Light in the Shadows
Page 2
And it felt unbelievable.
So, with all eyes on me, I thought really hard about my answer to Matt's question. And then, just like that I had it. A memory that was actually good and not tainted by anger and bitterness. “My dad taking me fishing.” Lydia smiled at me. “Yeah. It was before things got really bad. My dad wasn't the district attorney yet, so he had more time for me. He picked me up from school early one day and drove us out to a lake. I can't really remember where. Anyway, we spent all day fishing and talking. It was nice.”
I found myself smiling as I remembered a time I could be with my dad without wanting to rip his face off. Matt nodded. “That sounds awesome, Clay. Thanks for sharing that with us.” And he was moving on to the next person.
The memory of that time with my dad made me feel pretty good. I was feeling that way a lot more lately. Less of the crazy depression and anger, and more of the happy-go-lucky thing that I never thought I was capable of experiencing.
I'm sure it had a lot to do with my new medication. After I came to the Grayson Center, my new doctor, Doctor Todd as we kids called him, put me on a new pill. One that helped control my mood swings without turning me into a zombie.
It was pretty great. And even though I had moments where I strangely missed those energetic highs, which Doctor Todd told me was normal, I sure as hell didn't miss the crippling lows. The psychotherapy that I attended three times a week was also helping a lot. It was nice to not have to worry about hurting myself or someone else. To think that maybe I would be able to get my shit together and find a way back to where I belonged.
With Maggie.
I shook my head. I couldn't think about her here in group. That was something I saved for when I was alone. Because if I started thinking of her now, I would invariably start thinking about how much I hurt her and how I f**ked things up so royally. And then my feel- good mood would evaporate in a flash. Snap. Just like that.
I must have zoned out for a while, because I suddenly realized that the other kids were getting to their feet. Maria grinned at me. “Earth to Clay!” She reached for my hand to help me up. I looked at her a moment as I got to my feet. Maria had a nice smile and really pretty eyes. But she wasn't Maggie. I dropped her hand quickly. I tried to pretend that I didn't see the disappointment flash across her face. We walked together out of the common room and headed down the hallway to the cafeteria. “That was pretty tough today,” Maria said as we joined up with the others, who were getting in line for lunch.
I nodded. “Yeah. It's kinda hard finding something nice to say about my parents. You know, considering they're a bunch of self-absorbed asses,” I joked, picking up a tray. Maria giggled behind me.
“I know what you mean. My mom is a cracked out dead beat who refused to protect me from my dad because it got in the way of her next high. Thinking of the ooey gooey times together is more than a little difficult.”
I took a plate of pasta and a salad and moved to drinks, getting myself a bottle of water. Maria followed me to our regular table near the large window overlooking the gardens. Tyler and our other friends, Susan and Greg, were already seated.
“Hey guys,” I said as I sat down. Greg scooted over to make room and Maria sat on my other side.
“How was group?” Tyler asked around a mouthful of sandwich. Maria and I shrugged in unison and we laughed.
“It was group. How about you guys?” Maria commented. The other three were in a group for substance abuse the same time Maria and I were in ours. Susan Biddle, a short girl with brown hair and big brown eyes who reminded me a lot of Maggie's friend Rachel, snorted.
“It would have been better if loud mouth Austin hadn't decided to be a total dick to Jean.” Jean was the substance abuse counselor at the center. And Austin was this places' Paul Delawder, the dick who had destroyed my MP3 player my first day at Jackson High School back in Virginia.
The guy Maggie had jumped to defend me from. I smiled at the memory of my brave girl.
Maria elbowed me in the side to bring me back to the conversation. “Fuck, Austin. He sucks,” I said smiling. Greg, Susan, and Tyler agreed and the conversation then focused on the movie the center was showing tonight.
Every week, if we had earned enough merits and were doing well in our therapy, we earned a movie night. We earned merits for completing various chores that the behavioral aides and therapists assigned us. This week my job was to keep the common room clean. I shared the job with three other kids. I had earned all of my merits for the week, which was pretty cool. I had lost a lot of them my first two weeks here. So getting to join in the fun stuff was about as excited as I got anymore.
It wasn't like we left the facility or anything. But it was nice to hang out with everyone in a non-therapeutic way and watch a movie without having to talk about our feelings. Everyone could just relax and remember for a little while, that yeah, we were still teenagers.
Maria, Tyler (who was my roommate), and I walked back to my room after lunch. We had an hour until afternoon sessions started. I had a one on one with the substance abuse counselor, Jean. The others had sessions either with their counselors or in groups. That was the thing about this place. It was one big session after another with a tiny bit of school squeezed into the mix. We had two hours in the morning for school work provided by the Miami School District and then the rest of the day was all about dealing with our issues.
Maria went and flopped on my bed, making herself at home. I had gotten pretty close to Maria since I got here (in a purely platonic way of course) and she often came back to the room to hang with Tyler and me. But it still felt weird to have her on my bed, even if she was just sitting on it. Because I didn't want to see any girl but Maggie May Young on my bed.
