Leveled
Page 26
The mood at the table dipped and everyone was quiet until Rome suddenly leaned forward and poked the end of his fork in my direction. “That’s bull …” His eyes darted down to his daughter and then back up to me. “That’s a lame excuse to keep from putting yourself out there, man. I got hurt at home and it had nothing to do with my very dangerous job. Shaw got hurt and she’s never so much as killed a spider. Royal’s laid up right now with a busted wing because some kid was texting and driving … and Rem,” he shook his head sadly. “That was an accident, too. Bad stuff happens sometimes and it happens to people we care about. You can’t live life insulated because you are scared of getting too close. Ask my idiot brother over there how well that worked out for him.”
It was pretty much the same lecture my mom had given me about not letting the fear win, only given in a much more authoritarian and no-nonsense way.
Rule nodded in agreement and leaned over to kiss his wife on the temple. “I told myself I was happy, told myself I was fine. If I didn’t let anyone in, then there was no chance of being hurt, but there also wasn’t the chance of feeling all the good stuff that someone special can bring with them either. There was nobody to love, no one to push me to make me better. There was just me screwing everything up over and over again. That’s a pretty lonely existence, dude, and one I know my brother wouldn’t have wanted for you.”
Those were some pretty big guns Rule was pulling out because we all knew that all Remy had wanted was for me, for all of us, to have the best life we possibly could. That’s why he was willing to give me up. He knew I needed someone who could be with me fully; who could love me out in the open without shame or regret or any kind of excuses. Someone like Dominic.
I groaned a little and gave him a hard look. “You play dirty.”
Shaw laughed. “He does and it usually works.”
Rome nodded and stabbed at something on his plate. “Seriously, when you’re with someone who has a dangerous job you become the something that makes them remember to be extra careful while they’re out there doing what they have to do. You give them a reason to stay hyper-focused and you remind them every day what they have to lose. You give them something to come home to and that matters.” I was sure he was speaking from experience. He had spent a long time enlisted in the army and, I was sure, had seen a lot of young men eager to get back to their families stateside.
Was that enough? Remy hadn’t loved me enough or himself enough to come out and be with me the way I needed him to be. It hadn’t been enough. Could letting myself love Dom, going all in with him so that he had a reason to be extra careful, a motive to try and stay as safe as possible, be enough to hold us together?
I didn’t have the answer, but I knew without a question that my doubt, my hesitation, and misgivings were absolutely strong enough and powerful enough to pull us apart if I let them.
Chapter 11
Dominic
No one would ever call me a romantic.
It wasn’t in my nature to plan occasions or to try and capture a moment with someone else. I was too practical for any of that mushy stuff. Well, I was before a certain adorable ginger had invaded my life and most of my waking thoughts.
“What is all this?” Orlando’s tone was soft and slightly startled as I opened the door and ushered him into my apartment.
“All this” was me needing a moment, needing an occasion and wanting to share that with a specific someone: him.
I had cleaned my place up, like really cleaned, not just tidied it up like I usually did when he was over. I also called my mom and asked her how to make her lasagna that I loved. I think she went into shock before telling me to just sit tight because she would just come over and walk me through it. I rarely cooked and I never cooked for someone else. Luckily my mother had been married to a cop long enough that she had pretty good powers of deduction. When she showed up she not only had groceries but everything I would need to make the tiny dining room table off my galley kitchen look presentable. I did not shop at IKEA so believe me when I say the area needed all the help I could give it.
Mom helped me make dinner and peppered me with questions about what was going on the entire time. I really wanted to tell Lando first since he was the reason for my good news, but I couldn’t leave my mom hanging after how awesome she had been, so I told her that finally, after three months of endless work and hours and hours of training, the doctor had given me a clean bill of health to take back to the department.
I had my physical and training course with the department set up at the end of the week. I was back in fighting form, almost back to work and so excited and proud that I couldn’t contain myself. I deserved a moment and I wanted to have it with the man responsible for getting me there so bad I could taste it.
When Lando came into the apartment, his eyes widened at the spread laid out before him. I asked him to come over for dinner, which usually meant takeout or heading somewhere to eat. The only time we ate in was when we were at his place and he cooked, so I wasn’t shocked by his surprise.
“We’re celebrating.” So much so that I actually had on black slacks and a light green button-up shirt instead of my usual jeans and T-shirt. The last time I was this dressed up I had been at a fellow officer’s funeral. It took a pretty serious occasion for me to put the jeans away.
He bent his head and let his lips touch mine softly as I pulled him in for a kiss. I hadn’t shared with him the fact my doctor’s appointment was today because I wasn’t sure how I was going to react if the man told me I wasn’t ready yet. I’d worked so hard, we had worked so hard, I wasn’t sure that I could simply roll with any bad news without it being devastating. Luckily that wasn’t the case and now here we were and I was ready to throw my arms around him and shower him with gratitude and affection.
“What are we celebrating, Dominic?” He sounded amused and a little bit confused.
I should tell him we were celebrating being here together. Things hadn’t looked all that good for a few days after he unceremoniously kicked me out of his bed and ran. For all the talk of not hitting an end or coming to an inevitable finish line, it looked exactly like that’s what we were doing.
