down, so she’s trying to help me see what I’m missing. I’m only twenty-four.”
“Or maybe she’s saying that because she’s secretly hoping you’ll stop whoring yourself around.”
Graham’s foot shot out and connected with my knee. “Don’t be a brat, you know I’m not getting paid.” He grinned wickedly and shrugged. “Whatever, I think she just wants me to be like you.”
My eyebrows rose. “Like me?” I asked dully.
“Yeah. Twenty-two and already with the guy of your dreams, or some bullshit like that. You’ve always known exactly what you want when it comes to who you want to be with, there’s never been a question with Ben or—” Graham cut off quickly, his eyes widening when he realized what he was saying.
I waited for a second to see if he would continue or backtrack, but he just sat there staring directly past me, looking like he was kicking himself for saying anything. “With Ben or Jagger?” I offered, and Graham’s eyes flashed back over to mine.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
“Graham, it’s fine. You’re allowed to talk about Ben. Jagger and I talk about him.”
“But it—I don’t know, and then after what’s been happening . . .”
I smiled and squeezed his arm for a second. “But it’s fine. Even with everything that’s happened, I can still talk about him. When all that shit went down, I was struggling, yeah, but only because I was confused and upset. I had a hard time dealing with the stolen vows and the Facebook messages, but none of that made a difference for me with what happened to Ben.”
Graham watched me for a minute before speaking, and when he did his voice was soft—the worry in his tone clear. “But you look so depressed sometimes, Grey. You look like you’re not dealing or something.”
“I am dealing. I’ve dealt with it. Are there days when it’s hard? Yeah, there are, but it was a sad thing that happened. And you have to remember that a lot of the days that you’ve seen me were really bad or hard days. Like at graduation and the two-year anniversary of Ben’s death. Or coming back to Thatch for the first time in a year. Or when I found out how Jagger felt about me, and felt like everyone was spitting on Ben’s memory. Or the times when I got the messages from his account, or pictures of us together. It would be hard for anyone to go through what I did.”
“I just worry about you.”
“I know. So do Mom and Dad, and so does Jagger, but I really am doing fine.” I grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled it to the side. “Did you notice I’m not wearing my necklace?” Graham shook his head and I released my shirt. “It was time to take it off.”
“When did you do that?”
“A few days ago. It’s now in the box with my engagement ring and some other things.”
“I don’t know what to say to something like that,” he admitted softly. “I want to say I’m happy for you, because I know what taking off the necklace had to mean to you. I want to say I’m glad you’re moving on, and moving on with Jagger. But I hate that you’ve had to go through any of this. It kills me knowing how much you’ve hurt over the last couple years.”
I looked up and blinked quickly to stop the tears that were welling up in my eyes, and gave Graham a soft smile. “Now you’re going to make me cry because you’re being all sweet and stuff.”
Graham sat up and clapped his hands. “Okay, no crying. Because I’ll find someone to hit for making you cry, even if it is my fault. New subject? Something not so depressing?”
“Sure.”
“The love of my life is here!” someone shouted from behind me, and I turned to see Knox standing there with his arms open wide, a bag of greasy food hanging from one hand, a case of beer in the other. “Have you finally realized we’re meant to be together?”
I laughed and Graham grumbled, “Not that subject.”
“What, no girl tonight, Knox?”
He winked, the action so much like Deacon’s, and one I’d come to expect from both of them during the times they were pissing off Graham. “Already left her for the night; somehow I knew I needed to be home, and look what I find.”
“That’s it. I’m killing both you and Deacon,” Graham said simply, as if he’d just decided on what shirt to wear for the day rather than murder.
“Exactly.”
“Oh, whatever. Tell me why you’re hiding.”
Graham groaned and got comfortable on the couch. “She wants me to move out of here and get my own place, without a roommate, and she’s trying to get me to settle down. She has a new list of eligible girls every time I come over or talk to her.”
“Eligible?” I asked on a laugh. “Oh my God, are you serious?”
