Light in the Shadows
Page 17
A group home? That sounded about as much fun as a freaking funeral. But I got what the doc was saying. I didn’t want him to think that just because I was eighteen now, I would forget everything I had learned since coming to the center. I felt the need to prove myself. To show him I was getting better.
“Doc, I’m not going anywhere. I’d like to make it through the rest of my stay and then we can discuss what comes next,” I said confidentially, watching as Dr. Todd tried to control the look of relief that flashed across his face.
He got up went to sit back behind his desk. “I’m glad to hear that, Clayton,” he said, giving me that calming smile of his. After that, our session was more lighthearted. No delving into my gnarly past or reworking my twisted thoughts. Instead, we engaged in benign chitchat. Including an almost heated exchange about college basketball.
Yep, today was shaping up to be one of the good ones.
***
After dinner, Maria, Tyler and I were heading to the common room to watch some TV, when Jacqui, the night administrator asked me to come to her office. I shrugged at my friends who looked at me questioningly. “I’ll catch up with you guys in a bit,” I told them, following Jacqui down the hallway.
“I didn’t do it, I swear,” I teased as we entered her office. Jacqui’s normally sour face jerked into an almost smile as she patted my arm.
“Nothing to worry about, Clay,” she assured me, waving me in so she could close the door. As soon as I was inside, I was enveloped in a set of warm arms and the pungent scent of patchouli. My Aunt Ruby gripped me like her life depended on it. And I suddenly realized that I should have been more than a little suspicious when I hadn’t heard from her yet today. As if Ruby and Lisa would ever miss my birthday.
But I had never thought she’d travel thirteen hundred miles to see me though. But that was Ruby. She had always loved me more than I sometimes deserved.
“Ruby,” I said, smiling at my much shorter aunt. She beamed up at me. She was dressed in her typical gypsy getup, complete with flowing skirts and some crazy scarf thing around her neck. She even had tiny shells sticking out her hair. Where the hell she got the ideas for her outfits, I had no idea.
Ruby reached up and patted my cheek, the way she had done since I was a little kid. “My Clay. It’s so good to see you.” Her grin was infectious. Ruby radiated a positive energy that was impossible to ignore. She had helped pull me out more than my fair share of dark places by just being her. I would do anything and everything for the woman who stood in front of me. She was the mother I wished mine could be. She had been down at least four times in the last three months. Lisa had come with her whenever she could, but work kept her pretty busy.
Four times, my aunt had been to see me and my parents hadn’t come once.
“What are you doing here? And where’s Lisa?” I asked as she hugged me tightly again. Ruby pulled back and gave me a mock scowl.
“As if I would miss your eighteenth birthday! Don’t be silly. And Lisa would have been here but her work has been crazy,” she explained, swatting my arm. She pulled me over to the small couch that sat in the corner of the office. Jacqui had left, giving us some time to visit. Ruby hefted a heavy canvas bag that she had with her.
“Are you carting around a ton of bricks in there?” I joked, watching as my aunt pulled out a squished cardboard box.
“Oh darn. It’s all smooshed,” Ruby complained, peering down into the box. She closed the lid and handed it to me. “Well, it should still taste good.” She had brought me a freaking birthday cake. My name swirled in blue icing and tiny paintbrushes decorated the surface. I felt my chest seize up. Christ, I was seriously turning into a mess. Crying over every tiny thing. What happened to being a man? I needed to find some shit kickers and a Stetson. Channel some Marlon Brando or something.
But f**k me, I couldn’t remember the last time I had a birthday cake. And today I had been given two. Even I wasn’t immune to the warm fuzzies that brought on. Ruby then pulled out two plates.
I watched her as she cut me a large slab and I attacked it like I was starving. I was always a sucker for anything sweet. Ruby ate delicately around the icing, complaining that she should have gotten carob instead of chocolate because it was healthier. I let her grumble about white sugar being worse than rat poisoning and how ingesting white flour was like personally asking for your pancreas to shut down. I just listened silently and ate the hell out of some diabetes slathered in chocolate.
“I still can’t believe you came down here. It really means a lot to me,” I said after I was finished. Ruby’s eyes started to water and I braced myself for the tear fest. Ruby was notorious for being overly emotional and once upon a time I would have run for the hills at the slightest hint of the touchy feely stuff.
I had spent a long time creating a very thick, impenetrable wall around myself. A wall that made it easier for me to live each day inside my own very screwed up head. If I didn’t let people get too close, then I didn’t have to feel the guilt of disappointing them later.
But that had been blown to pieces by a pair of beautiful eyes and a snarky attitude.
Can’t go there. Not now. Not when I was feeling good. Otherwise I’d end up a blubbering mess alongside my already blubbering aunt.
Ruby wrapped her small fingers around my arm and squeezed. I covered her hand with my much larger one. I was learning to be okay with showing people that I cared about them. That it was good to share your feelings. That I didn’t have to protect people from the person that I was. That damn it, I was worth loving. This was drilled into my head every single day. I was told over and over again that gosh darn it, people like me. But it still stuck in the back of my throat. This insane notion that I was a decent human being.
