Light in the Shadows
Page 14
What had I just thought about moving on? Because right now, my body, my mind and my heart wasn’t moving past the fact that the wrong guy sat beside me. I got to my feet without a word. I dumped my food unceremoniously onto Jake’s tray. “If you’re so damn hungry, just have it all,” I barked. Rachel and Danny, who had been in the middle of telling Jake about a movie they had seen, became instantly quiet.
Jake’s mouth hung open in shock and he looked at me with hurt evident on his face. And that made me feel even worse. “Sorry,” I mumbled and then walked away as fast I could without actually running.
Of course Rachel followed me. “Mags! Wait up!” she called out as I tried to make my escape. There would be no getting away from her, so I stopped and let her catch up, resigning myself to a round of “what’s wrong?”
But I should have known that Rachel would understand exactly what I needed. Because she didn’t ask me anything. “Let’s go to the library and study for that Chem pop quiz you know we’re going to have,” she said, pulling on my arm.
I looked down at the petite girl and wanted to hug her. And I would have, if that were my thing. But since it wasn’t, I just let her pull me down the hallway. And like that, my fantastic friend pushed me straight into that normal I was desperate to have.
***
Though once the floodgates were opened, it was pretty hard to shut them again. Clay’s memory taunted me all day long. Who was I kidding? Even as I tried so hard to get on with things, he was always there waiting to yank me back again. The ghost of him was almost more dangerous than the real thing.
After school I rushed home, giving my friends an excuse of a headache. They hadn’t questioned me, even as I knew they saw straight through my bullshit. Luckily my parents hadn’t gotten home from work yet, so pretending I was fine wasn’t necessary.
I dropped my book bag on the couch and headed upstairs to my room, taking two steps at a time. Once there, I closed my door behind me and fell onto my bed. I was tired. Bone aching, gut wrenching tired. I stared at the ceiling and wished for the millionth time that I could talk to Clay. I just wanted to know that he was all right. I wanted to hear his voice saying my name like it was the air he breathed.
Which was so beyond stupid. He had left me behind. Had sent me that stupid letter telling me to move the f**k on. To get on with my life, as if forgetting about what he and I had been through was an easy thing to do. Maybe it had been for him. Not for the first time, I wondered if I had loved my sad, broken boy more than he was capable of loving me.
Without thinking about what I was doing I slid off my bed and got on my hands and knees to root under my bed. Finding what I was looking for, I pulled it out. The heavy package wrapped in newspaper. I didn’t do fancy gift wrap. What was the point when it would be ripped apart?
Why was I hanging onto this thing? I had gotten the gift in the first week after losing Clay. I had been desperate to do something, anything, that allowed me to hold onto what we had. I had wrapped it and put it under my bed. Never forgetting about it, but not entirely sure what I was going to do with it either.
It wasn’t like I could send it to him. I didn’t even know where he was. And after getting the brush off, I should have just thrown it out. I stared at the gift a bit longer and then made up my mind.
I tucked it into my messenger bag and went back down stairs to grab my keys. Fifteen minutes later I was pulling into a familiar parking lot. My heart hammered in my chest and my breathing was heavy. What the hell was I doing?
I found myself getting out of my car and walking toward the front of the store. The tinkling of bells indicated my entrance. Looking around, I was comforted by the familiarity of my surroundings.
I knew why I had avoided Ruby’s Bookshelf but standing there, breathing in the pungent incense and hearing the predictable strains of the new age music over the speakers, I only felt peaceful. I wasn’t hit by any of my newly acquired neurosis when confronted by anything “Clay related.” No, this was a place I had loved before he came along and I realized that I could still enjoy being here.
“Maggie!” I turned to the sound of Clay’s aunt Ruby, who had come around the counter and was practically running toward me. Despite the initial gut twisting that accompanied seeing Ruby after all this time, she was still a welcome sight.
“Hiya Ruby!” I said softly as I was enveloped in a warm hug. There was just something about this woman that made me feel safe. As if the bad memories could be washed away by her infectious happiness.
“It’s been too long, my love.” She squeezed my cheeks between her palms and I couldn’t help but grin.
“You’re right. It has been.” I looked around the shop. “I think some new reading material is in order,” I said, putting off the real reason for my visit. Ruby nodded and shooed me into the back where she kept the books.
“Take your time! I just got a bunch of new stuff. They’re in a pile on the table there.” Ruby seemed so genuinely glad to see me and I felt a bit guilty for not coming by sooner. I couldn’t shut everyone and everything out. It was time for me to grow up and reintroduce myself to my spine.
