Leveled
Page 36
That morning before we both left for work, I handed Dom a cup of coffee.
“You need to tell me what’s going on with you. I can’t be in a relationship where we keep things from one another, Dom. There’s too much at stake here for you to start shutting me out now.” I knew it was hypocritical considering I’d kept him in the dark for so long, but I knew now what we had to lose if he didn’t let me in.
He narrowed his eyes at me over the rim of his coffee mug. “Everything is fine, Lando. I’m just trying to settle in.”
I shook my head at him. “Things are not fine. You’re not happy, Dom and I can see it.”
His dark eyebrows winged up and he turned to put his mug on the counter. “You make me happy. Coming home to you and going to bed with you every night is better than anything has ever been.”
Well, this was something, but it wasn’t enough. “You make me happy, too, but there has to be more to life than that. You worked so hard to get back to work. I thought you would be celebrating, not moping around.”
He shrugged absently and moved to grab his coat and his keys. “I thought I would be celebrating, too. It hasn’t worked out that way.”
I followed him to the door and grabbed his arm as he was about to leave. He looked down at my fingers and then up at the concerned expression I knew was stamped all over my face. “There has to be a reason it hasn’t worked out that way, Dom. I don’t want you out there, drifting in a job as dangerous as yours is. That’s a recipe for disaster.”
He opened his mouth to argue, I could see the fight fire up in his eyes and I had flashbacks to the last time I disagreed with someone I loved right before they walked out the door. My panic must have been clear in my expression because I saw the battle go quiet as he continued to watch me and then he leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss before shouting over his shoulder, “Maybe you’re right. Don’t worry about me and I’ll see you later.”
Had we met? Of course I was going to worry about him and a few hours later, when I was in the middle of a session with a pro golfer with a wicked shoulder injury and one of the staff came and found me to tell me once again there was a cop waiting for me in my office, I almost passed out. All I could imagine was Royal or one of Dom’s other coworkers there to tell me he was hurt, or worse.
I pawned my client off onto another therapist and hurried to the office and came to a standstill when I caught sight of my guy standing in front of the set of shelves that still had the picture of me and Remy on it but now sat next to a picture of me and Dom from his surprise party at the bar. We had our arms around one another and even from this distance I knew how happy we looked together.
“You scared the shit out of me.” I closed the door and bent over and put my hands on my knees so I could catch the breath that had been sucked out of me by the chill of fear and the dash to the office.
Dom looked genuinely confused as he turned around and stared at me. “Why?”
I waved him off figuring he would just make light of my overreaction and straightened so I could make my way over to my desk. I propped my ass on the corner of it and let my eyes rove over him. He really did look exceptionally sexy in that uniform.
“I wasn’t expecting you. Did you stop by for lunch? I was with a client, but I found someone else to finish his session for me.”
He came closer to where I was standing and took his hat off and flung it on the top of my desk. He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed. “No, I didn’t come by for lunch. I came by because I want to talk to you.”
“Oh yeah? About what?” I couldn’t imagine what was so important that had taken him from work and brought him to me. I also couldn’t keep the trepidation out of my voice.
He grinned at me and it settled some of my nerves. “I told you not to worry about me Mr. Fancy-Pants. I just needed to figure some things out at work and I wanted to run everything by you first.”
I felt my eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “What’s going on with work?”
He started to pace back and forth in front of me with a loose gate. “I haven’t been happy at work; you were right about that.”
I snorted. “Obviously.”
He cut me a sideways look and kept moving. I was getting whiplash watching him, but I knew he needed to get whatever was bugging him off his chest, so I didn’t bother asking him to stand still while we talked.
“I couldn’t figure it out. Something was off after I finished all the requalification. I shoulda been doing backflips, but all I wanted to do was drink a beer and sulk.” He paused for a second and put his hands on his hips and looked down at the tips of his black boots. “I thought I just needed to get back in the rhythm of the streets that I just had to find my groove again.” He blinked as he looked up at me. “The groove is gone. The passion I had for my job is gone. Something’s been missing, and I haven’t been able to put my finger on what it is.”
Now that was surprising. “What’s changed?” I loved the idea of him not being in danger every day but I didn’t want him to give up something he loved because of me. I didn’t want him to look back on his life and regret being with me or feel resentful that he had to give up something in exchange for my happiness.
He huffed out a breath and started pacing again. “I changed. For most of my adult life, all I’ve ever been is a cop. That is the skin I was most comfortable in; that was the title I brandished around whenever I felt like I needed to justify who I was as a man. I was scared to lose that, to have to be something other than a police officer because that is all I’ve ever been. I was telling you to take a risk and yet I was refusing to take one of my own.”
I made a hum of agreement but said nothing as he continued to pace and talk.
“It started to occur to me recently that I’ve always been a lot of things that are more important and more impressive than being a cop. I’m a big brother. I’m a son. I’m a best friend. I’m a survivor.” He stopped directly in front of me and his eyes locked on mine. “I’m a boyfriend.”
I couldn’t hold back the grin that teased my lips. “A great boyfriend.”
He grinned back at me and it made my heart trip and my blood start to heat up. “I think I’ve been trying to play the role of a cop instead of actually being a cop since I’ve been back and you’re right, that is a recipe for disaster.”