“Doc, I’m not going anywhere. I’d like to make it through the rest of my stay and then we can discuss what comes next,” I said confidentially, watching as Dr. Todd tried to control the look of relief that flashed across his face.
He got up went to sit back behind his desk. “I’m glad to hear that, Clayton,” he said, giving me that calming smile of his. After that, our session was more lighthearted. No delving into my gnarly past or reworking my twisted thoughts. Instead, we engaged in benign chitchat. Including an almost heated exchange about college basketball.
Yep, today was shaping up to be one of the good ones.
***
After dinner, Maria, Tyler and I were heading to the common room to watch some TV, when Jacqui, the night administrator asked me to come to her office. I shrugged at my friends who looked at me questioningly. “I’ll catch up with you guys in a bit,” I told them, following Jacqui down the hallway.
“I didn’t do it, I swear,” I teased as we entered her office. Jacqui’s normally sour face jerked into an almost smile as she patted my arm.
“Nothing to worry about, Clay,” she assured me, waving me in so she could close the door. As soon as I was inside, I was enveloped in a set of warm arms and the pungent scent of patchouli. My Aunt Ruby gripped me like her life depended on it. And I suddenly realized that I should have been more than a little suspicious when I hadn’t heard from her yet today. As if Ruby and Lisa would ever miss my birthday.
But I had never thought she’d travel thirteen hundred miles to see me though. But that was Ruby. She had always loved me more than I sometimes deserved.
“Ruby,” I said, smiling at my much shorter aunt. She beamed up at me. She was dressed in her typical gypsy getup, complete with flowing skirts and some crazy scarf thing around her neck. She even had tiny shells sticking out her hair. Where the hell she got the ideas for her outfits, I had no idea.
Ruby reached up and patted my cheek, the way she had done since I was a little kid. “My Clay. It’s so good to see you.” Her grin was infectious. Ruby radiated a positive energy that was impossible to ignore. She had helped pull me out more than my fair share of dark places by just being her. I would do anything and everything for the woman who stood in front of me. She was the mother I wished mine could be. She had been down at least four times in the last three months. Lisa had come with her whenever she could, but work kept her pretty busy.
Four times, my aunt had been to see me and my parents hadn’t come once.
“What are you doing here? And where’s Lisa?” I asked as she hugged me tightly again. Ruby pulled back and gave me a mock scowl.
“As if I would miss your eighteenth birthday! Don’t be silly. And Lisa would have been here but her work has been crazy,” she explained, swatting my arm. She pulled me over to the small couch that sat in the corner of the office. Jacqui had left, giving us some time to visit. Ruby hefted a heavy canvas bag that she had with her.
“Are you carting around a ton of bricks in there?” I joked, watching as my aunt pulled out a squished cardboard box.
“Oh darn. It’s all smooshed,” Ruby complained, peering down into the box. She closed the lid and handed it to me. “Well, it should still taste good.” She had brought me a freaking birthday cake. My name swirled in blue icing and tiny paintbrushes decorated the surface. I felt my chest seize up. Christ, I was seriously turning into a mess. Crying over every tiny thing. What happened to being a man? I needed to find some shit kickers and a Stetson. Channel some Marlon Brando or something.
But f**k me, I couldn’t remember the last time I had a birthday cake. And today I had been given two. Even I wasn’t immune to the warm fuzzies that brought on. Ruby then pulled out two plates.
I watched her as she cut me a large slab and I attacked it like I was starving. I was always a sucker for anything sweet. Ruby ate delicately around the icing, complaining that she should have gotten carob instead of chocolate because it was healthier. I let her grumble about white sugar being worse than rat poisoning and how ingesting white flour was like personally asking for your pancreas to shut down. I just listened silently and ate the hell out of some diabetes slathered in chocolate.
“I still can’t believe you came down here. It really means a lot to me,” I said after I was finished. Ruby’s eyes started to water and I braced myself for the tear fest. Ruby was notorious for being overly emotional and once upon a time I would have run for the hills at the slightest hint of the touchy feely stuff.
I had spent a long time creating a very thick, impenetrable wall around myself. A wall that made it easier for me to live each day inside my own very screwed up head. If I didn’t let people get too close, then I didn’t have to feel the guilt of disappointing them later.
But that had been blown to pieces by a pair of beautiful eyes and a snarky attitude.
Can’t go there. Not now. Not when I was feeling good. Otherwise I’d end up a blubbering mess alongside my already blubbering aunt.
Ruby wrapped her small fingers around my arm and squeezed. I covered her hand with my much larger one. I was learning to be okay with showing people that I cared about them. That it was good to share your feelings. That I didn’t have to protect people from the person that I was. That damn it, I was worth loving. This was drilled into my head every single day. I was told over and over again that gosh darn it, people like me. But it still stuck in the back of my throat. This insane notion that I was a decent human being.