So, with all eyes on me, I thought really hard about my answer to Matt's question. And then, just like that I had it. A memory that was actually good and not tainted by anger and bitterness. “My dad taking me fishing.” Lydia smiled at me. “Yeah. It was before things got really bad. My dad wasn't the district attorney yet, so he had more time for me. He picked me up from school early one day and drove us out to a lake. I can't really remember where. Anyway, we spent all day fishing and talking. It was nice.”
I found myself smiling as I remembered a time I could be with my dad without wanting to rip his face off. Matt nodded. “That sounds awesome, Clay. Thanks for sharing that with us.” And he was moving on to the next person.
The memory of that time with my dad made me feel pretty good. I was feeling that way a lot more lately. Less of the crazy depression and anger, and more of the happy-go-lucky thing that I never thought I was capable of experiencing.
I'm sure it had a lot to do with my new medication. After I came to the Grayson Center, my new doctor, Doctor Todd as we kids called him, put me on a new pill. One that helped control my mood swings without turning me into a zombie.
It was pretty great. And even though I had moments where I strangely missed those energetic highs, which Doctor Todd told me was normal, I sure as hell didn't miss the crippling lows. The psychotherapy that I attended three times a week was also helping a lot. It was nice to not have to worry about hurting myself or someone else. To think that maybe I would be able to get my shit together and find a way back to where I belonged.
With Maggie.
I shook my head. I couldn't think about her here in group. That was something I saved for when I was alone. Because if I started thinking of her now, I would invariably start thinking about how much I hurt her and how I f**ked things up so royally. And then my feel- good mood would evaporate in a flash. Snap. Just like that.
I must have zoned out for a while, because I suddenly realized that the other kids were getting to their feet. Maria grinned at me. “Earth to Clay!” She reached for my hand to help me up. I looked at her a moment as I got to my feet. Maria had a nice smile and really pretty eyes. But she wasn't Maggie. I dropped her hand quickly. I tried to pretend that I didn't see the disappointment flash across her face. We walked together out of the common room and headed down the hallway to the cafeteria. “That was pretty tough today,” Maria said as we joined up with the others, who were getting in line for lunch.
I nodded. “Yeah. It's kinda hard finding something nice to say about my parents. You know, considering they're a bunch of self-absorbed asses,” I joked, picking up a tray. Maria giggled behind me.
“I know what you mean. My mom is a cracked out dead beat who refused to protect me from my dad because it got in the way of her next high. Thinking of the ooey gooey times together is more than a little difficult.”
I took a plate of pasta and a salad and moved to drinks, getting myself a bottle of water. Maria followed me to our regular table near the large window overlooking the gardens. Tyler and our other friends, Susan and Greg, were already seated.
“Hey guys,” I said as I sat down. Greg scooted over to make room and Maria sat on my other side.
“How was group?” Tyler asked around a mouthful of sandwich. Maria and I shrugged in unison and we laughed.
“It was group. How about you guys?” Maria commented. The other three were in a group for substance abuse the same time Maria and I were in ours. Susan Biddle, a short girl with brown hair and big brown eyes who reminded me a lot of Maggie's friend Rachel, snorted.
“It would have been better if loud mouth Austin hadn't decided to be a total dick to Jean.” Jean was the substance abuse counselor at the center. And Austin was this places' Paul Delawder, the dick who had destroyed my MP3 player my first day at Jackson High School back in Virginia.
The guy Maggie had jumped to defend me from. I smiled at the memory of my brave girl.
Maria elbowed me in the side to bring me back to the conversation. “Fuck, Austin. He sucks,” I said smiling. Greg, Susan, and Tyler agreed and the conversation then focused on the movie the center was showing tonight.
Every week, if we had earned enough merits and were doing well in our therapy, we earned a movie night. We earned merits for completing various chores that the behavioral aides and therapists assigned us. This week my job was to keep the common room clean. I shared the job with three other kids. I had earned all of my merits for the week, which was pretty cool. I had lost a lot of them my first two weeks here. So getting to join in the fun stuff was about as excited as I got anymore.
It wasn't like we left the facility or anything. But it was nice to hang out with everyone in a non-therapeutic way and watch a movie without having to talk about our feelings. Everyone could just relax and remember for a little while, that yeah, we were still teenagers.
Maria, Tyler (who was my roommate), and I walked back to my room after lunch. We had an hour until afternoon sessions started. I had a one on one with the substance abuse counselor, Jean. The others had sessions either with their counselors or in groups. That was the thing about this place. It was one big session after another with a tiny bit of school squeezed into the mix. We had two hours in the morning for school work provided by the Miami School District and then the rest of the day was all about dealing with our issues.
Maria went and flopped on my bed, making herself at home. I had gotten pretty close to Maria since I got here (in a purely platonic way of course) and she often came back to the room to hang with Tyler and me. But it still felt weird to have her on my bed, even if she was just sitting on it. Because I didn't want to see any girl but Maggie May Young on my bed.