So I did as Ruby said and took my time browsing the books. I even took it upon myself to shelve the items she clearly hadn’t had time to sort out yet. It felt good to slip back into a part of my life that I had avoided for so long. And even if doing the mundane task reminded me of a dozen days spent doing this very thing with a boy I had loved and lost, it still felt good to do it.
Jake’s mouth hung open in shock and he looked at me with hurt evident on his face. And that made me feel even worse. “Sorry,” I mumbled and then walked away as fast I could without actually running.
Of course Rachel followed me. “Mags! Wait up!” she called out as I tried to make my escape. There would be no getting away from her, so I stopped and let her catch up, resigning myself to a round of “what’s wrong?”
But I should have known that Rachel would understand exactly what I needed. Because she didn’t ask me anything. “Let’s go to the library and study for that Chem pop quiz you know we’re going to have,” she said, pulling on my arm.
I looked down at the petite girl and wanted to hug her. And I would have, if that were my thing. But since it wasn’t, I just let her pull me down the hallway. And like that, my fantastic friend pushed me straight into that normal I was desperate to have.
***
Though once the floodgates were opened, it was pretty hard to shut them again. Clay’s memory taunted me all day long. Who was I kidding? Even as I tried so hard to get on with things, he was always there waiting to yank me back again. The ghost of him was almost more dangerous than the real thing.
After school I rushed home, giving my friends an excuse of a headache. They hadn’t questioned me, even as I knew they saw straight through my bullshit. Luckily my parents hadn’t gotten home from work yet, so pretending I was fine wasn’t necessary.
I dropped my book bag on the couch and headed upstairs to my room, taking two steps at a time. Once there, I closed my door behind me and fell onto my bed. I was tired. Bone aching, gut wrenching tired. I stared at the ceiling and wished for the millionth time that I could talk to Clay. I just wanted to know that he was all right. I wanted to hear his voice saying my name like it was the air he breathed.
Which was so beyond stupid. He had left me behind. Had sent me that stupid letter telling me to move the f**k on. To get on with my life, as if forgetting about what he and I had been through was an easy thing to do. Maybe it had been for him. Not for the first time, I wondered if I had loved my sad, broken boy more than he was capable of loving me.
Without thinking about what I was doing I slid off my bed and got on my hands and knees to root under my bed. Finding what I was looking for, I pulled it out. The heavy package wrapped in newspaper. I didn’t do fancy gift wrap. What was the point when it would be ripped apart?
Why was I hanging onto this thing? I had gotten the gift in the first week after losing Clay. I had been desperate to do something, anything, that allowed me to hold onto what we had. I had wrapped it and put it under my bed. Never forgetting about it, but not entirely sure what I was going to do with it either.
It wasn’t like I could send it to him. I didn’t even know where he was. And after getting the brush off, I should have just thrown it out. I stared at the gift a bit longer and then made up my mind.
I tucked it into my messenger bag and went back down stairs to grab my keys. Fifteen minutes later I was pulling into a familiar parking lot. My heart hammered in my chest and my breathing was heavy. What the hell was I doing?
I found myself getting out of my car and walking toward the front of the store. The tinkling of bells indicated my entrance. Looking around, I was comforted by the familiarity of my surroundings.
I knew why I had avoided Ruby’s Bookshelf but standing there, breathing in the pungent incense and hearing the predictable strains of the new age music over the speakers, I only felt peaceful. I wasn’t hit by any of my newly acquired neurosis when confronted by anything “Clay related.” No, this was a place I had loved before he came along and I realized that I could still enjoy being here.
“Maggie!” I turned to the sound of Clay’s aunt Ruby, who had come around the counter and was practically running toward me. Despite the initial gut twisting that accompanied seeing Ruby after all this time, she was still a welcome sight.
“Hiya Ruby!” I said softly as I was enveloped in a warm hug. There was just something about this woman that made me feel safe. As if the bad memories could be washed away by her infectious happiness.
“It’s been too long, my love.” She squeezed my cheeks between her palms and I couldn’t help but grin.
“You’re right. It has been.” I looked around the shop. “I think some new reading material is in order,” I said, putting off the real reason for my visit. Ruby nodded and shooed me into the back where she kept the books.
“Take your time! I just got a bunch of new stuff. They’re in a pile on the table there.” Ruby seemed so genuinely glad to see me and I felt a bit guilty for not coming by sooner. I couldn’t shut everyone and everything out. It was time for me to grow up and reintroduce myself to my spine.
So I did as Ruby said and took my time browsing the books. I even took it upon myself to shelve the items she clearly hadn’t had time to sort out yet. It felt good to slip back into a part of my life that I had avoided for so long. And even if doing the mundane task reminded me of a dozen days spent doing this very thing with a boy I had loved and lost, it still felt good to do it.