He sat up and tried to imitate Mom’s voice. “ ‘They’re single and absolutely darling girls. You’d be lucky to be with any one of them; besides, they’re not like the floozies you normally date.’ ”
I laughed harder and had to wait until I could breathe normally before asking, “Floozies? She really says that?”
“Now you see why I’m hiding?”
“A little,” I admitted.
“She acts like I’m in my midthirties or something. She just keeps saying all the good ones will be gone by the time I realize I’m ready to settle down, so she’s trying to help me see what I’m missing. I’m only twenty-four.”
“Or maybe she’s saying that because she’s secretly hoping you’ll stop whoring yourself around.”
Graham’s foot shot out and connected with my knee. “Don’t be a brat, you know I’m not getting paid.” He grinned wickedly and shrugged. “Whatever, I think she just wants me to be like you.”
My eyebrows rose. “Like me?” I asked dully.
“Yeah. Twenty-two and already with the guy of your dreams, or some bullshit like that. You’ve always known exactly what you want when it comes to who you want to be with, there’s never been a question with Ben or—” Graham cut off quickly, his eyes widening when he realized what he was saying.
I waited for a second to see if he would continue or backtrack, but he just sat there staring directly past me, looking like he was kicking himself for saying anything. “With Ben or Jagger?” I offered, and Graham’s eyes flashed back over to mine.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
“Graham, it’s fine. You’re allowed to talk about Ben. Jagger and I talk about him.”
“But it—I don’t know, and then after what’s been happening . . .”
I smiled and squeezed his arm for a second. “But it’s fine. Even with everything that’s happened, I can still talk about him. When all that shit went down, I was struggling, yeah, but only because I was confused and upset. I had a hard time dealing with the stolen vows and the Facebook messages, but none of that made a difference for me with what happened to Ben.”
Graham watched me for a minute before speaking, and when he did his voice was soft—the worry in his tone clear. “But you look so depressed sometimes, Grey. You look like you’re not dealing or something.”
“I am dealing. I’ve dealt with it. Are there days when it’s hard? Yeah, there are, but it was a sad thing that happened. And you have to remember that a lot of the days that you’ve seen me were really bad or hard days. Like at graduation and the two-year anniversary of Ben’s death. Or coming back to Thatch for the first time in a year. Or when I found out how Jagger felt about me, and felt like everyone was spitting on Ben’s memory. Or the times when I got the messages from his account, or pictures of us together. It would be hard for anyone to go through what I did.”
“I just worry about you.”
“I know. So do Mom and Dad, and so does Jagger, but I really am doing fine.” I grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled it to the side. “Did you notice I’m not wearing my necklace?” Graham shook his head and I released my shirt. “It was time to take it off.”
“When did you do that?”
“A few days ago. It’s now in the box with my engagement ring and some other things.”
“I don’t know what to say to something like that,” he admitted softly. “I want to say I’m happy for you, because I know what taking off the necklace had to mean to you. I want to say I’m glad you’re moving on, and moving on with Jagger. But I hate that you’ve had to go through any of this. It kills me knowing how much you’ve hurt over the last couple years.”
I looked up and blinked quickly to stop the tears that were welling up in my eyes, and gave Graham a soft smile. “Now you’re going to make me cry because you’re being all sweet and stuff.”
Graham sat up and clapped his hands. “Okay, no crying. Because I’ll find someone to hit for making you cry, even if it is my fault. New subject? Something not so depressing?”
“Sure.”
“The love of my life is here!” someone shouted from behind me, and I turned to see Knox standing there with his arms open wide, a bag of greasy food hanging from one hand, a case of beer in the other. “Have you finally realized we’re meant to be together?”
I laughed and Graham grumbled, “Not that subject.”
“What, no girl tonight, Knox?”
He winked, the action so much like Deacon’s, and one I’d come to expect from both of them during the times they were pissing off Graham. “Already left her for the night; somehow I knew I needed to be home, and look what I find.”
“That’s it. I’m killing both you and Deacon,” Graham said simply, as if he’d just decided on what shirt to wear for the day rather than murder.