“You need to tell me what’s going on with you. I can’t be in a relationship where we keep things from one another, Dom. There’s too much at stake here for you to start shutting me out now.” I knew it was hypocritical considering I’d kept him in the dark for so long, but I knew now what we had to lose if he didn’t let me in.
He narrowed his eyes at me over the rim of his coffee mug. “Everything is fine, Lando. I’m just trying to settle in.”
I shook my head at him. “Things are not fine. You’re not happy, Dom and I can see it.”
His dark eyebrows winged up and he turned to put his mug on the counter. “You make me happy. Coming home to you and going to bed with you every night is better than anything has ever been.”
Well, this was something, but it wasn’t enough. “You make me happy, too, but there has to be more to life than that. You worked so hard to get back to work. I thought you would be celebrating, not moping around.”
He shrugged absently and moved to grab his coat and his keys. “I thought I would be celebrating, too. It hasn’t worked out that way.”
I followed him to the door and grabbed his arm as he was about to leave. He looked down at my fingers and then up at the concerned expression I knew was stamped all over my face. “There has to be a reason it hasn’t worked out that way, Dom. I don’t want you out there, drifting in a job as dangerous as yours is. That’s a recipe for disaster.”
He opened his mouth to argue, I could see the fight fire up in his eyes and I had flashbacks to the last time I disagreed with someone I loved right before they walked out the door. My panic must have been clear in my expression because I saw the battle go quiet as he continued to watch me and then he leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss before shouting over his shoulder, “Maybe you’re right. Don’t worry about me and I’ll see you later.”
Had we met? Of course I was going to worry about him and a few hours later, when I was in the middle of a session with a pro golfer with a wicked shoulder injury and one of the staff came and found me to tell me once again there was a cop waiting for me in my office, I almost passed out. All I could imagine was Royal or one of Dom’s other coworkers there to tell me he was hurt, or worse.
I pawned my client off onto another therapist and hurried to the office and came to a standstill when I caught sight of my guy standing in front of the set of shelves that still had the picture of me and Remy on it but now sat next to a picture of me and Dom from his surprise party at the bar. We had our arms around one another and even from this distance I knew how happy we looked together.
“You scared the shit out of me.” I closed the door and bent over and put my hands on my knees so I could catch the breath that had been sucked out of me by the chill of fear and the dash to the office.
Dom looked genuinely confused as he turned around and stared at me. “Why?”
I waved him off figuring he would just make light of my overreaction and straightened so I could make my way over to my desk. I propped my ass on the corner of it and let my eyes rove over him. He really did look exceptionally sexy in that uniform.
“I wasn’t expecting you. Did you stop by for lunch? I was with a client, but I found someone else to finish his session for me.”
He came closer to where I was standing and took his hat off and flung it on the top of my desk. He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed. “No, I didn’t come by for lunch. I came by because I want to talk to you.”
“Oh yeah? About what?” I couldn’t imagine what was so important that had taken him from work and brought him to me. I also couldn’t keep the trepidation out of my voice.
He grinned at me and it settled some of my nerves. “I told you not to worry about me Mr. Fancy-Pants. I just needed to figure some things out at work and I wanted to run everything by you first.”
I felt my eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “What’s going on with work?”
He started to pace back and forth in front of me with a loose gate. “I haven’t been happy at work; you were right about that.”
I snorted. “Obviously.”
He cut me a sideways look and kept moving. I was getting whiplash watching him, but I knew he needed to get whatever was bugging him off his chest, so I didn’t bother asking him to stand still while we talked.
“I couldn’t figure it out. Something was off after I finished all the requalification. I shoulda been doing backflips, but all I wanted to do was drink a beer and sulk.” He paused for a second and put his hands on his hips and looked down at the tips of his black boots. “I thought I just needed to get back in the rhythm of the streets that I just had to find my groove again.” He blinked as he looked up at me. “The groove is gone. The passion I had for my job is gone. Something’s been missing, and I haven’t been able to put my finger on what it is.”
Now that was surprising. “What’s changed?” I loved the idea of him not being in danger every day but I didn’t want him to give up something he loved because of me. I didn’t want him to look back on his life and regret being with me or feel resentful that he had to give up something in exchange for my happiness.
He huffed out a breath and started pacing again. “I changed. For most of my adult life, all I’ve ever been is a cop. That is the skin I was most comfortable in; that was the title I brandished around whenever I felt like I needed to justify who I was as a man. I was scared to lose that, to have to be something other than a police officer because that is all I’ve ever been. I was telling you to take a risk and yet I was refusing to take one of my own.”
I made a hum of agreement but said nothing as he continued to pace and talk.
“It started to occur to me recently that I’ve always been a lot of things that are more important and more impressive than being a cop. I’m a big brother. I’m a son. I’m a best friend. I’m a survivor.” He stopped directly in front of me and his eyes locked on mine. “I’m a boyfriend.”
I couldn’t hold back the grin that teased my lips. “A great boyfriend.”
He grinned back at me and it made my heart trip and my blood start to heat up. “I think I’ve been trying to play the role of a cop instead of actually being a cop since I’ve been back and you’re right, that is a recipe for disaster.”