My ego had taken a ding and hollered at me to focus on getting better, to concentrate on getting back to work. My heart had tripped and felt like it had been used for a soccer ball, all while my brain calmly explained that things between Lando and I were indeed moving along fairly quickly and there were still a lot of unanswered questions between us about my future and apparently about his past. My common sense told me this was just another bump in the winding and eventually forked road we were currently navigating together. My brain was smart.
It was pretty much the same lecture my mom had given me about not letting the fear win, only given in a much more authoritarian and no-nonsense way.
Rule nodded in agreement and leaned over to kiss his wife on the temple. “I told myself I was happy, told myself I was fine. If I didn’t let anyone in, then there was no chance of being hurt, but there also wasn’t the chance of feeling all the good stuff that someone special can bring with them either. There was nobody to love, no one to push me to make me better. There was just me screwing everything up over and over again. That’s a pretty lonely existence, dude, and one I know my brother wouldn’t have wanted for you.”
Those were some pretty big guns Rule was pulling out because we all knew that all Remy had wanted was for me, for all of us, to have the best life we possibly could. That’s why he was willing to give me up. He knew I needed someone who could be with me fully; who could love me out in the open without shame or regret or any kind of excuses. Someone like Dominic.
I groaned a little and gave him a hard look. “You play dirty.”
Shaw laughed. “He does and it usually works.”
Rome nodded and stabbed at something on his plate. “Seriously, when you’re with someone who has a dangerous job you become the something that makes them remember to be extra careful while they’re out there doing what they have to do. You give them a reason to stay hyper-focused and you remind them every day what they have to lose. You give them something to come home to and that matters.” I was sure he was speaking from experience. He had spent a long time enlisted in the army and, I was sure, had seen a lot of young men eager to get back to their families stateside.
Was that enough? Remy hadn’t loved me enough or himself enough to come out and be with me the way I needed him to be. It hadn’t been enough. Could letting myself love Dom, going all in with him so that he had a reason to be extra careful, a motive to try and stay as safe as possible, be enough to hold us together?
I didn’t have the answer, but I knew without a question that my doubt, my hesitation, and misgivings were absolutely strong enough and powerful enough to pull us apart if I let them.
Chapter 11
Dominic
No one would ever call me a romantic.
It wasn’t in my nature to plan occasions or to try and capture a moment with someone else. I was too practical for any of that mushy stuff. Well, I was before a certain adorable ginger had invaded my life and most of my waking thoughts.
“What is all this?” Orlando’s tone was soft and slightly startled as I opened the door and ushered him into my apartment.
“All this” was me needing a moment, needing an occasion and wanting to share that with a specific someone: him.
I had cleaned my place up, like really cleaned, not just tidied it up like I usually did when he was over. I also called my mom and asked her how to make her lasagna that I loved. I think she went into shock before telling me to just sit tight because she would just come over and walk me through it. I rarely cooked and I never cooked for someone else. Luckily my mother had been married to a cop long enough that she had pretty good powers of deduction. When she showed up she not only had groceries but everything I would need to make the tiny dining room table off my galley kitchen look presentable. I did not shop at IKEA so believe me when I say the area needed all the help I could give it.
Mom helped me make dinner and peppered me with questions about what was going on the entire time. I really wanted to tell Lando first since he was the reason for my good news, but I couldn’t leave my mom hanging after how awesome she had been, so I told her that finally, after three months of endless work and hours and hours of training, the doctor had given me a clean bill of health to take back to the department.
I had my physical and training course with the department set up at the end of the week. I was back in fighting form, almost back to work and so excited and proud that I couldn’t contain myself. I deserved a moment and I wanted to have it with the man responsible for getting me there so bad I could taste it.
When Lando came into the apartment, his eyes widened at the spread laid out before him. I asked him to come over for dinner, which usually meant takeout or heading somewhere to eat. The only time we ate in was when we were at his place and he cooked, so I wasn’t shocked by his surprise.
“We’re celebrating.” So much so that I actually had on black slacks and a light green button-up shirt instead of my usual jeans and T-shirt. The last time I was this dressed up I had been at a fellow officer’s funeral. It took a pretty serious occasion for me to put the jeans away.
He bent his head and let his lips touch mine softly as I pulled him in for a kiss. I hadn’t shared with him the fact my doctor’s appointment was today because I wasn’t sure how I was going to react if the man told me I wasn’t ready yet. I’d worked so hard, we had worked so hard, I wasn’t sure that I could simply roll with any bad news without it being devastating. Luckily that wasn’t the case and now here we were and I was ready to throw my arms around him and shower him with gratitude and affection.
“What are we celebrating, Dominic?” He sounded amused and a little bit confused.
I should tell him we were celebrating being here together. Things hadn’t looked all that good for a few days after he unceremoniously kicked me out of his bed and ran. For all the talk of not hitting an end or coming to an inevitable finish line, it looked exactly like that’s what we were doing.
My ego had taken a ding and hollered at me to focus on getting better, to concentrate on getting back to work. My heart had tripped and felt like it had been used for a soccer ball, all while my brain calmly explained that things between Lando and I were indeed moving along fairly quickly and there were still a lot of unanswered questions between us about my future and apparently about his past. My common sense told me this was just another bump in the winding and eventually forked road we were currently navigating together. My brain was smart.
